Mailbag 52

Asperchu ad in response to Chris's bullshit.

Mailbag 52 was uploaded to the CWCipedia on 1 February 2010. Due to the closure of the CWCipedia on 8-14 February, the response to these emails was delayed even more than usual.

Chris introduced a new way of rejecting mail in this mailbag by replying with, "Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts." He copy-pasted this stock response ten times, often in cases in which the writer had no thoughts to be "inputed," such as an automatically-generated form letter, or a letter from a grieving widow.

Other notable responses included Chris telling us that we should take everything he does at face value, and revealing that he stole the whole "dark mirror" story from Sonic Shuffle. He also claimed that he was going to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.

Answered

Chris confuses occupations with character traits

From: Ethan Mittel <msinsineratehymn@yahoo.com> Chris, when a fan stated that the relationship between Simonla and Wild had no depth, you responded: "Wild and Simonla have more than the Opposite Attraction thing going on, if you RECALL from the "Dating Education" episode, they were IN THE SAME CLASS; They were Fatedly Paired Up for the Instant Message Sessions, and it was Love At First Sight after Realization. THERE IS DEPTH BETWEEN WILD SONICHU AND SIMONLA ROSECHU." I'm sorry, but being in the same class, instant message sessions, and having "love at first site" is not depth. If you were to have read anything other than Goosebumps, you would know what character depth is. You're going to have to give more adequate reasons as to why Simonla and Wild are together, because it's obvious to anyone that Evan doesn't like the fact that you defiantly keep Simonla in your comic and the only reason you can give for keeping her in there is to be a part of a shallow relationship.

Wild is a carpenter; Simonla is a Constructor, so they can build/rebuild full houses/buildings with furnishings together. And they both knew that they were just meant to be together. Take it at face value.

Chris reads a letter!

From: silentanderson@hotmail.com Chris, I am thoroughly convinced that you have gone completely mad. Issue ten is all about you exacting revenge on everyone who has ever angered you in even the slightest way. Moreover, you portray yourself and Sonichu as God and Jesus like figures. You claim to be his servant and to not expect such treatment, but then in your mailbags you still act as though you have a god complex. And your comments on homosexuals are bigoted and offensive. You want them to die in explosions? You want a "vaccine" for them just because they tick you off? You always do this, insulting gays and then backpedaling and apologizing just because fans get offended, and quite frankly, I'm not going to buy it anymore. You are a gay hater, and I cannot support you anymore. Alec never treats gays like that in his Asperchu comics, he treats them as equals because they too, are just normal people like you or me. Your comic may have come first, but that doesn't make it better. Alec has improved on your ideas with his more progressive Asperchu series. I'm never letting my daughter read your comics again, she was heartbroken at first because she was your biggest fan, but after I showed her Asperchu, she fell in love with his touching story. I don't care if you have "suffered" more than Alec has because that doesn't make your comic better. That just shows you only want people to read Sonichu out of pity for you. I hope God hasn't given up on you because I certainly have.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

Chris reads another letter! Yay!

The poll in question. Public opinion is fun!

From: Hamsty the Hamster <hamstythehamster@gmail.com> Okay seriously bro, you gotta just face facts here. Numbers don't god damn lie here. You need to kick up your fucking act. I told you this at least 50 times already but you seem to just ignore me. Don't try to fudge the numbers. Look at these polls, I mean come the fuck on. You claim to have over a million fans but they seem to not give a shit about you if that's what you're saying.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

Chris discusses his inspirations, and... huh?

From: Evan George <evang7@gmail.com> YOU are the crappy copier. You've been ripping me off since 2007 when you STOLE my drawing of the Ghost Buggy for your Family Guy skitch. And THEN, not only did you steal my Simonchu and give him a CHINA, you never even CREDITED me for the character, you plagiarist. You are a PHONY. You WISH you were me and that you had all my Originality. What's next? Steal my Shaqchu and make Juwanna Mannchu from him? Maybe turn my Niachu into a Niolochu? You are VILE. Realize the extent of my G.D.E. Powers and Remove the slanderous mockeries of my characters. Oh wait, you can't, because my lawyers have already sent the cease and decist. Say goodbye to your CRAPPY, CRAYON-SCRAWLED ART with NO SENSE OF PROPORTION. The Simonchu in your Haiti image was a caught-in-the-wild one anyway, I don't get why you even bothered including it. He can't even speak Human. We're Keeping Track.

