Love Quest

“	I DO NOT KNOW WHY I would expect ANY woman to be Attracted to me, IN PUBLIC...	”
Chris, in a sudden moment of clarity.

“	... except for the fact that I am Handsome	”
You know what? Fuck it.

How Chris views himself.

The Love Quest (or Sweetheart Search) is the ongoing, real life saga of Christian Weston Chandler to obtain a girlfriend. The stated purpose of the Love Quest (or "sweetheart search") is to meet the person who will be his true love and will solve all his problems and give birth to his children. However, Chris believes all of this will be assured upon his first successful sexual intercourse with a woman, and so for all practical purposes the true goal is to lose his virginity.

Chris is known to have had crushes on girls prior to 2002, but the Love Quest represents a focused effort to do everything in his power to achieve romantic fulfillment. He has often linked the Love Quest with what he claims to be visions from GodJesus commanding him to father a daughter, as well as his desire to prove that he is straight; at times these seem to be the only actual reasons Chris wants a lover.

Origins

Background

Spell cards don't work IRL, Chris.

The catalyst for the Love Quest was Christian's encounter with Sarah Hammer during his move back to Ruckersville, and enrollment at the Piedmont Virginia Community College. This occurred somewhere between June 2000 and October 2003.

Sarah is presumably the first woman to tell the ever-naïve Christian, "I have a boyfriend." Chris unexpectedly learned that his childhood gal pal was romantically involved with Wes Iseli.^[1] Upon making this discovery, he quickly developed an intense jealousy of Wes and resentment towards him that would set his state of mind for the impending Quest.

Throughout 2003 Chris passively expressed his mix of longing and disappointment by way of Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares and BFF's (Best Friends Forever). It is clear that Chris had at some point decided Sarah was supposed to be his soulmate, although perhaps not until he learned she was unavailable, and had difficulty accepting that this would not be a possibility. In 2005, following Sarah's breakup with Wes and hookup with William Spicer, he dealt with the situation more openly and publicly in Sonichu 2. (This acceptance perhaps stemmed from his turn to a new object of infatuation - see the Megan section below.)

Epiphany

According to Chris, the genesis of the Love Quest was on his twenty-first birthday, 24 February 2003.^[2] On this date, he was kicked out of his college English class after a dispute with his teacher. (In his Wikipedia biography, Chris claimed the teacher ejected him simply on account of his autism, but on his date with Emily, he admitted that autism had nothing to do with it - he was in fact kicked out for delivering an angry tirade about homos^{[citation needed]}.) While waiting for his next class, Chris sat and cried his eyes out, realizing there was no one to comfort him like when he cried at his graduation. Shortly thereafter he resolved that he needed a girlfriend.^[3]

Presumably the connection between these events is that Chris felt hurt and ostracized by his punishment, leading him to recognize his need for someone who would appreciate him unconditionally. However, Chris further states that the Love Quest officially began in August 2003^[4], suggesting that he waited six months to actually execute his plans out of sheer laziness.

The Salad Days

At some point early on in the Quest, Chris developed an intense, socially crippling fear that all women have boyfriends. Since his autism causes him to approach social tasks in the bluntest manner possible, it can be assumed that his initial approach was to walk up to women cold and frankly ask if they would go out with him. It may be further inferred that Chris's unrelenting persistence made it extremely difficult for a woman he liked to get rid of him, short of claiming to have a boyfriend. In any case, Chris quickly lost nearly all of his confidence in talking to women and developed an irrational hatred of boyfriends, or "JERKS" (i.e., all men everywhere except himself and his father). Since this time, he has always specified that his potential girlfriend must be a boyfriend-free girl (sometimes "single, boyfriend-free girl"), as if this were not already obvious.

Conflicts with Mary Lee Walsh

Miscellaneous items used during the Love Quest. Or as the Commonwealth of Virginia will eventually call it, Exhibit A.

