Chris and death
| “ | Sometimes I remember her, but I have moved on. | ” |
| Chris on the late PandaHalo.[1] | ||
Death is a concept that Chris has a notably hard time understanding and/or coping with, be it the death of a human or an animal, or even a fictional character.
His poor reactions to death most likely come from Chris's lack of empathy, and childish thought patterns. Kids often don't understand death, usually just thinking it's "like sleeping forever" or "just leaving." Chris, being a child inside, can only resort to these clumsy analogies to understand death.
Here are the departed souls, in order from earliest to latest:
Deaths
Every single victim of the World Trade Center attacks (d. 2001)
In the Twin Falling Towers video of 1 November 2009, Chris makes fun of Clyde and says that he is as weak as the Twin Towers. He then shows the mouse cursor crashing into the buildings, complete with sound effects.
Patti Chandler (1988-2006)
Patti was Chris's pet dog, and she died in June 2006. Chris apparently drew a picture of a crying Sonichu face on the signature confirming the euthanasia process.[2] As seen in the image used in this article, Patti also appeared in the comic, immortalized as a furry character named Patti-Chan. This is particularly disturbing in that Chris has apparently decided to deny his dog the afterlife that he presumably believes in in favor of locking her in his own personal hell.
To Chris, her death is the greatest tragedy of his life, which he often compares to the deaths of other people's family members and loved ones. Not surprisingly, every single person he has said this to has become horribly offended. In Chris's Plea to Clyde Cash, he equates Ryan Cash's death with Patti's, and in the Father Call, he equates the death of Matthew Devoria's mother in the 9/11 attacks.
Oddly enough, Patti may have been the only being Chris ever cared about. On the one year anniversary of her death, Chris even broke down in tears and had to be consoled by his mother.[3] By comparison, the "death" of any Sweetheart will result in a few days of mourning at best.
It should be noted though that despite all of Chris's fondness for Patti, even her memory wasn't safe from being defiled by him.
RocketFox's Dad (1966-2008)
RocketFox's Dad used to be an alcoholic, but recovered and stayed sober for ten years. However, his liver failed and he passed away in mid-October 2008. When RocketFox asked Chris for advice on how to cope, Chris considered it an "accident" and went on a spiel about how bad alcohol was.[4] This is actually the first death during the trolling, and it was mentioned to Chris to see how he would react to such news, and as mentioned, Chris did so poorly. Ryan's death and Chris's reaction cemented this.
Sarah Jackson (1981-2008)
A former heartsweet of Chris (and Decepticon) who was killed in a carefully executed plan by Optimus Prime. Sarah Jackson, like Patti, was used in his comic for a while as "Ms. Jackaras" in Sonichu #9. Unlike Patti, Ms. Jackaras gets the same fate as her non-comic counterpart, and is replaced by her sister, who continues the lesson anyway. None of the Sonichu characters mourn the loss of their professor.
Ryan Cash (1996-2008)
Ryan was Clyde's brother who was a huge fan of Sonichu. After the comics were delayed over and over, Ryan fell into a depression and committed suicide. Chris, of course, reacted to this in an inconsiderate manner, telling Clyde and his family to "just move on", and marveling at his power to incite suicide.
PandaHalo (d. 2009?)
Despite her being thousands of kilometers away from the bushfires, Chris assumed PandaHalo was dead. She is actually alive and kicking but Chris still doesn't know this. Two days after her "death," he went to find another sweetheart to mass debate to, saying "It's OK though, at least I have a good woman who's willing to be by my side at this point."[5].
Nine months later, Sonichu #9 featured a special "memorial" to PandaHalo and a sequence in which she dies (off-screen) in a building fire after saving her "Pokemon", Chloe Rosechu and Blazebob Sonichu, so they wouldn't "burn with" her, not realizing that burning is an incredibly painful way to die.
More recently, Chris "dedicated" all of Sonichu #10 to PandaHalo's memory. This would be almost touching, if the alleged dedication didn't wholly consist of how awesome Chris was for using Panda's cover artwork.
