Relics of Fail

PROTIP: Have you "discovered" a new Relic of Fail? Cool, just see if it's considered a relic under the the Taxonomy of Fail.

The Relics of Fail are several items that Chris places significant emotional value on.

The Major Relics

Sonichu medallion, Mark 1

• Amnyfest Ring - Since the Sonichu medallions were stolen, Chris has claimed this mysteriously-named high school ring is the TRUE source of his power.
• Attraction Sign - A relic of days past when Chris had not yet been told by his mother that soliciting using a sign made him look retarded. Many versions existed, most were destroyed. Most recently seen being used at Fridays After Five.
• CWC on TV DVD - A DVD composed of many home videos among other things, such as his Song of Christian.
• Gitar - Apparently convinced this counts as a real guitar, Chris is often seen with his beloved Guitar Hero controller in attempts to look cool. It invariably has the opposite effect.
• Medallions - Hunks of Crayola-brand modeling clay fashioned into the shape of Sonichu's head, among other characters' heads. Once believed by trolls to be the source of his power, they were swiftly corrected, and now Chris shows off his Amnyfest Ring to show that his videos are true and honest.
• PS3 - Chris's life upgrade and the biggest drain on his Monthly Tugboat. Chris is now on to his second PS3.
• PSEye - The window through which trolls can catch glimpses of Chris and his day-to-day life.
• Scrapbook - A three-ring binder containing all of Chris's comic pages and other drawings.
• Patti's corpse and doghouse - Chris's beloved dog who is buried in the Chandlers backyard under her doghouse.
• Locks of Chris's hair - Probably the only Relic to have been obtained by trolls which actually comes from Chris's own body.
• Gift Basket of Fail - In a private facebook note, Chris said that he had given a gift basket to the woman who took his virginity. This relic might not actually exist, as some suspect that "gift basket" is actually a euphemism for payment given to a prostitute. Alternatively, some suspect that Chris had made up the story of how he lost his virginity and that it didn't happen at all.

The Minor Relics

Son-Chu

• Hand-drawn Nintendo Power - A lengthy issue of Nintendo Power, customized to show Sonic ditching Sega to join Nintendo and revealing a little bit of what Chris wants in a Sonichu game.
• Heart Torch - An odd-looking creation, though more original than most of his works. Born of Pixelblocks, it is used in the comics to summon his twin sister, Crystal.
• Pedo-Glasses - Have you ever noticed how pedophiles and rapists in composite sketches wear these kinds of glasses? Yeah, don't think too hard about that.
• PSP - Yet another vessel for Chris's video game obsession. Chris, in typical fashion, has decorated it with images of his flagship character and his own face.
• Sailor Moon Poster - One of many things Chris presumably masturbates to in order to keep himself heterosexual.
• Son-Chu - Chris's beaten old station wagon, now nearly two years overdue for an oil change. Also appears in the comic as one of the Samurai Pizza Bots.
• Muscle Bra - Actually, just a sports bra which Chris sadly wears, thinking that everyone will be turned gay if they don't wear one, too.
• Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares - A short tract produced by Chris and given as a birthday gift to his gal-pal Sarah Nicole Hammer. The document chronicles the lives of its two title characters and the (almost non-existent) relationship they had while depicting them (and several of their friends and family) as Sonichu characters. The tract's current fate is unknown, although it is more than likely to have been thrown away by Sarah shortly after receiving it.

The Lesser Relics

Plush Boobs of Fail

• Anime Wings - A pair of women's hairclips that Chris got at Anime Mid-Atlantic. For some reason, Chris felt the need to incorporate them into his comic.
• Belt Buckle - Not a very well-known relic, but nonetheless extremely amusing.
• Clown Doll - A harmless-looking clown doll, significant in that it often bears the brunt of Chris's fury in his many rage videos.
• Fapcup - Cup used by Chris to collect his semen for drinking purposes.
• iDea Book Case - Case "invented" by Chris to store his Apple devices.
• Li'l Chris - A stuffed bear — not, in fact, Chris's duck.
• Megatron Pistol - A toy handgun Chris uses to threaten his most hated foes.
• Plush Boobs of Fail - A pair of fake breasts often seen in his videos, possibly used as a sign of heterosexual virility and as a mass debating tool.
• Wii Remote - Like the PSP and Guitar Hero controller, this poor Wiimote has been decked out in Sonichu colors and was used in Chris's attempts to get Miyamoto to make him a video game.
• Pocketknife - A knife that Chris can't handle at all.
• Pokéwalker of Fail - A Poké Ball-shaped pedometer originally packaged with the Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver versions, recolored in the image of one of the seven Sonichu Balls.
• Sex toys - Lots and lots of, including sex dolls, a vibrator, a dildo, a penis pump, anal beads, penis rings and two fleshlights.
• Regular children toys - Too many to count; can be seen in Chris's videos and photographs cluttering all over his room. The most notable ones have been listed in this article.
• Video games and their various consoles - Thousands of dollars have been spent on them, some of it right from the pockets of the American taxpayers. Chris sold some of those games and consoles to Snooky's Pawn Shop, where they were later obtained by Clyde Cash.

Artwork of Fail

• Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail - Even the simple task of drawing a straight line to depict a drinking straw evades Mr. Weston Chandler.

The Shrines of Fail

• The Wall of Originals - A monument to the wastes of time known as Chris's original Pokémon cards.
• Megan Shrine - Chris's display of his disturbing obsession with the one girl he thought he truly had a chance at. Spoiler Alert: He never had a chance and never will.

The Holy Fails

PROTIP: Procure one of these and upload them to CWCki and you will be a fucking god amongst men.

While not traditional relics in such that Chris has emotional value, per say, these are Chris-related relics that are of immense value to trolls but, like the fabled Holy Grail, seem impossible to obtain.

• Autism Papers - Presumably papers detailing Chris's exact psychological diagnosis. While a psychiatric survey from 2004 has been procured, the original papers documenting Chris's diagnosis are currently locked away in a filing cabinet in Bob's room.
• Transcripts and Report Cards - Chris's transcripts and report cards, to verify whether if he was indeed on honor roll and to what degree his claims about his high school grades are true.
• Recording of Chris's screaming - Chris claims that during his time in Nathanael Greene Elementary School several members of the school's faculty restrained him to the ground and recorded his screaming. If this recording indeed exists than it is very likely to have been destroyed by now.