Chris and sex

This article is rated M for Honest Content It may contain content deemed not safe for work. Reader discretion is advised.

This article or section is oversized. Help the CWCki by slimming this down.

Chris has a warped view of sex (aka "hanky panky"), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on HBO around age 16. He views pornographic films as "educational" and regularly purchases sex toys from AdamEve.com.

Knowledge of sex and gender

Seven inches? Yeah, right.

Due to the combined threat of his somewhat slippery grip on language and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about sexual terminology. While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. Chris repeatedly refers to women as the "opposite gender" as opposed to "opposite sex." By definition, "gender" refers to the personality of a person, while "sex" refers to the physiology or genetics of a person, so a request from Chris for love from the opposite gender is an open invitation to MTF trannies. In Sonichu 9, he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if females are from another planet, they are still classified as Homo sapiens, just like men.

In his world, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful...sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate". He claims he learned everything from simply watching porn and hentai, and basic high school sex education. Who would think that such art forms could be this beneficial? This thinking has certainly worked wonders for Chris, who now believes that masturbating a whole fucking lot will ultimately make him better at sex. And, he has a subscription to Playboy!

Chris also suffers from the delusion that his penis is huge. He also has a flaccidity problem, which is possibly a hormonal pathology or Peyronie's disease. Despite this obvious lack of virility, he is still a stud in his own mind. However, he has expressed jealousy of men whose penises are over seven inches long.

Chris has advised little children to play with the opposite gender's toys. According to him, boys should get My Little Ponys, and girls ought to go for Transformers, all to better understand the opposite gender. In his Dating ED comic, the teacher gave boys "Barbara" dolls, while the girls received "Robert" dolls. Disturbingly enough, these are the names of his parents. This is consistent with Freudian psychology - to a child, their parents are their model for sexual relationships. Of course, Chris doesn't realize that not everyone is lucky (if you could call it that) enough to have parents like his.

Among other views of gender, Chris reveals a lot of sexist tendencies. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a fat, dumpy psycho, carrying an "attraction sign" and followed by the unpleasant aroma of shit mixed with AXE. This view is supported by Barbara, who tells him how handsome and special he is, and how the girls won't be able to keep their hands off him. He obviously doesn't realize that all parents think their kids are the most beautiful little snowflakes in the world, and probably still sees her as an unbiased source for compliments.

Moral basis on sex and double standards

69ing? Intercourse? LOL. I mean really? In a children's comic? 'Cuz they know all about this stuff.

“	You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say to you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.	”
Matthew 5:27-28

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Christian bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he hates homos, but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it ("I like dykes[…]"). This logic probably stems from an episode of Family Guy where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew right over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on not losing his virginity until a third or fourth date with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Christian Bible also frowns upon pornographers and sodomites, both sins of which he is guilty and holds no visible remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK. In his defense, he did used to drink his own cum, so that the seed of his loins wouldn’t get lost à la Onan (but he probably doesn't know about that, so it's still just him being stupid). It should be noted that by doing this, he is technically eating his own children. It is still uncertain whether he enjoys the taste of his navy, or whether he is too retarded to realise that Onan was punished for not doing God's will (by practising the withdrawal method instead of impregnating his sister-in-law.) Whatever the reason, it's hilarious.

He also believes that premarital sex is okay as long as he's wearing a condom, because that means there will be a barrier between his duck and her china. Again, he doesn't understand that the sex itself is the sin, and not whether they're touching or not.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to a very liberal church, and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by Rocky. When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by the trolls, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine. Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his Fuck Quest.

Chris seems to consider a woman sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on internet the video of his first full sexual intercourse. When interrogated over the desire of his partner's legitimate desire of intimacy, he merely added that he would simply hide cameras, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public. This proves that for Chris, a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy, existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

Chris in the act

Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with Julie, and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes female positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. Since Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo), Chris assumes that it's perfectly normal for a man to ride on top, lean forward, and moan while calling out his partner's name.

