Homos
| “ | I Am Straight; Vaginas and Boobies Give Me MY ERECTIONS; You Damn Homos have NO CHANCE with me EVER. | ” |
| Chris, lying.[1] | ||
| “ | I put a condom on the dildo and actually did put it up my, uh, A-hole. Uh...and uh, in my humble opinion, it just did not feel right to me. And uh, the anal beads, I just put 'em in there and they were, it's like... in. Not so stiff. So it was just that one time, then they got covered in poo, and I just, I put them in the trash can. | ” |
| Chris[2] | ||
Homos is the pejorative term by which Christian Weston Chandler refers to homosexual people almost exclusively.
From the very beginning of his Internet fame in 2007, his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "STAY STRAIGHT" have been one of his most noted and exploited aspects.
Fear of being a homo
| “ | "Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation." | ” |
| Chris [3] | ||
Chris's homophobia is just that: he is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a penis without being "freaked out"[4] and he has cited several techniques he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women.[5][6][7]
Chris is also convinced that chances of homosexuality are raised as a direct result of not engaging in heterosexual intercourse before maturation,[8] his Dating Education classes naturally being the reasonable solution to preventing people from becoming homos. He continues to attempt to wildly assert his straightness (and fail at it), using anything from the Sailor Moon Poster of Fail to objects as strange and totemic as his Optimus Prime toy.
Hatred of homos
Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability/desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the trolls as homos, which is either a basic ad hominem attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on Rosechu must be gay.
Notably, in an IRC chat from 2 January 2009, Chris made this statement:
| “ | if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls" | ” |
| Chris, 2 January 2009, 11:59 | ||
He added that gay men should be incarcerated in prisons with female offenders and be provided with access to prostitutes, arguing that they would come out "reprogrammed" into healthy, law-abiding heterosexuals.
On February 18, 2009, Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his gal pals and his sweethearts. However, this was mostly done at the insistence of Julie; by 10 March 2009 Chris was reciting verses from the Bible to justify his position against homos.
In Chris's Carrie rip-off, "The High School Story", Chris's Mary Sue character, Terrah LeAnne Yowman, is called a lesbian by kids at her high school, because she hangs around with guys all the time.
| “ | She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating glare with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight Homophobe would attack that bully with No Mercy; beat the crap out of that person. | ” |
| "The High School Story" | ||
On 14 June 2009, he created a video called Don't Trust Any Homos Over There, which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of Uncle Ruckus's song "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There" from the pilot episode of The Boondocks.
Later on in the day, he published an apology for the video called I'm Sorry, Dude, and insisted that he likes gays who "ac— ...accomplish other things, like Stephen Fry, who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on LittleBigPlanet." This quote, of course, displays Chris's ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrator (on things other than LBP), an author of several blogs that have a large Internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology was only posted for the sake of his gal pal Kim's boyfriend, whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.
Curiously, Chris goes out of his way to state that the children of Sonichu and Rosechu are watched over by Heather Iglesias, whom he characterizes as "a pretty, trustworthy, good natured Spanish Lesbian."[9] He further mentions that Heather keeps her sexuality a secret from the kids at the request of Sonichu himself.[9] It is unknown why Chris mentions this, given that he has vacillated wildly in the past in his feelings on lesbianism, sometimes coming out in support and other times condemning it, or why the character is both Hispanic and a lesbian.
Chris occasionally tries to say he respects homosexuals for who they are. However, he repeatedly betrays his intolerance of different lifestyles, often within the same statement.
| “ | "I personally respect the individual people as fellow human beings, and I am cool with associating with them as acquaintances and friends, but Please Do Not Wave Around what you do behind closed doors around me; NOBODY CARES TO KNOW; I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. Even within my imagination, I Do Not Care to even have the pictures Randomly Pop up in my head." | ” |
| Chris [10] | ||
Because it's OK for him to wave around his degenerate sexuality and showcase real life pictures of his disgusting activities, but God forbid a well-adjusted male adult mention they love other men.
On 8 July 2009, Chris left a comment on a PSN News Post in reference to a Unity avatar.[11]
| Hey, the Street Fighter Tourney is good news, but I have a concern about the person who left the message.
His Avitar… If that icon is WHAT I THINK IT IS, I AM OFFENDED; please change your Avitar, dude. |
On July 26, 2009, Chris goes so far as to call "gay" a synonym for "stupid."
In the Mailbag section of the CWCipedia, Chris describes at length his idea for his comic self to travel to the future, where scientists have successfully isolated the "homo gene" (an idea stolen from this episode of Family Guy). They have not, however, isolated the "straight gene", and are only able to when Chris donates his own blood (Chris has once remarked that homosexuality could be cured by injecting blood from straight men into homosexuals, or by imprisoning gays in co-ed prisons). This storyline finally came to light in Sonichu #10, Chris amended this plan to not only bring back a couple of syringes, but also enough of the "cure" to turn every gay person on Earth straight.
Jack Thaddeus purchased advertisement space on the CWCipedia to put up two ads on the site. One of them was an ad featuring Peter Griffin of Family Guy, pointing out that he and his creator, Seth MacFarlane, were supportive of gay rights. In retaliation, Chris blew his stack, stating:
| “ | I understand you getting paid to run ads in that box on the Cwcipedia. I feel okay with Vivian's Audiobooks, BUT I feel OFFENDED with the Mexico Contest and Gay-Rights Ads. The Pickle on the Mexico ad reminds me of a terrible time in my past with Pickle-Suited TROLLS, and I AM AGAINST HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLES and FOR STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUALITY.
Please Remove, or Change the Images of, THE TWO ADS. And in the future, if you plan on adding more advertisements, INCLUDING the associated images, Please run them by me in a message for my personal Approval BEFORE you start running the ads. Thank you. |
” |
| Chris[12] | ||
In a phone call with Jack Thaddeus, Chris stated that he assumed that a friend of Jack's was gay when he heard that he had AIDS.
On Christmas Day, 2009, the Sysop at the CWCipedia added a Twitter onto the webpage. Two days later, Chris saw this and flew into a tizzy, wanting the Twitter off as he didn't want any "homo trolls" talking behind his back.
Around New Year 2010, Chris replaced Jack Thaddeus's gay-friendly ads with ads for Love In Action (an "ex-gay" ministry), ProtectMarriage.com (a site promoting Proposition 8), and a site that calls for a boycott on Pepsi due to their gay-friendliness. In another ad, he also suggested that Avatar was a totally straight film. To sum it up: Ex-gay campaigns, Proposition 8 and ridiculous consumer boycotts - in one fell swoop, Chris managed to put in three big things that do not win himself any gay friends whatsoever and prove all of his previous "respect" for gays is nothing but idle words.
On 5 January 2010, Chris responded to a Mailbag letter addressing the homosexual subject. In the answer, Chris stated that Magi-Chan keeps a constant psychic-surveillance to ensure that there are no homos in CWCville. When evidence of homosexuality was found in a couple, the people involved would be arrested and fined heavily.
Then, on 7 January, when answering the question of how he began hating the gay population, we got this interesting insight...
| “ | I estimate that I started hating them about Summer, 2003 just after I started my Sweetheart Search, where I received the response from one woman, "Ooh, I'm sorry, I am a Lesbian." That, combined with my PAST dislike of MEN in general AND the later pictured images of such acts led me to DISGUST AND HATRED FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS. Plus ALL of the Homos within the Trolls AND all Homosexual Fans with their WRONGFUL Quoting of MY comics and characters in THEIR PAPERS and ESSAYS promoting homosexuality, and EVEN WORSE a Sonichu BALLOON in one of their God DAMED Pride Parades!!! ALL OF THESE FACTORS have ONLY made my view of the Homosexual Males WORSE! | ” |
| Chris, before finally stating (for the umpteenth time) that Sonichu is straight. | ||
Not only is this ironic, considering his current views on lesbianism, but it adds another interesting aspect to his hatred: Chris's frustration with homos is influenced by him being childish and whiny about not getting his way, just because one woman turned him down. We wouldn't expect anything different from him.
On 12 January, Chris appeared to soften his stance, saying that "Firstly, I am decreeing that homosexuals will have equal relationship rights within Cwcville, yet gay marriage is still Illegal and Wrong. And Magi-Chan will stay out of those people's heads under my request."[13] Of course, it's not clear how gays can have "equal relationship rights" if they can't marry, but Chris tends to be pretty weak on logic.
On 30 January 2010, Chris voiced his opinion about the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the American military. He is for the lifting of the ban so that "the homos can go die in explosions."
On 15 August 2010, Bob showed the same kind of hatred and prejudice as his son does for "DA HOMOS". In the Matthew Noble call, Bob said that he believed that a few homosexual kids were working alongside Mike and Megan to get Chris banned from The GAMe PLACe.