Sarah May
After being called "Julie" multiple times, Sarah May attempted suicide over Mumble.[6] Immediately after she went offline, rather than express any concern or try to find a way to stop her, Chris told Julie (who was also in the chat), "I still have you," with a completely emotionless "oh well" attitude. Julie was playing along with Chris, and did not react to Sarah's suicide attempt in any human-like fashion either; yet, it did not occur to Chris that Julie's behavior was in any way unnatural. Chris then made an immature shout-out to her on a YouTube video, with tears faker than all his sweethearts combined. The only reason he offered as to why she shouldn't commit suicide was that he would be sad without her.
Aunt Corrina (1936-2009)
Chris's aunt Corrina had her funeral on Chris's birthday, which was also Shrove Tuesday, a Christian holiday that involves eating pancakes. Needless to say, Chris cared more about the pancakes than the funeral of his own aunt.
When the "I know how to be sad because my dog died" excuse fails, Chris usually follows up with an offhand mention of his Aunt Corrina. If that fails, the deaths of his many sweethearts tends to follow.
Clyde Cash (1976-2009)
In early 2009, Christian seemed to be aware that Clyde Cash was supposedly dead, though he was suspicious of the idea. Regardless, he cursed Clyde in Captain's Log, Stardate August 18th, 2009, just in case.
BILLY MAYS (1958-2009)
In the video Captain's Log, Stardate July 1st, 2009, Chris only seems to be upset over people blaming him for MAYS's death, and loudly denies that BILLY had ever been the mayor of CWCville. He doesn't even offer his condolences to MAYS's family. Down the line, Chris selfishly adopts the idea that MAYS was in fact his bodyguard and he died protecting Chris.
In Sonichu #9, Chris slaps in a one-page intro with BILLY saying that he was never was the Mayor, but was part of Chris's group. At the bottom was a message from Chris, asking him to "come back soon."
Ivy (1992-2009)
Ivy committed suicide after not being allowed to see Chris. Chris uploaded the CWC "Boyfriend" video as a memorial. Yes, a poorly sung remake of Avril Lavigne's happy, bouncy pop/punk song, with lyrics changed to be about how much Chris would like women to date him. Chris included pictures of several past sweethearts in the video, making it less of a tribute to Ivy and more of a monument to Chris's failures.
Furthermore, as is unquestionably appropriate, Ivy's tragic demise was incorporated into issue #9. Rather than admit to having a hand in her suicide, Chris conjures up a magnificently gruesome accidental death, which involved having gotten her neck broken with elevator wires after falling through the elevator floor. Although this is a particularly troubling manipulation of what really happened, Chris more than makes up for it with gravitas; he gracefully, albeit belatedly, offers a tiny orange box in memory to Ivy 'O'Niel', taking pride of place underneath a backshot of Slaweel and some weird faux-Transformers actions. All of the above shows the leaps and bounds Chris has made in his appropriate handling of tragic deaths.
When confronted about this insanity in the Mailbag, Chris got quite indignant, demanding to know what the questioner thought he should have done, since Ivy had died in real life and could no longer serve as Chris's God-given sweetheart. It's not clear whether it had ever crossed Chris's mind to keep this horrific death out of the pages of what is supposedly a comic aimed at children, or to let Ivy's character live on in CWCville like he had done for Patti and BILLY.
Mary Jo (d. 2009)
In a mailbag, Chris was asked by a troubled fan what he should do after the death of his beloved Mary Jo.
| “ | Mary Jo is gone (I feel for you), but you should move on and try to find another woman who will treat you about as good, or possibly better than, her. Suck it up, and move on like a Man would. I tell you as a Man who had to do the same thing a few times in the past too. | ” |
| Chris, being super-sensitive. | ||
Chris clearly states how he believes a death should be approached by a man (which includes finding another woman right away and a specific lack of grieving), and tells the traumatized fan that he should simply move onto a better woman since his girlfriend's death, not only being completely asinine, but also outlining that he believes women to be replaceable and possibly interchangeable.
