Chris Destroys His Vibrator

Christian explains why he had to make the two videos suggesting that he was gay, in order to satisfy an agreement with Clyde Cash. He then attempts to honor another agreement with Clyde by destroying his vibrator. Or rather, he tries to destroy his vibrator, fails, and simply takes it apart in a manner that would allow him to easily reassemble it. Many experts believe that ten seconds after filming this clip, Chris was already hastily putting his dildo back together, his anus hungering for its sweet delights.

It is implied in this video that Christian could not issue this retraction until "one man" emailed him to say he recognized the sooper-sekrit clues in the previous videos. Apparently if no one had solved the mystery Chris would have been forced to live as a homosexual forever.

Watch

Click to load content

“

I was lying out of my ass!

”

Transcript

[smacks camera]

Hello.

Y'all may-- some of you may have seen the, uh, video, which-- of which I recently up…lo-- loaded… sayin’ that I was, uh… of the wrong… orientation. But any-- but I w-- I wanted to let y'all know that… I on-- I did that… to save the life… of a trusted gal-pal. And she is eternally grateful from-- to me for it. So, th-- so, yes, as you can tell from my… non-verbal clues, I was lying out of my ass! But I did it to save a l-- to save her life, 'cause… Clyde Cash… would've harmed her, but I have gotten his word that, uh, he would not lay a finger on her.

And also, I had to make another… slight promise-- uh… another promise, after making that-- after that: that I, uh, get rid of some… of my… unnecessary possessions. I wanted to let-- I wanted to, uh, let him know anyway that I've already started. [reaches off-camera for something]

I destroyed… [drops it, picks it up, puts it back in his hand] this. [presents a disassembled vibrator]

[jump cut to Chris (apparently pre-disassembly) trying to snap the vibrator in half with his bare hands]

[jump cut to Chris really straining to break the vibrator]

[jump cut to Chris simply pulling the vibrator's two halves apart as they're designed to come apart]

[jump cut to Chris pulling the motor out of its half]

[jump cut to Chris holding the two halves in one hand]

Dun-dun-dunnn! [holds the pieces out like the Card Crusher before throwing them down]

The-- that deed is done. I am straight. I am straight.

And it only-- and it took me the, uh, one time… where I actually had to say the word… that I hated so much… for the first time in my life, ever. And then, later, it took… one man to, uh, send me an e-mail, lettin' me know that he realized the non-verbal clues… leading to-- like, I was being forced to do that, and I had to lie out my ass.

Y'all can, uh, view the previously uploaded video… in its originality… [sniffles] and unaltered spec-- in an unaltered-- unaltered sense in my current Yah-- Youtube account. But… I think I have proven myself well enough. I was holding onto my manhood – my straightness – by having Optimus Prime in my lap… [reaches off-camera for poster and holds it up] and my Sailor Moon poster behind me… that I look at every night to help keep me straight. [puts poster away]

I was born straight, and I will never be changed that way.

Thank you.