Catherine E-mails

Strap-on details

These two emails from Chris were sent after they had known each other for about a month, approximately 20 September 2014. The exact dates are unknown.

Hey, Love! I am still thinking ahead for the sex time, when we get there. No hurry. I'm feeling a bit nervous about it. I have mentioned before I had an idea for keeping my penis and testicles hidden when we would be tribbing; I made a sort of early prototype of a strap-on (I would wear my belt to keep it on) that pushes my parts into my body and hold them there in place. My initial design didn't quite work out during testing; it kept flipping around, the testicles kept dropping out. I was under a misunderstanding of the direction the penis popped out from. It apparently was more vertical than horizontal. I need to examine myself further on that. I later recalled the strap-ons offered for the optional dildo, so I checked on adameve.com. I see a few possible products that might keep my parts pushed in, but I would have to order one later one and figure that for myself. It's not immediately important; as a soulful lesbian, for my own identity and ability, I want to be able to perform a tribadism the best I would be able to (and keeping the protrusive parts out of the way too). If this topic bothers or offends you, please let me know, and I will not bring it up again. Thank You, Love, for listening. <3 Stay Safe and Well with Peace, Christian W. Chandler.

I still have not tried the strap-on part, but I definitely confirmed for myself that anal play (at least by myself) is no good for me. Years ago, I had a small vibrating dildo, and one time, I put it up my behind with it turned on. Seriously, it did nothing for me. Now fast forward to tonight: I had the idea of using the new one that came with the strap on to try to get the washcloth up there to clean the crap out; that idea failed. Then I got an impulse to shove it up there in the tub with the water; it went in easier, but it was either hitting my bladder or prostate; it was without a doubt more painful than anything pleasurable to me. My impulse conned me into shoving it up there four times in different ways; all the while still more painful. It did not get any stains on it. I felt off-balance after getting out of the tub and drying myself. It was about 3/4 inch longer than my erect part. I put the thing in the dresser drawer with my deflated woman sex doll; I had not used it in months. The non-living things doesn't cut it for me as they had years ago (the women sex dolls). That's another lesson learned for myself. Thank you for listening, my Loving Heartthrob. <3 Stay Safe and Well with Peace, Christian W. Chandler.

Endgame

The following e-mails cover the days after Catherine told Chris she didn't want to be in a relationship. They were leaked on the CWCki Forums on 15 December 2014.

Thanks a lump

9 December 2014 Thanks a lump I am seriously feeling like since "not in a relationship" was said about five PM, I was dangling at the end of a rope. And afterwards, slowly falling into a fiery depth, my heart melting and drifting back into sadness, much like the melting Lego pieces in that fire last January. Now, I am at the ice cold bottom, and the melted heart is now a depressed hard lump of melted loss in being dumped. I feel like I should not speak with you for a while; I am depressed and my heart aches bad. You lack appreciation for the hard work and effort I had put into US!!! Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Christian W. Chandler

Learn from Care Bears or Something

12 December 2014, 6:25 Learn from Care Bears or Something Well, I am still feeling heartache and low, so I am not sure at the moment. And I am going to try to catch up on a bunch of sleep I've lost more recently, due to this depression. I mean, I had done a LOT for our relationship, look at the second DVD, I cited my own vows for you, and That was a Most Recent recording. I poured out my Heart and Soul for you in most of everything I had done for you. And I Have Learned from that overreaction of mine with Colin. I did ALL of that And the Bonus Round (interpret that how you will). I withheld being clingy and touchy for the most part. And then you up right and end it. Left me spiraling AGAIN. My mother even theorized, from her experiences and observations of manipulative and bad people, you went out with me in attempt of a free house to crash in. I personally prefer to see the good in people! Yet the trolls have terrified and frightened me to a great point of paranoia. And my mother is Not going to be around forever, and I still have difficulty meeting other people by myself, especially when I am Depressed. And this type of depression, sadly, is an emotional state I had gotten used to since after moving back to Ruckersville, and in and out between past relationships, Theoretical And Real. Alone, I am constantly LOST in mind and path, even after trying religion. I Needed You, Catherine. You Had filled in the void that allowed me to feel at my Better to Best more often, on the better path. Killing the relationship, it Killed Me and My Heart and Soul ALL OVER AGAIN after countless times of them both being Broken, Beaten and Scarred beyond belief and back from Hell. Then again, how do I know better? I am 32 years old and some wise and educated. My mind is drifting away slowly with age. I guess YOU have More Answers to Life, Love, Health and Self-Happiness and Esteem than I could ever have. I don't know anymore. My heart aches bad to allow me to think better. My feelings and emotions might be better understood if instead of learning about the tortures of King Henry Tudor VIII, learned was the Caring, Compassion and Empathy from the classic Care Bears (shows). Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Christian W. Chandler

