CWC Update 18 January 2009

Christian issues a scathing statement concerning hackers who used his email account to send messages to dozens of people saying Christian has come out of the closet. He denies this outrageous claim and proves his heterosexuality by stomping on the vibrator he has owned for years. He then shows a message taped to his foot featuring a crudely drawn nude female torso to hammer home his point. Internet scientists are hard at work in determining which anime he copied this stupid idea from.

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[Christian is holding the camera up, at arm's length, at eye level]

[the opening moments are garbled and sped-up; Christian is presumably saying his standard introduction: "Captain's Log, Stardate January 18th 2009"] Janryteenth 2009.

This is another brief update. For those of you that have actu--who have actually received them, um, the e-mails that possibly came from my AOL account--TROLL!--another troll has hacked into my AOL account yesterday and spammed the e-mails around. I had, uh, closed the account temporarily, and I am currently, uh, without the e-mail address.

So therefore, uh, just t--just to re--just to let everybody in my fanbase and on the Internet know, I'm sti--I AM STRAIGHT! I AM STRAIGHT! And no troll--no slanderous troll is gonna alter me in such way! I am straight. STRAIGHT! BELIEVE ME!

I have a subscription to Playboy.

[sniffs]

And look into my--and look in my eyes, in my face. [tries to make as serious an expression as possible, which involves constantly darting his eyes over to his monitor to check his appearance] I can't be more serious than how I am right now. Those damn slanderous trolls! Damn them all to hell.

[jump cut to Christian now holding the camera so that he is looking down into it over his shoulder]

And another thing you slanderous trolls:

For someone who says they're straight, Chris is pretty defensive about his sexuality

[cut to the sole of Christian's shoe]

You can kiss my foot! AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ELSE?

[Cut to Christian's vibrator, laying on the floor in front of his couch. He stomps on it with his shoe, then grinds his foot into it, trying and failing to destroy it until it slips loose and out of the shot. Chris turns his foot to reveal an note taped to his heel. The note consists of a naked woman's dismembered torso, and the message "CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER IS STRAIGHT!!"]

[referring to the message] And don't you forget it!

[cut back to Christian, now much calmer]

Ah, but the rest of y'all, the true, good citizens: Peace, and have a good day.