Sweetheart

From CWCki
(Redirected from Heartsweet)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Kacey: Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"?
Chris: I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.
from Kacey Call 9
A flock of potential sweethearts.

A Sweetheart (sometimes heartsweet) is Chris's flavor-of-the-month.

Definition

Chris's goal is to build a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, lose his dreaded virginity (which he ultimately accomplished without a sweetheart), and spawn his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after "the illustrious metal" and a name similar to his own). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of troll-engineered dates, a trip to a hooker (two in fact), and having sex with his mother. Thus the sweetheart label finds itself frivolously applied, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Chris's Gal-Pals; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts because they are known to Chris and don't appear to hate him.

Chris's ideal vision for a sweetheart is more or less one that allowed him to continue living as a "self-employed" stay-at-home husband/father/son, since he didn't make a significant effort to support a prospective family at any point during his Love Quest aside from briefly applying for a minimum-wage job for Kacey. Based on his frustration at the idea of doing any work whatsoever, it's likely that he wanted someone to effectively mother him rather than an equal partner, who he could also have sex with and impregnate with a kid or two. Chris also seemed to be under the impression that they'd live with his parents and their hoard, who he'd presumably leave his sweetheart-to-be to raise his kids with.

Qualifications

See Also: Sonichu's News Dash and Attraction Sign
It's the one on the left.

In the early years of his Love Quest, Chris spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the News Dash, and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be bent a little, as expedient.

  • 18 - [Chris's age then] Years Old (though not conclusive, as Barb was 79 years old back then)
  • Boyfriend-Free
  • Blonde or Brunette
  • White
  • Pretty
  • Average or Slender Body Type
  • 5' or Taller
  • No Smoking or Drinking
  • Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville Area
  • Has Own Car
  • Average to High Income
  • Happy, Positive, Caring

In other exchanges, Chris established a few more rules:

  • No Children from Previous Relationships[1]
  • No Autism (High-Functioning or Otherwise)[2]

Will Chris ever have a Sweetheart?

Helloooooo, ladies.

Despite an old Trinidadian saying that goes "Every bread has its cheese" (meaning that a special someone is waiting for everybody, no matter how badly off they are), many who have dealt with Chris would be quick to rebut the idea. (However, an argument could be made that Jacob Sockness qualifies.)

However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:

1) Chris refuses to grow up. He is a 42 year old man who plays with children's toys and video games all day and lived with his mother up until age 39 (when authorities separated them due to him committing incest with her). Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment are completely foreign concepts to Chris, and any money he does receive is promptly wasted on stupid shit he doesn't need. Even when this habit sank the Chandler finances into an all-time low, he refused to take responsibility; he instead resorted to e-begging a very large number of times like a child to make up for his failure to put the simplest of money aside for food, bills and medicine. On top of that, he has implied that if he does get married, all he'll do is stay home while his wife goes to work. While stay-at-home husbands/dads are no rarity these days, they are not without responsibilities. He didn't even plan on looking after the kids for her; he'd have dumped this responsibility on his elderly mother. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.

2) Chris has no idea how to behave around women. Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that bother women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and several women have found themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. Chris has many childish mannerisms and social hindrances that are repugnant to women (and men alike); in the infamous video for Ivy, these things are in abundance. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching Gilligan's Island, an ancient show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream "manchild", and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.[3] His transgender identity hasn't helped either - he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which doesn't even make him seem heterosexual anymore (sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was featured on MTV's Failosophy, where the only person who would date him was the gay guy, provided he wasn't joking).

3) Chris is not trustworthy. Chris is known to lie a lot, and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can grievously damage a woman's trust in him. His lack of genuine sympathy towards people has led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without meaning it. On his date with Catherine, he made a point of bragging about learning from his mistakes with Megan shortly before he molested Catherine by hugging her and burying his face in her breasts, after specifically being told not to. Needless to say, had this been a real date, Catherine and "Cousin Al" would've beaten him up or called the cops at this point.

