Sonichu's News Dash

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Well, it’s the end of another month, and I still don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe my latest idea, the Sonichu’s News Dash! newsletter, will make the ladies take notice of me.
Chris, believing your own newsletter will attract women, 31 January 2004

Sonichu's News Dash! was a newsletter distributed by Chris from 200405, in the finest tradition of fringe kooks, conspiracy theorists, survivalist tree-dwellers, religious oddballs and radical doomsday prophets. Chris once decided that printing up a newsletter would be the best way to attract boyfriend-free girls. Sonichu's News Dash! often contained poetry, highly defective dating advice, and details on Chris's life and personal interests. It would always end with his description of his requirements for a sweetheart, similar to what was printed on his Attraction Sign.

Chris was scolded by Mary Lee Walsh for littering the Piedmont Virginia Community College campus with copies, which led him to bear a grudge against her to this day.

Origins and publication schedule

Chris called the News Dash a "spinoff" from his website CWC's Pokésite 2. As with his later Sonichu comic, he chose a confusing numbering system for the issues. "Preview Issues" #00, #01 and #02 were simply relabeled entries from the news section of his Pokémon site. #00 was a brief announcement of the forthcoming CWC's Sonichu Site. #01 was the story of Bionic the Hedgehog. #02 was a review of "Sonic Adventure, 1999".

These were followed by "Issue #1" in January 2001, titled "Variety of Codes!". It provided the cheat codes for five Sonic the Hedgehog games. Like the previous three, it was just posted online, and physical copies were apparently not produced.

Chris then lost interest in the News Dash for three years. He revived the project in January 2004, when "Premiere Issue #1" came out. While the first several were definitely in print, it's not clear if all of them were. He published ten of these issues:

Premiere Issue #1 - January 2004

Issue #2 - February 2004. There were two versions of this issue; Chris said only that it was "Updated for Reasons," possibly linked to the Walsh troubles.

Issue #3 - March 2004

Issue #4 - April 2004

Issue #5 - September/October 2004

Issue #6 - November/December 2004

Issue #7 - January/February 2005 (erroneously published as "2004")

Issue #8 - March/April 2005 (also with "2004" on the masthead)

Issue #9 - "April, Part 2, 2004" (no one knows exactly what this means)

Issue #10 - May/June 2005 (Chris finally realizes what year it is)

Highlights from the newsletter

The News Dash! is a valuable source of information from the pre-trolling days, back when Chris was still stalking women in public places. Here are some tidbits from the News Dash!:

Sweetheart qualifications

As the newsletter was primarily a platform to promote himself to women, every issue ended with this description of his ideal sweetheart:

Issues 1 & 2
Christian W. Chandler is 21 (22 as of February 24, 2004) and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:

Issue 3 & 4

Christian W. Chandler is 22 and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:

Issue 5-10

Same as Issues 3 and 4, but with a link to his Match.com profile.

Sonichu Rap

The following bit of opaque random-access humor is how he chose to headline his very first issue:

Issue #1

Sonichu Busts a Move

After watching the classic Peanuts TV episode, It’s Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown, he gets the disco tune stuck in his head and busted more moves than Little Thin Momma. Sonichu said, “I didn’t understand what came over me; I’ve heard the song once and suddenly, I created the “Sonichu Rap.”

Boycott Playstation and X-Box

Issue #1

Sonic the Hedgehog Makes an Ethical Mistake

After amazing success on the Nintendo Gamecube and Game Boy Advance, Sonic pays a visit to the Playstation 2 and X-Box systems; BIG MISTAKE! The PS2 and X-Box versions remained dusty on the shelves, and the GCN version SOLD OUT. Consumers all said and agreed that the PS2 and X-Box stink on ice, mostly because of the terrible graphics. Since the Ganecube has the BEST graphics of all, it is the TOP system ever. So, in this reporter’s opinion, you should buy the Gamecube version of Sonic Heroes, and boycott the PS2 and X-Box altogether.

Chris on PowerWeb

There were two versions of Issue #2. The first version opened with the following critique of a PVCC online registration tool. The second version cut this and replaced it with a description of the Chaotic Combo. It's not clear why Chris did this.

Issue #2

PowerWeb…Here or in the Pier?

Powerweb, Personalized Options With Easy Registation on the Web. It’s the latest thing at Piedmont Virginia Community College. But what is it? The PowerWeb brochure states that it enables you to access personal student information and enroll into classes on the internet which can be used from any computer. On PowerWeb, you are able to review courses for availability and status. Add, drop or swap classes. Pay tuition with a credit card. Review or print schedule, and other things.