Chris's view of cunnilingus involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina in the same way a dog would slobber over his master. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris (if he even knows what that is).

Chris having sex also involves shouting his lover's name (JUUULAAAAAAY!!!) in the same way an adolescent would shout out "PENIS" during the Penis Game — again, copying what he sees in porn. Chris constantly speaks in a monotone yet high pitched and feminine voice, without any real feeling.

Chris takes an extremely long time to orgasm in these leaked media, suggesting that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (possibly from his bent duck, fat ass, lack of endurance) or psychological (possibly performance anxiety, high expectations, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.

Some argue that based on such leaked media, Chris may not actually enjoy sex as a manifestation for expressing love or even for physical sensations, but in a more childlike way of getting some psychological satisfaction from doing something "naughty" and "adult." He only wants to have sex so that he won't be a virgin with rage anymore, and can be regarded as "normal."

Staying straight

See also Fear of being a homo

Chris apparently thinks that homosexuality is contagious. He feels that spending time with men will turn him gay, so he insists on only having female friends (gal pals). He admitted to using a Sailor Moon poster to stay straight. When he met a gay friend of Megan's, he became hostile. In his apology letter to Megan, he had this to say:

“	Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation."'	”
Chris, "I'm sorry... *sigh*" , Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm)

Chris's answers to fan mail suggest that he is bombarded by constant homoerotic thoughts and uses several unhealthy coping methods to suppress them:

“	Although the gender change would be my "rather-to-do" over becoming a homo, but in your case, I would suggest looking at women more, fantasize yourself with their breasts and pussys [sic]; do this continuously. Hypnotize yourself; every time you have a homo thought, you will feel like you are being shocked by lightning and that it really hurts. And every time you fantasize women, breasts and pussy, you will feel calm, relaxed and good. But DO NOT hurt yourself physically for real; that would be really bad. In other words, you would be reprogramming your brain.	”
Chris, Mailbag 3

“	First off, should such images enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever.	”
Chris, Mailbag 4

To further reiterate just how straight he is, Chris released his infamous dildo crushing video, featuring a sign on the back of his foot — which he uses to proclaim that HE IS STRAIGHT for the 9001st time — containing a crude drawing of a female body, consisting of breasts and a hairy vagina. Because this is what all straight men do to assert their heterosexuality.

In an an IRC fan chat, Chris went so far as wanting to make homosexuality illegal:

“	if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls".	”
Chris, 02 January 09, 11:59

When asked how he would go about this, he commented that homosexuals would be "taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]" and that "prisons will no longer be divided between gender." Take a moment to consider how twisted that would be. He justifies this by saying that "it's bad enough they're mostly jerks, plus homo men are AGAINST God's will." Apparently lazy, greedy, sexually lascivious, vengeful retards who wish damnation upon others are all part of God's divine plan.

Chris also believes his "straight" blood could be used to engineer some kind of anti-gay vaccine:

“	Spoiler Alert: In the comic, during my time in the void, I end up at a later year when scientists have truly isolated the Homo Gene, and needed to isolate the Straight Gene to make the Vaccine. I Personally Volunter [sic] a bit of my blood, they find the Straight Gene, and I take a couple of syringes with me back into the void on my trek back to my time. Guess who will be the first to be injected and transformed back to his past self Permanently... Reldnahc. I took two syringes for in case one of them breaks or gets lost.	”
Chris, Mailbag 1

The true irony of Chris' homophobia lies in his own logic. Chris hates every male on the face of the earth save his father due to numerous rejections from women, under the guise of them already having boyfriends. Completely confident that he is a perfect Adonis and that there must be some other reason women reject him, Chris took their statements to heart and came up with the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor. Now, if the the entire gay community were strapped down and tortured into being straight, Chris's already pathetically slim chances of finding a Boyfriend-Free Girl rocket down another notch, increasing the manchild's chances of dying alone, and the Gene Pool taking a step forward.

Is Chris asexual?

