Virgin with rage

From CWCki
Revision as of 21:58, 25 September 2013 by Apostrophe (talk | contribs) (Hormonal rage)
Jump to: navigation, search
Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage
Tell me why I so need a cute girl my age
So Need a Cute Girl

Virgin with rage was Chris's description of himself whilst he was still a virgin. Chris claimed that when he was a virgin, his condition engendered frustration and rage.

Chris was very self-conscious about being a virgin, and frequently brought up the subject unprompted, even in casual conversation with people he had only just met. However, after being advised by his parents that it wasn't a good idea to mention that he was a VIRGIN WITH RAGE, he stopped this practice,[1] one of the few times he has learned from his mistakes.

On April 2012, Chris wrote a message to Facebook claiming he had finally lost his hated virginity. It remains yet to be seen whether or not losing it will change anything. (SPOILER: It hasn't.)

Hormonal rage

Chris was extremely distressed about the possibility of being destined to be a virgin forever.

Sometimes I would want to touch her shoulder or back, feel her hair or give her a hug. I hold those urges back, because I care about her. And to keep myself from flying crazily off the handle at a random time, I keep my hormones in check at least twice a week by myself.
Chris on Megan, Story of My Current Days.

Despite his claims that he was "holding back", the emails with Megan paint a different picture, describing instances of him doing exactly what he says he wouldn't, by giving her random and unwanted touches.[2][3]

In another instance, Chris attempted to kiss Emily by surprise, during an unusually generous hug, but she was able to avoid it, and left unscarred.[4]

Likewise, Facebook correspondence between Chris and a young man named Joshua Alba revealed this pearl:

I've thought of a funny message for a Valentine's Day card. On the outside, "Please Be Mine," and on the inside, "My hormones are slam-banging, and I do not have a woman to put them in."

I am not a sex freak; I'm just lonesome and sometimes horny.

Chris, Facebook messages, 10 January 2010.[5]

References by Chris

  • "So Need a Cute Girl", a song which Chris recorded in August 2003, features the first known use of the term "virgin with rage."
  • Chris's letter to Nintendo Power about Sprung from the spring of 2004 concludes, "So thank you, Nintendo and Ubisoft, for the dating advice that this frustrated virgin needed."
  • The first issue of Sonichu's News Dash from 2004 featured Chris's poem "Saddest Heart in the World", where he whines repeatedly about his virginity and repeats some of the lyrics from "So Need a Cute Girl."
  • According to an entry in CWC's Diary from September 2004, Chris told his "Lonesome Virgin story" to a jerkop who interrupted his loitering at the mall.
  • After he lost Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, Chris sent an angry e-mail to Sony, where he announced "YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN BALLZ-BROKEN LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "KICK THE AUTISTIC!" *sigh*"
  • Likewise, his PSN Blog update from after losing the contest includes the line "I am a FRUSTRATED, High-Functionally AUTISTIC, 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN."
  • In Chris's first video address of the post-ED era, Chris Chan's Public Announcement, he doesn't actually come out and bluntly announce that he's a virgin. CWC's Second Message, however, hammers the point home. There, Chris calls himself "the innocent, still 26-year-old virgin."
  • During his IRC fan chat from 26 October 2008, Chris billed his fictitious new girlfriend Chloe as his "VIRGIN-TAKER."
  • Chris's New Year's resolution for 2009, announced on IRC: "Lose my Virginity with a Woman." Like most people's New Year's resolutions, he failed to follow through.
  • While molesting his blow-up doll in the I am devoted to My Sweetest Ivy video from 17 April 2009, Chris says, "Ivy, I promise you, I promise you my undying love and devotion, I promise you my heart, my soul, even my virginity..."
  • Chris's Wikipedia profile from May 2009 includes multiple references to his virginity.
  • In the CWC Trollin More video from 19 July 2009, Chris announced that he was "still a virgin," retracting one of the more obvious lies in the Rollin' and Trollin' video.
  • At the end of CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC, from 9 August 2009, Chris sums up his achievements in life (including his trip to Ohio) and says that "the—only thing—mark that's not been checked yet for a good life is the virgin-breaker."
  • One of Chris's posts on the Adult Swim forums was signed "Lonely Virgin in Virginia, searching for a Sweetheart-Soulmate."
  • In the Common Questions from 15 January 2010, a correspondent asked Chris why he was so fixated on sex. He answered, "Oh, I don't know, how about being a Frustrated Virgin?!"
  • Chris's plea for sex to Damian Antaria, uploaded 14 March 2010, features his standard whine about being "a 28-year-old high-functioning autistic virgin."

No longer a virgin (No word on the rage)

Chris bragging about how he paid for sex.

On 12 April 2012 a leaked Facebook message depicted Chris as having finally lost his virginity. The posting (assuming it is true considering Chris's track record) contains several points highly suggesting that Chris has hired a prostitute:

  • She compared him to the last guy she was with.
  • She told him a blatant lie to make him feel good about himself.
  • Perhaps the most telling of all, Chris said that his eventual 'Sweetheart-to-be' will find out about it, meaning that this was a one night stand.

Roughly a month later, on 1 May, Chris wrote in a Facebook note that his virgin breaker can be found "somewhere on the backpage." This could refer to, a popular classified ads website with a sizable "adult" section, or it could refer to the literal back pages of a weekly newspaper, which are often home to ads for escorts.[6]

Both prostitution and solicitation of prostitution are illegal in Virginia.[7] Therefore, Chris is either lying or has committed yet another crime.


Despite his hopes, losing his virginity does not appear to have made Chris any happier. His Twitter and Facebook updates in the weeks and months since have shown him sliding deeper into depression. An April 2012 Twitter post states, "The virgin-breaker was a Great Milestone for me, and it made me feel more self-confident, but still, it was One thing. I still require my Sweetheart. :_( ...<3"


The CWC-tionary

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Darling | Dating education | Friend Zone | Gal-pal | Heart Level | Homos | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | SLGBTQ | Sweetheart | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | JULAY | Mass debating | Pedofork | Pickle | Recycling | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fuzzy-Wuzzies & Prickly-Wicklies | Honest Content | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Random-access humor | Saga | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl |

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Laughs Under Lucricities | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

Fantasies: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | Fangs | Fourth Wall | Godjesus | OC | Un-clit

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis| Parody | Rosechu | Sonichu | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt

See also: Chris and English | List of phrases Chris copied from media