Mailbag 35

Mailbag 35 was uploaded by the CWCipedia's Sysop on 8 January 2010. Chris answered the letters on the same day.

Chris removed three letters without saving them. Two were about Asperchu, and more importantly, how much better it is than Sonichu. The final one was a response to the wild weekend letter from the prior mailbag, calling Chris out on how gay he acts. It is unclear if he was permanently deleting these letters out of rage, or out of fear that his fans might see them.

Two of Chris's answers stand out as outright disturbing, one in which he openly advised a man to buy his son a prostitute, and one in which he almost disagreed with Nazi concentration camps. Other notable responses included Chris raging against tattoos, advising we go through nine seasons of South Park in order to fully appreciate a joke he stole, and his continual refusal to just fucking kill Simonla already.

Answered

I think he wanted a specific verse

From: captaintuggers@gmail.com Dear Chris: You say that you are against cousin marriage because it is "unholy." Where in the Bible does it say that God forbids marriage between cousins?

Oh, I don't know... How about the part where it says DO NOT HAVE RELATIONS WITH YOUR OWN MOTHER OR FATHER OR BROTHER OR SISTER. It is the SAME THING.

In which Chris advises a father to buy his son whores

From: Mike Jackson <mikejackson113@hotmail.com> Hi Chris! Thanks for answering my question in such a quick and mature manner! I suppose I should have told you the ages of my children. I have three kids, two of which are boys and one of which is a girl. Mike Junior is the eldest at 16 years, with my daughter Katherine being the middle child at 15. My youngest (Jeremy) is 8. Mike Jr reads it seperately from the rest of us. My oldest son has some trouble with the ladies, but he REALLY wants to have sex. He's of legal age in our state. I was thinking of taking him to an escort service and letting him have his first time with one of them. One of my coworkers suggested doing this to help my son gain some self confidence with the ladies, as his father did this for him when he was that age and my coworker has tons of girlfriends. Don't worry, I wouldn't let him go off with any lady that looked diseased or ugly! I briefly mentioned this to my son during a bonding session while we were watching some porn. (At your suggestion I stopped showing it to the two youngest children.) He really seemed to like the idea, although his mother is adverse to it. I don't want to make my heartsweet angry, so I figured that I'd ask you. Is it ok for me to buy my son sex? He's at the age of consent where we live and he's been asking me lately if I was actually serious about it. He thinks that it would be a great way to get his hormones in check as well as practice speaking to women. Thanks for the advice!! Mike

I would agree to this step for your son. It would definitely be a self-confidence booster. I highly recommend making sure the woman was tested and checked to be S.T.D.-Free beforehand. And maybe do this once or twice (twice if the first time goes off prematurely and awry). To your wife, I say this. Madam, I understand how you feel about this as a considerate and caring mother, but you have to open your mind and heart; your children have to grow up sometime, and the first sexual intercourse is a Big Step in that. Have faith in your son practicing it safely and responsibly. And another expression comes to mind, and I hope it does not offend you, madam. "Cut the Umbilical Cord." --ChrisChanSonichu 05:58, 9 January 2010 (CET)

When they talk about sharing needles that's not what they mean

From: Mark Landry <modat5@yahoo.com> Hey Chris, What's the deal with not getting a tattoo? Are you afraid that it'll hurt? Because I can tell you for a fact it doesn't. I've got tattoos all up my arms and a huge piece on my back and they never hurt me when I got them. Also, the amount of pussy I've gotten because of them is mind blowing! Chicks really dig tattoos man, but don't be wearing that piece of shit fake tattoo you got from Guitar Hero: Metallica, that'll turn them off.

It's not the pain that bothers me, but how about the DIRTY NEEDLES; they are likely NOT to have been cleansed between uses, and DISEASES can be transferred. THINK ABOUT IT!

No comment

From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com> Christian, I am deeply hurt. You called me self-gloated, self-boasting, and self-egotistical. I can imagine no more hurtful words than these. If I was any of those things, don't you think I would have put myself in my comics? Because that is what an self-egotistical person would do, right? They say you never write yourself into your own work, as it is disastrous for writing. I followed that rule and kept it all about ASPERCHU, not myself. Well, not entirely ASPERCHU. I did include Sonichu in my comic. And YOU. but not MYSELF. I included YOU because I wanted your approval, that's all. I hope you feel good about causing so much pain. Alec Benson Leary

Chris added a reply template to this letter, but never typed a response.

No comment II: Electric Boogaloo

From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com> One more thing, Mr. Weston Chandler: Can you tell me how exactly my ASPERCHU is a Parody of your Sonichu, when ASPERCHU has the Aspergers, which you say is NOT RELATED to the Autism? I asked you this in my last letter, but you did not read it apparently. Consider the Question, as I believe it will set you STRAIGHT. Alec Benson Leary

Chris left this letter in Mailbag 35, but made no effort to answer it at all.