There is a possibility that Chris is asexual, and only emphasizes his being STRAIGHT due to the overwhelming portrayal in the media of men being sexually active and heterosexual. This could also explain some of his twisted views regarding sex and romance. He genuinely could not understand the appeal of most sexual activity, and just "goes through the motions." This would also explain why it appears as if he's uncontrollably horny all the time, as being fixated on sex with females means he's a straight adult. He also seems to have the perception that sex is a rite of passage, and that you cannot be regarded as an adult until you lose your virginity.

• He has the idea he must "maintain" his straightness, much like how he must regularly change the oil in the Sonichu-mobile. While it could be that he is gay deep down inside, it can also be argued that he has no major sexual compulsions of any kind, and is just trying to induce them through external sources. Why else would he have to try so hard?

• According to himself, Chris only masturbates twice a week, and states that it's only to keep his "hormones under control," while most men masturbate daily, sometimes more.

• Chris did not discover masturbation until the age of 16, while most men figure it out once they hit puberty (around 11). Which would mean that either he had no libido or sexual interest in girls... or he's too stupid to figure out how to diddle himself. 16 was also the age where he pretty much discovered sex, not through physical sensation, but through an external source, in this case HBO's softcore films.

• Chris's interest in finding a sweetheart appears to have been spurred on by a desire for companionship, as opposed to a desire for a sexual relationship. This is supported by his constant emphasis on being "lonely," as well as requiring his heartsweet to be "caring and compassionate" (which is both ironic and stupid, as he wouldn't be able to reciprocate any companionship received, and who would want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't "caring and compassionate"?).

• Going with the above, in the Story of My Love Quest Days, Christian states that he does not want a girlfriend for "hanky panky" but instead: "I need a Girlfriend, Solely for LOVE and TRUST!" [Emphasis added] Then again, this could just be his attempt at looking gentlemanly, and totally not perverted and sexist.

• While his creepy attempts at touching/kissing Megan and other girls would indicate some form of sexuality, it could be part of his limited perception of what it means to be a sexually active adult, or just pure and simple attempts at being straight under the rationale that if he does this to a woman, this makes him not a homo. He's not trying to molest girls and chase them around with a sign out of sexual desire, but rather out of a desire to be seen as either "straight" and/or "adult".

However, some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, autistic and hugbox inventor Temple Grandin chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). It's possible that Chris genuinely does not understand why two people would want to get together and have sexual intercourse, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a big boy. He hasn't grasped (and probably never will) that adulthood also involves such things as moving out, getting a job, and not sitting in one's room waiting for Mommy Government to hand one everything.

When asked about it in the mailbag, Chris clarifies that he "[gets] an ERECTION when [he sees] WOMEN STRIPPING, or are already NAKED." The letter in question didn't actually ask whether or not Chris himself is asexual, but rather his opinion on asexual people.

Pedophilia

See also Pedofork

"I AM NOT A PEDOFORK, YOU DORKS!"

Although the Sonichu series was originally intended for children, Chris put a bunch of porn into issue 8. This included graphic depictions of Sonichu and Rosechu having sex, and multiple instances of Rosechu stripping naked. One of the most notorious sequences came near the end of episode 17, where Rosechu face-raped Jason Kendrick Howell to a near-death state after he taunted her by throwing a pickle at her. In the same episode an anthropomorphic lightning bug exclaims "I've just turned 14-years cute!!!" and wishes to assist Rosechu in making porn for "women's rights." Rosechu says "I don't know child, what with the dumb laws." This quote is a good indicator that Chris believes the legal age should be lower. Chris later stated in Mailbag 3 that if given the power, he would change the age of consent in America to "Sweet 16", making it "another good reason it would be a 'Sweet' age." He is obviously unaware that age of consent is controlled by the state, and most states already have it set at 16 or 17. But in Virginia, it's 18. He also believes that kids can participate in "adult" activities, like perverse satires with adult themes and making a porno, as long as there's adult supervision.

