14 Branchland Court
| “ | No burglar would ever want anything in this house. | ” |
| Chris, Mailbag 44 | ||
14 Branchland Court, Ruckersville, VA is the lair of Christian Weston Chandler, his mother Barbara, Christopher's ghost, Clover and Snoopy and the surviving Chandler cats. It is a white (now faded to ivory) two-story house trimmed in pink (faded from a dark red) with three bedrooms on the outskirts of Ruckersville. The property is near the intersection of Branchland Court and Westwood Drive, facing northwest. The house is just past the local trailer park, and nestled in a lower middle class suburban community. Built in 1977, and with no major work done since 1986[1], the house shows its age with its tacky fake shutters and vinyl siding. As a result of its dated look, in addition to the decaying gardens and overgrown yard, it has done a number on local property values.
As of March 2009, all space not used for walking or sleeping appeared to be packed full of junk. However, in earlier pictures (those of Chris's twentieth birthday [2002], for instance), the house seemed reasonably tidy. In his video tour, Chris also keeps referring to the fact that "things got cluttered," suggesting that the house has grown fuller and fuller in the past decade. "Clutter" is, of course, a horrible understatement. The house is packed with crap. Its former living room is unusable, with junk filling the entire space and reaching within two feet of the ceiling. Similarly, other rooms are full of junk, but rather than solid blocks of shit, there are small crevices with chairs, TVs, and other furnishings.
THAT IS MY HOUSE revealed that Chris's parents were aware of the house's condition (what with the junk being both a health hazard and a fire hazard), and fear that Chris's video tours may elicit the attention of the Health Department of Greene County resulting in their home being condemned. Trolls made several calls to the health department in hopes of spurring such a process into action, but their efforts proved fruitless.
Chris claimed to have put forth some effort towards cleaning up the house in early 2010, but the "back-breaking" tasks he describes amount to simple maintenance, like vacuuming and scrubbing the floors. He talks about this as if he is making great progress in fixing the disaster area that is 14 Branchland Court, but his efforts appear to be just enough to keep him from slipping on cat shit on a regular basis. His mother has threatened to kick him out of the house if he tries to throw away her worthless junk.[2]
Chris also claimed that Bob used to use a computer, but Barbara bought an enormous amount of crap from Goodwill, blocking off the computer. Apparently, Bob was too lazy or unwilling to provoke a fight, as he just stopped using the computer.[3]
In a phone call to Rocky Shoemaker, it was revealed that 14 Branchland Court was infested, and that the parasitic infestation caused Bob to be "covered in bug bites" before his death from heart disease.
History
Chris lived at 14 Branchland Court from his birth (24 February 1982) until his family moved him to the Richmond area, some distance away, in order to escape the Greene County Public School system's attempts to pull him out of mainstream schools. After the move, which took place in fall 1992, Chris and his father lived in the Richmond suburbs while his mother held the fort in Ruckersville so she could continue working for the local electric power authority until retirement. Barbara joined them after retiring a few years later.
The Chandlers moved back to the Ruckersville house in 2000 after Chris graduated high school. In a video released in May 2010, Chris claims that his family tried and failed to sell the house at some point, and would have stayed in the Richmond suburbs if they had been able to find a buyer. (He attributes the house's failure to sell to a conspiracy between local realtors and the Greene County school system; but, as this article will explain, it probably went unsold for more practical reasons.)
The Tour
- Main article: Tour of Chris's House
| “ | if Clyde thought my room is a mess, he should see the rest of my house; my family has a LOT of clutter from small things in boxes to furniture. [...] You don't need to feel surprised from the mess of my family, my mother got her things one at a time while "it was a bargain". | ” |
| Chris to Julie[4] | ||
In two videos uploaded on 27 March 2009, Chris provided a tour of his house and the property that it's on. Like his own room, Chris's entire house is a disaster area. Several rooms are so full of junk that Chris cannot enter them.
What follows is a brief description of the rooms and other areas of 14 Branchland Court.
First floor
In the north corner is what Christian describes as "the music room", which is primarily the domain of Barbara Chandler, who frequently sleeps there. A small bathroom is directly in front of the stairs leading up to the front door. On the other end of a short hallway is the utility room, in which the family keeps a refrigerator in addition to the usual washer and dryer. The family room (possibly in the west corner) had been claimed by the late Bob Chandler, who apparently slept there as well. If Chris's parents ever had, or used, dedicated bedrooms in the house, they have yet to be filmed.
Second floor
Chris's room is in the north corner of the second floor. Across the hallway, near the east corner, is a filthy bathroom, which apparently has not been cleaned in years, as implied by the layers of dark brown/green mold growing in the shower and the peeling of the veneer on the cabinetry. The kitchen and dining area are apparently near the southern corner and southwestern wall. The computer Chris uses for Internet access seems to be in this part of the house, as is a Christmas tree left up year-round. Tellingly, Chris has actually photographed himself with Officer Nasty and dildos in the kitchen, and has even mass debated over a webcam feed. This implies that Snorlax (and Bob, when he was still with us) never actually leave the areas in which they sleep and spend their days there, leaving Chris free to do whatever he wants undisturbed. The living room, packed with boxes and shit, is across the stairway from Chris's room.
