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List of Chris's lies
STOP PIPING TO "LIE" AS IT IS EXTREMELY OVER-PIPED. Try piping to something more specific and only pipe to "Lie" when nothing else works. The "Fail" article was deleted as a result of being overpiped, and you certainly don't want this to be deleted as well.
—A classic lie from Mailbag 52.
Chris, not being one to accept personal responsibility, will frequently lie to save face. This trait was likely inherited from his mother Barb, whose dishonesty was described by Cole Smithey as "pathological".
In many cases, he will lie in a meager attempt to be "clever" or "outwit" the trolls. However, Chris is totally incapable of lying in a way that looks remotely convincing, so his lies have the opposite effect (e.g. going to Redmond). In other cases, he will lie to deny accepting personal responsibility for his actions (e.g. drawing Rule 34 of Megan Schroeder).
The reason why Chris is capable of telling bald-faced lies while still claiming to be true and honest probably derives from failing to understand the concept of a "white lie": a lie told out of courtesy to avoid trouble and/or offending people. Because telling this kind of lie usually is socially acceptable and won't tarnish one's reputation, Chris, in his usual blindness to social rules, probably learned through his brain that it is okay to lie in order to save face, because it is possible to do so while still remaining true and honest.
Complicating this further is the fact that Chris does not attempt to support his claims with any shred of evidence, and will contradict his lies with even more lies. The end result is that Chris is more or less a compulsive liar.
As of recently, Chris has taken to calling his lying "misspeaking". Instead of accepting that someone has called him out on his bullshit, he prefers to say he "misspoke". Needless to say, no one has fallen for this new ploy.
This list serves to document as many of Chris's blatant falsehoods as possible. While Chris is known to speak half-truth, exaggerate, etc., the fact that he is willing to outright tell blatant lies and untruths with no grounds in reality is disturbing and this list serves to document the latter.
- Chris claims that Patti's dog house weighs "like, five, ten tons". In the same call he claimed that mowing the lawn was a demanding physical chore for him, despite using a riding lawnmower to do it.
- In a Mumble chat, he lied and said that nude photos of him on Encyclopedia Dramatica were photoshopped, despite consenting to the photos. Chris also lied to someone he believed to be Shigeru Miyamoto about the ED images being photoshopped.
- For two days, Chris claimed to have a new sweetheart named Chloe after the Blanca breakup. The first mention was to his fans, of all people. Yet, if he were already seeing Chloe, why was he sad about breaking up with Blanca? Chris claimed to have met Chloe IRL at GameStop, where they struck up a conversation, yet Chris has constantly said he freezes even while practicing talking to women. He even said that they had a date together at Taco Bell and shared his first kiss with her. The most damning evidence is Chris never mentioned Chloe again. Furthermore, as of Mailbag #13, he says that he has "no recollection of a Chloe."
- Chris lied about taking a trip to Redmond because he had no financial support and to get a "Peaceful Weekend Getaway from the Trolls of the internet."
- Chris claims he jogs regularly for more than 20 seconds, despite proving he is incapable of doing so.
- Chris claimed that he was kicked out of class because he was autistic, when the real reason was him making a homophobic (and racist) comment in front of everyone. However, it may very well be that Chris considers such behavior to be inherent in austistic individuals (and is therefore excusable/not his responsibility).
- Chris claimed that Blanca received the medallion and sent it back so Chris could modify it, yet the medallion with the "special marks" was destroyed on YouTube. Furthermore, in a private chat with Robert Simmons V, Chris admits that the medallion was procured and was hastily working on a new one to throw the trolls off guard.
- When a nefarious IRL Jerkop confronted Chris on his Attraction Sign, Chris quickly hid the sign while the Jerkop left to get the Manajerk. Then, Chris proceeded to lie and pretend he never brought the sign, resulting in him being banned from the store.
- Chris claimed that he was banned from The GAMe PLACe forever for going behind the counter. In fact, as revealed by Mimms on the PVCC forum, the ban for going behind the counter was temporary, and what got him banned forever was the fact that he got into a shouting match with a child and treated the store's manager rudely. Possibly, Chris was mistaken, as he can be slow in the mind sometimes.
- In an e-mail, Chris claimed Megan said she loved him, when in reality she said no such thing.
- He has made occasional claims that he really doesn't hate homos, despite several instances of him showing otherwise.
- In an IRC chat with Clyde Cash and BILLY MAYS, Chris told Clyde, "People who call others homo are themselves in dire question of their own sexual preferences." When Clyde pointed out that Chris had called Clyde a homo just minutes earlier in the same chat, Chris lied that he didn't. When Chris was shown the exact words he typed, he said it didn't count because he was retaliating against Clyde's remark.
- Impersonated CChanSonichuCWC and called Kacey, telling her about his sexual fantasies (which involves recycling).
- Chris's challenges to CChanSonichuCWC began with a video in Spanish, stating that if Liquid Chris could not respond in Spanish, that would prove he is the impostor. When that backfired horribly, Chris then issued the SingStar Challenge to determine who is the real Chris. When Chris lost the SingStar Challenge, he declared that the contest meant nothing.
