Surfshack Tito E-mails

In March 2010, the troll Surfshack Tito exchanged a series of e-mails with Chris. These were leaked on 18 March 2010, to the amusement of all and sundry. They are reproduced below, with Tito's messages on a red background and Chris's replies on a blue background.

There's not a great deal of genuinely revealing information in the e-mails, although Tito's mockery is good for a chuckle regardless. We do learn, however, that Chris was aware of the Wallflower's obsession with gay fan-fiction, and it apparently didn't bother him (or it didn't bother him enough to deter him from his quest to get laid, anyway).

The e-mails

Subject: I HAVE INFORMATION ON HEATHER, MY FAT LITTLE CUZZIN HEY THERE LITTLE CUZ! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR MY LITTLE SPY! WELL YOU ARE PRETTY DUMB. ANYWAY, NOW THAT I TRICKED YOU I THREW HER INFORMATION TO THE TROLLS. AHAHA! IN DEMAIL YOU SHOULD SEE A PIC OF ME AT THE RIGHT AND YOU'RE BOYFRIEND AT THE LEFT! AS THE ANCIENT HAWAIIANS USED TO SAY. "The coconut is always sweeter on the palm tree you can't reach!" You're friend Tito!

Ah, the ancient method of trolling with all caps.

An image accompanied the above e-mail, a picture of the Wallflower with some big guy who looked Polynesian enough to pass as an IRL Tito. Chris replied with:

Subject: You are NOT even my Acquaintance, Period Fuck Off, you God Damn Troll!!!

I agree. Go away Tito and all the other trolls.

Tito replied:

Sorry little cuz, it wasn't my fault. You leaked her pen name in your Little Big Planet level. I just had to google it and got all her nasty gay porn writings. Have you even read her writings? They're all about men having sex with men. Like the one she wrote about the guys from ghost hunters having sex. It's pretty gay stuff. I'll quote one of her fictions in my next emails. So long, Brudda. As the Ancient Hawaiians Said: "He who carves himself in stone, has rocks in his head."

Well, if he doesn't mind what she writes, you don't have to mention it.

Chris delivered the following reply::

Subject: Re: I See I am fully aware of her Fan Fictions, and I do not judge her by that. I, Christian Weston Chandler, LIKE LESBIANS AND THEIR SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS; that does not make me queer or weird. Aside from the Googling, you surely have had a hand in the creation of that page on the CWCki and the mockery that was typed on said page. [SHE] IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!!

I concur

Tito's response:

YOU SOUND AWFULLY INSECURE LITTLE CUZZES! THE DUDES FROM GHOST HUNTERS BONING EACH OTHER IN THE BUTTHOLES AIN'T LESBIAN, SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU. : ( Uhh i think lesbians are pretty hot myself but a three some of Jaden Yuiki, Yugi Mutou, and Maximillion Pegasus AREN'T quite the hot lesbians your thinking of! AND YOU'RE RIGHT THAT STEVEN KING LADY THING IS BEAUTIFUL! "NIGGA YOU GAY!"

Chris managed a curiously low-key reply:

Subject: ENOUGH! You still have not answered my firm fact that you have created that page on the CWCki.

We apologize for making you see this again. It was necessary.

Tito would not be drawn out, however:

Subject: SMOOTH MOVE LADDIE! :I forgot to mention little cuzin, I have tasted the flesh that was Heather, and it was quite Delicious. She got so moist over my Ancient Hawaiian Saying. "It's time for a dicking." P.S: Nice Undies: http://img682.imageshack.us/img682/4083/undies.png (If you wear something underneath your kilt, it counts as a skirt, dumbass) AS THE ANCIENT HAWAIIANS USED TO SAY: "Smooth Move Bonehead."

After the break I'm gonna soak my arm in kerosene, light it, then fistfuck a goat.

This managed to get Chris's dander up, leading to three e-mails in succession, as well as an attached image of Chris delivering the "fucky finger." Exactly what the "Meet and Greet" Chris refers to might be is uncertain. It could be some sort of event involving the "Young Adult Social Group" through which he met the Wallflower, or Chris could be abusing yet another figure of speech — i.e., he plans to "Meet and Greet" Tito, then log-roll/pocket-knife/whine him to death.

Subject: You are the Bonehead, Crapboardin' Airhead! Watch your back; I WILL FIND YOU! I have connections. And after the Meet and Greet, I will kick your sorry ass and punch your bulbous gut so far up, it shoots out your head right through your skull. I WILL FIND YOU!

Subject: >:( Sit, Spin and Shut the Fuck Up, NIGGER!!! And I WILL call you That RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!!!

Subject: None Dude, YOU are NOT her Boyfriend; Back the Fuck Off, You God Damn Trollin' Stupid Nigger.

At this point, Tito had had enough:

I am sorry it took me so long to reply cause I couldn't stop laughing at this whole "I will kick your sorry ass and punch your bulbous gut" noise. A manchild who claims to have so much strength yet gets tired after humping a console for 1 minute ya lazy sap. You're so lazy you don't even fight your own fights. How am I suppose to be scared of that? All you seem to do is punch cameras & throw Yosemite Sam kinds of tantrums. The only thing that I'm afraid of is being anywhere near the walking Health Hazard that is you. Seriously I don't think you even bathe. I've seen Guys in fucking Burger Joints with Better Complexion than you, and their head first in the grease. Do you even have Hair? I'm glad you embraced your inner homo with that skirt of yours. It's almost as gay as that bra/panty pic you took awhile back that I'm still washing my eyes out with bleach. P,S: cut the child out of Manchild an leave Heather alone. I'm surprised she hasn't filed a restraining order on your naive ass at this point. AS THE ANCIENT HAWAIIANS USED TO SAY: "The seagull that flies a crooked path, has a rough time returning Home."

Chris handed down one final reply:

Subject: DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN! I know Heather is NOT doing anything with you, and she does NOT even KNOW you. You can just go shoot yourself in the head and die, you damned, trolling stupid, pickle-suited NIGGER.

See also

• The Wallflower
• Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails