Kick the Autistic
Kick the Autistic is the world's favorite game. This is the act of doing anything Chris doesn't like. It is very probable he has done this in the past to get "speshul treatment" from "Young Ladies."
Variations
There are many known variations of the game, and we will go through the most effective.
Artistic Style
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris also competes, and out-talent him. This is usually easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by his fellow students and that no-good Adam Stackhouse. Beware: Chris may get grumpy and shoot at your photograph. Or beat you up in Soul Calibur.
Chris Style
Set yourself up as one of the most visible and recognized representatives of autism within internet culture. Act like an entitled child and develop horrifying perversions, which you discuss on YouTube. Give other autistic people a bad reputation by association. There is a 100% chance this will result in them trolling you.
Blanca Style
Take the time to befriend Chris and pretend you are a Boyfriend Free Girl until Chris trusts you. Then get Chris to give you something of value to him, and destroy it.
Jimmy Hill Style
Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized. If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's plagiarized comics. He will throw a fit and "take legal action against you if not removed by 14 days."
Sweetheart Style
Chris is of the completely clueless type, and will trust anyone with a little bit of time who claims to have a china. Pretend to befriend Chris, and when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something lulzy. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him drinking his own semen. Once this happens, put the goods up on Encyclopedia Dramatica and wait for the lulz to come pouring in.
Pickleman Style
Somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle suit. He will be bewildered by it and powerless to act.
Miscreant Style
Set events in motion that will keep Chris from ever getting laid. Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for clouding his judgement. As an added "fuck you," send an impostor The True and Honest Christian Weston Chandler to swipe his sweetheart.
Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity... or reincarnated as a pickle... whichever.
The current champion of this style is Chris himself.
Liquid Style
Pretend that you are the Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu, the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on YouTube detailing your many encounters with Clyde Cash and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours.
Alec Benson Leary of Asperchu has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect. Bonus points for buying ad space on the CWCipedia.
Michael Snyder Style
Permaban Chris from an establishment for no good reason other than sheer hatred for autistic people. Patiently wait until he tries to come back to his rightful place, and then rub your legs on his car's bumper in order to fake injury. Sue Chris for damages and bribe whoever needs to be bribed; once this is done, you'll be rolling in the dough.
God Style
Refuse to bail out the one and only Autistic Hero and center of your universe, Christian Weston Chandler of Ruckersville, VA whenever he hits parked cars, trespasses on private property, or vandalizes store displays. Grant prayers to people with concerns that aren't half as important as winning glorious victory over the Trolls/Cyber-Bullies. Finally, refuse to step in when your Autistic Hero accidentally sets fire to his home.
Gal-Pal Style
Reveal that you were just friends with him out of pity. Then, when Chris throws a tantrum about it, turn that pity into laughter by linking to one of his videos for all of his former gal-pals to see just how far he's fallen since they've last seen him.
Literally
Examples of literally kicking the autistic include: The teachers at Nathanael Greene Elementary School (barely), Jerkops (probably exaggerated) and TJ from GAMe PLACe (almost).
Chris has never experienced any substantial physical pain in his entire life that we know of. No broken bones or bare knuckle fights. His parents never raised a hand against him. There is also no record of him being grounded, or punished in any significant way even after he was caught masturbating in the kitchen. There is an anecdotal story about the time that Sarah Nicole Hammer tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell and skinned his knee, vowing never to roller skate again.
Because Chris has never been through the "school of hard knocks" (even running away if a confrontation seems imminent,) he seems pretty confident that he can tell anyone anything he wants without fear of consequence. However, with his latest skirmish on the 28 October 2011, it remained to be seen if things would have remained this way if he was sentenced to jail, where prisoners don't take too kindly to self-entitled manchildren who throw temper tantrums. Fortunately for him, he evaded this fate.
Uses by Chris
Recorded examples of this particular CWC-ism include the following:
- In the e-mail he sent to Sony after losing Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, Chris blamed his failure on "AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC!'"
- At the same time, in his first PSN blog entry cursing Adam Stackhouse, he bitched and mixed his metaphors about how "I have been the dog in America's favorite game, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC' for my whole life."
- After finding out that Panda was a troll during Vivitheg's AIM chat, Chris whined, "And so, the world continues to play the world's favorite game of 'Kick the Autistic'."
- Addressing Encyclopedia Dramatica users on 21 January 2008, Chris wrote "And if you have so much free time to play the cruelest game of "KICK THE AUTISTIC", then you CAN and SHOULD put the time to better use; volunteer for a social chore; take up the culture in tasteful art; go out and socialize."
- A variation was used in Chris's second version of Ok2bgay, with Chris opening the video with the words "Merry Kickmas".
Conclusion
Remember kids, Kick the Autistic is everyone's favorite game and can be replayed over and over with Chris. He just never learns.
See also
- Jerkop
- Reggie Fils-Aimé - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
- Troll
External links
- Click to play!! (Offline)