4) Chris is physically unattractive. Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started dressing in feminine attire, Chris always had very questionable tastes in fashion, and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. When first spotted from a distance by Catherine, she believed she was looking at an ugly old woman. The fact that he doesn't take good care of himself also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming clinically obese and nearly bald. If Chris dressed somewhat fashionably, bothered grooming himself properly and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a male escort, his appearance was comparatively rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.

5) Chris has poor hygiene. Chris takes little to no care of his personal hygiene. Chris has been described as having a putrid smell by people who met him in person, such as Emily, Robert Simmons V and other field agents. For a while, Chris used Axe as a substitute for a shower, as implied in an ad for one of his Sonichu comics, seemingly oblivious to the fact that people can still detect his stench through all that deodorant. He also admits to literally shitting his pants on multiple occasions, most recently in 2021 (as far as we know). While his hygiene did seemingly improve during his stay in jail, it's unclear if it lasted, as he has since been described as smelling foul by at least one witness, though another witness in the same vicinity has stated the contrary.

6) Chris has no manners. Chris has difficulties understanding social norms and manners. This is a common trait among autistic folks, though this doesn't mean they are incapable of learning. Most learn early on in their childhood, either through special education, therapy, or their own parents, resources that clearly were never available to Chris. He has a habit of burping and farting in his videos as well as in public. The latter got him banned from a gym after they received numerous complaints from other patrons about Chris' constant flatulence (in addition to the constant harassment from weens). Chris also has no sense of personal boundaries, and has inappropriately touched and kissed people even when they explicitly tell him several times not to do so. He tends to make inappropriate remarks without an understanding for time or place, such as doing his racist Apu impression at an Indian restaurant. His other attempts at humor are cringey at best and downright offensive at worst. He has no problem in addressing a stranger he only interacted with in a professional setting with nicknames normally reserved for sexual partners. Additionally, Chris often tries to drag people he barely knows into his drama in a vain attempt to turn them into a personal army against his perceived enemies. Even after it's made abundantly clear, Chris fails to realize that these strangers have better things to do in their life than be a part of some mentally challenged manchild's petty grudges and childish zealotry. Not only do these attempts fail, but also antagonize said people. It is the very reason why even more progressive and tolerant communities eventually lose their patience with Chris. This point in particular is what caused even genuine friends to throw in the towel on Chris, simply because of how insufferable he is.

7) Chris is ignorant and averse to change. A feature of autism is hostility to and even fear of change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll, especially if it interferes with his immediate interests. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction, as many trolls posing as women have tried to do.

8) Chris has problems with authority. Despite the cliché that "all girls love bad boys", a sensible woman is going to be put off by someone who is in constant trouble with the law. Consider that Chris has on two separate occasions come very close to being sent to jail for several months; this is on top of his other lesser brushes with authority figures. And it's not even as though Chris's attitude stems from him fighting for an important cause - Chris is willing to risk imprisonment for something as petty as the color of an animated character's arms. Even if Chris does find his elusive sweetheart, few will be able to put up with the constant stream of bans, fines, and jail time brought about by Chris's poor self-control.

9) Chris is incompetent. Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be proficient in several of the arts, but in reality is incompetent in pretty much every sphere imaginable. He compares cleaning his house to fighting in a war, and even then, his idea of "cleaning the house" leaves a lot to be desired. One could even argue that it's because of this and his lack of common sense that the aforementioned house eventually burned to the ground, the result of him choosing to brew coffee in his bathroom with an extension cable propped over the door. He has been employed for maybe a few months in his whole life, then was fired, as he proved too egotistical and stubborn to keep even a minimum wage job at a fast food place, and he simply hasn't bothered since. He is completely inept when it comes to managing money, meaning any relationship with him will be a financial nightmare. He gets himself into trouble way more times than he should, such as his attempts to return to The GAMe PLACe, where basic common sense should have told him to stay away like he'd been told. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?

10) Chris's past will always return to haunt him. Thanks to the combined forces of the Internet, weens, and even Chris himself, there are literally volumes of unsavory information about Chris out in the open for all to see, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why he didn't even make it to first base with The Wallflower - a ween emailed her a link to the CWCki. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, many embarrassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.