But it is well known and experienced by this reporter that PowerWeb is terrible for quite a few reasons (listed below). Back in the better days, you could simply fill out one form, have it signed and be well on your way. Here, it’s just click, click, click…”Huh?!”…click, click…. It’s appalling! So, in this reporter’s opinion, REQUEST the good old forms and KILL PowerWeb!

Why PowerWeb STINKS on Ice

  1. It is FORCED as the ONLY way to enroll into PVCC.
  2. There is no alternative to enrolling, because they took away the original registration forms.
  3. It’s NOT user-friendly.
  4. It was not designed for the computer illiterate.
  5. It’s very unethical.
  6. There is no person-to-person contact.
  7. High risk of lost connection while figuring it out.
  8. Much LONGER waiting time.
  9. It’s too much trouble to deal with.
  10. It had too much advertising to give a darn.

Share some happiness with Christian

Chris opened the (revised) second issue as follows:

Issue #2

*Very Special Bulletin*

On February 24, 2004, Christian Chandler will turn 22 years old! His 21st was not so great. So share some happiness with him by wishing him a Happy Birthday!

On the hiatus of the News Dash!

Issue #5

Extended Hiatus is Finished

We here at Sonichu’s News Dash apologize for not writing up issues during the summer months, but the head chief of staff, Christian Weston Chandler, was in a Very Lonesome slump. And he was recently Soul and Heart-Shattered by a bunch of Jerk Cops at the Fashion Square shopping center, and by the female dog, Mary Lee Walsh, at Piedmont Virginia Community College. These people did not agree with his sound methods of attracting an 18-(his current age) Boyfriend-Free woman. But after a stroll through the lovely and serene campus at the University of Virginia, he regained some peace within himself. And so, while he is still journeying through his Love Quest, the News Dash will run Bi-Monthly, but with more general articles of interest. Thank you for your patience.[1]

Sonichu goes to the University of Virginia library

Issue #5

Sonichu Explores the UVA

After hanging at Fashion Square and PVCC, Sonichu, the Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, decided to give the University of Virginia a try. He found the campus grounds serene and peaceful with its history, scenery and plenty of grass to rest on. He found himself educated within the libraries’ many books, and made like he was in Paris with the outdoor tables and chairs. And the “Corner” stores had an interesting selection of items from pencil sets to DVDs. He gave the UVA 5/5 Lightning Bolts of approval. Thank you UVA, for a very peaceful place to chill at in the city of Charlottesville[1].

Chris at an anime con

Chris meeting Monica Rial
Issue #5

Sonichu’s Father Meets Hyatt’s Voice

On May 29, 2004, I, Christian Chandler, attended my first Anime Convention. I had a good time watching some Anime, sampling some Ramune (Japan Soda), and other things. My main highlight though was meeting the lovely and sweet-spoken voice actress, Monica Rial (pictured next to me to the left). Monica is well known for being the voice behind many Anime characters. Some of which include: Hyatt (Excel Saga), Saki (Steel Angel Kurumi), Mikako (Martian Sucessor Nadesico [sic]) and Shii (Puni Puni Poemy). She also sings opera very nicely, and she is a very nice, fun and sweet person to hang around with. She sure made my day a sweet one. ;8)[1]

A Very Special Holiday Chris-chan

Issue #6

The Christmas Rush

The Christmas season is upon us, and with that comes the rush for the C-Mas Turkey, Tree (real or artificial), and of course, the presents. So, Sonichu and the News Dash have some helpful tips to give a better feel of the season to all.

• If your children, or spouse, want some video games, but no toys, buy some toys anyway, they will be surprised. We recommend any of Lego sets, Transformers and Dolls.
• Wrap the presents anyway, because they always want to rip up the wrapping paper like a candy bar.
• Always remember that Christmas is the celebration of family, so never leave out any relatives from your festivities.
• If you do not have a family, then find a friend to share C-Mas with [2].