In which Chris tells us that we need to go look up what he stole from

From: Ben Hat Dick <ben3156@live.com> Dear Chris, As I was reading Sonichu issue 10, I noticed on page 32 that The Devil was quoted in saying "Where the hell would I go, Detroit?" Being from Detroit, this slightly offended me. Why did you say Detroit Chris? I see this as a rude remark on the great city that birthed Techno Music. (Not to mention amazing artists like Madonna, The White Stripes, The Von Blondies and Andrew WK)

I was quoting an episode of South Park; it was the one right after Eric started preaching the word of God and Jesus and opened his own church to save the children. While in Hell, Satan was going into the damned relationship with this dude, after he ended it with Saddam. Saddam said the line, after he returned after Satan killed him, "Well where was I going to go, Detroit?" Look it up on YouTube or within the first 9 Seasons available for Instant Streaming to your Computer, Playstation 3, HEXBox or compatible cable box from Netflix. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:58, 9 January 2010 (CET)

Chris is referring to "Do the Handicapped Go to Hell?".

Chris isn't racist, he just hates black people

From: Some One <someone_309@hotmail.com> Hey Chris, you said that although you feel comfortable around other races, you still refuse to date a black woman. Are you willing to date a Asian, Native or Hispanic woman? Also, can you please explain, in detail, why you refuse to date a Black women? I do not think that race would matter in holding a happy relationship.

Firstly, I would date Asian, Native or Hispanic women, as well as women of all other countries. Second, call me Old Fashioned, but I never saw a black woman being my wife in any of my dreams of me and my white baby daughter.

Male pattern lying

From: Stephanie Liberman <theinitialsoreness@yahoo.com> My dad is going bald like you. Do you think he should get a toupee or just wear hats from now on?

I am not going bald.

It's entirely possible Chris actually believes what he's saying here

From: Harry Huu <harry.r.huu@gmail.com> A GamePlace employee told me why you were banned from the store. He said it was because you harrassed kids(yelling at them and acting childish eve thought you are an adult) and Snyder used an excuse to get you out of the store. So why were you really kicked out of Wendy's. did you harass kids? Yawning Squirtle rocks! Bill the scientist is meh.

I have never harassed any children.

DO IT FAGGOT

From: Evang7 <evang7@gmail.com> Chris, just kill Simonla already for the love of god. -Evan simonchucomics.deviantart.com

NO.

Except when half of it gets destroyed by giant robots

From: habanerochillidog@gmail.com Chris, You said that Magi-chan monitors people to make sure they don't do anything homosexual. Are you seriously saying that Magi-chan psychically watches everyone in CWCVille have sex, to make sure it's not homo, or otherwise deviant? That's nothing but a disgusting invasion of privacy. Why anyone would choose to live in a city where a purple hedgehog watches you have sex with your significant other every night is utterly beyond my comprehension. Can you enlighten me as to why anyone lives in CWCVille?

It is a clean, secure, orderly and safe city.

If Chris hates Asperchu so much, why is he advertising for him?

From: ilastsawmymarbles18723@gmail.com Hello! I really love your comic, I've been following it almos ever since you put it up on the Internet. I was so happy to see that Sonichu and Asperchu are friends, maybe they can team up and fight evil together in your comic too? Also this is just so cute! http://tinyurl.com/y9hu5za Did you contribute your artistic skill to that wiki? It looks really nice! It could use some more info about Sonichu though, and his friendship with Asperchu. Maybe you could help them out there? Most of it is free to edit! Well, thanks! Keep on zapping to the extreme! - Marbles

Sonichu, Rosechu and I have NO ASSOCIATION WHATSOEVER With "Asperchu". --ChrisChanSonichu 05:58, 9 January 2010 (CET)

Funny, that's the same advice we keep giving Chris

From: Gillian Seed <gillianseed@suremail.info> "Go watch "The 40-Year Old Virgin." Looks like you didn't read my email. Yes, I've seen the 40 Year Old Virgin. Why else would I bring it up? Looks like you haven't seen it, so let me explain. It was a comedy, where the joke was a 40 year old who loses his virginity. Emphasis on "joke." Also, keyword here being "comedy." You know, "comedy" in the same sense that anvils falling out of the sky is comedy? Sadly though, real life isn't as funny. In real life, you don't walk into a bar and say ouch. You walk into a bar and order a drink. And when you turn 30, you don't lose your virginity. Also another fun fact. Notice how the character and name of the movie is still called "40 Year Old Virgin" despite the fact that he isn't one at the end? Real life is the same. A guy who loses his virginity at 18 or 20 is considered normal. A guy who was still a virgin at 30 is a stigma that never goes away. Do you want to be remembered forever as guy who was the 30 year old virgin? Or even 31, 32, or even worse? Just trying to help. I'd hate to see anyone end up like that. Sincerely, Gillian Seed

I have had a copy of the DVD of the movie, UNRATED, since the day it came out on DVD, and I have watched it over 20 times. And to the rest of your e-mail, I say you have YOUR OWN ISSUES to make ammends to. Go See a Psychiatrist.