Just Friends

Catherine replied:

12 December 2014, 5:27 RE: Learn from Care Bears or something Just because I don't want to be your girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want to see you happy. I've been saying we're gal pals for a while now and you were always okay with it. It's wonderful when you go out to the lgbt events and when you got to go to the Halloween party and all. I just don't understand what's made you so upset here.

Empathy lessons

13 December 2014, 12:45am You don't understand what's made me upset? Valid enough. Have some empathy and put yourself in my shoes in your imagination. I have described how I have been feeling lately after you said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you". Take what you have learned about me from our conversations and time together face to face: of who I am, and my emotionally. You're me: from my eyes and heart, pretend you are doing and have done about near everything I had done for you. Before meeting you, I was paranoid and depressed from loneliness and the damn Internet trolls. Imagine from about when I sent you the message on OKCupid, and then your response shortly after, and so forth. Everything building up within me with you, the first date meeting at Applebee's, the more recent bowling date, the try of getting together at the Pride Festival yet your car problem happened. I wanted to come to your rescue and worrying about you. That time I was in VA, you were in New York with Shaina, and then suddenly, Colin enters and takes you on the cruise outing, and me not knowing him better at the time for the while. Ecetera. Take your time with empathizing there: it's like reading a book and imagining Everything from the lead character's perspective. Anyhow, I am still feeling the heartache and depression, and Unless you want to come over here and offer me condolences and compassion, or restarting the open relationship, it could take me a LONG time, or less if I should die early from said depression, to make any significant emotional recovery there. Think, Imagine, and Emphasize on all that from my perspective. Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Chrisitan W. Chandler.

Not mature enough to date

13 December 2014, 5:28 Wow, okay, what makes you so sure you're mature enough to date? It doesn't sound it, all I keep hearing from you is how you believe you're entitled to a relationship with someone.

Wah Wah

14 December 2014, 00:49:59 Re: Well, that's nypical What the hell is wrong with you, Catherine? I suggested that you try to see things from my perspective. And then you reply like as if I'm some sort of overbearing individual who speaks "Wah Wah" like in the Charlie Brown cartoons? I never said anything like as if I was "entitled" to be in a relationship with some woman. If anything, I stated reasonably that I Need that one special woman to be with me, help me, and keep me from possibly going into some form of crazy insane, in the longer run. I had thought you understood me, and I had thought you were the one special woman out of a million common ones. Your response leaves me with a feeling like I might not know you anymore. What the hell? Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Christian W. Chandler

Not my fault

14 December 2014, 5:28 RE: Well, that's ntypical I'm really not understanding this behaviour here, Christian. I appreciate you're feeling depressed with your situations right now, but it isn't my fault and it isn't my responsibility to fix it. I had my cards on the table from the start. I thought we could be gal pals but you just seem to want to use me and guilt me into a relationship with you. That's not okay, Chris. Relationships don't always work out how you dream they will. That's just how things are.

It IS Your Fault!

