Homos
| “ | Homo males are objectionable, VERY objectionable (I hate them!) | ” |
| Chris | ||
Christian Weston Chandler refers to homosexual people almost exclusively by the pejorative term "homos". He doesn't like them very much.
From the very beginning of his internet fame in 2007, his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "STAY STRAIGHT" have been the subject of many lulz and the target of many trolls.
Fear of being a homo
| “ | "Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation." | ” |
| Chris [1] | ||
Chris's homophobia is just that: he is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a penis without being "freaked out," and he has cited several techniques he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women. Chris is also convinced that chances of homosexuality are raised as a direct result of not engaging in heterosexual intercourse before maturation,[2] his retarded Dating Education classes naturally being the reasonable solution to preventing people from becoming homos. His attitude could be explained by one of two possibilities:
- Chris is a heterosexual idiot, so he thinks the slightest thing could turn him gay unless he maintains constant vigilance.
- Chris is a repressed homosexual, so he knows the slightest thing could turn him gay, because he can barely resist the temptation.
We don't yet have enough information to determine which of these is true, and we won't until he kisses a man on the lips (currently scheduled for 2010). Of course we have to consider (because Chris won't) the small point that anyone, gay or straight, man or woman, white or black, would most likely rather clean their genitals with sandpaper than touch Chris.
Hatred of homos
Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability/desire to make him gay (this, despite the fact that women are likely jealous of the fact that men don't have to worry about Chris being attracted to them). He has often characterized the trolls as homos, which is either a basic ad hominem attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on Rosechu must be gay.
Notably, in an IRC chat from 02 January 2009, Chris made this statement:
| “ | if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls" | ” |
| Chris, 02 January 2009, 11:59 | ||
He added that gay men should be incarcerated in co-ed prisons with other female offenders and be provided with access to prostitutes, arguing that they would come out "reprogrammed" into healthy, law-abiding heterosexuals.
On February 18 2009, Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his gal pals and his sweethearts. However, this was mostly done at the insistence of Julie; by March 10 Chris was reciting verses from the Bible to justify his position against homos.
On 14 June 2009, he created a video called Don't Trust Any Homos Over There, which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of Uncle Ruckus's song "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There" from the pilot episode of "The Boondocks."
Later on in the day, he published an apology for the video called "I'm Sorry, Dude", and insisted that he likes gays who "ac—...accomplish other things, like Stephen Fry who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on LittleBigPlanet." This is, of course, displays Chris' ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrator (on things other than LBP), and author of some extremely witty and charming blogs that have a large internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology was only posted for the sake of his gal pal Kim's boyfriend, whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.
Curiously, Chris goes out of his way to state that the children of Sonichu and Rosechu are watched over by Heather Iglesias, whom he characterizes as "a pretty, trustworthy, good natured Spanish Lesbian." He further mentions that Heather keeps her sexuality a secret from the kids at the request of Sonichu himself. It is unknown why Chris mentions this, given that he has vacillated wildly in the past in his feelings on lesbianism, sometimes coming out in support and other times condemning it, or why the character is both Hispanic and a lesbian.
Chris occasionally tries to say he respects homosexuals for who they are. However, he repeatedly betrays his intolerance of different lifestyles, often within the same statement.
| “ | "I personally respect the individual people as fellow human beings, and I am cool with associating with them as acquaintances and friends, but Please Do Not Wave Around what you do behind closed doors around me; NOBODY CARES TO KNOW; I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. Even within my imagination, I Do Not Care to even have the pictures Randomly Pop up in my head." | ” |
| Chris [3] | ||
Because it's OK for him to wave around his degenerate sexuality and showcase real life pictures of his disgusting activities, but god forbid a well-adjusted male adult mention they love other men.
On 8 July, Chris left a comment on a PSN News Post in reference to a Unity avatar:[4]
| Hey, the Street Fighter Tourney is good news, but I have a concern about the person who left the message.
His Avitar… If that icon is WHAT I THINK IT IS, I AM OFFENDED; please change your Avitar, dude. |
On July 26 2009, Chris goes so far as to call gay a synonym for stupid.