Why Chris appears to be gay
| “ | First off, should such images [of men's asses] enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever. | ” |
| Mailbag #4 - Chris admitting he's had homoerotic fantasies. | ||
Ironically, the harder Chris tries to convince people he's straight, the gayer he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, colorfully-dressed, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to Playboy!"[14] every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.
- Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would rather be female than gay. It should be noted that straight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.[15]
- He collects My Little Pony figures well into early adulthood.
- For a straight man, he sure does consume a lot of semen. Likewise, the idea of licking his own ejaculate off one of his gal-pals sexually arouses him.
- Like many gay men, most of his "friends" were female and he never slept with any of them.
- In a PSN Chat with Julie, Chris admitted that he randomly has images of penises (his own and others he's seen in porn) pop into his head. He also claims to hear voices in his head that say "Christian is gay." Unless Chris is having very specific auditory hallucinations, it's likely he has homoerotic daydreams and freaks out about it. In the same chat he sounded delighted describing the first time he saw semen in a porno movie as a teenager.
- He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the Vanessa Saga on 16 April 2009, he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose."[16] Although it is quite possible to stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
- Chris said that he would put something up his ass for Ivy "in a heartbeat," including a large fake dick, and would let her fuck him with a strap-on.[17]
- Chris said that he might let a gay guy fuck him if Ivy wanted that.[18]
- During their correspondence, Jackie told Chris she was curious about anal sex.[19] Instead of taking it to mean she wished to be penetrated from behind (as most men would have understood it), Chris thought she wanted to use a strap-on/anal bead on him and said he would comply. In her next email, Jackie clarified her intentions but said she was open to the prospect of being the penetrative partner,[20] leading a jubilant Chris to discuss his past anal experiences in detail.
- Christian argues that the vibrator and anal beads were sent to him as a gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. However, according to the receipts that were uncovered by trolls, Chris specifically asked for the anal beads as the gift.
- Chris kept the vibrator around for months.
- In the Chris Sex Logs, Chris shows off a dildo to PandaHalo. He immediately suggests the phallic sex toy is something that goes up your butt, and then immediately denies it's been up his butt. He also says having a dildo in your butt "will feel good."
- On 5 February 2009 Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man. He later issued a retraction which was far less persuasive.
- When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from Max, Chris was given the choice of burning his medallion or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.
- Chris thought a straight woman would be turned on by a close-up picture of his anus.
- He wears a pink belt buckle.
- He owns a set of anime wings which are basically hair clips. And hair clips are for women.
- His best man at his wedding is Sarah Hammer in drag.
- He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his visit to a local bar/restaurant, which is popular at gay clubs and drag revues.
- Christian and the Hedgehog Boys features two covers of the Backstreet Boys, one cover of a Britney Spears song, and one cover of a Ricky Martin song. This music was popular among thirteen-year-old girls when it was new and is popular among the gay community today.
- He wears a bra. In fairness, he uses it to try to attract women.
- He implores men to wear bras because looking at shirtless men makes Chris uncomfortable,[21][22] possibly arousing latent homosexual urges.
- When you look up "Homosexuality" in Chris's own web encyclopedia, you literally see his own portrait (as shown on the screencap at the top of this section).
- In the PS3 History Level video, he showed that he actually owns a copy of Sex and the City (the film) when he showcased his then current collection of PS3 games and movies.
- In his response to a letter in Mailbag 4 about "impure" homoerotic thoughts, Chris confesses that he "[has] had this problem too," and has to resort to deleting them through a curious process that involves dropping the thoughts into his stomach acid, lest the gay gene take its toll.
- Chris reacts to Alec Benson Leary's Asperchu comics by giving the all the characters a free makeover.
- In Sonichu #10, Chris donates some of his "straight blood" to doctors in the future so that they could make a vaccine against homosexuality. Vaccines are made from people who have the virus being fought.
- One of Chris's ModNation Racers vehicles is called "A Man's Toy", which is a light blue carriage with rainbow lollipop wheels and a message that says "Tea parties are good and nice" on the rear end of the carriage.[23]
- In the guise of his trollsona JenkinsJinkies, Chris used Trollin' Train to go into far more detail than was necessary about a supposed homosexual encounter, describing various acts with a relish out of place for someone who claims to be disgusted by the mere thought of a penis.