I drew the Ghost Buggy first; you know that. Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

Guys? There's a pattern emerging here.

From: Who Cares <thegoddambatman416@gmail.com> Goddamnit Chris. I'm a longtime fan, I've been with you since your first fucking site, and I'm getting pissed at the way you're treating longtime fans like me. Yeah, I can accept that you want us to go out and do things for you, like take down the ED page (ED's a festering shit-pile of unfunniness by any rate), but you've CROSSED THE FUCKING RUBICON. The way you edit legitimate questions out of your mailbags is pathetic. And your actual responses, too: Sonichu's good because "It just is"? What the fuck kind of answer is that? YOU NEED A BETTER REASON, CHRIS. You know what else? Those one billion fans you thought you had? They're rushing away, every fucking day. Your inability to give a shit about us is what's crippling you, Chris. WE ARE THE FANS. WE ARE IN CONTROL. NOT YOU. You can be the "Great Director" all you want, but without fans, you'll be back to square one, with nobody, and I mean nobody, giving a shit about your comic. Say what you will about Alec; at least he's humble.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

If Less is More, why can't More be Less?

From: false <swhoosh986@yahoo.com> Dear Chris, A few of my friends who read Asperchu have been saying that the way you've been closing out plot lines lately means you're going to end the Sonichu comic series. Is this true and if it is, what will you do then? P.S. I like your comics, but am a much bigger fan of your unconventional freestyle rapping. Ipods Down and Listen Up was the bomb.

That is not true; I am only closing plot lines pertaining to ME alone, so I can appear LESS often in the pages for books 11 and beyond. The comic series will continue very strongly. --ChrisChanSonichu 02:21, 15 February 2010 (CET)

Autocracy is a guarantee of efficiently priorized legislation process

Criminal actions!

From: khorne666@yahoo.com Dear Chris Chan, Greetings from Australia, my name is Kurt and I run the largest Sonichu fan club in Australia, we have almost 12 members now! Here in Australia we have a problem, which we think you could solve, In cwcville, would public milking of goats be illegal? recently the government has banned this here, among other things attached is a photo for reference, your greatest fan downunder Kurt

Actually, I am inclined to agree with that law; milking of animals are best left in the privacy of a farm with a barn. Public milking of animals within the city is illegal in Cwcville. Thank you for bringing that up.

The comic is obviously still perfect

From: criticalmass82@aol.com Christian, My name is Ian and I have been reading your comics for quite some time and I have some constructive criticism for you. Don't get angry, I'm only trying to help Sonichu be the best it can be. The biggest thing would be the drawings. No offense, but they are bad. It is really hard to tell what things are some times, there is very little definition, you can't seem to draw elbows correctly, and you don't seem to have scale down very well. There is one drawing where Sonichu is carrying Rosechu and it looks like he is 10 feet tall carrying a 4 foot tall person. My question on your art is, are you physically handicapped at all? Are your hands deformed or do you have poor control over your fine motor skills? Have you ever considered hiring a free lance artist to do the drawings for you so they would look professional instead of something a 8 year old with Downs Syndrome would scribble in his coloring book? Second, the stories suck man. You don't seem to have any concept of keeping continuity or story arcs correct. Like when CWC's sister is trapped in limbo and CWC needed to track down the Chaos Emeralds, but then CWC turns into Colossal Chris he simply, and anti-climatically, opens a magical doorway and pulls her out. Why? You would have had so many opportunities for adventure and excitement if you had started a quest to get the Emeralds. Also, the dialog. Dude, what the heck is up with all the rambling monologues confusing speech? Have you considered hiring a ghost writer to help you with your story lines, making the dialog more straightforward and exciting to read? And finally, your characters are really two-dimensional and bland. They have no personality. Honestly they seem like the same exact character, with the same exact way of talking, but with different colors and slightly different powers. Maybe the ghost writer you hire could help you develop your characters and give them more depth? Perhaps you could have Alec Benson Leary help you out with the writing and stories? His comics are very rich and exciting with lots of humor and excitement and very well thought out. I know he looks up to you so he would probably be willing to do it. One last note, I think you need to get rid of Simonlia Rosechu. She's boring and very unpleasant to look at. Have a nice day Chris.