In the mailbag section of the CWCipedia, Chris describes at length his idea for his comic self to travel to the future, where scientists have successfully isolated the "homo gene" (an idea stolen from this episode of Family Guy). They have not, however, isolated the "straight gene", and are only able to when Chris donates his own blood (Chris has once remarked that homosexuality could be cured by injecting blood from straight men into homosexuals, or by imprisoning gays in co-ed prisons). Chris intended to bring at least two syringes of the solution back, one for Reldnahc, and the other for emergencies (likely to be used on either himself, Magi-Chan, or Megagi). Thanks to Chris's crippling insecurity about his sexuality, when this storyline finally came to light in Sonichu 10, Chris amended this plan to not only bring back a couple of syringes, but also enough of the "cure" to turn every gay person on Earth straight.
Spoiler: because Chris is straight as a circle (as shown here), the vaccine would fail to work anyway.
Recently, Jack Thaddeus purchased advertisement space on the CWCkipedia to put up two ads on the site. One of them was an ad featuring Peter Griffin of Family Guy, pointing out that he and his creator, Seth MacFarlane, were supportive of gay rights. In retaliation, Chris blew his stack, stating:
| “ | I understand you getting paid to run ads in that box on the Cwcipedia. I feel okay with Vivian's Audiobooks, BUT I feel OFFENDED with the Mexico Contest and Gay-Rights Ads. The Pickle on the Mexico ad reminds me of a terrible time in my past with Pickle-Suited TROLLS, and I AM AGAINST HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLES and FOR STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUALITY.
Please Remove, or Change the Images of, THE TWO ADS. And in the future, if you plan on adding more advertisements, INCLUDING the associated images, Please run them by me in a message for my personal Approval BEFORE you start running the ads. Thank you. |
” |
| Chris, [1] | ||
On Christmas Day, 2009, the Sysop at the CWCipedia added a Twitter onto the webpage. Two days later, Chris saw this and flew into a tizzy, wanting the Twitter off as he didn't want any "homo trolls" talking behind his back.
Evidence that Chris is a homo
| “ | First off, should such images [of men's asses] enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever. | ” |
| Chris admitting he's had homoerotic fantasies, Mailbag 4 | ||
Ironically, the harder Chris tries to convince people he's straight, the more gay he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to Playboy!" every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.
- He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the Vanessa Saga on 16 April 2009, he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose". Although it is quite possible to stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
- Christian argues that the vibrator and anal beads were sent to him as a free gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. However, according to the receipts that were uncovered by trolls, Chris specifically asked for the anal beads as a free gift.
- Chris gets upset that people know he has the vibrator and anal beads, and he gets upset that people think he's gay because he kept the vibrator and anal beads... but he never gets upset that the store sent him the vibrator and anal beads in the first place. You would think that if a troll sent him a dildo he'd be throwing a fit about it on YouTube, but no.
- Chris kept the vibrator around for months.
- In the Chris Sex Logs, Chris shows off a dildo to PandaHalo. He immediately suggests the phallic sex toy is something goes up your butt, and then immediately denies it's been up his butt. He also says having a dildo in your butt "will feel good."
- He collects My Little Pony figures well into early adulthood. 'Nuff said.
- For a straight man, he does guzzle a lot of cum. Likewise, the idea of licking his own semen off of one of his gal-pals sexually arouses him.
- Like many gay men, most of his "friends" were female and he never slept with any of them.
- In a PSN Chat with Julie, Chris admitted that he randomly has images of penises (his own and others he's seen in porn) pop into his head. He also claims to hear voices in his head that say "Christian is gay." Unless Chris is having very specific auditory hallucinations, it's likely he has homoerotic daydreams and freaks out about it. In the same chat he sounded delighted describing the first time he saw semen in a porno movie as a teenager.
- Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would rather be female than gay. It should be noted that 99.9999999999996% of straight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.
- On February 05 2009 Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man. He later issued a retraction which was far less persuasive.
- When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from Max, Chris was given the choice of burning his medallion or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.
- Chris thought a straight woman would be turned on by a closeup picture of his anus.
- He wears a pink belt buckle.
- He owns a set of Anime Wings which are basically hair clips. And hair clips are for women.
- Chris says he is the King of All Cosmos, with the Cosmo being the pink drink originating from San Francisco associated with Sex and the City, and gay men everywhere. Additionally, the namesake Katamari character not only vomits rainbows as a mode of transportation, but wears open-chested shirts and colorful tights that show off his Liefeld-esque MASSIVE AREA.
