Chris and death

Rest in peace?

Death stalks Chris at every turn, and as a result he has a hard time understanding and/or coping with death, be it the death of a human or an animal, or even a fictional character.

His poor reactions to death most likely come from Chris's lack of empathy, and his incredibly underdeveloped mind. Kids often don't understand death until they're quite old, around 10-12 years; before that, they usually just think it's "like sleeping forever" or "just leaving." Chris, being a 3-year-old inside, can only resort to these clumsy analogies to sort of understand death; he even has a habit of appealing to dead people to "come back."

It could be that the only shows that Chris watched that dealt with death in any way had plot devices to facilitate the return of the departed. Chris, who is unable to connect cause with effect and considers behaviors from fiction to be interchangeable with reality, may simply assume that the dead can come back whenever they want.

Here are the departed souls, in order from earliest to latest:

Deaths

The victims of the Titanic incident (d. 1912)

In his message to Lars in September 2010, Chris belittled the lives of the men, women and children who died in the sinking of the RMS Titanic by constructing a boat out of Lego with several Lego men on it, one representing Lars, pretending the ship sinks, then destroying the boat.

Every single victim of the World Trade Center attacks (d. 2001)

In the Twin Falling Towers video of 1 November 2009, Chris makes fun of Clyde and says that he is as weak as the Twin Towers. He then shows the mouse cursor crashing into the buildings, complete with sound effects. This has shocked many, including somebody who lost a loved one in the attacks and this could possibly be the lowest that Chris has ever gone.

Patti Chandler (1988-2006)

Patti was Chris's pet dog, and she died in June 2006. Chris apparently drew a picture of a crying Sonichu face on the signature confirming the euthanasia process. As seen in the image used in this article, Patti also appeared in the comic, immortalized as an anthro. This is particularly disturbing in that Chris has apparently decided to deny his dog the afterlife that he presumably believes in, in favor of locking her in his own personal hell, in which she will only exist when he can be bothered to draw her. Effectively, he's stolen and erased her soul.

To Chris, her death is the greatest tragedy of his life, which he often compares to the deaths of other people's family members and loved ones. Not surprisingly, every single person he has said this to has become horribly offended, yet he continues to use this example.

Oddly enough, Patti may have been the only being Chris ever cared about. On the one year anniversary of her death, Chris even broke down in tears and had to be consoled by his mother. By comparison, the "death" of any Sweetheart will result in a day of mourning, if she is lucky.

RocketFox's Dad (1966-2008)

RocketFox's Dad used to be an alcoholic, but recovered and stayed sober for ten years. However, his liver failed and he passed away in mid-October 2008. When RocketFox asked Chris for advice on how to cope, Chris considered it an "accident" and went on a spiel about how bad alcohol was. This is actually the first death during the trolling, and it was mentioned to Chris to see how he would react to such news, and as mentioned, Chris did so poorly. Ryan's death and Chris's reaction cemented this. About eight months later, Chris became a huge hypocrite...

Sarah Jackson (1981-2008)

A former heartsweet of Chris (and Decepticon) who was killed in a car crash carefully executed plan by Optimus Prime. SPOILERS: A troll. Sarah Jackson, like Patti, was used in his comic for a while as "Ms. Jackaras" in Sonichu #9. Unlike Patti, Ms. Jackaras gets the same fate as her non-comic counterpart, and is replaced by her sister, who continues the lesson anyway. None of the Sonichu characters mourn the loss of their professor. Sound like someone?

Ryan Cash (1996-2008)

Ryan was Clyde's brother who was a huge fan of Sonichu. After the comics were delayed over and over, Ryan fell into a depression and committed suicide. Chris, of course, reacted to this in an inconsiderate manner, telling Clyde and his family to "just move on", and marveling at his power to incite suicide.

PandaHalo (d. 2009?)

Despite her being thousands of kilometers away from the bushfires, Chris assumed PandaHalo was dead. She is actually alive and kicking but Chris still doesn't know this. Two days after her "death," he went to find another sweetheart to mass debate to, saying "It's OK though, at least I have a good woman who's willing to be by my side at this point." This flagrant disrespect shouldn't surprise anyone because Chris is a self-centered asshole. This saga further proved that Chris has no sense of empathy or respect for the dead.

Nine months later, Sonichu #9 featured a special "memorial" to PandaHalo and a sequence in which she dies (off-screen) in a building fire after saving her "Pokemon", Chloe Rosechu and Blazebob Sonichu, so they wouldn't "burn with" her. Apparently, Chris didn't feel like he needed to honor the life of his beloved sweetheart and instead depicted her horrible, fiery death. He also has to mention that she "burned," which shows how he doesn't realize how painful and awful it would be to die in a fire. It's also not a term that anyone would use to describe the death of a loved one, providing more evidence of how little he actually cared about her. Because it took nine months to "honor" her death, he most likely decided he needed more god-awful characters for his shitty comic, was too lazy to create a new recolor and chose to use Chloe and Blazebob, thus reminding him of PandaHalo, who he had likely forgotten, and made him decide to feature a memorial to her.

