JERKS

Chris even divides his trading card game monsters into JERKS and females.

JERK is Chris's term for men in general, including those who are not homos or jerkops. The canonical definition is "a MAN, other than myself, CWC, and my father, Robert Franklin Chandler, Jr." For example, Chris labeled every single one of his male MySpace friends as a JERK in his personal list. A few "respectable males" are apparently exempt from JERK status, such as George W. Bush and Barack Obama (and possibly Jack Black).

One reason is the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor.

Use as a denominator

Although he has defined the term "jerk" to mean all men save him and his father, the usage of the term seems to apply to any person who gets in the way of Chris doing something that he wants to do. If Chris wants china and can't get it because the object of his affection has a significant other, that significant other is a jerk. Chris wanted to win the Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, but Adam Stackhouse got in the way, therefore he is a jerk — allegedly because he broke the rules of the contest and used music, actually because he spoiled Chris's plans for sex with Megan Schroeder. Whether your intention was to obstruct Chris's efforts or not, you are a jerk for presenting a barrier to his goal.

Even being more talented than Chris, or more socially well-adjusted (no great feat, considering Chris) is enough to make one a jerk in Chris's eyes. Men with girlfriends did not specifically intend to cock-block Chris; they only did what well-adjusted people do and asked out a girl they liked. Adam Stackhouse simply made a good video for a competition he wanted to win and had no intention of thwarting an autistic's plans to seduce his best friend (again, the PaRappa showdown). In Chris's self-centered way of thinking, though, they were all out to get him.

Chris has stated that all men are jerks "because they are rude, crude, and inconsiderate... causing wars and such". However, all world leaders are among the few males he respects. This carries the implication that he considers most normal men, rather than national leaders, as responsible for most wars.

Use as a prefix/suffix

Chris derides certain professions by using "jerk" as a prefix (as with jerkop) or a suffix (as with manajerk). The addition of the prefix/suffix comes from their actions which, again, prevented Chris from getting what he wanted. Never mind the fact that managers and police officers are simply doing their job when they stop creepy patrons from soliciting members of the public for sex. They have obstructed his quest for china and so are jerks. Due to repeated encounters with these professions, Chris has taken to describing any member of their ranks as a jerk.

Varying usage

Despite the fact that Chris has openly declared that all men are jerks, in practice he doesn't seem to automatically apply the term to every man he meets. Robert Simmons V was held in some regard before he turned troll against Chris. Joseph Herring was considered a high-school friend (although Chris drew him as an ugly zit-scarred freak in his comic). Chris considered Joshua Martinez a friend (though he still tried to get ED to ruin him) as long as he thought Josh would help him score some china. John Schroeder, Megan's brother, was even the main character in one of Chris's fake video games. Once again, however, that was probably a side-effect of Chris's lust for Megan.

Given that Chris doesn't rigidly adhere to his original definition of the word, we can reach one of two conclusions:

1. Chris does not necessarily regard all men as jerks.

2. Chris still considers them jerks, but will play along for selfish reasons until they can no longer help him.

Based on what we know, most of us are betting on the latter.

Connection to behavior

Wiktionary defines a jerk as A person with unlikable or obnoxious qualities and behavior, typically mean, self-centered or disagreeable, and often not very intelligent.

In the cases of people Chris has labeled a jerk, this is often very far from the truth. People Chris has labeled in this way have been known for all manner of redeemable qualities such as heroism, having a good sense of responsibility to the people under their care and being uniquely talented. Indeed, simply having a girlfriend hardly seems a good reason to be labeled a jerk. Then again, Chris is not well-known for acknowledging the accomplishments of those other than himself.

Chris as the embodiment of JERK

Ironically, or perhaps better put, hypocritically, Chris's actions make him more deserving of the term jerk than most people he applies it to.

Unlikable or obnoxious qualities and behavior

The fact that he receives a monthly tugboat for nothing while feeling he deserves it has been a major sticking point for all CWC-watchers. Having a whiny voice and a terrible command of English while touting himself as talented and well educated are a major cause of further irritation. Also, the fact that he feels deserving of so many things while doing so little to achieve them make most scream in agony at the levels of obnoxiousness.

Mean

Chris repeatedly makes threats and has outbursts of anger.

Self-centered

Any man who makes his own universe where he rules as a god is probably not the most considerate of others.

Also, this, this and especially this.

Disagreeable

The fact that Chris can't stop hating on homos, hurl racial slurs, has a very skewed opinion on women, selectively adapts the bible to fit his own beliefs and just generally shows no common sense regarding any topic makes him highly disagreeable to almost anyone of any opinion. This may also now disqualify Bush from exemption from the rule, as Bush has previously stated his strong support for the abstinence of young women, something against which Chris is very, very firmly set.

Often not very Intelligent

More like all of the time.

The list of males Chris doesn't hate

The most recent version of T.L.O.M.C.D.H. was provided in Chris's annotations to his ED article. There it goes as follows:

1. Chris himself;
2. his father;
3. "Santa Clause" [sic];
4. Jesus;
5. God;
6. the President of the United States;
7. all the World Leaders;
8. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present.

By thoroughly analyzing this information, we can conclude that:

• ... he still believes in "Santa Clause";
• ... he values "Santa Clause" much better that God or Jesus, since he put him before them in this list;
• ... he thinks God has a clearly-defined gender and is male;
• ... he thinks God and Jesus are separate beings;
• ... he hates all the (male) Saints (except St. Nicholas of Myra of course), Apostles, Martyrs, Angels (if he believes them to have a gender), priests, monks, etc. etc.;
• ... he doesn't hate only the current holder of the U.S. Presidential seat. He probably hates Bush again now that Obama is President;
• ... he hates all the other male persons in the U.S. Government, starting with the V.P.;
• ... he thinks of, e.g., Kim Jong Il and Robert Mugabe much better than of most of the male population of Earth;
• ... if Chris had lived in the 30-40s, he wouldn't hate Hitler, Mussolini, or Tojo (but would hate the Allied troops who fought them);
• ... he probably assumes "all the World Leaders" are male;
• ... he doesn't hate some IRL trolls like Mimms or Joshua Martinez, as they were his friends/acquaintances in the past;
• ... he still hates most of the male population of Earth, including most honorable and heroic people.

However, in the same annotations Chris confusingly states that his Noviophobia is "Out-Of-Date," and that he only hates trolls and da haytahs now. Then again, he states at the same time that he is "cool" with the "hating 99% of the world's men" theory. In any case, the list is at least applicable to some point in Chris's biography, even if he "got over it" by now;