Emails

This page covers miscellaneous emails exchanged between Christian Weston Chandler and others.

Chris

2004-2006

Main article: Chris E-mails 2004-2006

February 2004

An email is sent to Mary Lee Walsh, which does a magnificent job of showcasing Chris's humongous ego. Chris tells Mary that in exchange for killing any meeting between the two and the continued distribuftion of Sonichu News Dash, he will stop note-hanging and find more respect for both Mary and another administrator, Susan Hannifan. Mary ignores his requests, stressing the importance of a meeting. The meeting occurred on 9 February.

October 2005

Nintendo sends a form letter to Chris after he asks them to employ him so he can get paid to play test video games from home.

“

If you haven't already done so, you can sign-up for a My Nintendo membership...

”

September 2006

Chris sends Anna an email containing a eulogy to Patti. Strangely, picking up her litter, giving her a Bally Scratch, and feeding her are lovely memories.

2007

Main article: Chris E-mails 2007

February

An email addressed to one of his old teachers, Mrs. Sanford. It talks about the people in the class, the PVCC incident, his first meeting with Megan, a DVD, and Sonichu. Thus begins the Megan Saga...

March

Chris touches base with his brother and Cole sheds some light on his relationship (or lack thereof) with Barb and his stepfather, Bob.

“

I really don't give a fuck about her or about her fucking lies..

”

July

Chris asks someone named Susan Hannifan to vote for his PaRappa the Rapper contest entry. She says she will.

In another e-mail, Chris calls in a favor from Cole, requesting that he vote for his PaRappa the Rapper contest entry. Cole asks him to first convince Barb to tell him the identity of his biological father. This chore is begrudgingly carried through, with minimal effort of course. Cole is never given the true identity of his biological father, and Chris never receives his vote.

August

Chris rages at Sony about him losing the contest, and reveals that the only reason he wanted to win was because he wanted to have sex with Megan. She would have said no either way. He also lists all the reasons the other videos cheated. He, of course, does not mention that he voted for himself many, many, many times. He then says that he was just depressed, not to make up for the raging, but so he could still collect the prizes. Sony sends him a form letter.

November

The shit hits the fan. Chris is informed that somebody is pretending to be a girl to get some nudes of him. He doesn't listen. Chris emails Anna, telling her about the terrible things ED has done. She tells him to sue them. Chris tells her that it's just some guy with some time on his hands (Which is the first time he has actually seen a troll as just a guy) and then tells her about Joshua Martinez and how Megan broke up with him (when they were not in a relationship.) and says he's met someone named Lori Lopez. Matthew Kelly tells Chris he can't use Sonichu, because it's Matt's character. Chris doesn't respond.

2008

Main article: Chris E-mails 2008

January

Chris tells Anna about ED, and asks her if the Tale of the Crazy Pacer was really written by her.

March

Chris tells Anna how to edit ED. He also emails WikiMedia, asking them how to Edit Lock the ED page. They tell him that they are not in control of it.

June

Chris asks a man named Tyler Wayne to give Megan a present that he was unable to give due to Michael Snyder. Tyler tells him to arrange a meeting with her elsewhere, and give it to her then. A white knight tries in vain to get through to Chris on many matters: Blaming Autism on everything; the love quest; the Attraction Sign; his wardrobe; the Medallion of Fail; and MySpace.

July

Apparently the only thing that keeps Chris sane is video games. This is not surprising.

Chris's deepest desire?

August

Chris thinks Fox News will actually care enough about him that they'll attempt to take down the ED page. He also believes that Reporters = FBI agents. He asks his Reverend to help him verify the identity of the women he meets online. He sends another email to Robert Simmons V. He talks about how ED is losing its power (apparently) and about how Meg from Family Guy is, in his eyes, pretty. Meg is meant to be an ugly character, but Chris can't catch on to this. He sends yet another Email. this time to Kathleen Nicole Wallace, who he believes, using his amazing Autism logic, had sex with Jason Kendrick Howell, and since she's seventeen, this means that Jason is a pedofork. It should be noted that in certain states of America, the age of consent is 16, and that the only reason he thinks they had sex was because they were in a relationship.