14 December 2014, 15:04 It IS Your Fault! The way you're talking right now, it's sounding like you're trying to clear your conscious; it does not work that easy. You can't rationalize or disillusion yourself like Daffy Duck did. YOU were the one who made the statement of Not Wanting to be in a Relationship With Me. We HAD Been in the Open Relationship since we had established that mutual Love and Understanding early in our communications with each other! "I appreciate your being depressed"? That is a Dumb, Oxymoronic Statement to make. Like Lucy Van Pelt telling Schroeder, "I'm returning all of the gifts I was going to give you". And she realized "That didn't even make sense"! You may be Book Smart, but that does Not make you All-Knowing or Wise. Yes, we could be Gal Pals, but you Have to also realize that I still have the Ugly Growth that if we were in bed, you could enjoy this near seven incher damn cock! Relationships Work Best when both partners take it seriously. I HAVE Been Serious about it; You are showing that you've been very Lackadaisical and Ignorant for a while now. What we had, because you took the Biggest Part that was keeping at least ONE of us feeling Better and More Secure than EVER, the Relationship and Removal of Your Love and Emotions for me, it is like emptying a book of EVERYTHING but the Table of Lack of Contents. And I do think I Am Entitled in a True, Valid Relationship with a woman very much like you, because I Need The Love, and not only that, but I Am Of Royalty in the Weston Bloodline. Right now, I am feeling tired, headachy, more depressed and sick of the blatant sarcasm in the ignorance you are showing along with your bitchy ass. And my mother is not fond of you right now either. She called you Common in your "Not Wanting to be in a Relationship With Me." Stew In All Of That For A Long While. Stay Safe with Peace, Christian W. Chandler (sent from my iPod)

Palpitations and blood pressure

14 December 2014, 5:28 RE: It IS Your Fault! You seem to think we were in a relationship because YOU thought we were. We've been out twice, and once was just as friends. That's not a relationship. I said I was going to have to really consider being in a relationship after my NY trip, and I decided that we should just be friends. You don't get to guilt trip someone into being your partner, which is what you're doing to me. And I don't like it. It gives me palpitations and blood pressure.

And Furthermore

4:33 PM And Furthermore I am Most Certainly Entitled to the True, Honest, Loving and Good Relationship, because I Have been In and Out of more than Ten Faulty Relationships, Real And Theoretical, Long Before You. And I had been Forced to get used to feeling in a Constant Depressed State for Years, aside from the times when I was In Love that got me Best Out of that Slump! No Single Person Should Ever Have To be Used to Feeling Depressed for So Damn Long A Time, even With medications that Try and Fail to get them Out Of That Depression!!! **pant. pant. pant...** Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Christian W. Chandler

Messages

The Gal Pals Weren't the First Time Bob Hired Friends for Chris

CHRIS: I had a crush on her, Natasha Turner, she was a very pretty teen. Then, one day, after getting dropped off at home on the bus, she met up with her girl friends and Smoked with them. That was It for me right there. Anyway, I remembered that my father was Paying her to walk with me and protect me to and back from the bus stop. CATIE: Really? CHRIS: It was a major shock to me remembering that. Made me think my friendships might have been a lie. I laid in bed and slept with the shock. Stuck in my dreams; reluctant to really open my eyes to awake. CATIE: How did you find out about this? CHRIS: I remember my Father giving me money and asking me to give it to Natasha as payment for her Friendship and Attention. I didn't know why, at that time, but I Know Now. CATIE: So he just... Gave you the money to give to her? Did he tell you what it was for or anything? CHRIS: I don't remember exactly, but I believe he was direct about it: telling me it was like Babysitter money, or something like that.

Christmas blues

21 December 2014: CATIE: What specifically did I say that was so hurtful? CHRIS: I will have to get back to you on that question; I am feeling tired and out of it right now. I've been doing heavy work at the house yesterday and today. But between the text messages between before today, and the day you told me you did not want a relationship with me; the Hurtful Words Are There. You can look into the texting history yourself. I will read and quote later when I feel more rested. CATIE: Nothing stands out to me so I don't really know. I just am trying to understand here. CATIE: Look, I don't know how ready I am to be your gal pal again after everything. 23 December 2014: CHRIS: Well, I am recovered enough to move forward from the breakup, and what's done is done. I am still wanting to be your friend. Not a lot of people will stay on as friends after a breakup, that makes this instance a rare deal. And you don't have to make your decision right away; you can get back to me after the holidays. Anyhow, I have packing to do for our return move very soon. And my mind is coming up blank at the moment. CHRIS: I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. Stay Safe.