All of his attempts at a classified ad for himself always start with "I'm looking for an 18-2X boyfriend free girl…" At his age, being seen with a woman a decade younger than him would be considered socially unacceptable and downright creepy, based on the "half-your-age-plus-seven" tradition. Of course, Chris doesn't understand social mores regarding age differences, so to him, if she's legal and breathing, she's fit as a sexual partner. This leads one to ask how low he'd go. If the legal age were, for example, 14, would he instead be saying "I'm looking for an 14-28 year old boyfriend-free girl…"?

Chris notoriously had sex with Kimmi, an anime blow up doll that looks underage. He maintains that he stays straight by looking at a Sailor Moon poster, which features said character and her 8 year old daughter from the future, and when he was editing his ED article in his favor, one of his accounts had underage porn featured prominently on the user page. Most of the underage porn from this user page, along with a few other pieces of pornographic art chosen by him (which, ironically enough, includes Pedobear… twice) would reappear in the "elevator gag" in Sonichu #8. One might argue that because of his notoriously bad facial recognition, he might not realize how young they actually are. But as mentioned in the The Tale of the Crazy Pacer, he is quite good at age recognition (a talent common among autistics). This obviously brings up many questions.

To be fair, there is evidence to suggest that even Chris has some degree of an age limit. In one of Guru Larry's Interviews with him, Chris reacted with shock when Larry mentioned how another internet lolcow, Spax3, allegedly has a crush on Cream the Rabbit, a six-year-old character from the Sonic the Hedgehog series. This could mean that he looks down on someone going after someone so young or it could just be shock that someone shares a common interest with him... In addition, he stated that bestiality is wrong, but didn't mention the age factor.

Another thing to note is that Chris's own character Rosechu is based off Amy Rose, another character from the Sonic the Hedgehog series, and one who is only twelve years old in canon.

It's possible Chris only cares about getting his china, and not so much how old it is. Then again, he doesn't ask for girls any older than him on his sign, so clearly he likes 'em young, so to speak. But this also might be a throwback from his "old-fashioned" rearing, which demands that the woman must be younger.

Bestiality

“	I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.	”
Chris in IRC (27 December 2008)

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated, with people arguing that he doesn't participate in the furry community, and probably only draws furry porn because he is a creature of habit and is more used to drawing furry porn than human porn. There have been some exceptions, but nearly all Rule 34s he has drawn depict some furry creatures having sex. Chris has also used his hedgehog fursona while cybering with Julie. In the Giant Penis Comic, Chris and Ivy both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. He most likely doesn't know what a furry is.

Another possible theory is, since Chris seems unable to mention the basic terms describing sexual action (see "china," "duck," etc.), the use of fursonas allows him to present sexual material in a cartoony, rather than realistic, fashion.

In his interview with ScrewAttackEurope, Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself with his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality. They're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals. Chris, however, is a man masturbating while drawing pictures of animals having sex with each other. That ain't normal.

Chris has also suggested that Brian from Family Guy be paired up with a 'any sexy breed' of dog.

Prostitution

“	"In my sarch[sic] on Craigslist, the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about Jack and my PSN account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me.  :("	”
Chris, wasting a prostitute's time

While being blackmailed by Jack Thaddeus, Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, Brian Bash had sent a trio of prostitutes to Chris's house so he would no longer be a Virgin with Rage. Hilarity ensued.

Chris and rape

“	I would appreciate it if I was FULLY UNDERSTOOD as the Noble Gentleman that I am.	”
Chris, a man who groped a woman the first time he met her.

As Chris's sexual frustrations continue to build and build, some observers have raised the unsettling question of whether he might try to force himself on a woman. The possibility does seem real - his relationship with Megan Schroeder provides many examples of his inability to understand the importance of respecting physical boundaries and the simple fact that "no means no."