Back of a Sonichu Business Card

Main article: Mary Lee Walsh

By October 2003, Chris had put into practice what was "the only sensible idea I could come up with that was inexpensive": sitting on the PVCC campus holding a sign that read 'I am a 21-Year Old Male, seeking an 18-21-Year Old Single Female Companion.' This would be the first of many versions of the Attraction Sign, a vital tool in the Love Quest for several years to come.

Sometime during October, the school's Dean of Student Services, Mary Lee Walsh, confronted Chris and confiscated his sign. According to Chris's recollection of the event:

“	Then in Mid-October, the Quote/Unquote "Dean of Student Services", Mary Lee Walsh, approached me and pulled my sign away from me and told me, "You're NOT ALLOWED TO FIND TRUE LOVE HERE." MY HEART WAS SHATTERED that very moment.	”
CWC's Wikipedia biography, 03 May 2009

What is far more likely to have occurred is this: Walsh probably decided Chris was making a nuisance of himself and asked him what he thought he was doing; Chris probably delivered a big confusing monologue (possibly with a song and dance) about seeking true love; and Walsh then likely dismissed the substance of Chris's response with "You can't do that here." Walsh's point of contention was undoubtedly just the sign, but over the years Chris has demonized her into a brutal harpy whose sole mission in life is to cockblock him.

Undaunted, Chris simply made a new sign, and a few weeks later Walsh confronted him again. In late January 2004, Chris revised his strategy, leaving copies of the Sonichu's News Dash! newsletter strewn about the campus, each one containing a single "personals ad" about himself. By February, Walsh had cracked down on Chris again, banning distribution of the News Dash.^[5] In Chris's own words:

“	Then that B-Dog ripped up my notes and all, dragged me to her quarters and talked down to me very RUDELY AND HOARSELY. I reacted with my own attack that she had been asking for the whole time. I was kicked out of PVCC for a year, and I had to take an anger management course and see a psychiatrist for a while.	”
CWC's Wikipedia biography, 03 May 2009

The extent of the "attack" Chris made against Walsh, whether it was physical or just a Curse-ye-ha-me-ha, is unknown, although it would have had to have been something pretty serious to get him suspended from PVCC and forced to undergo counseling. The timing of the incident is also unclear, since Chris has cited 16 September 2004 as the date of his suspension.^[6]

Conflicts with Jerkops

By August 2004, Chris had expanded his quest to other Attraction Locations besides PVCC, such as Charlottesville Fashion Square. It was here that he attempted a new tactic, inspired by Excel Saga: laying a Red String of Fate across the mall floor. This inevitably led to a confrontation with mall security, making this Chris's first recorded encounter with the Jerkops.^[7]

By September Chris had somehow learned that loitering in public places with a sign advertising his services as a boyfriend made it look like he was "trying to sell myself like a new car," but he still managed to miss the point and believe this was something he could work to his advantage. He continued to have confrontations with mall security until 11 September 2004, when he was arrested, handcuffed, and forbidden from entering the mall without one of his parents. With both of his Attraction Locations denied to him, Chris became more lonely and depressed than usual. In his diary he expressed an interest in asking "Santa Clause" for a girlfriend. According to emails leaked by Jackie, Chris was completely serious and believed in Santa until he was 24.^[8]

Anna McLerran

Too bad she's a lesbian.

Main article: The Tale Of The Crazy Pacer

At some point in 2004 Chris had expanded his activities in the mall, including:

Pacing around a lot, playing videos on his Game Boy Advance
Shouting at walls, or "singing random songs from memory now and then"

He was apparently infamous to Anna McLerran and her friends by the time he finally worked up the nerve to enter the store where Anna worked to strike up a conversation with her. Anna handled herself as politely as she could while having zero interest in this idiot's pathetic romantic overtures, and apparently convinced him that she was off the market.

Despite becoming one of Chris's closest friends, Anna would later document the 2004 incident in a 2006 blog entry, confirming that, despite whatever good qualities she sees in Chris, deep down she knows he's a few hedgehogs short of a Chaotic Combo.