11) Chris doesn't try. Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one real girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even resorting to a children's book to try to get over his anxiety. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role of the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an attraction sign with ridiculous requirements. Back in the day, even if a girl did express interest, Chris would've been too shy to even talk back to her. He's a little more confident today, but it's hardly done wonders for his chances of scoring - instead, he'll turn her off with a cheesy, ham-fisted attempt at a pickup line that just makes him look incredibly creepy and out-of-touch. If there was such a girl who could and would overcome these barriers, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that still isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. In his entire life, he has barely had any friends, and the few "friends" he had were either hired by his parents to babysit their autistic son because they didn't know how to or were trolls from the very beginning, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend?

12) Chris is economically undesirable. Putting aside all the above-listed flaws, what a potential sweetheart really wants from a man is a responsible adult who has something going for him. For starters, Chris only managed to get an Associate, which he never put to use and has become obsolete years ago, choosing to live off his meager tugboat instead. Chris's only selling point is his art, but even that leaves a lot to be desired. To begin with, his artistic skills are still on the level of an elementary schooler, despite drawing art for most of his life so far. His works, rather than having original ideas, are mostly self-inserts and blatant rip-offs of existing IPs. Additionally, while the content of his drawings are popular with Trolls and Weens, normal people would consider them either oblique or outright disturbing. If a woman were to watch any of Chris' works, she would run for the hills; Megan and the Gal-Pals already had. Had Chris actually utilized his full artistic potential, put the effort into his art, and invented original works, he could've made for a fine freelance artist and even scored among a Sweetheart. Instead, Chris has chosen to waste away the rest of his life, lost in his delusions.

Throughout human history, women are psychologically inclined to mate with men who have the most resources, both material and financial ones. Nowadays, as women can go study, work and make money on their own, they are no longer reliant on men as providers. Nonetheless, the archaic pattern remains and even in modern day society, women will go for men on the same, even higher level of their education and income, such as Doctors, Surgeons, Lawyers, Engineers, IT, or any mid to high level employee. Unlike the 80's or the era his decrepit old parent's come from, women are not going to settle down with a greasy, middle-aged shut-in who lives off welfare anymore, much less have children with him.

Ultimately, Chris' social and financial status will inevitably keep him from ever catching that one fish out there.

Present situation

This is what Chris's break-ups are like.

In July 2015,[4] the CWCki originally concluded that no person - male, female or other - would likely find him attractive, but there was still a small window of opportunity for Chris to improve his chances of enticing a sweetheart, with a major lifestyle overhaul and some serious self-betterment.

Unfortunately, that window of opportunity has closed: in addition to all the reasons listed above, Chris has given up on reality with the Dimensional Merge. What little remained of his chances of attracting a sweetheart disappeared in 2018, when Chris ended his Love Quest by marrying some of his imaginary OCs, and then declined an offer of a date with a female fan cosplaying as him because of his imaginary marriage.

Even more unfortunately, that window of opportunity had not closed as we once thought it did. in late July 2021, the incest call was leaked, and the grim truth of Chris's love-life came to the surface. Called "the 9/11 of the internet" by some, it turned out that Chris had been in a sexual relationship with his mother since at least June of that year. This event adds one last reason for why the chances of Chris getting a sweetheart enormously low: nobody wants to date a literal motherfucker. While there's now another potential contender for this role, it seems less and less likely that she will actually take up the mantle.

References

See also

The CWC-tionary

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Darling | Dating education | Friend Zone | Gal-pal | Heart Level | Homos | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | SLGBTQ | Sweetheart | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | JULAY | Mass debating | Negligent | Pedofork | Pickle | Recycling | Soul Bonding | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Christian Love Day | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fuzzy-Wuzzies & Prickly-Wicklies | Honest Content | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Random-access humor | Saga | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl |

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | GOPony | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

Fantasies: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | Dimension | Fangs | Godjesus | Iron Curtain | OC | Un-clit

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis | Parody | Rosechu | Sonichu | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt


See also: Chris and English | List of phrases Chris copied from media