More recently, Chris "dedicated" all of Sonichu #10 to PandaHalo's memory. This would be almost touching, if the alleged dedication didn't wholly consist of how awesome Chris was for using Panda's cover artwork. And then there's the issue of Sonichu #10 largely consisting of Chris murdering everybody he dislikes...

Sarah May

After being called "Julie" multiple times, Sarah May attempted suicide over Mumble. Immediately after she went offline, rather than express any concern or try to find a way to stop her, Chris told Julie (who was also in the chat), "I still have you," with a completely emotionless "oh well" attitude. Julie was playing along with Chris, and did not react to Sarah's suicide attempt in any human-like fashion either; yet, it did not occur to Chris that Julie's behavior was in any way unnatural. Chris then made an immature shout-out to her on a YouTube video, with tears faker than all his sweethearts combined. His reason for her to hold on? Because he'd be so sad without her. While mentioning the feelings of friends and families despair is typical in suicide prevention, Chris did it in such a selfish way, only thinking of how he'd feel, not how her family and friends would feel, that it was just full of fail and narcissism.

Aunt Corrina (1936-2009)

Chris's aunt Corrina had her funeral on Chris's birthday, which was also Shrove Tuesday, a Christian holiday that involves eating pancakes. Needless to say, Chris cared more about the pancakes than the funeral of his own aunt. Patti was also obtained from her (see the e-mail link above).

When the "I know how to be sad because my dog died" excuse fails, Chris usually follows up with an offhand mention of his Aunt Corrina. If that fails the deaths of his many sweethearts tends to follow, although any normal human would bring those up first and the dog would be lucky to get a mention at all.

Clyde Cash (1976-2009)

In early 2009, Christian once seemed to be aware that Clyde Cash was supposedly dead, but cast a slight bit of doubt over the idea. Regardless, he cursed Clyde in Captain's Log, Stardate August 18th, 2009, just in case. He's back.

BILLY MAYS (1958-2009)

In the video Captain's Log, Stardate July 1st, 2009, Chris only seems to be upset over people blaming him for MAYS's death, and loudly denies that he was ever the mayor of CWCville. He doesn't even offer his condolences to MAYS's family. Down the line, Chris selfishly adopts the idea that MAYS was in fact his bodyguard and he died protecting Chris. He goes even further by stating that he was also his identical body double and "without the beard we'd look the same". At least he's admitting that he's overweight.

In Sonichu #9, Chris slaps in a one-page intro with BILLY saying that he was never was the Mayor, but was part of Chris's group. At the bottom was a message from Chris, asking him to "come back soon."

Ivy (1992-2009)

Former sweetheart Ivy committed suicide after not being allowed to see Chris. Chris uploaded the CWC "Boyfriend" video as a memorial. Yes, a poorly sung remake of Avril Lavigne's happy, bouncy pop/punk song, with lyrics changed to be about how much Chris would like women to date him. Unless the original was somehow Ivy's favorite song, this is just short of "Another One Bites the Dust" as one of the worst possible songs one can dedicate to a recently deceased loved one. Chris included pictures of several past sweethearts in the video, making it less of a tribute to Ivy and more of a monument to Chris's fail.

Furthermore, as is unquestionably appropriate, Ivy's tragic demise was incorporated into issue 9 of the comic. Rather than admit to having a hand in her suicide, Chris conjures up a magnificently gruesome accidental death, which involved having gotten her neck broken with elevator wires after falling through the elevator floor. Although this is a particularly troubling manipulation of what really happened, Chris more than makes up for it with gravitas; he gracefully, albeit belatedly, offers a tiny orange box in memory to Ivy 'O'Niel', taking pride of place underneath a backshot of Slaweel and some weird faux-Transformers actions. All of the above shows the leaps and bounds Chris has made in his appropriate handling of tragic deaths.

When confronted about this insanity in the Mailbag, Chris got quite indignant, demanding to know what the questioner thought he should have done, since Ivy had died in real life and could no longer serve as Chris's God-given sweetheart. Why he felt the need to make her death in the series gruesomely similar to her real-life suicide is a question for the ages. It's not clear whether it had ever crossed Chris's mind to keep this horrific death out of the pages of what is supposedly a comic aimed at children, or to let Ivy's character live on in CWCville like he had done for Patti Chan and BILLY MAYS.

Mary Jo (d. 2009)

In a mailbag, Chris was asked by a troubled fan what he should do after the death of his beloved Mary Jo.

“	Mary Jo is gone (I feel for you), but you should move on and try to find another woman who will treat you about as good, or possibly better than, her. Suck it up, and move on like a Man would. I tell you as a Man who had to do the same thing a few times in the past too.	”
Chris, being super-sensitive.

