Mailbag 31

Mailbag 31 was uploaded to the CWCipedia 31 December 2009. On 1 January 2010, Chris answered the questions (which require far less reading) but not the letters. Shortly afterward, CWCipedia was issued cease and desist letters from both Coca-Cola and 20th Century Fox for Chris's unauthorized placement of ads that suggested that Coke and the movie Avatar endorsed his bigoted views.

Chris answered the letters on 4 January. Compared to most other mailbags, his answers were slightly more in depth and vastly more disturbing. The most outlandish response was that he intended to make good on his promise to film his first time, even if his sweetheart disagreed. Chris also stated that he would rather let an innocent man die than have gay sex, implied that he expects God and Jesus to personally inform him whenever he's in error, and told us all that Magi-Chan psychically watches everybody in CWCville have sex, so anybody doing it wrong can be arrested. Worst of all, he stated that the punishment of any sort of sexual violation, including child rape, is a $500 fine! Asperchu makes a special guest appearance, which goes a long way to make the whole ordeal more bearable.

Answered

If your kids are 16 or 17, you should watch porn with them

From: Mike Jackson <mikejackson113@hotmail.com> Hi Chris! I just wanted to let you know that my kids and I are HUGE fans of your comic. I read a page to them every night before their bedtime. But in mailbag 23 you stated that it would be ok for kids to watch adult things with parental supervision. Does this mean that it would be ok for them to watch pornography with me? It's not like I'd be touching them or molesting them. I also wouldn't be jerking off- I just like watching girls & guys get it on with each other. I think it'd be pretty educational for them. They'd get to know where babies come from and I'd get to watch my porn without worrying about them walking in- they'd already be there! As long as I explain it to them, it's ok- right? I started doing this already and my kids haven't complained or anything! I've told all of my fellow fathers about your advice and they've already started doing it as well! Thanks Chris!! Mike

WOAH!!! Slow Down There. I was talking in reference to shows that are Rated TV-14 at the most; I did not mean to include XXX Pornography, or most shows that are Rated TV-MA. Unless they are 16 or 17 years or older, then it would be most Appropriately Educational. I was speaking, of course, in reference to the show, Family Guy, which is Rated TV-14 in the response to past letters. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:24, 5 January 2010 (CET)

Genuinely hand-drawn

From: Kevin Sevakis <kerosenedreams77@gmail.com> Hey, CWC. If you put the words of the comic on the computer, why don't you just color the comic on the computer, too?

Then it would not be Genuinely Hand-Drawn or Hand-Colored; few examples of Fan Art that were Obviously Computer-Drawn are not as good as Original Hand-Drawn/Colored creations.

Blake has a very deep individual

From: kawaiinamine32@aol.com Good day, Mr. Chandler. I have a few questions for you... 1) Seeing one of your answers from Mailbag 19, I have to ask, Do you really think of or see people with Asperger's Syndrome as "Competing Retards"? 2) What the hell is up with Black Sonichu/Blachu/Blake!? (He started out as a badass, now he's just pathetic...) 3) Is Sonichu really aimed towards children? (from all the pages I've read, it would be, at least TV MA...too mature for children.)

Competing, yes; Retards, no. He is not pathetic; he has a very deep individual. Yes, it is meant to be TV-Y7 FOR CHILDREN.

Chris and web design

From: alphard@conexao-br.net Hey, CWC. I've heard that you're pretty good with HTML, so... What do you think about HTML5 and CSS3? Do you often use XHTML? And do you follow the W3C specifications correctly?

I only know basic HTML; the new stuff is NEW to me.

Magi-Chan knows when you fuck

From: hyle.19@gmail.com Dear Chris, Why are homosexual women morally superior to homosexual men? If it is because of the book of Leviticus, would you also support the exile of a couple who have sexual relations while the woman is menstruating? (Leviticus 20:18) Does Cwcville have sex laws? How are these laws enforced? Yours, Caitlin

Cwcville has sex laws; the age of consent is 18, and NO GAY SEX IS ALLOWED WHATSOEVER. These laws are enforced by constant psychic-surveillance by Magi-Chan Sonichu. Should anyone go against these laws, Magi-Chan would know, inform the Police, arrest the individuals, tried and fined HEAVILY; $500 or 50 Hours of Community Service to ANY Sexual Violations; over-18 having sex with under-18, and Any homosexual relations. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:24, 5 January 2010 (CET)

Lies and damned lies

From: Zoie Klaus <gatsbysdeaddream@gmail.com> Dear Chris, Why don't you ever offer well-thought out answers to the questions you are asked? It seems that people put a lot of effort into their questions, but you only spend a minute (or less) answering each. Do you really think that's fair to your fans? It's not like you're very busy or anything, or have thousands of questions to answer. Don't you think you owe your fans a little bit more? -Zoie

I give each letter over 2 minutes of reading, re-reading and thought. Should a letter perplex me heavily, I would give an acceptable reply, granted it being short. But mostly, I go detailed.

