Kick the Autistic
Kick the Autistic is a game that consists of doing anything Chris doesn't like. He alleges it is America's favorite, owing to the frequency of his antagonists playing it.
Variations
There are many known variations of the game, and below are the most successful.
Artistic Style
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris also competes, and beat him. This is generally easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by his fellow students and that no-good Adam Stackhouse. Beware: Chris may get grumpy and shoot at your photograph, or beat you up in Soul Calibur.
Chris Style
Set yourself up as one of the most visible and recognized representatives of autism within internet culture. Act like an entitled child and develop horrifying perversions, which you discuss freely on YouTube. Give other autistic people as well as those with Asperger's Syndrome (which he hates) a bad reputation by association. There is a 100% chance this will result in them trolling you.
Blanca Style
Pretend to be a boyfriend-free girl. Take the time to befriend Chris, until he trusts you. Once that happens, get him to send you something of value to him, and record yourself destroying it.
Jimmy Hill Style
If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's own plagiarized comics. Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized, and he will throw a fit and "take legal action against you if not removed by 14 days."
Sweetheart Style
Pretend to befriend Chris, known for being of the completely clueless type and willing to trust anyone who claims to have a china. Then, when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something amusing. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him recycling. Once this happens, put the goods up on Encyclopedia Dramatica, and sit back as you watch them get their Laughs Under Lucricities.
Pickleman Style
Go to Virginia and somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle costume. He will be bewildered by it, and powerless to act.
Miscreant Style
Set events in motion that will keep Chris from ever getting laid. Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for clouding up his judgement. As an added "fuck you," send an impostor The True and Honest Christian Weston Chandler to swipe his sweetheart.
Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity...or reincarnated as a pickle...whichever. The current champion of this style is Chris himself.
Liquid Style
Pretend that you are the Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu, the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on YouTube detailing your many encounters with Clyde Cash and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours. Bonus points if you purchase ad space on the CWCipedia.
Alec Benson Leary of Asperchu has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect.
Michael Snyder Style
Give Chris the banhammer, thus preventing him from going to an establishment, for no good reason other than sheer hatred for autistic people. Patiently wait until he tries to come back to his rightful place, and then rub your legs on his car's bumper in order to fake injury. Sue Chris for damages and bribe whoever needs to be bribed; once this is done, you'll be rolling in the dough.
God Style
Refuse to bail out the one and only Autistic Hero and center of your universe, Christian Weston Chandler of Ruckersville, VA whenever he hits parked cars, trespasses on private property, vandalizes store displays, or maces GameStop employees. Grant prayers to people with concerns that aren't half as important as winning glorious victory over the Trolls and Cyber-Bullies. Finally, refuse to step in when your Autistic Hero accidentally sets fire to his home.
Gal-Pal Style
Reveal that you were just friends with him out of pity. Then, when Chris throws a tantrum about it, turn that pity into laughter by linking to one of his videos for all of his former gal-pals to see just how far he's fallen since they've last seen him. Then, when the Catherine saga is coming to a close, reveal yourself as the fabricating troll mastermind behind both the admitting of befriending Chris out of pity, and the saga itself.
Sega Style
Push your biggest fan's buttons by changing the arm color of your main hero from tan to blue in your latest Sonic game. Watch as Chris gets blangry and declares war on your franchise. Crack open a cold one as this leads to Chris pepper-spraying a JERK for trying to stop him, and winding up in jail. Proceed with your evil wrongdoings as this leads to Chris sending out threats of glitterbombing.
Sonic Style
Make fun of your biggest fan by requiring Sonichu to have blue arms to be in the next Sonic Boom game.
Literally
Examples of literally kicking the autistic include: The teachers at Nathanael Greene Elementary School (allegedly), Jerkops (probably exaggerated) and TJ from GAMe PLACe (almost).
Chris has never experienced any substantial physical pain in his entire life that we know of. No broken bones or bare knuckle fights. His parents never raised a hand against him. There is also no record of him being grounded, or punished in any significant way even after he was caught masturbating in the kitchen. The only citation provided by Chris of physical pain whatsoever is an anecdotal story about the time that Sarah Nicole Hammer tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell and skinned his knee, vowing never to roller skate again.
Because Chris has never been through the "school of hard knocks" (even running away if a confrontation seems imminent,) he seems pretty confident that he can tell anyone anything he wants without fear of consequence. On 28 October 2011, Chris committed crimes which could have seen him end up in jail, where inmates don't take kindly to temper tantrums. Fortunately for him, he evaded this fate, but unfortunately for him, he might not be as lucky if he's sentenced for a later offense he committed.
Uses by Chris
Recorded examples of this particular CWC-ism include the following:
- In the e-mail he sent to Sony after losing Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, Chris blamed his failure on "AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC!'"
- At the same time, in his first PSN blog entry cursing Adam Stackhouse, he bitched and mixed his metaphors about how "I have been the dog in America's favorite game, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC' for my whole life."
- After finding out that Panda was a troll during Vivitheg's AIM chat, Chris whined, "And so, the world continues to play the world's favorite game of 'Kick the Autistic'."
- Addressing Encyclopedia Dramatica users on 21 January 2008, Chris wrote "And if you have so much free time to play the cruelest game of "KICK THE AUTISTIC", then you CAN and SHOULD put the time to better use; volunteer for a social chore; take up the culture in tasteful art; go out and socialize."
- A variation was used in Chris's second version of Ok2bgay, with Chris opening the video with the words "Merry Kickmas".
See also
- Jerkop
- Reggie Fils-Aimé - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
- Trolls