- He made a drawing of Punchy wearing panties and bra.
- He also made a drawing of a Sonee and a Rosee in which the hairless spot on the Rosee's abdomen looks like an erect penis.
- The Scrapbook of Fail contains a self portrait of Chris as the Yu-Gi-Oh! character Dark Magician Girl.
- He voluntarily dressed up as a woman, went out in public and used the woman's washroom. While not all cross-dressers are homosexuals, men who are afraid of being seen as a homosexual generally do not take a disturbing amount of pride in cross-dressing in public.
Defenses against becoming homo
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a Sailor Moon poster which he stares at everyday to stave off temptations of homosexuality.
Chris also subscribes to Playboy to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five seconds for him to get around to boobies and vaginas.
When homosexual (or potentially homosexual) fans sent Chris questions on the CWCipedia asking for tips to STAY STRAIGHT, Chris tends to offer what essentially amounts to self-brainwashing. Some of his ideas include thinking of naked women and how awesome they are, and imagining being struck by painful lightning whenever a homosexual thought occurs with an extremely severe and disproportionate punishment.[5] He also clarifies that one need not buy their own poster of fail; any poster featuring attractive women (preferably in bikinis and looking sexy) will do the trick.
To prevent future homos, he also encourages women to not drink, smoke, or be physically abused while pregnant because he believes this could cause the baby to be born homosexual.[24]
In Kill De Jack, Chris reveals another one of his defenses against becoming a homo: he covers a section of his "computer" (we can assume that he means "computer screen") with a piece of paper so that he can browse CWCipedia without looking at Jack Thaddeus's ads featuring pictures of homosexual men.
It seems that the centerfold poster of Marge's Playboy magazine has become one of Chris's many defenses against becoming a homo. The fact that she's married has no bearing on Chris's desires.
| “ | But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart. | ” |
| -Matthew 28, something Chris has probably never read, nor wouldn't care to read. | ||
Chris on his alleged homosexuality
- "I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"[25]
- "I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! YOU'RE THE HOMOS! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"[26]
- "I'm straight, don't doubt me!"[27]
- "Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC CLOSET AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF."[28]
- "Yep, you heard me. I am...a gaaaaaaaaay...bian."[29]
- "Anyway the, uh- anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all- how y'all understand it."[30]
- "And look at me. Do I look like- [*shakes head in disagreement*] No more of those stupid acquisition messages! Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty SKULLS! I. Am. STRAIGHT!"[31]
Curiously, in his own campaign ad, Chris announced a promise of "gay marriage ability for every state within the United Nations." Suffice to say, this has not helped him in the polls.
See also
- Chris and sex
- Chris and religion
- Chris Comes Out of the Closet
- Don't Trust Any Homos Over There
- Gay 4 Sonichu
- Gaybian (a "male lesbian", according to Chris)
- It's UGH!
- Rainbow
- Reldnahc Naitsirhc
- Magi-Chan
- Heather Iglesias
- Tomgirl
- Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia
Sources
- ↑ Mailbag 31
- ↑ http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/BlueSpike_PSN_Chat_3
- ↑ E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *sigh*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm
- ↑ CWC's Second Message
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 Mailbag #3
- ↑ Mailbag #3
- ↑ Mailbag #4
- ↑ http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Dating_Education
- ↑ 9.0 9.1 Cwcipedia: "Sonichu"
- ↑ http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality
- ↑ http://blog.us.playstation.com/2009/07/08/attention-fighting-fans-prove-youre-the-best-around/#comment-241496
- ↑ http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=User_talk:WikiSysop#The_New_Ad-Links
- ↑ CWC Blog#12 January 2010
- ↑ CWC Update 18 January 2009
- ↑ Mumble 1
- ↑ Vanessa IRC Chat III
- ↑ Vanessa IRC Chat VII
- ↑ Vanessa IRC Chat IX
- ↑ Jackie E-mails 5
- ↑ Jackie E-mails 6
- ↑ Mailbag 55
- ↑ Mailbag #55
- ↑ http://community.modnation.com/en-us/players/Sonichu/creations/1296110
- ↑ Mailbag #5
- ↑ Masturbating and squirtin'
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008
- ↑ PS3 History Level
- ↑ IRC (20 January 2009)
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video
- ↑ I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts
External links
- CWC (Ian Brandon Anderson) finally admits it.
- Chris-chan is sick of the lies!
- Chris-chan proves those slanderous trolls wrong.