To answer your questions, 1) I am NOT Physically Handicapped. 2) They are Chaotic (Sonichu Ball) Crystals; NOT Chaos Emeralds; BIG Difference. The entrance and escape from mirror worlds has been done before; have you seen the conclusion to Sega Dreamcast's Sonic Shuffle Story? 3) It's called Freedom of Speech. 4) I do not wish to hire a Ghost Writer, because he/she may mess with it and distort the story. 5) They have their own Personalities; take a deeper look. 6) I would rather eat 10 dung beetles than let Alec even TOUCH Digital or Regular Pen, Paint, Marker or Pencil on any of MY pages. --ChrisChanSonichu 02:21, 15 February 2010 (CET)

Chris flaunts his inputation fetish

From: pickersss@post.com I saw your Mailbag 50, and I had a good laugh. It's funny knowing that you sat in your room writing up fake complimentary fan letters, because you never get them in reality. Nobody will ever send you letters like that, and it's your fault that they don't for making such a crummy comic and being such a horrible, stupid manbaby. Grow up.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

What is "inputing" anyway? A synonym for "ignoring"?

From: dontcallmeshirlie@cheerful.com You want to apologize to your fans, to make things right, but unfortunately, your words are empty and meaningless to us. You've lied to us before. You lied about Rosechu's tail (it was originally pointed; us long-time fans know this). You lied about posting a new comic every day (which you promised us fans you would do). You lied about finishing the Christmas story. You lied about Ivy being your God chosen heartsweet (which really hurts me, since I'm a Christian, and it makes God look bad). You lied about Simonla. You lied about making the Sonichu games happen. You lie and you lie and you lie and you lie, yet you expect us to just trust you. We are not stupid. We are not autistic. We know better, and you have lost our trust with your history of lies. To make it up to us, you're going to have to do better than apologize. You're going to have to give us what we want in order for us to forgive you. And what do we fans want? First, we'd like to elect our new mayor. With you stepping down at the end of this comic (another thing you've promised), it's the perfect time. We loyal fans have been citizens of Cwcville for nearly decade, and we deserve to have our voices heard. Have the CWCipedia sysop hold an election on-line. Second, we want to see daily updates. Once a day, seven days a week. None of this "well, I drew the comic, but I won't upload it until later" phooey. Third, no more lying. There's no such thing as a little white lie, and they all pile up against you until the people around you can't trust you any more. Honestly, I've been a fan since the start, but now I can't even watch a Youtube video by you or read anything you write without thinking I'm being lied to, and it hurts, because it's disrespectful to lie to people. Fourth, no more fan service. No more Rosechu panties. No more sex scenes. I asked the other fans, and none of us appreciate it. Plus, it isn't TV-Y7. The last time I saw a panty shot in your comic, I vomited on my keyboard. I'm not attracted to animal people, and none of your fans are, so stop that nonsense for us. Fifth, cut down the cast. You're taking a step in the right direction by removing yourself from the comic (if that isn't another lie), but there are still too many chiefs and not enough injuns. The Sonichu Comic should be about Sonichu. Not Wild Sonichu. Not Punchy. Not Blake. Just Sonichu. It's okay if they cameo from time to time, but they should never be the main focus, even for a second. The best solution is to kill off some of the characters, or at least retire them from the comic as well. Sixth, respect other artists. Simonla isn't your creation. Evan created Simonchu/Simonla. Evan no longer wants you using that character, and you should respect his wishes. Otherwise, you can't expect others artists (like Alec) to respect you, nor can you really expect respect from your fans. Seventh, never insult our intelligences again by creating fake emails like you did in mailbag 50 ever again. You're a naive fool if you think anyone would buy those as real emails. These are seven things you could easily do to regain your true fans, which you've lost. If you cannot do them, then consider I and the last few true Sonichu fans lost. Your fan level is currently shattered at 1%. I've given you the seven tools to restore it, but it's up to you to take this advice. Please do.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