September

Chris claims to his Reverend that he has repented after being trolled by Blanca; in response, she sets him up with Rocky Shoemaker. Somebody has stolen Chris's YouTube account, and a troll seems to forget how YouTube messaging works and ends up revealing to Chris this fact.

2013

May

Someone under the name mormonjesus dropped the following email in a rizon IRC channel. Its authenticity is not established, but it seems reminiscent of Chris' writing.

Hey, Kim. I have just read over some of the webpage Phil relayed to me. I must admit, and Amy is welcome to read this as well, it took me by surprise seeing the words "Magick" and "Pagan" in this religion(?).

I like magic(k). I have fully accepted Jesus as my savior. And my mother, father, and what I've hear on television, all have informed me about heaven, hell, that the best way to live is as one does without much regret or with moderate acceptance and happiness. And that "God" is within all of us, as energy and direction. And in the end, we all believe in the same God(ess). Yet also, if God is supposed to love us all, why does he let me continue to have a Lot of downs in my life? I often feel temptation towards destroying the Lego Minifigure I have made in an image of God, or otherwise just torturing it. I admit, I am not perfect.

But I prattle or digress.

So, all things considered, Amy, I will be most willing to try your way on, and see how I feel fully about it after. The way I figure it, at least I can still go to my church regardless.  :)

Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Christian W. Chandler

Megan

2005-2006

Main article: Megan Emails, 2005-2006

November 2005

Megan sends an email to Chris about getting her a Tintin video. This is the first documented Megan email.

"When you said we had a lot in common like Sailormoon and My Little Pony, well who Loved Sailormoon first?"

December 2005

Chris tells Megan he'd like to go out with her to McDonald's before thanking her for pictures she sent him. Megan responds with an email asking him to stop trying to kiss her.

May 2006

Chris asks Megan for her number after telling her he's going to send her pictures of his stuff.

June 2006

Megan sends Chris two emails: one regarding the photos he sent her, and another telling him once again that she would like him to stop trying to make unwanted advances to her.

July 2006

Megan sends Chris more mixed signals in an email, saying she believes he copies her art and her interests.

August 2006

Megan sends the controversial email containing the ever-famous quote:

“

If I was an ugly girl, you wouldn't even come near me would you?

”

2007

Main article: Megan Emails, Jan-July 2007

March

Chris sends Megan an apology about his recent behavior via email. Megan completely ignores the apology, starting on a different subject matter: how he portrays her characters. She then requests he stop drawing them with human-like characteristics.

April

Megan adds one more email to the "Stop Fucking Touching Me" collection, filled with complaints of his lack of personal space and her lack for needing money.

May

Chris introduces the legendary Soul Calibur video, along with some shitty poem about game consoles.

June

Chris emails Megan while she's in Kentucky about video games. A day later, he mourns the 1 year anniversary of Patti's death.

July

Chris sends Megan, who is still on vacation, a series of emails about various subject matter, including Pokemon League, Transformers, his gunky ear and a long list of shit nobody cares about.

Main article: Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007

August

Megan finally responds to his earlier emails, going on a well-reasoned rant:

“

With all that said, we're down to two options: A: We remain friends and ONLY friends period. As in no more touching me, following me, asking me personal questions, and giving me things. We can still battle and trade cards and talk. -or- B: Never see me again

”

After this, Megan goes on a month-long hiatus from checking her email, creating one more stack of useless emails from Chris. In them, he begs for her not to leave him and how he's not jealous of Adam Stackhouse any longer.

The fanart in question.

October

Megan comes back. She offers Chris things she no longer wants that she has found in her room, much like Chris's wardrobe. The two of them converse about cards, Crocs, an incident in the library, and Megan's then-boyfriend.

November

Chris brings up Evan's fanart and Lori. Megan is curious about Lori, asking for further explanation. Chris is quick to dismiss the question, talking about Pokemon once more. Megan tries to bring up Lori again while asking Chris to download music for her.

December

Chris replies to Megan about something completely different, disregarding her last email. This is the last Megan email of 2007.

2008

Main article: Megan Emails, 2008

January

Only one email was sent in January, in which Chris makes plans of him and Megan living together.

