Chris and sex

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Chris has a warped view of sex (a.k.a. "hanky-panky"), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on HBO around age 16. He views pornographic films as "educational" and regularly purchases sex toys from AdamEve.com.

Knowledge of sex and gender

Seven inches? Yeah, right.

In his world, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he stole from Sailor Moon. In truth, Chris has never kissed a girl, as he admitted in a set of emails to a potential sweetheart.

What he knows about sex he's picked up from rudimentary high-school sex education, plus pornography. This has engendered many false impressions in Chris, though he sticks by them religiously. Readers who brave his sex chat logs should be able to immediately notice what's going wrong — Chris's fantasies sound exactly like attempts to re-create what he's seen in porno movies, as opposed to any experience human beings might actually find pleasurable. Take for instance his assumption that Kacey would get off on a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of semen to the face. Additionally, Chris seems to believe that while having sex, his partner's egg can go inside his dick and impregnate him. And that he'll give birth to a bear.

Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spread an imaginary vagina a yard across, and thinks that electric shocks to the vagina aren't outstandingly painful. The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in Sonichu is a contradiction in terms (although in the Julie video, Chris manages to do something like this by penetrating Kimmi while assuming a cowgirl position — with himself on top). He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a "receiver's" terrible Mountain Dew slogan parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride his broken penis. He thinks that his virginity is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that masturbating a whole fucking lot will ultimately make him better at sex.

Due to the combined threat of his somewhat slippery grip on language and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology. While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use familiar terms — either medical or slang — for sex organs, instead calling penises "ducks" and "pickles", and vaginas and vulvae "china".

Chris and gender

Among his more generally skewed view of gender roles, Chris has a distinctly sexist outlook towards women. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. The notion that they might have good reasons for spurning his advances does not occur to him. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a fat, dumpy psycho, carrying an "attraction sign" and followed by the unpleasant aroma of shit mixed with AXE.

In Sonichu #9, he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if females are from another planet, they are still classified as Homo sapiens, just like manchildren.

Chris has an interesting grasp of stereotypical gay and straight behavior, too, insisting he's straight even as he acts like a mincing crossdressing homosexual in Marianas Trench-deep denial. This can be explained by his autism and lack of empathy or ability to pick up on social cues, but given his reaction to being told he looks gay is to scream "NO I'M NOT!" and ignore anything else, it's unlikely he'll ever learn.

Moral basis on sex and double standards

69ing? Intercourse? Really? In a children's comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.

“	You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say to you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.	”
Matthew 5:27-28

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Christian Bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he hates homos, but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it ("I like dykes […]"). This logic probably stems from an episode of Family Guy where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew right over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on not losing his virginity until a third or fourth date with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Christian Bible also frowns upon pornographers and sodomites, both sins of which he is guilty and holds no visible remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK. In his defense, he did used to drink his own cum, so that the seed of his loins wouldn’t get lost à la Onan (but he probably doesn't know about that, so it's still just him being stupid). It should be noted that by doing this, he is technically eating his own children. It is still uncertain whether he enjoys the taste of his semen, or whether he is too retarded to realize that Onan was punished for not doing God's will (by practicing the withdrawal method instead of impregnating his sister-in-law.) Whatever the reason, it's hilarious.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to a very liberal church, and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by Rocky. When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by the trolls, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine. Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his Fuck Quest.

Chris seems to consider a woman sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on internet the video of his first full sexual intercourse. When interrogated over the desire of his partner's legitimate desire of intimacy, he merely added that he would simply hide cameras, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public. This proves that for Chris, a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy, existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

Chris in the act

Christian professing his love for "Julie".

Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with Julie, and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes female positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo).

Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on horrific display in this video, involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina in the same way a dog would slobber over his master. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris (if he even knows what that is).

He takes an extremely long time to orgasm in these leaked media, suggesting that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (possibly from his bent duck, fat ass, lack of endurance) or psychological (possibly performance anxiety, high expectations, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature. Some argue that based on such leaked media, Chris may not actually enjoy sex as a manifestation for expressing love or even for physical sensations, but in a more childlike way of getting some psychological satisfaction from doing something "naughty" and "adult." He only wants to have sex so that he won't be a virgin with rage anymore, and can be regarded as "normal."

Staying straight

See Fear of being a homo

Is Chris asexual?

There is a possibility that Chris is asexual, and only emphasizes his being STRAIGHT due to the overwhelming portrayal in the media of men being sexually active and heterosexual. This could also explain some of his twisted views regarding sex and romance. He genuinely could not understand the appeal of most sexual activity, and just "goes through the motions." This would also explain why it appears as if he's uncontrollably horny all the time, as being fixated on sex with females means he's a straight adult. He also seems to have the perception that sex is a rite of passage, and that you cannot be regarded as an adult until you lose your virginity.