Chris wants a girlfriend for Christmas

Issue #6

Single, Lonesome and Very Depressed

While all have families, so does he. While all men have Girlfriends, this man does not, and he is very depressed about it. “Since Agust, 2003,” Christian Weston Chandler said, “I’ve been trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free, 18-22-year old girl.” His methods were sound and well-thought; simple signs, looking cool, and “chilling” in the most social places. His one fault, that has restricted him from finding the Ms. Right, he had a major case of Noviophobia, where he is afraid to even approach most ladies, because he thought that they were all already paired up with “A Jerk.” His thoughts are sound as the Boyfriend Factor is so high, it leaves him with no pretty ladies to choose from. So, if there are any pretty ladies without a…Boyfriend, you can find this lonesome prince hanging at the Fashion Square mall Saturday afternoons, in front of Ambercrombie & Fitch. Don’t let his friendly smile fool you; he is hurting inside. Please help Chris have a Happy Holiday.[2]

Prelude to Sonichu #0

Issue #6

Sonichu Comic Book is in the Works

Sonichu's father, Christian Chandler, is working on a Sonichu comic book. It will be hand-drawn, as most comics are. And it will feature “Sonichu’s Origin,” the “Genesis of the Lovehogs,” and “Sonichu’s First Big Battle.” It will also include exclusive introductory content into Chris’s world, as well as Sonichu’s world. Chris said that his target date is before June, 2005, the month of the Anime Mid-Atlantic Convention in Richmond, VA; he plans to be there. So, if you’ve been a Sonichu fan up to then, come find him at the convention, and he will be happy to share the hand-drawn stories of Sonichu!

*Sonichu cover provided by Author, Christian Weston Chandler.[2]

An indirect appeal to Mary

Issue #6

Wicked Witch of PVCC Gives to Cwcville?

Hslaw Eel Yram, who previously shattered hearts and souls, is handing out presents at Cwcville’s Christmas Tree lighting? Odd, but true, and when interviewed, she had this to say, “After three months in prison, I became rehabilitated and more happy to give joy to those I’ve hurt.” Then we asked her about her oldest victim, Christian Chandler, she said, “I plan to give him a surprise on Christmas Eve, a heart-felt apology.” Well, I guess we’ll see if she will be true to her word on the night before Christmas.[2]

Chris's dating tips

Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.
Chris, preaching what he never practices
Issue #7

Tips for Finding Love, from the Experts

Take it from the lonesome man in Virginia who has been trying to find a Boyfriend-Free girl for over One year and Five months, with the Boyfriend Factor being infinitely high, all you lonesome saps have to summon up courage, or you won’t be able to get anywhere. So here are some tips from me, as well as noted givers of the 411:

  • (CWC) When a girl does acknowledge your existence, rather by a simple wave, or as extreme as a hug, forget the Boyfriend-Factor, summon your courage and talk to her. And be sure to ask her if she does have a Boyfriend.
  • (CWC) If she does have a Boyfriend, keep her name in mind, because she could help you hook up with a pretty Boyfriend-Free girl in the future.
  • (John Tesh) If you want to give her a gift right off the bat, give, or send, her a bouquet of flowers, other than the clichéd Roses, and no more. You’ll have plenty of time in the future to give her more.
  • (John Tesh) The right time to give her a gift, during your date, is during, of after, desert [sic] (especially if you made the desert [sic] for her yourself).
  • (CWC) If you are meeting her for the first time, just keep a cool head, and be yourself. But if you want a quick list of what to do, here’s my list, courtesy of the Sprung game for the Nintendo DS:
  • Introduce yourself: try to look serious on your face; do not smile big, and do not use a forceful voice tone.
  • Compliment her: on her hair or eyes.
  • Break the Ice with a joke: try not to use an offensive joke. Or, you can do what I do, if you can, just imitate good ol’ Donald Duck. Quack! Quack!
  • (Depending on the situation), offer to buy her a drink, or comment on a topic of interest (such as the weather).
  • Ask for her name: make it sound kind and fun. For example, you can say, “Do angels like you have names?” If she is offended by that, apologize and say that you thought it was a kind way of asking her name. [3]
  • (I’d add this step) Ask her about herself: where her family came from, favorite movie or color, and other fun basic things like that. And try to make the conversation fun, because the more fun she has with you, the more likely you are to get her phone number.
  • Ask for her phone number: if she does not give it to you now, just give her time, and just hang with her, and she’ll give it to you.
  • Ask her for a date: make it immediate, like after work or school. An immediate date shows real interest, or desperation.
  • (CWC) Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.
  • (John Tesh) Your date is very important. If you take her to a party, then you probably feel like you need the support of your friends in front of your girlfriend. If you take her to a movie, you are likely to want her to yourself, and sneak a smooch in the dark. But if you take her to dinner, then you are showing real interest, because you are most able to converse over a good meal.
  • (John Tesh) When you want to watch a movie with her, you should pick a romance flick. Since you and she are less likely to feel romantic during any other movie category, like action or horror. And hey, she will most appreciate the love you show by sharing the chick flick, because it shows that you care about her feelings[4].