In which Chris almost figures it out

From: Dr. Josef Mengele <JosfeMegele@auschwitztdoctors.net> Dear Christian, My name is Josef Mengele, I am a doctor studying homosexuals and seeking proper treatment for them. I recently read your most recent issue about homosexuals being cured by your blood to stop the gay gene and I must say I am impressed by your intelligence with regards to homosexuality and knowing it is genetic. I have several proposals for dealing and treating with homosexuals and I was wondering if I could get some cross examination of my theories from a like minded individual. I believe that we are very close to isolating the elusive “gay gene” in the human genome list. However, finding gays who want to be cured is very hard work! I have proposed to my government body on many occasions the marking of homosexuals, (making them wear rainbow emblems on themselves at all times), and the gathering of homosexuals onto trains and planes to take them to camps where we can better study them and hopefully find a final solution to the homosexual problem. Some people -- mainly the homosexuals -- get really offended when I suggest this… Then again they’re gay and don’t know any better. Am I wrong in my idea that we should mark homosexuals with a friendly pin so people know they are gay? I think it would be most helpful if we could gather them all up and study them in one location! After all if we are able to implement the final solution and rid homosexuality forever wouldn’t it be a good thing? I think homosexuals need to see that this is for the betterment and good of mankind and cooperate more. Sincerely, Dr. Josef Mengele

Your ideas are good, but I do see flaws on them; the wearing of pins would be considered Manditory, yet this a Free Country with Civil Rights; the individuals may choose NOT to wear them even though they have them. And of course they would resist even volunteering to go to a Camp; just the word, Camp, gives the impression of the days when the Jews were oppressed by Hitler (Anne Frank comes to mind), and that is not a good image. If you want their cooperation, you have to give the impression that they are not going to feel Forced. With such, I would recommend the term "Camp" not be used, but use a term that gives a more positive impression on the Study and the Ideas. And lessen the required number for the study; maybe select 5 or 10 homosexual individuals to help, and offer compensation. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:58, 9 January 2010 (CET)

Rejected Mailbag

Ain't no sex like jail sex

From: Madison B. Henderson <mhendersonb@yahoo.ca> Hello, Christian You said that you intend to video tape yourself having sex with a woman against her wishes. This is extremely illegal and considering your arrest record, you would go straight to prison, where you belong. It doesn't matter that you intend to blurr out her face. Guys like you are used like sexual currency in prisons and you should bear that in mind before you commit this grievous crime. Any Americans reading this should report you to the police to stop you commiting the crimes you have threatened to do.

Chris added a reply template to the bottom of this letter, but failed to answer it.

Gone Forever

Jivin ain't never getting tied down

From: Fred West Dear Chris, In your amazingly drawn Asperchu comics I was wondering if the character Jivin will ever find his true eternal heartsweet? Fred West

Chris loses another "fan"

From: Anthony R. <anthony197930@hotmail.com> Chris, After your disrespectful response to my previous e-mail, I wanted to let you know that I am ABANDONING you and your comic FOREVER. You see, I have found a much more superior product in Asperchu (http://www.hsienko.com/asperchu), and I will never ever read your comic again. You should learn that fans should be treated with respect, and the way that you treat your fans is unacceptable. Normally, I would say, "until next time" here, but since I will never talk to you again, I will just bid you adieu. -Anthony R.

If Chris wasn't so gay, he would have nothing to worry about

From: Chet Wallace <mississippimudboghellnite@aol.com> Hey asshole, Don't edit out lines from my email and pretend I never said them like the little chickenshit pansy you are. I said if you secretly taped a girl having sex with you and put it on the internet people would think you were a pervert and it would do nothing at all to prove your heterosexuality. I've seen videos of you drinking your own semen, wearing adult diapers, and videos of you dancing naked with an imaginary gay man (I think you called him "Ivan") in your bathroom. People will just think you're a pervert who drinks his own semen, wears adult diapers, pretends to dance naked with men in the shower AND gets off on secretly filming chicks without their consent. I mean, maybe if you didn't go around acting like a fag people wouldn't call you gay. Chet (P.S. I am not a homophobe)

For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 35