• He started his search for love at 21, an age when most men have already had sex and/or a girlfriend.
• He has the idea he must "maintain" his straightness, much like how he must regularly change the oil in the Sonichu-mobile. While it could be that he is gay deep down inside, it can also be argued that he has no major sexual compulsions of any kind, and is just trying to induce them through external sources. Why else would he have to try so hard?
• According to himself, Chris only masturbates twice a week, and states that it's only to keep his "hormones under control," while most single men masturbate daily, sometimes more (though this could be because he's so out of shape that the act of masturbation tires him out).
• Chris did not discover masturbation until the age of sixteen, while most men figure it out once they hit puberty (around eleven). Which would mean that either he had no libido or sexual interest in girls... or he's too stupid to figure out how to diddle himself. Sixteen was also the age where he pretty much discovered sex, not through physical sensation, but through an external source, in this case HBO's softcore films.
• Chris's interest in finding a sweetheart appears to have been spurred on by a desire for companionship, as opposed to a desire for a sexual relationship. This is supported by his constant emphasis on being "lonely," as well as requiring his heartsweet to be "caring and compassionate" (which is both ironic and stupid, as he wouldn't be able to reciprocate any companionship received, and who would want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't "caring and compassionate"?).
• Going with the above, in the "Story of My Love Quest Days", Christian states that he does not want a girlfriend for "hanky panky" but instead: "I need a Girlfriend, Solely for LOVE and TRUST!" [Emphasis added] Then again, this could just be his attempt at looking gentlemanly, and totally not perverted and sexist.
• While his creepy attempts at touching/kissing Megan and other girls would indicate some form of sexuality, it could be part of his limited perception of what it means to be a sexually active adult, or just pure and simple attempts at being straight under the rationale that if he does this to a woman, this makes him not a homo. He's not trying to molest girls and chase them around with a sign out of sexual desire, but rather out of a desire to be seen as either "straight" and/or "adult".

However, some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, high-functioning autistic and hugbox inventor Temple Grandin chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). It's possible that Chris genuinely does not understand why two people would want to get together and have sexual intercourse, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a big boy. He hasn't grasped (and probably never will) that adulthood also involves such things as moving out, getting a job, and not sitting in one's room waiting for Mommy Government to hand one everything.

When asked about it in the mailbag, Chris clarifies that he "[gets] an ERECTION when [he sees] WOMEN STRIPPING, or are already NAKED." The letter in question didn't actually ask whether or not Chris himself is asexual, but rather his opinion on asexual people.

After he was introduced to the term by his Mailbag correspondents, Chris took to interpreting and using "asexual" as an insult. In his CWCipedia page on The Wallflower, he refers to her as a "Got-Dang Asexual Woman!". He also became very offended when Jackie implied that he liked video games more than women, ranting that she should not label him as asexual (and misses her point completely). It is now possible that Chris finds asexual people to be as bad as homosexuals, judging by both remarks (not to mention he aforementioned disdain from the Mailbag responses).

Pedophilia

Main article: Pedofork

Bestiality

Run Patti!

“	I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.	”
Chris in IRC (27 December 2008)

In his interview with ScrewAttackEurope, Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form (this would support the furry argument). Technically, this isn't bestiality. They're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals. Chris, however, is a man, or more properly a man-child, masturbating while drawing pictures of animals having sex with each other. That ain't normal.

Chris has also suggested that Brian from Family Guy be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog. It is unknown what qualities and traits he considers "sexy" for a dog.

Chris, sporting a homemade fursuit.

Is Chris a furry?

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated, with people arguing that he doesn't participate in the furry community, and probably only draws furry porn because he is a creature of habit and is more used to drawing furry porn than human porn. There have been some exceptions (namely ShecameforCWC.JPG and CWCRockin4Way.jpg), but nearly all Rule 34s he has drawn depict some furry creatures having sex. He has also admitted to being aroused by said drawings. Chris has also used his hedgehog fursona while cybering with Julie. In the Giant Penis Comic, Chris and Ivy both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. It has been confirmed by Mimms and Lucas that Chris has prejudice against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be homos.

Another possible theory is, since Chris seems unable to mention the basic terms describing sexual action (see "china," "duck," etc.), the use of fursonas allows him to present sexual material in a cartoony, rather than realistic, fashion. This is possibly necessary for him given his childish understanding of the world and incapability to use big boy words to refer to adult matters.

Prostitution

“	"In my sarch[sic] on Craigslist, the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about Jack and my PSN account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :("	”
Chris, wasting a prostitute's time[citation needed]

Given how badly Chris seems to want to lose his virginity, many observers have wondered why he hasn't long since spent some of his monthly tugboat on a prostitute. Mumble 4, from February 2009, answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by Jack Thaddeus in the summer of 2009, Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, in March 2009, Brian Bash had sent a trio of prostitutes to Chris's house so he would no longer be a Virgin with Rage. Hilarity ensued.

By the beginning of 2010, Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his conversations with Vivian Gee, around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th birthday. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when begging the Wallflower for sex on YouTube in March 2010.

Between April and July 2010, under the name of Carlos Chantor, Chris decided to offer himself up as a male escort. He describes himself as "Experienced for Her Pleasure", and with an average body type.

Incest

Crystal, his imaginary twin sister, has appeared as a "girlfriend" card he made for Yu-Gi-Oh, and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the Sonichu comics well after being established as Chris's twin. She's even the damsel in distress he rescues (anticlimactically) from the forces of evil like a love interest, while Chris's supposed real love interests all died hideous deaths. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his Sonichus are all related, but many of them are paired off with one-another, banging and even having kids. Being raised without siblings present, he has no experience with filial relationships, and autism ensures he has no inkling of what it entails. He didn't even know the word, let alone, the concept, of "incest" until someone mentioned and explained it to him over Mumble. He has trouble contemplating why incest is wrong when, to him, china is china. Only brother-brother incest is wrong because it is homosexual in nature. He doesn't understand why sister-sister incest would be bad, because it involves girl-on-girl. He can't empathize with the parties involved, and only sees it in terms of how disgusting for him it would be to watch.

Rape

PROTIP: Despite your worst fears, Chris won't ever manage to rape anybody. So stop saying that.

Chris has a poor understanding of the effects of rape, starting from the Megan saga all the way to PandaHalo.

See also

• Homos
• Women's rights
• Semen
• Mass debating
• Duck
• Chris and his ego
• Chris Sex Logs