Chris clearly states how he believes a death should be approached by a man (which includes finding another woman right away and a specific lack of grieving), and tells the traumatized fan that he should simply move onto a better woman since his girlfriend's death, not only being completely asinine, but also outlining that he believes women to be replaceable and possibly interchangeable.

The obituary that Chris didn't even bother to read.

Mike Jackson (1969-2010)

Throughout January 2010, a man named Mike Jackson sent Chris a series of friendly letters asking for advice, and then begging for help after Chris's amazingly bad advice completely ruined his life. Chris, caring soul that he is, promised the absolute minimum amount of effort (a YouTube video) and then never made good on his word.

Distraught over Chris's total lack of action, and terrified at the risk of having his family torn to pieces, Mike died from a sleeping pill overdose. Mike's grieving widow generously decided to let Chris view the private obituary page set up for friends and family of the deceased, saying that Mike would have wanted her to treat Chris with respect and decency.

Chris responded to the news of Mike's death with the same copy-pasted bullshit he used to pretend he was listening to criticism. The two infamous sentences made no sense in context and demonstrated beyond the shadow of a doubt that Chris could not care less about Mike's tragic death. It was revealed in Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8 that Chris didn't even view Mike's obituary page, and his response to Mike's grieving son was all of three words long.

The Mike Jackson "mini-saga" might be the most conclusive proof yet that Chris doesn't understand the consequences of his terrible advice, or the gravity of the tragedy he caused.

Simonla Rosechu

The bastard child in question.

During the Asperchu saga, a recurring theme was Evan's legal claims in regard to Simonla as a derivative of his character, Simonchu. While early demands were for Chris to edit his old strips to remove Simonla entirely from continuity, later Evan consented to letting Chris keep Simonla's early appearances, on the grounds that he kill her at a later date. Chris, not surprisingly, totally lost his shit, showing a much stronger emotional attachment to an empty, one-dimensional fictional character than he has managed for any living creature other than his fucking dog. Finally, after being faced with severe legal action, Chris finally killed Simonla in Sonichu #10, though not before she laid an egg out of wedlock with her baby-daddy Wild (though, of course, the act of laying the egg was never shown, or even mentioned), which hatched into Sandy Rosechu.

It should be noted that, as revealed in the Alec Benson Leary Phone Calls, Chris considers cartoon characters to be real. Not figuratively, not essentially: literally real, living creatures that exist in some other world reminiscent of Toon Town from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Simonla's death was as real to him as that of any of his family members or sweethearts... perhaps even more so.

Yeardley Love (1987-2010)

Yeardley Love was a lacrosse player for UVA who was murdered. Chris uploaded a video discussing the story (which he probably just saw on TV for a few minutes), but didn't even bother to say her name. He also stated that the murderer should get 20 years in prison for the shock of the murder, which is twice his desired punishment for smoking. Later in the video, he rerouted the subject towards himself and stated how everyone needed to be sympathetic of him and his autism and that he's not a bad man. In other words, he used the death of a girl he never knew or really cared about in order to make himself look good.

Barbara (1941-soon) and Bob Chandler (1927-sooner)

File:Ctrl-alt-chrischan.jpg

He remembered his PSP.

Coming soon... both are well into their "Silver Years" and suffering from many health issues, compounded by their age. It doesn't help that they're living in a landfill.

On 1 March 2010, Bob was sent to the hospital with congestive heart failure, owing to his age, diet and lifestyle. In the Tweet announcing Bob's heart failure, Chris stated that he believed his father would survive, and showed more concern for the stress he was under than his own father's health. On top of that, during the date with Emily, Bob stated that he already died (probably for a minute or two and then was brought back, or his heart had to be stopped during surgery). Bob has had four prior heart attacks and "Eat at Burger King" is still a part of his daily routine. His inevitable death (and probably one more heart attack) is likely to occur sometime within the next few years months.

Chris himself

Given Chris's terrible diet, poor health, obesity, lack of exercise and general lack of concern for anything, he is unlikely to live far into his forties. However, he may be genetically disposed to live a long — albeit, miserable — life: Bob has lived into his eighties despite being a heavy drinker, and other male relatives have lived past 90 (the average American man dies at 75 or 76).

Naturally, the death of Chris himself is the only death that immediately concerns Chris. And unsurprisingly, he is only worried about his death because it would put a stop to the Love Quest once and for all. Chris's fear of death is probably an extension of his fear of reaching old age before getting laid, as opposed to the fear of death exhibited by normal people. Chris also apparently has a recurring nightmare where he finds himself "going into the light". It is unknown when he began to have this nightmare, but it is likely one of the "bad dreams" Chris claimed that Ivy helped stop. It has probably been going on for years and will most likely continue until the day it comes true.

See also

• Autism
• Lack of empathy
• Death threats