This, if anything, requires a canned response

Requiescat in pace

From: Mike Jackson <mikejackson113@hotmail.com> Christopher Weston Chandler, I am writing on behalf of my husband, Mike. Sadly Mike passed away earlier this morning around midnight. He was found slumped over in his chair with a bottle of alcohol and a mostly empty bottle of ambien. Until we have the autopsy on Monday, there is no way of knowing if this is suicide or if it was accidental. I am putting my husband's affairs in order, one of which was you. I am tempted to scream at you and call you all sorts of names as I feel that YOU are the reason Mike committed suicide. One look at your filthy little page shows me that you've driven more than one person to suicide. He reached out to you in a moment of trouble and you were too busy to help him, despite your promises to. But that would not have made Mike happy. Mike was a good honest soul who truly believed the best of everyone. He would have been happy to know that our son has come home, although it is on a sad note. I had managed to get in contact with him shortly after I found his father's still and cold body in the living room. His wife Debbie has been an unexpected stronghold of compassion during this time and I'm truly sorry that Mike never got a chance to really know her. Because Mike thought so highly of you, I am letting you know of his passing and I am letting you see his obituary. But rest assured, none of my children NOR their friends will EVER visit your site again. They may visit Asperchu's site, but never yours. I will never be able to forgive you for ruining our family's life forever. Marie Jackson http://www.christianmemorials.com/tributes/mike-jackson/

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

In Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8, Chris revealed that he didn't remember who Mike was, nor did he even look at Mike's obituary.

...yeah, it's probably supposed to be "ignoring"