Prelude to Silvana

Issue #7

New Rosechu from Outer Space

Recently, a black Rosechu came down from outer space in a fashionable space ship. She came down onto our Earth wreaking havoc by abducting the Sonichu Heroes. But in conjunction with Chris-Chan Sonichu, the Rosechus of Earth rescued all of them. In an interview with Magi-Chan Sonichu, he said, “I’ve been communicating with her through telekinesis, and she sounded very lonesome. She said that she was a female Pikachu who was hit by a shining light from the Chaos Rainbow.” The Chaos Rainbow was the rainbow made when Super Sonic collided with the Pikachu, on that fateful day in Station Square years ago. And when interviewed, the black Rosechu, who named herself, Silvana, she stated, “I abducted the Sonichus, because it was very lonesome on the moon, there were NO aliens there at all. And when I communicated with Magi-Chan, I was inspired to build my spacecraft with the remains of the shuttle that put me there in the first place." [4]

Chris's letter on Sprung

Issue #8

Free Personal AD in Nintendo Power Magazine!

I, Christian Weston Chandler, have sent an E-Mail to Nintendo Power’s “Players’ Pulse” section on January 9, 2005, in response to Nintendo DS’s Sprung game (scanned pages shown above). After receiving my copy of the April, 2005 issue, I was pleasantly surprised to find my E-Mail printed in the “Players’ Pulse” section, with the screen shot (shown to the bottom-right), which I find very appropriate to my current situation. The girl on top says, “YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND KICKS YOUR ***!” Although, there are a couple of fixes to mend in their print out: the fear I was referring to should be “NOVIOPHOBIA,” not “NOIOPHOBIA.” Also, since February 24, 2005, I am now 23-years old, and I am looking for an 18-23-year old, Boyfiend-Free, Datable Girl whom I can love and trust. Also, a little time after using the teachings of Sprung, my fear came back like a boomerang[5].

Chris's 23rd Birthday

Issue #8

CWC Had a Happy Birthday Party

Christian Chandler had originally planned to have his party on Thursday, February 24, but then it got snowed out, so it was changed to Saturday, February 26. His party was located at the Fashion Square Shopping Center in Charlottesville, Virginia, by the tree between Abercrombie & Fitch and Pacific Sunwear. A couple of his new-found gal-pals, who all already have Boyfriends, or are otherwise undatable, due to her religion, came by to his party and have partaken in the lovely cake and Mello Yello soda pop. They also gave him a very nice present too. His parents were also there, with a present as well, and they told a couple of interesting stories of Christian. Christian, his parents, and his friends, all had a good time, which makes up for Christian’s snowed out 23rd Birthday.[5]

Completion of Sonichu #0

Issue #9

Sonichu Comic Book is Completed!

Yes, Sonichu fans, the Premiere Hand-Drawn issue of the Sonichu Comic Book has been completed. The project was started with the Cover drawing (see issue #6 of the News Dash for the previous information) back on November 24, 2004, and since then, with random inspiration and too many breaks, the book was completed on March 15, 2005. The Comic includes the first 3 Episodes of our heroic Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, Sonichu, classic strips drawn before the Comic project and two “Advertisements” for possible future games (at least in Christian W. Chandler’s dreams). CWC said, “Well, it took a long time, all things considered, but I feel that this Comic is my best work yet. I have also recently made a Sub-Episode that, one may say, started right after the Epilogue in Episode 3; it will be placed exclusively on the Sonichu Site for the fans to see. Also, I’m thinking about a Premiere Issue #1 featuring the story of how Black Sonichu was created, as well as how Sonichu and Sonic the Hedgehog “formally” met. 8) I’ll keep you up to date as I am inspired; until then, keep on “Zappin’ to the Extreme!” On the Sonichu Site, there will be two ways to access the Comic: through a link on the front page, or click on the Back Cover image (shown below) in this issue of the News Dash[6].