Hanna

On 29 March 2005 Chris (who had somehow regained full access to the mall) momentarily believed his prayers had been answered when he was approached by Hanna, a girl who worked at the local Starbucks. She invited Chris to have coffee with her. Chris quickly overreacted to this sudden reversal of fortune, calling his mother and showing Hanna his entire Sonichu Scrapbook.

Anna McLerran later informed Chris that Hanna was simply trolling him for the lulz. In shock, Chris confronted Hanna and, when she admitted the truth, ran away screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!", exactly like they do in movies. The entire incident was a crippling blow to Chris's self-esteem and the kind of thing that would be embarrassing for anyone. Subsequently, Chris dramatized the whole story in one of his comics, where he was able to get the last word in exactly the way he could not in real life.

Conflicts with Manajerks

Around June 2005, with the mall becoming a more difficult place to pick up chicks, Chris turned to his local Wal-Mart, where he would go to the in-store McDonald's, set up his sign and various nerd amusements, and wait around for hours. On 20 June 2005 Chris was confronted by the men he identified as B-Manajerk and Merried Seinor Comic, who took issue with his sign and called the police on him. Chris hid the sign, effectively avoiding criminal charges, but he was banned from the McDonald's. He interpreted this to mean he was not banned from the Wal-Mart, however.

On 22 June Chris again came into conflict with the B-Manajerk over his Pixelblock sculptures, and the conflict drew the attention of the W-M-Manajerk. According to Chris, the Wal-Mart manager attempted to reason with him...

“	But I sat silent for a minute, then I said to him, “I do not speek [sic] to any Man other than myself, because they all have taken all the pretty girls leaving me with none.” Verbal Combat had started, and during the fight, I ran off, still giving verbal punishment, as well as da finger, and many “Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Has.” I nearly backed up onto him with my car, and I gave him another finger. Then I dashed off.	”
CWC's Diary, 22 June 2005

In July, Chris relocated to the newly-opened Charlottesville Target, where he quickly found himself in trouble for loitering once again. Chris refused to leave at first. When store employees returned with police officers (including Bagget), Chris offered to leave if they would listen to a prepared speech. According to Chris's account of the incident, five men then jumped on him and hogtied him without provocation; in reality, it's more likely that they saw he would not surrender and tried to arrest him peacefully, and he resisted to the point that they had to completely subdue him out of fear of his tard rage.

In the dramatization of these events in Sonichu 4, the cops need nothing short of a giant robot to capture Chris, and his twin sister rescues him so that they can destroy the Jerkops' entire operation, which of course is commanded by Mary Lee Walsh from PVCC.

Chris has said that he was eventually cleared of all criminal charges related to the dispute at Target. It was apparently at this point that his mother, in a dazzling display of parental guidance, informed him about two years too late that the Attraction Sign made him look retarded.

Megan Schroeder

Boyfriend-free no more!

Chris met Megan Schroeder in the summer of 2005 and was immediately attracted by such qualities as her gender, her lack of a boyfriend and her willingness to talk to him for more than five minutes (although she compliments him for tolerating her). In Chris's mind Megan was already destined to be his sweetheart, and the only thing left to do was convince Megan to accept this truth. The Love Quest was effectively on hold from this time until March 2008. All of Chris's writings during this time demonstrate that he believed he was already in a monogamous relationship with Megan and further Sweetheart Searching was largely unnecessary.

Aside from Megan's complete disinterest in romance with Chris, the relationship suffered other stumbling blocks, such as Megan's discomfort at Chris showering her with gifts; Megan's outrage over Chris's sexual harassment, hatred of men, and rampant homophobia; Megan's unwillingness to share a hypothetical hotel room with Chris; and Megan's discovery that Chris had to draw himself fingerbanging her to suppress his fantasies of assaulting and raping her. Even though she reacted as any normal human being would in the same situation, he was still shocked that she "broke up" with him and thought that all he had to do was say "I'm sorry" as much as possible.

Encyclopedia Dramatica did not ruin Chris's relationship with Megan, but Chris's obsession with defeating ED definitely did, since his attempt to blow ED's mind by posting his Rule 34 drawings caused her to discover what a deranged individual he truly is and break off all contact with him. Chris totally missed the point about the fingerbanging picture, believing that its continued presence on ED was the issue, and not the fact that he drew it in the first place. This contributed to his drive to shut the site down for much of 2008, until people on the internet figured out the simplest way to troll him...