Thanks to his characteristic lack of empathy, Chris has almost no grasp on how emotional and physical intimacies develop in the real world. Anime and porn have taught him all the wrong lessons — he assumes that sex is something that just happens, and usually sooner rather than later. He quite literally believes the joke statement, "rape is how they say 'hello' in Japan". Being a retard, he assumes that not only is that true, but that it applies to Western culture as well. He took it as a given that Megan would put out if he won the PaRappa the Rapper contest and took her to Seattle. In his conversations with Vivian Gee, he professed a belief that sex automatically happens after the third date. During his feud with CChanSonichuCWC, he seemed to think that he’d be able to get some if he lured his rival's girlfriend Kacey to his house, and never mind that she'd probably be able to tell the difference between Chris and her real boyfriend. This is him again believing that everyone is as stupid and terrible with faces as he is.

Whether Chris understands rape as a concept is up for debate. He claims that he knows what rape is, but at the very least, his self-absorption and lack of empathy mean that he doesn't understand the gravity of rape, or its long-term consequences for the victim. It is possible that the only reason he knows anything about rape is through porn, where it isn't portrayed as bad, and the girl always ends up enjoying it in the end.

As stated above, Chris has claimed that in his ideal world, homosexuals would be "taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]"and that "prisons will no longer be divided between gender." It is unknown if Chris would obtain permission from the women before putting them to work "reprogramming" gay men, but the fact that he specifies prison inmates seems to imply that he doesn't expect the women to cooperate willingly. He also fails to realise that "reprogramming" homosexuals by forcing them to have sex with women constitutes rape. The fact that he believes prisons being co-ed would reduce the incidence of homosexuality shows that he is, on some level, aware that homosexual sex and rape occurs in prison, but he doesn't specify whether integration would allow men and women to have consensual relations or just shift the rape from male on male to male on female.

When confronted with the news that his sweetheart PandaHalo had been raped by Clyde Cash and become pregnant as a result, Chris was easily distracted from the emotional impact of what had happened, and instead focused most of his attention on what kind of domestic arrangements would result, or whether he might have to forgo his trip to Nintendo of America headquarters in order to pay for an abortion. His first reaction was to tell her that he wouldn't blame her or "hold it against [her]". Any woman assumes as long as her mate isn't a misogynistic asshole that he wouldn't blame her, and being "reassured" of such isn't exactly comforting or helpful. Chris was even willing to accept the mind-boggling possibility that Panda might want to live with Clyde, and raise her child alongside him.

While pretending to be a troll in an IRC conversation, Chris suggested twice that the trolls should instigate him to rape Rocky. Whether Chris actually wants to rape Rocky and then use the trolls as a convenient scapegoat ("They made me do it!"), or whether he is particularly awful at bluffing, remains a mystery.

In Sonichu 10, Chris reveals that he had traveled forward in time and, aside from finding the cure for homosexuality, he also meets his future wife. Mistaking Chris for his future self, his wife invites him home for some sexing. Chris seems to think that there's nothing wrong with having sex with a woman if she thinks you're someone else. Chris falls back on the old standby, "if she didn't say no, it's not rape." Like his stance on Women's Rights, where he maintains he's not a chauvinist because he'd never physically abuse a woman, Chris fails to realize that there's more to it than that.

In his video IPods Down and Listen Up, Chis "sings" about sexual assault with him as the "star" rapist. The lyrics describe the victim as a "sleek, sexy panther" whom he fails to ambush as she flees. Then he chases her, wears her out and, in his own words, "...You take it like a gal (gal), and then we pump (pump-pump, pump) ..." until impregnation.

Despite all these foreboding implications, however, it helps to keep a few practical facts in mind. Chris is a physically decrepit coward with an incredibly low threshold of pain. If he ever attempted to assault a woman, he probably wouldn’t get very far. For the sake of all involved, anyway, let's hope so. This is assuming that he doesn't squash her first with his massive girth, in which case, there would be a problem.

TL;DR

Chris is about as straight as his duck.

See also

• Homos
• Women's rights
• Semen
• Mass debating
• Duck
• Chris and his ego