Chris plans to hustle Sonichu at a con

Issue #9

Christian & Sonichu are to Appear at the Anime Convention

(So to speak) Christian Chandler plans to attend the Anime Mid Atlantic Convention in Richmond, Virginia on all three days (June 17-19, 2005). Since he has put himself into Sonichu’s world, he will “Cosplay” as himself (talk about self-respect, huh?). Also, he will be watching some of the good anime, getting some souvenirs, participating in some of the events and just having a good time. Also, he will have some printed copies of the Sonichu Premiere Issue #0 on hand, but if you want a collectable copy, you will have to find him, and ask for one.
At the convention, as noted for now, there will be quite a selection of special guests attending, such as ADV voice actors, Greg Ayers and Doug Smith, and author Robert V. Aldrich. CWC hopes that Monica Rial will be there again this year (see News Dash issue #5 for his previous encounter with this lovely Voice Actress)! 8) Also up for fun are the Art Shows, contests, Guest Panels, Workshops, Video Game Room, Vendors to sell Cool Anime items (some imported from Japan), and much, much more. To learn more about the Anime Mid-Atlantic convention, regrestration, and where in Richmond, Virginia it is located, visit the website at http://www.animemidatlantic.com[6].

Chris says goodbye to Sonic X

Issue #9

Sonic X: Final Episode Review

On Saturday, March 26, 2005, the 52nd, and Final Episode of Sonic X was aired on Fox’s “4Kids TV.” And I, Christian Chandler, was sad to know that it was aired, because it seems like yesterday that Episode 1 was aired for the first time. Anyway, I enjoyed the 52nd episode. It seemed short to me, but that was only because there were fewer commercial breaks than usual. My favorite part was when Amy ran to meet and greet Sonic back to their home world. Though Amy shouted very uproariously, she was concerned about if Sonic was ever going to be there for her again, as well as his safety. And I could see in Sonic’s expression that he appreciated Amy’s concern and love; he is one lucky hedgehog to have a girlfriend to care for him like that. And of course, Super Sonic’s entrance was a lot more that extraordinary; it was also a scene to really cheer for! After all, it was none other than Sonic in his Super form (which is a treat to see anyway). Knuckle’s and Rouge’s bought about the Space/Time continuum was ridiculous, and how it ended “ticklish” was a real scream. And Christopher’s All-Grown-Up flashbacks made me feel like Japan may make more Sonic X episodes in the future, as the flashbacks left an opening for upcoming episodes. In short, the Final Episode was a Great one.

New Sonichu comics

Issue #10

2 Brand Spankin’ New Sonichu Comic Issues!

Hey, Hey, Hey! What do I say? I say, I’ve been very busy with Premiere Issues #1 and 2 of my Sonichu Comic Book! Episodes 4-6 feature Black Sonichu’s Origin, How Sonichu and Sonic the Hedgehog met, and the stupidest thing I’ve ever drawn in my life. 8) Also, Sub-Episode explores an actual event that happened to the Intrusive Director, me, Christian Weston Chandler. Also, Random artwork, the ads, and good laughs and parodies. Episodes 7-9 features how Christian got his ability to transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu. As well as Wes-Li Sonichu and Sarahama Rosechu’s Origins, with an Anchuent Prophecy. Also, Sub-Episode 3, two new Home-Drawn ads, and a dedication to Christian’s Best Friend. heck them out on the Sonichu Site by clicking the images (shown below). Also, stay tuned in the near future for Premiere Issue #3, featuring the origin of the Chaotic Combo and more. Zap On!

The News Dash! Incident, in Chris's own words

Mary Lee Walsh made it illegal to distribute the News Dash; I AM VERY ANGRY AT THAT XXXXX! In response, Iplan to incite the masses, and hope they DEMAND the return the News Dash so my chances on getting a girlfriend can be restored. I have also declared WAR on them as well!
Chris, greatly overestimating his own power[7]

Sources

External links


The writings of Christian Weston Chandler

Poetry: "Valentines Day Hymn" | "For My True Love, I Would…" | "Hard Love Quest" | "I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas" | "Saddest Heart in the World" | "Song of Christian" | "Sonichu's Ode to Rosechu" | "An Inspired Poem for Jackie" | "PAIN Enduring since October 29, 2013"

Prose: "How the Pokémon Came into Our PokéBalls" | "A Week With Christian Chandler" | "My big 18th party" | "Bionic the Hedgehog" | "Sonichu & Rosechu… The Genesis of the Lovehogs" | Sonichu's News Dash | "Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares" | "Story of My Current Days" | "The High School Story" | "A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story" | Chris's Response to the Terrorism Attacks in Paris | "The Awakening of a CPU, AKA The Idea Guy Corruptions"


See also: Chris and writing