Mike Jackson (1969-2010)
Throughout January 2010, a man named Mike Jackson sent Chris a series of friendly letters asking for advice, and then begging for help after Chris's amazingly bad advice completely ruined his life. Chris, caring soul that he is, promised the absolute minimum amount of effort (a YouTube video) and then never made good on his word.
Distraught over Chris's total lack of action, and terrified at the risk of having his family torn to pieces, Mike died from a sleeping pill overdose. Mike's grieving widow generously decided to let Chris view the private obituary page set up for friends and family of the deceased, saying that Mike would have wanted her to treat Chris with respect and decency.
Chris responded to the news of Mike's death with the same copy-pasted bullshit he used to pretend he was listening to criticism. The two infamous sentences made no sense in context and demonstrated beyond the shadow of a doubt that Chris could not care less about Mike's tragic death. It was revealed in Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8 that Chris didn't even view Mike's obituary page, and his response to Mike's grieving son was all of three words long.
Simonla Rosechu
During the Asperchu saga, a recurring theme was Evan's legal claims in regard to Simonla as a derivative of his character, Simonchu. While early demands were for Chris to edit his old strips to remove Simonla entirely from continuity, later Evan consented to letting Chris keep Simonla's early appearances, on the grounds that he kill her at a later date. Chris, not surprisingly, totally lost his shit, showing a much stronger emotional attachment to an empty, one-dimensional fictional character than he has managed for any living creature other than his dog. Finally, after being faced with the threat of legal action, Chris finally killed Simonla in issue #10, though not before she laid an egg out of wedlock with her baby-daddy Wild (though, of course, the act of laying the egg was never shown, or even mentioned), which hatched into Sandy Rosechu.
It should be noted that, as revealed in the Alec Benson Leary Phone Calls, Chris considers cartoon characters to be real, living creatures that exist in some other world reminiscent of Toon Town from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Simonla's death was as real to him as that of any of his family members or sweethearts... perhaps even more so.
Desi and Skittles Chandler (precise date of deaths unknown; no later than 10 April 2010)
In an email Chris sent to Jackie, he mentions having three cats (Lucy, Kitty and Scamper), despite the fact that he was previously known to have had two additional cats (Desi and Skittles). This suggests that by the time of the correspondence both had died, or had at least departed from 14 Branchland Court in some other way. No documentation exists of Chris's reaction to their loss.
Yeardley Love (1987-2010)
Yeardley Love was a lacrosse player for UVA who was murdered. Chris uploaded a video discussing the story (which he probably just saw on TV for a few minutes), but didn't even bother to say her name. He also stated that the murderer should get 20 years in prison for the shock of the murder, which is twice his desired punishment for smoking. Later in the video, he rerouted the subject towards himself and stated how everyone needed to be sympathetic of him and his autism and that he's not a bad man. In other words, he used the death of a girl he never knew in an attempt to make himself look good.
Robert Franklin Chandler Jr. (1927-2011)
After a long battle with cancer, Bob's life came to an end while he was being hospitalized in the Martha Jefferson Hospital's ICU.[7] Chris's reaction to his father's death remains to be seen; however, as he spent his father's last days gloating over Internet trolls, his actions after Bob's death may not reflect well on our hero.
Chris himself (1982-)
Given Chris's notoriously bad diet, lack of activity and general lack of motivation or concern for anything other than himself, it is generally considered unlikely that Chris will live very far into his forties should he persist in his current lifestyle.
However, there is a likelihood that like Bob, who had suffered from (and eventually passed away as a result of) heart failure and alcoholism, he may be genetically dispositioned to lead a long, albeit miserable, life. In comparison though, Chris's own death is naturally the only one that immediately concerns him, since it would be the only thing that would put an end to his Love Quest once and for all.
Chris once mentioned that he had been receiving recurring visions of himself walking into a bright light, which he one day hoped would be prevented from appearing by getting a sweetheart. However, judging by how unlikely it is that he will ever get laid, these visions will most likely persist until the inevitable day it comes true.
Various ancestors
Chris claimed that, at Aunt Corrina's funeral, his ancestors wished him a safe trip to Ohio to meet Julie.[8]
See also
References
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