In which Chris crosses yet another line

From: Frank Marks <marksizm15@yahoo.com> What if the girl(or guy) you want to take your virginity doesn't want to be videotaped? Not everyone goes for that. And you seem to be more concerned with proving that you're straight than the pleasure you would get from having sex. And you didn't answer that one guy's question about asexual people. Frank Marks

I would use Hidden Cameras and blur out her face. It is very important to me, because I am SICK and TIRED of the Wrongest Mislabelings those damn people dare refer to me and my comics and characters. WE ARE STRAIGHT!!!! I have no objections with asexual, but I do feel pity for those individuals.

The earlier question about asexuality can be found here. Chris altered it the night these answers went up, copy-pasting the answer found here.

Fox news

From: Jorge Lopez <fuzziwuzzi80@yahoo.com> In Mailbag 28, you say you respected Bush because "he made some good decisions." Please elaborate on this. What decisions did he make that you thought were good (and why were they good, in your opinion)?

His Tax Cut program was a good idea; more money for us locals. His No Child Left Behind plan was good too; no child left Uneducated. And he helped the Medicare very well. --ChrisChanSonichu 05:24, 5 January 2010 (CET)

Chris apparently doesn't understand that cutting taxes only benefits those who actually have a job and an income, and makes less money available for his tugboat.

Return of the king

From: Stephen King <king.stephen@windowslive.com> I never wrote a novel called Vertigo. I did write the other novels you mentioned, though. But those were a long time ago. I used to be famous once - not anymore though. My novels don't sell a tenth of the copies they used to. Can't you see that I am desperate? I used to drink and do drugs when I couldn't write. This helped me in the 80s, but I won't do that anymore. I feel like my head is going blank, like there's an empty area where my creativity used to be. Even in the best of times, I was never the greatest writer in the world. You are not the best either. But AT LEAST you have the passion and raw potential. And creativity. I just... don't seem to have that anymore. Funny. I never knew it was there until it was gone. Ideas just used to come to me, you know? Now, no matter how hard I try... nothing. Nothing comes out. I stare at the blank screen for HOURS, and I don't get a single idea. I spend more and more time on the internet. One day, I stumbled upon your site. It was something new and refreshing. I saw that you upload a new page EVERY DAY. I was amazed at such efficiency. You don't know how lucky you are to have so many ideas. I asked you for help, but you gave me skepticism. I shouldn't be surprised though. This has happened to me before. Some time ago, I went into a book store in Australia unannounced, and started signing some of my books. The people there thought I was a VANDAL. Here's a link on the incident: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2007/08/16/2006725.htm I hope you see that I am the true and honest (as you say) Stephen King. God bless, and I wish you all the best. Stephen Edwin King.

Chris added a reply template to this letter, but failed to actually answer it.

Patti dug herself up

From: takemybythehand2@aol.com So is Patti a ghost or a zombie in the comic? because she's dead, yet she's still talking to people, so is she a ghost or zombie?

She is Neither; she is alive and well in Cwcville, VA.

Chris tackles the hard issues

From: jackleapps@aol.com What's your stance on the immigration issues in America?

We are all immigrants from when the settlers first came into what would be the United States of America; I feel the issues are unrequited stressors that we simply do not need at all to fret over.

Rejected Mailbag

In which Chris hypothetically murders someone

From: J D <jdrexcess@gmail.com> Hi Chris, I'm a big fan of your work, and I share your views on homosexuality-- a topic which seems to pop up frequently in the mailbag. A friend of mine recently posed me a moral question, which I thought was pretty interesting: If you could save the life of a person you didn't know by having gay sex, would you do it? It's an interesting moral dilemma. Personally, I couldn't think of anything more repulsive in the world than having gay sex, but to save the life of a random person, I might actually do it. But I haven't quite made up my mind. How would you respond to this question? Would you have gay sex to save someone's life? Of course, this is a hypothetical situation and would probably never happen in real life, but I'm curious as to how you'd deal with it? JD

UGH!!! I would find a way to Trick the other and work around to save the person. NO GAY SEX!!!!!!!!!

Chris does not atone

From: creampie4sonichu@aol.com hello mr chandler my is rufus shinra and me and me fellow gay associates find sonicu to be a BIG testament to the gay community. We just love the way you lace each of your comics with gay tributes and etc. One thing that we really love is how you protray sonichu as a man struggling with his sexuality. On the outside he is "happily" married to rosechu but on the inside he is ready to come out. We have already figure out sonichus secret gay lover is magichan sonichu i mean magichan is purple (one of us gays most fabolous colors) he has no woman and he is mysterious. we can wait till you make sonichu and magichan and offical couple on your pages. Oh yeah me and my friend would like to invite you and another person to our gay club where we are going to have a sonichu theme party. We are going to pay your way here cause it would be a honor to have the man who made sonichu to be here. Who knows you might just find your significant other at this party. Once again thanks for makin sonichu for us gays to enjoy.

