Mia Hamm

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Mia Hamm after reading this article.

Mia Hamm (born approx. 1987-1988 or 1991-1992) is the pseudonym of the woman with whom Chris finally completed his Fuck Quest and relieved his status as a virgin with rage. Named after the former soccer player of the same name, she is a hooker whom Chris found on "the backpage," referring to Backpage.com, a classified ads website with a sizable "adult" section. Chris paid for an hour with her, which cost him $150 of his tugboat. He had sex with her twice, once in April 2012, and again the following month. He chose to have intercourse with her despite his previous statements that he would not hire a prostitute because it would render the act of sex meaningless. He did this because he was afraid of going to jail for an incident that took place in October 2011, though prostitution is also illegal in Virginia.

The details about Mia were revealed publicly in a text document Chris emailed Renee. The document was originally sent to an unidentified individual who provided Chris with Mia's Backpage ad.

Description

Chris describes Mia as a black-haired, blue-eyed woman of 24, although her ad claimed she was 20. She has an "average" figure with C-cup breasts. Her personality is described as "nice, likeable, and down to earth." She has piercings on her lip, tongue, and nipples. She is half-Cherokee as well, which Chris enjoyed. Mia has two daughters to a man who abandoned her. Given her young age and the fact that Chris states that she had them "years ago," this could possibly mean that Mia was a teenage mother. The girls stay with their grandmother. Mia travels from town-to-town and is attempting to get an education to give herself and her daughters a better future, and told Chris that her escort service is just "a quick spot of cash for her." Mia appears to have since quit the escort business, as she took her ad down on May 27, five days after her last known posting and no subsequent ads by her can be found. The title of her last ad read "Just arrived MIA Hamm¡¡¡¡§pec@ils all day & night - 20," and it included a picture. However, the ad itself is unfortunately irretrievable so its contents are unknown.

Chris's account of their meeting

Chris bragging about how he paid for sex.

After finding her on Backpage, Chris arrived at the inn Mia was staying at at around 4:30 PM. Right away, Chris could tell that Mia had been smoking weed, and that made him uncomfortable. He calmed down, however, after applying some hand sanitizer. They stripped for each other, and "communicated good throughout." At Mia's insistence, Chris wore a green-apple-flavored condom. She applied it to him with her mouth, and then began to give him a blowjob. Chris enjoyed it, and states that her tongue piercing added to the pleasure of the experience. Afterward, she laid beside Chris on the bed and they began feeling each other up. Chris described her china as feeling "really good," and he found her clitoris though Mia did not allow him to finger her. They began making out (without tongues), and then Chris gave her a massage that he also gives Barb, which she enjoyed. Then, Chris informed her that he was ready for hanky-panky. He "requested Cowgirl, with possible missionary later," though this did not happen.

“	Her pelvic thrusts were amazing; her pussy was tight, even after pushing two daughters out of there years ago. And I supported her thrusts with my hands on her knees, weaving back and forth. I also gave her breasts a good thrusting. I felt her front pelvic bone, which really made the top of the game. She came and I came, but on my coming, it was only half-felt. And the semen that was mostly outside, but a smidge on the outside of the condom, confirmed it.	”
Chris describing his first time

Afterward, Chris washed his duck with a washcloth he had brought with him. They spent the rest of their time conversing, and Chris gave Mia a gift basket, the contents of which are currently unknown. Mia told him a bit about her background, and Chris talked to her about the trolls. He also talked to her about Family Guy and South Park before her clock chimed, indicating that her next appointment was arriving. Chris promised that he would call her later, which he did at around 6:30. Mia had already finished with her next client, and told Chris that he was a disappointment to her. She said that the man's penis was smaller than Chris's and that it was a "wiener in a hallway" situation. Very soon after, Chris posted on Facebook that he was no longer a virgin. He taunted trolls with the fact that the only people who would ever know the full story would be himself, Mia (whose alias he did not mention), the person who put him in contact with her, and his future sweetheart. Apparently, Chris sees no problem with telling a girlfriend that he had his first sexual encounter with a prostitute, and expects them to be completely okay with this. Chris saw her again the following month, though the details of their second encounter are unknown. Mia appears to have left the escort business very soon after her second meeting with Chris, meaning that he would have been one of her last clients. One can only speculate on whether having to sleep with a foul-smelling, overweight autistic manchild with a bent penis on a somewhat regular basis caused Mia to reevaluate her career choices.

Fantasy vs. Reality

Given what we know about Chris, there is a strong possibility that this is not the TRUE and HONEST version of what happened. Chris paints himself as being unrealistically competent at sex for a virgin whose only prior knowledge of it comes from pornography. Additionally, Chris describes the incident as going off without a hitch, which is highly unlikely for a number of reasons, the most obvious of which is his horrifically bent duck. It is highly likely that Chris is omitting unflattering details or making up flattering ones to make himself look better. Chris's notion that Mia enjoyed the experience probably stems from the fact that prostitutes often pay their johns compliments, because it helps them make money to do so. Chris would probably be naïve enough to believe that she was being sincere, or he could just be telling himself that she was in order to serve his already massive ego.

See also

• Hooker incident - Chris's first (and decidedly less pleasant) experience with hookers
• Prostitution
• Kimmi, Officer Nasty, and his PS3- Chris's previous sex partners
• For Julie's Eyes Only- Chris's sex tape