- Chris made a fake page mimicking PlayStation.com that showed him as the winner of the PaRappa contest.
- Trying to sound like a tough guy, Chris claimed in a 15 October 2009 Captain's Log entry that he "did not give a dang" about the reappearance of Liquid Chris, which is obviously not true since Solid devoted the entire first half of the Captain's Log to discrediting Liquid. Solid also stated that it would be the last time he mentioned Liquid, so of course he mentioned him again in a video six days later. In that video, Solid even used one of Liquid's SingStar Challenge songs to mock the trolls (the song's original purpose being to mock Solid), proving that Liquid does indeed still agitate him.
- In Mailbag #14, Chris offered a revisionist account of his ejection from Grace Baptist Church, claiming that he was banned from the congregation because his pastor "found images of women in bikinis on my Facebook; he was offended." In fact, as Chris himself revealed in an e-mail to Lordsillynipples in 2008, he was kicked out after his pastor discovered the catalog of Chris's sexually deviant behavior on Encyclopedia Dramatica, as well as the deranged YouTube rant from his 25th birthday.
- In Mailbag #25, Chris revealed that he told his father that he had taken the videos of the Chandler house off the Internet. The videos are still available on YouTube.
- Chris began receiving e-mails in January 2010 pointing out to him that his drawings of the Raichu from which Rosechu spawned in Sonichu #0 had a pointed tail instead of a blunted one, meaning the Raichu was male. What makes this incident unique is that Chris could have easily resolved the entire conflict. Since Chris is a longtime fan of the series, he could have easily thought "Wait a sec, when did male and female Pokemon start using different sprites again?", done a few quick searches online, and found that all Raichu were drawn with pointed tails prior to 2006. Eventually, after Chris uploaded an edited page and claimed that the tail had been blunt all along, he had this realization...after someone else showed him Bulbapedia.
- In early February 2010, Chris added a note to the CWCipedia page for Simonla Rosechu which claimed that she is a completely original character, and not a sloppy knockoff of Evan George's Simonchu. This was, of course, an obvious lie, contradicted by Chris's own e-mails and other statements about Simonla's creation. Later, in a phone conversation with Alec Benson Leary, Chris acted surprised that anyone would be unwilling to accept this "retraction" of the truth, suggesting that he doesn't even comprehend why people might not believe his lies.
- On Chris's fifth phone call with Alec, Chris very quickly found his own logic being used against him. To extricate himself from having to admit he was wrong, Chris instead set the phone down and very unconvincingly pretended to be his own mother, carrying on a small "conversation" with Chris asking him to clean up some cat shit. Chris then came back to the phone to tell Alec his mom needed him to take care of the cat and that he had to hang up.
- During the eighth conversation with Alec, Chris claims Nintendo sent him a letter saying Chris had free reign to use Pikachu in his comic, but when Alec asked Chris to upload the letter, Chris said he "misplaced" it. Also, during the call, Chris confidently stated that he "regularly" plays every single one of the games he owns — this being a valid reason he could not sell them for money. Chris owns roughly 600 different video games, so unless Chris has figured out a way to stop time, it would be impossible for him to play all of those games regularly.
- Chris went to great lengths to tell the fans that he would never show gore and violence in his comics. However, he breaks this statement by killing Evan in a very gory fashion in Sonichu #10. He later insists in his first chat with Jackie that it was justified because Alec "gored it up first." Episode #17, which was written long before Asperchu even began, ended with Rosechu stripping naked, clawing a man's head open, electrocuting him, and leaving him in a puddle of his own blood.
- When the trolls started to demand more comics, Chris stated that he was never sure whether he wanted to make money with Sonichu; if that were true, he would never have tried to make a video game about Sonichu, nor try to sell it to businesspeople.
- Chris has repeatedly referred to The Wallflower as his "girlfriend", despite making a video pleading for her to be with him, and, in fact, complaining about her essentially putting him in the friend zone.
- Chris promised to "remove [him]self from the Internet", only to return in less than 48 hours.
- While trying to get himself back into The GAMe PLACe, Chris told Michael Snyder that he's become a better person. This is after all the things he's done since April 2008. He ends this meeting by calling Michael a Jew, despite stating he had nothing against Jews not five minutes earlier.
- Chris's CWCipedia article about The Wallflower contains some of the biggest flights of fancy, blatant lies, exaggerations, half-truths, and flat-out delusions seen yet from Chris outside of the Father Call. Specifically, he claimed that he and The Wallflower had shared a kiss; since this would have been Chris's "real" first kiss (aside from "Chloe", a lie), it was considered important by obsessive CWCki editors to see if he remembers it later (the Wallflower CWCipedia page article was written on April the 19th). Naturally...leaked e-mails from Jackie show that by the 10th of April, nine days before making this highly suspicious claim, Chris had either a.) momentarily forgotten that he had been kissed — a monumental occasion in his life; b,) lied on his CWCipedia about being kissed; or c.) lied to Jackie about being kissed. In the end, a lie is still a lie, although it's possible he's basing his story on a gross exaggeration of the truth (the two sharing a drinking straw is the current troll favorite for this).
