Jerkop
| “ | That *&^%$ SHATTERED MY HEART AND MURDERED MY SOUL. And it wasn't just her, the Policemen Impostors in Brown, White and Red, AKA The Jerkops (Blue and Black ARE the TRUE POLICE SOLDIERS) also seriously indented the impression that "Virgina is for Virgins, NOT Lovers". | ” |
A Jerkop is either a mall security guard or an "evil" police officer. The word itself is a portmanteau of "Jerk" and "Cop".
In the comics, Jerkops are agents of Mary Lee Walsh. They are not seen much outside of the Sub-Episodes.
Appearance
Jerkops are depicted as even more simplified than the other background characters in the Sonichu comics. Their legs are often held tightly together, as if they move via tiny wheels on the undersides of their feet. They have plain, curved, vase-like white bodies, and appear to be robotic, possibly being mass-produced.
According to the CWCipedia, there are three types of Jerkops. The basic ones are the usual white-shirted ones, mostly seen in the comics. A higher-up level version are ones donning red uniforms. The final level are the brown-uniformed ones, who are either Jerkhiefs or a Jerkop Daitenzen, such as Bagget.
Police?
| “ | And so, I urge you the citizens of CWCville to remember, with the police, only black and blue are true; all other colors are VICE! | ” |
| Chris displays his irrational hatred of the Vice Squad, Sonichu 5, page 28 | ||
While a common misconception is that Chris is essentially delivering a verbose "Fuck the Police", he clarifies in Sonichu 5 that brown is wrong, and the standard black and blue are TRUE AND HONEST. Ergo, while he loathes mall security for preventing him from soliciting, the cops that have real guns and beat black people on the side of the road are A-OK. Just like with homosexuality, Chris decided to vilify those that dare see differently from him.
You'd think that Chris would recall that before, he said that all cops were good as long as they were wearing blue and black. However, because Marcus Baggett, a real police officer, arrested Chris (for completely legitimate reasons), he is suddenly not a TRUE and HONEST police officer. So, according to Chris, cops are only okay if they wear blue and black and don't try to arrest him for breaking the law. So let's guess that he doesn't take kindly to state troopers, county sheriffs and park rangers, who usually are associated wearing brown but have equal police power to those who wear blue and black. Also, British, Australian and Canadian police uniforms usually consist of a Kevlar vest and a white shirt much like that of the mallcops who beat Chris. So, if you're a cop wearing white, don't fight, shoot Chris on sight!
Of note, police in CWCville are probably extremely inept. Not once have they appeared in the fight against Mary Lee Walsh or the Jerkops, with the exception of Sonichu 5 (where Chris orders them away almost instantly). More than likely, the TRUE police probably don't give a shit about CWC's vendetta, and are hanging with Yawning Squirtle somewhere.
Equipment
| “ | MY WOODEN BADGE WAS DELICIOUS | ” |
| Jerkhief, on his appetizer at Country Cookin | ||
Jerkops, in order to cockblock everyone, are equipped with faux badges, evidently made of crackers, glitter glue, and treebark. What purpose these serve is unknown, as no one would be so retarded to fall for such a shoddy disguise.
In terms of weaponry, most Jerkops carry an out-of-date breadstick, aka "a nightstick," pulled from nowhere, and one was carrying handcuffs in Sonichu 4. The Jerkhief carries a metallic slingshot, aka "a handgun," and sometimes wears a metal suit. The most heavily armed Jerkop is the W-M-Manajerk, utilizing a giant shell of robotic armor along with a golden axe.
Weaknesses
As demonstrated above, the best way to reduce those who prevent you from violating the law to a quivering pile of jelly is a good kick in the balls, or as Chris calls it, the "Sourdough region". The lowest levels of Jerkop require only a single kick to this region, while higher-level Jerkops such as the Jerkhief may require as many as five kicks, because their fat absorbs the impact.
Creation of a Jerkop
According to the CWCipedia, Jerkops are normal men and women who ended up attending Slaweel Yram's school, known as "Prowldent Virginia Community College", unknowingly. Upon entering the school for the first day, they are infected with "brainwashing powder" that unconsciously affects them. They can live normal lives, but once Slaweel has need for them, she'll activate the brainwashing to send them out to cockblock Chris.
In earlier documentation, Chris made clear that the Jerkop brainwashing only worked on "slow-in-the-minds", and others of lesser intelligence. It wasn't until Sonichu 9 where any mention was made of the idea of un-brainwashing the Jerkops, and even then Chris makes clear that his Electric Hedgehogs have managed to actually kill several of the completely innocent retards in their fights.
Whatever the previous method of un-brainwashing the Jerkops that Sonichu and company manage not to outright murder, it becomes a moot point in Sonichu 10, when Ultra Sonichu uses his Nigh Omnipotence to supposedly cure all jerkops everywhere forever.
Appearances in comic
- Sonichu 0 Sub-Episode 1:Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-Tastrophe"
- Sonichu 4 Sub Episode 6: Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari
- Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 7: Off-Target
- Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 8: Off-Target part 2
Notable Jerkops
See also