From: Alec-chan Asperchu <albasperchu@live.com> Christian Weston Chandler. I have tried to come to a reasonable compromise with you, but to no avail. You refuse all attempts I make to have a serious discussion with you (I suggest that you take me more seriously when I try to talk to you from now on, because I am losing interest in holding back Evan's wrath). So I have no choice but to return to your mailbag, full of CENSORSHIP and LIES though I know it to be. Although you probably won't read this because it is too difficult to Comprehend, perhaps your readers will find some value in it. Let us take an examination of your Ten Reasons, and then I will submit my own Ten Reasons (As I received the same request for them as you). "1) Because my Sonichu Comics are THE Original." Are they now? How can you say Sonichu is THE original when you PLAGIARIZE ideas and characters from NINTENDO, SEGA, HASBRO, SETH MCFARLANE, and all the other ORIGINAL creators. Considering how much STRESS these questions give you, I do not know Why you do not simply show why writing Meg into your story is a FILTHY PARODY of the kind you DESPISE. "2) Alec admits he got HIS ideas from MY Characters and Comics." See above. You got YOUR ideas from NINTENDO'S Pikachu and SEGA's Sonic the Hedgehog. Also, as we discussed, EVAN WANTS HIS SIMONCHU, AND ALL DERIVATIVE CHARACTERS, OUT OF YOUR COMIC. You are using them to SPITE Evan, you TROLL. "3) Sonichu has been around for ALMOST Ten Years Now; Asperchu has been around only a few months." ASPERCHU has been around exactly 59 days as of this writing, and I completed my first issue within the first 7 days of that. You have been around ten years, yet it took you the first FIVE YEARS of that to complete your FIRST issue. Judging by ratios alone, ASPERCHU is better. "4) I do not draw gore, and I rarely draw nudity or references, so you are less likely to feel queasy in comparison." I would perhaps submit some of my fan letters to show how much fans love my artwork, but you can read all about it in my mailbags anyway, which you obviously don't do. "5) It is a Straight-Oriented Comic Series." Which alienates your gay fans. Having no such rigid boundaries in my comic allows people of ALL orientations to find something they like in ASPERCHU. "6) Some of the events around ME were based from My Real-Life Expierences." So not only do you plagiarize other creators, you plagiarize your OWN LIFE? ASPERCHU contains ORIGINAL plotlines. "7) I have suffered more than Alec has as an individual in life." So readers should give you pity-fame? I don't use my condition as a crutch to gain sympathy; I rely on my good artwork and storytelling alone to bring in fans. "8) I've had to work a lot harder in life to cope with those trials and tortures." Once again, you fail to talk about anything but YOURSELF, even when you are asked to speak of something else (Just like your unsatisfactory "apology" video, most of which you spent demanding unwarranted concessions from me rather than apologizing for your atrocious behavior). The question was about why SONICHU IS A BETTER COMIC THAN ASPERCHU, not why YOU DESERVE MORE PITY THAN ME. Although I'll grant you that one, you do deserve pity. But I am the one who deserves fans. I keep ASPERCHU, about ASPERCHU. I do NOT use myself as a surrogate character within its pages. If people want to hear about my problems, such as the trolling I receive from YOU, they are free to ask me; when they read my comic, they just want an entertaining story. "9) The comic pages are ALL Originally Hand-Drawn; ONLY the text gets fixed in photoshop for better reading." So you ignored me when I told you my works are hand-drawn as well? This point too is void. "10)I have had way over a million fans worldwide since I went online in before 2000." I have, as of this morning, just broken 21,000 fans. If this rate keeps up, I will surpass one million fans in less than eight years, not ten. But the rate won't keep up, it will actually increase. In a few short MONTHS, ASPERCHU has achieved a popularity on par with, then EXCEEDING Sonichu itself. Now for my own TEN REASONS, which will mirror yours: 1.) ASPERCHU is THE original Electric-Aspergers Hedgehog. 2.) I got my ideas from ME. You won't find MY comic littered with stolen Transformers characters, personality-lacking hedgehog recolors, and out-of-context Family Guy jokes. 3.) ASPERCHU features heartbreaking themes. The good guys don't always win perfectly, and the bad guys don't always get defeated. It's that suspense of never knowing what's around the corner that makes a good story. 4.) I include my fans in the creative process. When a fan sends their idea and requests I use it, I make a full effort to do so. What the fans want is what they get. 5.) ASPERCHU includes peoples of all races, ethnicities, creeds, and orientations. Even if I had some reason to be offended by the harmless existence of gays, which I DON'T, I would not exclude them from being a part of the ASPERCHU Experience. 6.) Rather than using my own boring life experiences as direct storylines, I create ORIGINAL stories to grip and hold the reader's attention. I do NOT use my comic as a vehicle to gain pity and sympathy from people who expect a comic to entertain them. 7.) ASPERCHU is ALWAYS on time. Nary a day has passed without updates, because I understand that Fans will feel unappreciated if they are not given consistency. 8.) ASPERCHU is painstakingly drawn to be a good work of art. Whenever I make a mistake, I spend good time and energy in Photoshop to correct it and make it easier for the viewer to understand my artistic emphasis, as well as just easier on the eyes. (All those smudgemarks and marker streaks just look unprofessional, I find.) 9.) I'll say it once again, because it is such an important point... ASPERCHU is ALWAYS, ALWAYS on time. Since ASPERCHU is my SERIOUS FRANCHISE, I don't let silly things like being TIRED or STRESSED get in the way of uploading new pages. 10.) ASPERCHU brings love to people, rather than hate and trolling.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