Yard
The Chandlers' yard consists of some simple crossed wood planters near the curb and some small shrubs and trees out front. The plants in the planters have long since died. The backyard contains a shed and a small platform leading to a back entrance. The shed is full of shit, most notably a car, and was once the place where Bob would tinker with machines. After that, there are some trees and the pen where Patti once played. Her 5-10 ton doghouse still stands, and she is buried nearby. At some point, a tree branch fell on the grave. Being lazy, Chris cannot summon the strength to pick the damn thing up.
However, in earlier pictures (when Chris was less huge and he had yet to start his Love Quest), we can see that the yard used to be quite lush and beautiful, with a variety of flowers planted around the area, the grass clipped, and healthy trees. Many people speculate that over the years, Chris's parents have gotten too old or too lazy to care for their garden, leaving the area neglected.
As of February 2012, the yard has been completely obscured by trash, junked cars, and God knows what else. From the street one could barely stand the smell and only the bravest of Ruckersville's citizens dare to venture past.
| “ | Hand-Written and Hand-Drawn Submissions are also accepted, ONLY addressed to: Christian Weston Chandler 14 Branchland Ct. Ruckersville, VA 22968. ALL letters addressed to any NAME other than "Christian Weston Chandler" or "Christopher Weston Chandler", will be Immediately disposed of with Paper Recyling, or be "Returned to Sender" with a frown face on it. ALL Visually Grotesque, Shocking and Offensive art works and letters will be disposed of properly as well. | ” |
| CWCipedia copyright page | ||
If you would like to send a letter to Christian, or perhaps mail his mother some of the many NOODZ he has posted on the Internets in recent times, you can contact him at:
- Christian Weston Chandler,
- 14 Branchland Court,
- Ruckersville, VA 22968-9545,
- United States of America
NOTE:
- Based on previous experience with mail, it is likely that one of two things will happen to the letter should you choose to send it: 1.) It will be intercepted by Chris, who apparently takes his parents' (now that Bob kicked it, his mother's) mail on a regular basis, or 2.) Barbara will receive it, and dismiss it as old news (reports show that his parents have read some of the letters and ignored them).
Chris will respond to fan mail, provided there's a return address on the envelope.
Visiting
Visits to 14 Branchland Court, at least until Chris inherits the house and promptly trades the deed to a troll for some magic beans so said troll can found the "Christian Weston Chandler Museum of Fail", are ill-advised. While a troll who does manage to make it to the front door will probably not be assaulted by Chris, they will most likely face Chris as he calls for his elderly mother to fight his battle or perform a Curse-ye-ha-me-ha.
To date, Chris has extended personalized invitations to Clyde Cash, Liquid Chris, the staff of Asperpedia, and pretty much anybody that has ever thought ill of Chris to come to his house, so that he might murder them. To date, none of them has taken him up on his offer. The scenario of such a meeting would likely be reminiscent of the hooker incident, wherein the police would be promptly summoned whilst Chris hides, crying, behind his mother.
Trolls attempted to get the house featured on the A&E show "Hoarders" by emailing the show's producers. They made a number of attempts to get in contact with the Chandlers but had no success.[5]
Chris and his address
Giving away one's home address on the Internet is generally considered unwise. Possibly Chris didn't realize this, or perhaps he realizes that trolls have so thoroughly and permanently violated his privacy that attempting to preserve it is a lost cause. In any case, he has publicly announced his home address on a number of occasions, in YouTube videos and elsewhere.
- Shortly after 21 July 2009, when CChanSonichuCWC released a video promoting his Sonichu merchandise, Chris posted his address in a YouTube comment in hopes of a physical confrontation with the "impostor".
- On 14 August 2009, in the video "NO D*** WAY, IMPOSTOR!!!", Chris rattled off his address as a way of attempting to prove his identity.
- He did the same thing in his CWC Public Disclaimer, also released on 14 August 2009.
- On 23 November 2009, in the Sonichu Presentation, Chris provided his address (as well as his home and mobile phone numbers) in hopes of attracting investment in his comic book characters.
- On 15 January 2010, Chris released a video where he summoned the creators of the Asperpedia to his home address for a confrontation.
- On 27 August 2010, Chris gave out his address and phone number in a YouTube video seeking to organize a high school reunion. In the same video, he warned viewers to be careful with their personal information on the Internet, taking his anti-grasp of irony to incredible new levels.
- Chris has published his address on his websites at various times. It was available at the bottom of the main page on the CWCipedia for most of the time Chris used the site.