- His best man at his wedding is Sarah Hammer in drag.
- Axe, frequently used by gay men, is Chris's grooming product of choice.
- He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his visit to a local bar/restaurant, which is a song with large gay following.
- Christian and the Hedgehog Boys features two covers of the Backstreet Boys , one cover of a Britney Spears song and one cover of a Ricky Martin song. This music was popular among 13 year old girls when it was new and is popular among the gay community today.
- Chris sure talks a lot about things "out his ass," such as "lying out [his] ass" when saying "BILLY MAYS IS THE NEW MAYOR OF CWCVILLE."
- He implores men to wear muscle bras because looking at shirtless men makes Chris uncomfortable, possibly arousing latent homosexual urges.
- He saved a homoerotic image to his computer, and then made a series of movies about it.
- When you look up "Homosexuality" in Chris's own web encyclopedia, you literally see his own portrait (as shown on the screencap on the right).
- Note that CWCipedia has a quite lengthy article on Homosexuality, while not even having one on Rosechu.
- In the PS3 History Level video, he showed that he actually owns a copy of Sex and the City: The Movie (which has a huge gay following) when he showcased his then current collection of PS3 games and movies.
- While narrating the Sonichu Powerpoint Chris called PandaHalo his "partner," a term sometimes used by gays and lesbians to refer to the person they're dating.
- In his response to a letter in Mailbag 4 about "impure" homoerotic thoughts, Chris confesses that he "[has] had this problem too," and has to resort to deleting them through a curious process that involves tossing them into a garbage bin inside him, lest the gay gene take its toll.
Defenses against becoming homo
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a Sailor Moon poster which he stares at everyday to stave off his temptations of homosexuality.
Chris also subscribes to Playboy to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five minutes for him to get around to boobies and vaginas.
When homosexual (or potentially homosexual) fans sent Chris questions on the CWCipedia asking for tips to STAY STRAIGHT, Chris tends to offer what essentially amounts to self-brainwashing. Some of his ideas include thinking of naked women and how awesome they are, and imagining being struck by painful lightning whenever a homosexual thought occurs. He also clarifies that one need not buy their own Sailor Moon Poster of Fail: any poster featuring attractive women (preferably in bikinis and looking sexy) will do the trick.
To prevent future homos, he also encourages women to not drink, smoke, or be physically abused while pregnant because he believes this could cause the baby to be born homosexual [citation needed]
In Kill De Jack, Chris reveals another one of his defences against becoming a homo: he covers a section of his "computer" (we can assume that he means "computer screen") with a piece of paper so that he can browse CWCipedia without looking at Jack Thaddeus's ads featuring pictures of homosexual men.
Chris on his alleged homosexuality
- "I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"[5]
- "I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! YOU'RE THE HOMOS! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"[6]
- "I'm straight, don't doubt me!"'[7]
- "Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC CLOSET AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF."'[8]
- "Yep, you heard me. I am...a gaaaaaaaaay...bian."[9]
- "Anyway the, uh--anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all--how y'all understand it."[10]
- "And look at me. Do I look like-- [shakes head in disagreement] No more of those stupid acquisition messages! Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty, SKULLS! I. Am. STRAIGHT!"[11]
Alternatively, you could just read Chris defending his straightness for the umpteenth time on CWCipedia.
Sauces
- ↑ E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *sigh*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Dating_Education
- ↑ http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality
- ↑ http://blog.us.playstation.com/2009/07/attention-fighting-fans-prove-youre-the-best-around/
- ↑ Masturbating and squirtin'
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008
- ↑ PS3 History Level
- ↑ IRC (20 January 2009)
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video
- ↑ I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts
See also
- Chris and sex
- Chris and religion
- Chris Comes Out of the Closet
- Don't Trust Any Homos Over There
- Gay 4 Sonichu
- Gaybian (a "male lesbian", according to Chris)
- It's UGH!
- Rainbow
- Reldnahc Naitsirhc
External links
- CWC(Ian Brandon Anderson) finally admits it
- Chris-Chan is sick of the lies!
- Chris-Chan proves those slanderous trolls wrong