- In Mailbag #49, when asked about his opinion on a possible repeal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that would allow open homosexuals to serve in the U.S. military, Chris said that he thought the policy should only be repealed so that "the homos can go die in explosions." When called out on this in several later Mailbags, Chris forgoes apology to either deny the claim ever took place, or claimed that he had retracted it. Later, he would alter an e-mail in Mailbag #51 which contained the quoted remark to make it appear as though Chris was being pro-gay in the original e-mail. Up until the death of the CWCipedia in May 2010, the original, homophobic reply in Mailbag #49 remained unchanged and unretracted.
- In the e-mails with Clyde Cash and Surfshack Tito about Chris's PS3, Chris swore that he would not reveal the name of his new girlfriend. He broke this promise in a video not two weeks later.
- Also in the Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails, Chris said he would not buy another PS3. Not only did he do that and begin earning trophies about two weeks later, he also bought a PS Move controller (seen in this video).
- In an e-mail exchange with Jackie, he claims his penis is bigger than previously photographed and is no longer bent.
- Chris told Vivian Gee that he read her book, A Girl Who Brought Down the World, when, in reality, he gave it to his pastoral counselor, and never touched it beyond that.
- In the Miyamoto emails, Chris claims he never sexually harassed Megan Schroeder, despite drawing ShecameforCWC.JPG, and Megan repeatedly having told Chris to stop touching her.
- On the Tomboys_and_Tomgirls_of_Virginia forum, he said that if homosexuals 'kept it behind closed doors', he wouldn't bother them. Aside from his well-known issues with Homos, his comic states that if he had the power, he'd constantly be on the lookout for homosexual activity, and punish them to suit.
- In You're Always Pretty, Chris told his mother he was taking pictures of her, when he was really video taping her.
- When Chris informed his mother that he destroyed his PS3, he told her that the machine was already malfunctioning before he smashed it to bits. In reality the PS3 was still operational when Chris decided to put it out of use.
- When he held the lemonade stand, he claimed that his father died of cancer, when in fact, he died of complications from heart failure. However, this could just be Chris assuming Bob died of cancer because he had it (at least at one point), and not taking time to look into his actual cause of death.
- Chris told Jackie in an email that he has grown tolerant of the Xbox 360 and respects those who own one, but recently in 2013, Chris went back on his word by defacing a display for the Xbox One at his local Walmart, thus proving that his bizarre hatred for the HEX-BOX is still strong.
- Despite Chris' obvious morbid obesity, he has always lied about his weight, being evasive and giving numbers that are more consistent with his own delusional self image than reality. As early as February 2010, Chris admitted that he had at one point weighed more than 220 pounds. On Facebook on 4 January 2014, he claimed that he weighed only 202 pounds, despite his obvious sagging, triple chin visible in his profile picture. Users of the CWCki forums generally speculated that, based on the photographic evidence, he was probably underestimating his own weight by at least 60 pounds (~27 kilograms).
- When Catherine said no to a relationship with Chris, Chris told her that he was entitled to a relationship. In a later e-mail (presumably after being called on his bullshit), he claimed he said no such thing. On that note, he also publicly referred to her as his "girlfriend" for months, despite Catie saying to him point-blank that their outings were not dates.
- Chris has stated that he has D-cup breasts. Kiwi Farms users have determined that they are actually A-cups.
- Chris did a promotion where if someone sent him a PS4 for his birthday, they would get a $500 coupon for his custom made Sonichu Amiibos. Obviously nobody sent him a PS4, but that didn't stop him from saying someone did. He claims someone named Kagney Lynn bought him the PS4, but closer examination of his Facebook page shows that the details of the order are linked to Fingerhut, the company he bought the PS4 from. This proves he bought the system himself.
- In Cwcville Shopping is on Vacation, Chris lied about his Etsy shop being on vacation, when it had been forcibly closed by Etsy staff, due to repeated complaints that he was not delivering orders. He also lied about working to set up a Zazzle shop; he decided to beg for handouts over the next several months instead.
- Chris lied about seeing a doctor about the Un-clit 2.0 and later about the picture being an elaborate troll.
- Chris continually lied about his "creative groove" being "killed" because Lulu banned him. In reality, he had stopped work on the comic long before that happened, and he had even solved the publisher problem within a month, by sneaking back onto Lulu under an alternate name.
- Mumble Chat #2, ~44 minute mark
- Miyamoto Saga#From Chris to Miyamoto
- Chris's Sonichu IRC Chloe Introduction
- Vivitheg's AIM chat
- Chris E-mails 2008 - "Against me, that page has broken the closest thing I've had to a relationship with Megan Schroeder, who I've finally had at her first time of saying with feeling, 'I Love You' to me, then she found that page and she broke up with me."
- See Captain's Log, Stardate February 18th, 2009 and Captain's Log, Stardate July 29th, 2009.
- Captain's Log, Stardate March 10th, 2009, CWC Address to Unilever About AXE, Don't Trust Any Homos Over There, It's UGH!, CWC "Boyfriend", Bless the Fans, Curse the Trolls
- IRC (20 January 2009) at 21:21
- Kacey Phone Call
- Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke
- Jackie E-mails 11