Sonichu 4
A comic of just subepisodes about Chris's love quest and other shit nobody cares about. Chris's narcissism is in full bloom here.
Features
Sub-Episode 1: Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-tastropie"
Main article: Sub-Episode 1
The Jerkhief accuses Christian of solicitation, forcing Chris to transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu and defend himself with the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha.
Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"
Main article: Sub-Episode 2
Christian meets Hanna, who asks him out for coffee. While planning his wedding, Chris learns from Rosechu that Hanna is trolling him.
Sub-Episode 3: Christian Chandler & Sonichu in "Witch Confront"
Main article: Sub-Episode 3
Christian attacks Mary Lee Walsh, but she overpowers him and Sonichu (in a rare cameo) has to bail his ass out.
Sub-Episode 4: Christian Chandler in "McAttack"
Main article: Sub-Episode 4
Christian loiters at a McDonald's so long that he is attacked by no less than three manajerks.
Sub-Episode 5: Christian Chandler in "McAttack part 2"
Continuing from Sub-Episode 4, the W-M-Manajerk immediately blasts Chris into a soda fountain, drenching him with cola. In an unprecedented moment, Chris decides that he will need to bathe, and takes a "CWC" shower that lasts exactly three seconds. (He seems to think this is impressive.) Christian charges W-M, but he catches our hero and holds him high in the air. Just as Chris is wondering if anything can defeat W-M-Manajerk, his ancestor appears before him with advice concerning Chris's Heart Torch:
| “ | ...combined with your powers, you can use it to summon your dream sibling! She will be able to help you, much better than your mother even! Farewell, Chris! | ” |
Christian realizes that his ancestor is referring to the twin sister he has dreamt of having and has depicted in his shitty homemade Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Emulating Wild Sonichu's power of growth, Chris momentarily grows so large that he breaks loos of the Manajerk's grip, and lands on the opposite side of the restaurant from his Hearth Torch. Dashing past enemy fire, he retreives the totem, and summons Crystal Weston Chandler into reality. Seeing that Crystal has a Rosechu medallion, Chris realizes that she possesses the same anchuent powers as he does, and they transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu and Crystalina Rosechu.
Together they assault the W-M-Manajerk with Mirror Coat, Reflect, and Double Corkscrew Kick. Once he is down, they finish the job by combining Chris-Chan's Curse-ye-ha-me-ha and Crystalina's Shocking Tiara Magic to decapitate him. It is only after the separate W-M-Manajerk's head from his body that they realize he can survive in this state, suggesting that the twins' intent was to murder him. While B-Manajerk and Merried Seinor Comic decide they should retreat, W-M-Manajerk confesses that he is from the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens and that he was sent by Mary Lee Walsh. Christian and Crystal decide to punt the disembodied head all the way back to PVCC, where it strikes Walsh on the head, knocking her unconscious.
Sub-Episode 6: "Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari"
Christian presents a documentary on the various jerkops he has encountered during his Love Quest, with a profile on the Jerkhief.
He then relates an incident in which he was hanging out with his gal pals when a "tribe of Jerkops," led by the Jerkhief. In the story Chris stands his ground; however, the battle is interrupted by Crystal, emerging from a changing room in a new outfit. With the jerkops dazed by her ravishing beauty, Chris gets an idea to channel Magi-Chan's powers to psychically disarm all the jerkops and arrange them like bowling pins, so that he can use the Jerkhief like a bowling ball. But first he makes a long, boring speech:
| “ | You're not getting to me; no matter what you may try in attempt or threat, I will hang out wherever I want, when I want, and how I want! And I will never quit in my search for a Boyfriend-Free Girl either! So, all you Jerkops may as well go back to the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens, and tell Mary Lee Walsh that if she is still intent on shattering my heart again, she can't! My heart is indestructable, and the more you haze me, I will grow stronger. Beware, eve for in the name of my heart, soul and Love Quest, I will punish you! | ” |
Chris concludes his documentary by explaining how the Jerkops use a hypno-gun to brainwash slow-minded persons to their cause, thereby replenishing their numbers. While watching the conclusion of the program, Scotpalazzo decides to order more jerkops from PVCC to oppose Christian.
Sub-Episode 7: Christian Chandler in "Off-Target"
A flashback reveals how Christian and Saramah Rosechu defeated Mary Lee Walsh some months ago; Graduon vows to destroy Christian with the strongest, most evil villain ever.
In the present day, Walsh and Graduon give Bagget his first assignment, to attack Christian at the Get-Tar Region. Using a squad of jerkops and his Change-Bot Crackder, Bagget defeats Chris. Bagget's success is less a matter of his superior skill or strategy than the fact that for once no one arrives in the nick of time to rescue Chris--Crystal is unable to fight through the crowd of shoppers to help. In the cliffhanger, Crackder drops Chris from an astonishing height of at least ten feet.
Sub-Episode 8: Christian Chandler in "Off-Target part 2"
Continuing from Sub-Episode 7, Chris's fall is broken by one of Crystal's telekinetic powers. The jerkops decide to dog-pile on Chris, hogtying him and going out of their way to give him severe carpet burns on his face. As Crystal watches on, inexplicably helpless to act, Chris is ferried away by Crackder to PVCC, marking the first time the villains have ever actually subdued and captured him.
While Crystal tracks Bagget as Crystalina Rosechu, Chris is presented before Mary Lee Walsh, hogtied on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth. After pointlessly re-enacting the trial scene from Transformers: The Movie, Walsh and the Jerkhief drop Chris in a vat of indeterminate liquid. Chris is finally rescued by Crystalina, who saves him from falling into...something, and battles Walsh's forces singlehandedly. Without the power to help his sister, Christian experiences another vision of his ancestor, who offers words of encouragement to re-energize him. Finally able to transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu, Chris and his sister form up as Chrs-Chan Pure and use the Chrs-Chan Pure Pulse-Jolt Lance to destroy the crystal ball maintaining Walsh's control of PVCC. Walsh and Graduon escape to Manchester High School to rebuild their power base.
Extra
- Awful hand-drawn MySpace from Sonichu #3 recycled.
- Hand-drawn advert for Axe deodorant.
Links