YOU ARE IN MAJOR ERROR!!! SONICHU IS STRAIGHT!!! AND MY COMIC SERIES IS A STRAIGHT COMIC SERIES!!! I DO NOT ATONE TO YOUR LETTER AND YOUR MISTAKEN EMOTIONS AT ALL!!! --ChrisChanSonichu 04:08, 5 January 2010 (CET)

God and Jesus have not yet told Chris to give it a rest

From: Trevor Wierzbowski <silentbughunters@yahoo.co.uk> What the hell is with the whole idea of brainwashing homosexuals into being straight? It isn't a choice for them, it's not like they woke up one morning and said "You know what? I feel like bumming a fellow male today and see if I like it!" It's who they are and they can't help that! The whole idea of forcing them into something they are not is just wrong! It would be like if someone rounded up everyone who had any form of autism and put them into a mental institution. What gives you the right to change other people into something they aren't? The hell is wrong with you? -Trevor P.S. You didn't bother answering the part of my previous email which asked you what you would think God and Jesus would think of your death threat to Jack.

I do not personally have the right, but I highly encourage Other People who are able to do that to do that to their fullest power. I have received no opinion on that video from God or Jesus as far as I know.

Asperchu is the shit

From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com> Christian, Thank you for accepting myself as a fellow Titan in the ranks of comic drawing! It is good to know that I have reached the top rank. I am currently in talks with the fellows on the Cartoon Network to possibly do a series of ASPERCHU-based short cartoons (3-5 minutes) that will air during their Adult Swim Broadcast; telling them that you have given me the Blessing as a Professional Artist will speed up the talks most certainly. Thank you as well for providing such a detailed answer to my question. I confess that You have confused me greatly. You say several things that make me wonder what it is you mean, and I would like if you can clarify. For example, You say the sentence "Aspergers supposed being similar to Autism, which although I have accepted that, I still disagree heavily on it being even ASSOCIATED with Autism as a type. Aspergers is NOT a Type Of Autism Whatsoever." Now, in the first part of that sentence, you say that you have accepted that the Aspergers is similar to the Autism, but in the next several words you say that Aspergers is NOT related to Autism. Your sentence has two parts, which each contradict the other. In another part of your response, You say that "I accept no relation between [Asperchu] and my works and characters, and with that I stand behind my statement of and labeling of Asperchu as a Parody." Now, this confuses me because a parody by definition is RELATED to its parent work, as parody is a deliberate imitation of the work on which it is based, yet you say that my ASPERCHU is not at all related to your Sonichu. That is true - My ASPERCHU is in fact my own ORIGINAL creation and not in any way related to your Sonichu. But then only several words after admitting this, you say that you stand behind your belief that ASPERCHU is a parody of Sonichu. I do believe that perhaps you do not have the good understanding of just what a Parody really is, and my attempt to show you through drawing an actual parody page has failed. Please clarify both of these statements, Christian, as as they are now it seems you are trying to have two outcomes that are the Mutually Exclusive be true in each one of them, which of course is not possible. Either Aspergers is related to Autism or it is not (IT IS), and Either ASPERCHU is a Parody of Sonichu or it's not (it is NOT). Also, I do have one last point to query about. You remark that I have made ASPERCHU into a "blatant homosexual male with such drawings of such dictation". I am confused by this, as I have NEVER drawn ASPERCHU to be making any dictations (by which I mean speaking, as that is the definition of the word) about being a homosexual; in fact throughout the Issues of the Comic he has pursued several GAL-PALS to make into a SWEETHEART, which is the heterosexual thing to be doing. In fact, you should read the conclusion of the latest Issue, as he does in fact acquire a sweetheart, the wonderful, caring, sweetest Dixie Chu. Perhaps your critical eye sees something in my Creation that I Myself did not notice putting in there, but to me ASPERCHU has always been a beacon of Heterosexual Virility and Pride. Conversely, you have yourself drawn Sonichu as being of the Homogay persuasion quite frequently, such as whenever Sonichu has intimations with his Boyfriend Rosechu, and also the Most Blatant Example is when you drew that Graphically Hardcore honeymoon comic where you had Sonichu turn blue and make sweet passionate love to that redheaded fellow. So please, be so kind as to explain these quandaries to a wondering mind such as mine. Your Protege and Bestest Joy-Boy, Alec Benson Leary

The drawing Chris refers to.

I have NEVER given you such an Outrageous Blessing to work with Adult Swim. DO NOT DO IT, PERIOD! I was saying that the two, Autism and Aspergers, have Similar Characteristics, but the two are NOT Linked to each other At All and Whatsoever. By the Relation link comment, I meant that I wanted nothing to do with Asperchu. And IT IS A GOD DAMN PARODY; You draw a Look-Alike Sonichu Character with a Look-Alike Sonichu Medallion, and you DRAW your character with a Striped Shirt like the one I draw myself in often, and you draw him with FATTNESS and MANBOOBS!!!! I FIND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT OFFENSIVE AS THEY ARE MOCKERIES TO MY OWN PERSON AND CHARACTERS. AND What about THIS DRAWING? YOU Personally Submitted this drawing, which the original letter FROM YOU is in the Parodies Mailbag, and EVERYTHING WITHIN THIS GOD DAMN DRAWING ONLY MAKES YOUR ASPERCHU A GOD DAMN BLATANT HOMOSEXUAL. You are STILL SO GOD DAMN HOMOSEXUALLY STUPID!!! --ChrisChanSonichu 05:24, 5 January 2010 (CET)

For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 31