You'd think this is the image that scared her shitless.

March

Megan asks Chris to remove any and all information of her on the internet, including pictures. Things seemed to be going alright, until it took the turn for the worst: Megan finds out about Chris's hand-drawn Rule 34 that he has drawn of the both of them.

“

I am very much scarred by that image and it will never leave me.

”

She asks him to leave her alone for a while, and he mistakes her being scarred as a lack of sex knowledge. Chris manages to remove the image from ED, but only for a while. Megan gets fed up but Chris continues to pester her, claiming drawing the picture helped him from raping her. She repeatedly asks Chris to leave her alone.

April

The last of the Megan emails. Megan responds to an email Chris sent about his feelings, saying she can't trust him anymore. This brings the Megan Saga to a close.

Vivian

2007

November

Vivian Gee sends Chris an email, claiming to be the original creator of Sonichu, in an attempt to troll him. She also sends an email telling him to "get rid of that damn medallion" so girls will like him more.

2008

August

Vivian contacts Chris after nine long months, sending him an email about Liquid. Chris responds with more regard to Sonichu than the matter at hand.

September

Vivian emails Chris about his recent comic. No reply. She then sends an email about how Jason is not to blame for most of the content on the ED page. Still no reply. After warning him about Blanca, SonichuFan1985 and Panda, Chris finally listens...only to talk about his beloved electric hedgehog Pokemon. Vivi sends two more emails concerning the fate of Sonichu that are never replied to.

October

Vivi sends three last emails to Chris about Blanca, his medallion, and to seek some psychiatric help. These also came with no reply.

2009

February

Vivian sends our favorite manchild an interesting idea: A daily webshow with various segments on Chris and Sonichu. Chris "considers it", but it was never brought into action. A few days later, Chris tells Vivi to tell Clyde to stop picking on him. Vivi says she has no power over that, but does suggest he start cleaning up his act by getting a job and pay off his debts.

Hail, hail, the gang's all here!

May

Chris informs Vivi that Clyde has hacked into his PSN account, costing him $15.98 of his $20 PSN card. He then asks Vivi to send him a check for the lost money, thinking Vivian is "taking the reigns [sic]" for Clyde. Vivian, like most would, does not send him the money.

August

Chris thanks the trolls for making him grow up to be a stronger person.

“	You still haven't learned anything have you?	”
Vivian's response, telling it like it is.

He then finds out that Vivian is getting paid for selling copies of his DVD. Enraged, Chris claims Vivi to be in violation "of the Counterfeit Laws". He asks her to scan her driver's license for proof of her identity, unaware that she does not drive a car. Realizing his false accusation, he asks her to upload her passport.

September

After no reply, Chris sends her death threats before blocking Vivian's email for two months.

November

Chris contacts Vivian for the first time since blocking her. He apologizes for his previous outbursts and asks for 25% of all the money she has, "and will have, made from all that you have put together and sold, as well as two copies of each CD/DVD of the Audiobooks, and two of each other additional merchandise aside from the Audiobooks." Immediately, Vivian tells him to go fuck himself. Chris then asks Vivian to be his manager of business relations. Vivian says he'd be better off making a promotional video of his pitch for Sonichu.

The next few emails Chris sends are not as frequent, leaving Vivian to believe he's being a lazy shit as always. Chris is indeed being undoubtedly lazy, not working on Sonichu pages much of the Thanksgiving weekend.

Blanca Emails

Main article: Blanca Emails, August 2008

August 2008

• 

  "Blanca"

• 

  "Bonsai!"

• 

  "Jiggliami"

Blanca sends Chris an email with an attachment of her Jiggliami character. Chris immediately requests that she wear high heels, thus taking his first step into making this character just another lifeless husk along with the rest of the females in his comic. Blanca agrees, because 'she's a diva and all.' Chris then creates an image of Jiggliami, and suggests that he mail her a physical copy for decorative purposes, under the assumption that his art is high quality. Blanca says she would love a copy. Without fail, he begins to hand her his neckbeard resume of interests, to which she responds to with a picture of a young "her" holding an electric guitar on a trampoline. Chris flirts with her here and there while discussing Jiggliami's future role in the comics.