Internet Love Quest

Artist's depiction.

After becoming an infamous lolcow thanks to his edit war with ED, Chris began to receive unexpected attention from attractive single women who loved his comics and totally weren't just looking to troll him. Since then, Chris has taken his Love Quest onto the internet, proclaiming that his true and honest sweetheart is whichever girl he's managed to pin down. He has even attempted appealing to Yahoo answers on how a 'lonesome fella' can attract a boyfriend-free-girl, going as far as mentioning his previous tactics and even asking his answerer to be his sweetheart.

With each sweetheart he meets Chris follows a predictable pattern, demonstrating what he had always intended to do with any woman he met in real life. He begins with a series of proclamations of his TRUE and HONEST love, and then begins planning out how the woman will travel to his home. Chris professes to believe in the rule that sex is out of the question until the third date, but since he expects every romantic encounter to end in total success he makes it clear - in as gentlemanly a fashion as he can manage - that he expects sex at the woman's earliest convenience. Amazingly, as each successive internet gal pal proves to be a troll, Chris becomes more devoted to the next one, to the point that within a month of meeting Ivy online he began planning his marriage to a woman he had never even seen face-to-face.

When addressing the question of why Chris readily takes each new troll at face value, his own mindset must be taken into consideration. Chris's prospects of finding a girl locally are virtually zero, and he knows this. At the same time, the internet seems (from his point of view) to be an endless cavalcade of single, attractive women who are fascinated with him, making it an irresistible resource in his Love Quest. By now Chris is fully aware that each woman he meets online could be a troll, but each time he readily accepts evidence that she is not and dismisses out of hand any suggestion that she is. He does this because he wants to believe she's real; the alternative is to surrender to despair.

Returning to real life

The Internet is so yesterday, Love Quest is always in.

In Chris's final chat with Sarah May from early March 2009, he claimed that he planned to give up looking for a sweetheart online, and return to searching for a girl in local Charlottesville. Trolls everywhere rejoiced, for this could only mean one thing - a return to the fabled Attraction Sign and the days of his exploits against the Jerkops and his other IRL misadventures.

This effort only lasted so long, however. Chris's first attempt at a real-life date, with Emily, ended in tragedy (for him) after the intervention of the Man in the Pickle Suit. During the brief Rollin' and Trollin' era in the early summer of 2009, Chris was allegedly spotted prowling Charlottesville Fashion Square in his Guitar Hero: Metallica tattoo sleeves, but it wasn't long before he gave up and retreated back to the internet.

In late October 2009, after a long hiatus, the sweetheart cycle began again, with the advent of the incredibly disturbing I Love You Kacey. Chris initially found success in his campaign to pry Kacey away from her current boyfriend, Liquid Chris, even managing to meet her in person on multiple occasions. Later, though, the relationship collapsed under the weight of Chris's bizarre and disturbing behavior.

The opening months of 2010 saw Chris land himself in romantic misadventures both in reality and online. He managed to pry himself out of his room for a while and in the process meet a real person, The Wallflower. Like Megan, however, she rebuffed all his attempts at a more-than-friendly relationship, and eventually cut off all contact with him. Meanwhile, one of his online personal ads led to an extended conversation with another potential sweetheart, but Chris tripped over his duck long before he ever got a chance to meet "Jackie" in real life.

Future

The nature of Chris's Love Quest in the future, it seems, will be largely determined not by Chris himself, but by the trolls who choose to manipulate it for their own amusement. Chris himself has grown less and less proactive in this area, particularly as he's been distracted by other pursuits, like protracted feuds with rival cartoonists and mythical disputes with foreign copyright authorities. He has also possibly developed a smidgen of common sense with regard to advertising his potential conquests. While Chris made a few remarks in early 2010 about his latest woman friend, he was careful to keep most of the details to himself...but, ultimately, not careful enough.