Yet more inputs

From: Jess Skelton <untcatisfinetoo@gmail.com> I just watched your "apology" video and I have to say I'm once again taken aback by your selfishness. You lost. Alec won. You know it. Even your voice in the video has a defeated tone to it. You just made this half-assed apology because you wanted something, not because your genuinely sorry for acting like a jerk. That's the only reason you ever apologize for anything. It's pathetic really, and only makes more people flock to Alec's Asperchu. And your attempt to be nicer in the mailbag is laughable. In one email you told someone your a loving and caring individual. Then like two letters down, you told all gays to die in an explosion. Do you even know hypocrite means? Here this might help; Hypocrite Noun 1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs. 2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements. Those two definitions describe you almost perfectly. Just because you don't want to believe it doesn't mean isn't true. One last thing. Numerous times you've stated that you have to try to be straight. Does this imply that you have trouble with being a heterosexual? You also tell people to stay on the straight path. The thing is Chris, true and honest heterosexuals don't fall off the straight path. They don't have to try to be straight. Sometimes people pretend to be straight because that's what their parents and community expects of them (i.e. hypocrites). I expect your probably one of those people, since you've openly admitted having to work at being a heterosexual.

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

The what friend?

From: handsomeboy@newsrap.com Valentine's Day is just around the corner. What are you plans?

Spend time with my girl friend.

Master of diplomacy at work

From: Thessaloniki M. <thessaloniki.tan@gmail.com> Hello there, Christian. I have a few questions: 1. I see that at one point in your blog, you told Jack Thaddeus to "Go Into F***ing Scientology". What are your opinions on Scientology, if I may ask? You obviously disapprove of it, but is there anything else you have to say about it? Also, did you know that "homos" are considered evil in Scientology? 2. In Oman, there are laws against ugliness (such as unpainted buildings and dirty cars) that causes the sultan stress. Does CWCville have any such laws? Regards, Thessaloniki

1) I do not disapprove of Scientology, yet I do not agree with it either. 2) No.

A small fault in the fan's plan?

Cool story, bro.

From: Sean Watley <seanawatley@gmail.com> Chris, I think I've solved all your problems with Rosechu looking a guy. Why not have Rosechu get hit with another magical rainbow or something and turn into my totally original and unstolen character, Brosechu? He enjoys keg parties, beer pong, Family Guy, pot, hanging out with his bros and having sex with girls he meets at keg parties. Seriously I thought this up in about five minutes and he's already a richer, more interesting character than Rosechu. Have a Nice Day, Sean Watley

Rosechu is a WOMAN.

Further proof of Chris's originality and mastery over continuity

From: Evan George <evang7@gmail.com> What happened to ScotPalazzo? All the jerkops got cured, but what of the Manajerks? Will Trebor Capman (Accomplice) ever get his? Also, why did Sonichu leave Darkbind and Zelina to be brutally maimed by Clawdoef for the sake of flying to Minnesota and settling a really petty grudge? See, when I introduce characters in my comic I actually use them and remember to resolve all their plotlines. Still Keeping Track.

1) They were all cured. 2) That is Not the Case; Darkbind and Zelina will be fighting Clawdorf with great sword and bow/arrow battles.

Automated Message vs. Canned Reply: Battle of The Champions

From: Mrs. Jackson <mikejackson113@hotmail.com> You have been sent the following message from Mrs. Jackson (mikejackson113@hotmail.com) Mrs. Jackson wrote: You are invited to visit the Online Obituary of Mike Jackson at Christian Memorials. To visit this Web site, open your browser and go to: http://www.christianmemorials.com/tributes/mike-jackson/ Your PASSWORD: anime1 ... create memorial Web sites, featuring tribute photograph online guestbook, visitor flowers & candles photo albums, video and audio clips build family tree and life timeline mutiple tribute pages (i.e. family, education, travel) background graphics and music, online journal receive sympathy eCards and private messages from visitors To trial a memorial account today, click the following link: http://www.christianmemorials.com/memorials/signup.asp

Your letter has been read fully, and your thoughts have been inputed and accepted for better improvement. Thank you for your time and efforts.

And finally, insight on sports

Good straight fun!

From: Billy Herrington <broaniki@gmail.com> Hello again Chris, To answer your question, a wife beater is a nickname of a sleeveless shirt worn by athletes. I thought someone that was as pumped up as you would know such a thing. But I have a new question for you, what is your favorite sport? Mine is wrestling. I have attached a new drawing of you and Asperchu in a friendly match of wrestling. Take care, Billy Herrington

Basketball.

For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 52