“

And I do not mean to sound like a panther, ready to sieze[sic] the moment... although the thought obviously passed my mind... *blush*

”

“

I'm only trying to find a method of being able to see you from on your side of the computer, so I can feel more confident and trusting of you to grow our friendship better. And I feel it's a good idea to look into chatting over IM, maybe with an attached webcam, or you could make and upload a video of yourself doing something neat or whatever. You know that I Like You; I'd like to be able to have more confidence in my "Like" for you that can make it grow into honest, well-trusted "Love". I think you can understand.

”

They continue a string of emails in which they bond over biological clocks, shopping, and nudes.

Being the master of flirtation both verbal and written, Chris decides an appropriate topic of discussion to ease the young girls mind would be a talk about how the DING DANG DIRTY TROLLS have ruined his true and honest female protagonist's image after he recieves no response to a creepy message that really implied a relationship very horribly. Of course, he tries to add a bit of banter and cameraderie to the conversation with an overt Family Guy idiom.

“

The MAJOR thing about the page that REALLY Grinds My Gears is all the lewd, slanderous, parodied images of my Rosechu with a dick; SHE IS ALL WOMAN!!! She was born with, and STILL HAS HER GOD-GIVEN VAGINA and both OVARIES. I would Seriously Really Wish and Like VERY MUCH see ALL the dicked-up images Removed from the page and replaced with MORE ACCURATE Fanart of Rosechu with VAGINA.

”

Desperate and worried that the trolls had frightened her off, Chris sent another email with an apology for the actions of the DING DANG DIRTY TROLLS, and their jealousy of his Far superior class and financial position

“

It has been brought to my attention that some of my haters are putting the pain in your YouTube Profile Comments. I felt it was my duty to warn you myself; I hope you do not let those nasty comments get to you. They're just blowing off steam from their jealousy or whatever.

”

After a bit of flirting and advice about internet safety Chris pops the question below as a measure to ensure his[Love Quest|agenda's]] success.

“

I understand how you feel. Are you and I still growing friends?

”

To which she responds with an attached picture of "herself" holding a small Bonsai tree.

Chris then decides that outright lies and understatements are all fair in the world of email love, and offers his mother and father's home phone as a medium of contact, considering she seemed to be buying into his autistic "game".

As usual, Chris decides the best way to get revenge on the aforementioned trolls would be to draw the events of the previous few months in a comic. It takes only sentences, and Chris is FULL-ON raging about the ED trolls, offering Blanca something not many (lol oops) will see out of Sonichu: DELETED SCENES.

“

And, DELETED SCENE, Jason tells Rosechu, "That's right go. Go, and play with your Pickle." Then he chucks a Real Vegetable Pickle, and it hits Rosie on the head, as she carries Sonichu. She pauses, Sonichu stands still next to her on his own, she picks up the pickle on the floor, quivers a moment, then becomes enrage with fires of fury. She turns around, takes a few steps towards Jason, pauses, bends down to unzip her boots, looks back to Sonichu and tells him to get ready (for her quick striptease). She jumps high out of her boots, goes into an aerial spin jump, undoes her skirt, tosses that to Sonichu, he catches it. Then her shirt. Then she lands five feet in front of her boots, in nothing but her C-Cup Bra and panties. She shouts to Jason, "I've got three shocking bits for you, Jerk!" She undoes her bra from the front, reveals her left breast, then her right and tosses the bra back to Sonichu. She jumps, ninja warrior stance in mid-air, drops her panties to the floor under her... pounces onto Jason's face, her vagina opening landing on his nose, her legs wrapped tight around his head. She squeezes his head with her legs, rubbing her pussy in his face with fury. After half-a-minute, jumps off him, lands between her panties and her boots on floor, her naked butt and back, facing Jason, who is alive, but fainted, his hood is down, revealing his face, with dizzy spiral in his eye. She turns her head and looks at him, like a bull after taking down its opponent. Then she collects her panties and boots; walks victoriously with Sonichu holding the rest of her clothes back to the elevator. She would clothe herself on the way down with her Sweet Bolt in awe of her, and turned on.

”