Sonichu 5
Sonichu 5 is Chris's sixth comic. By this point in his life Chris was obsessed with Megan, and it shows painfully. This issue also abandons all pretense of featuring Sonichu in any meaningful role. While issues #2 and #3 set Sonichu aside to introduce new characters, and #4 was a special focusing on Chris, #5 makes no excuses, and establishes this as business as usual, and begins a long tradition of Sonichu taking a back seat to his friends, enemies, creator, even a dead dog.
The first half of the comic stars Chris as he saves Sarah Hammer's wedding from the evil Wes Iseli.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Chris catches the bouquet at the end.
The story is a sort of coda to the Sub-Episodes of #4, with Chris introducing Megan as his new love interest. Indeed, the entire wedding plot seems to be little more than a convenient way of writing Sarah Hammer out of the story so Megan can take her place.
The rest of the issue sees Chris battle a full-scale invasion of CWCville. Crystal becomes trapped in the Dark Mirror Hole, a plot twist Chris seems to have devised purely to make himself more sympathetic to Megan in the comic, except that it was an imaginary Megan taking imaginary pity on Chris for the loss of his imaginary twin sister. In spite of the story's total separation from reality, Chris altered the part where Megan hugs him, probably because of objections by the real Megan.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Megan never loved Christian and never would.
Episode 12: Christian Chandler in "My Best Friend's Cherokian Wedding"
Chris opens the story by announcing that "Jack's Knight", a character from a Yu-Gi-Oh! card, will be playing the part of William Spicer.
In a nondescript chapel, Sarah Hammer is marrying Spicer before a gathering of white, humanoid blobs sitting in the pews. Also present is Chris, floating invisibly above the procedings. For some reason, they left the door open to the church, and Wes-Li Sonichu observes from the open doorway. Still bitter over Sarah dumping him in Sonichu #2, he plans to take revenge.
From his vantage, Chris ponders the new life awaiting his childhood friend. For some reason, he's using the powers of his Medallion to attend the ceremony invisibly, and he regrets being unable to stay long enough to catch the bouquet. Why he feels he must attend in secret, and only for part of the wedding is never explained.
More important to Chris is his recent friendship with a "real super girl" whom he compares to chocolate strawberry Yu-Gi-Oh! cards or something. His reverie is cut short, however, when his sixth sense alerts him to Wes-Li's attack on William Spicer and abduction of Sarah.
Determined to prevent this, Chris uses his Duel Disk Launcher to "play a 'reasoning'" (read: reason with Wes). Telepathically, he tries to talk Wes out of his plan, pointing out that there are other girls behind the "light magical curtain". But, since Wes has no "conseince", he attacks Spicer anyway, forcing Chris to reveal himself and transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu.
Still basking in the glow of potential sex with Megan, Chris tries to convince Wes to stand down. Wes beats the shit out him instead, and races out of the chapel with Sarah over his shoulder. Not wearing her Cherokian bracelets, Sarah is unable to summon the powers of Saramah Rosechu to defend herself.
The guests, apparently nonplussed to see Chris appear in the middle of the chapel and turn into a furfag, implore him to rescue Sarah. Chris responds by spouting even more collectible card game bullshit, which somehow rejuvenates him. Chris catches up to Wes, and continues to define their battle in terms of Yu-Gi-Oh! dueling, despite the fact that Wes has no cards, isn't interested in playing, and refuses to "take turns".
Chris uses some stupid card that teleports Sarah out of Wes's clutches and into his own, even creepier clutches, and he speeds back to the church. Wes attempts to stop them, but his attack backfires thanks to the timely interference of Sailor Megtune and her bulldyke familiar Megagi La Skunk. Megtune uses a guitar to repel Wes-Li's attacks and defeat him, while Chris goes ga-ga at the sight of her in action. Megagi forcefully reminds Chris to finish Wes off, although this would seem to be a formality, since Megtune's attacks have left him laying facefirst in the ground. Chris putts Wes into a black hole or something with a lightning bolt, and declares their "duel" to be over.
Afterward, Chris has returned to his human form, apparently loitering at the church and pondering the lack of momentum he has with Megan, who refuses to even talk to him except by e-mail. Sarah throws him the bridal bouquet as a token of her appreciation of their long friendship.
Chris closes by noting that "catching a bride's bouguet is a sign meaning a strong chance of marriage for you within a few years", failing to realize that this tradition applies to women, whereas the men are supposed to catch the bridal garter thrown by the groom. So all this means is that Chris is likely to marry a dude in the near future.
Basis on Real Life
While past issues of Sonichu have featured embellished versions of Chris's real-life exploits, the truth behind this story is less clear. The fact that Chris attends the wedding "in spirit" in the comic suggests that he was never actually there at all in real life. This is further supported by his ignorance of wedding traditions (the bride isn't supposed to throw the bouquet to any specific person), and the lack of detail in the depiction of the wedding itself. The guests are never identified, Spicer is "played" by a fictional character, suggesting Chris has never seen the man, and the chapel looks suspiciously similar to one seen in the final scene of the Excel Saga anime.
Episode 13: "Shattered Hearts & Entrapment"
In CWCville Park, a man in a brown uniform attacks a couple before they can have their first kiss. At a coffee shop, a man in a red uniform tasers one of the customers before he can confess his feelings to his true love. Elsewhere in town, a white-uniformed man beats a couple for holding hands, citing the law of Mary Lee Walsh.
As the crisis deepens within the city, its mayor and greatest hero are goofing off at the mall talking about Chris's love for Megan. While Chris had complained in Episode 12 that Megan had been standoffish towards him, he seems totally optimistic about his prospects when discussing things with Sonichu. Chris even admits that he stopped using his Attraction Sign since meeting Megan, a sign of his complete confidence in their relationship.
Finally, DJ Jamsta announces over the radio that Jerkops have invaded CWCville, and pleads for Chris and Sonichu to get off their asses and do something about it. Chris is amazed that his arch-enemy has recovered so quickly from her defeat in the last issue, and recalls how he educated the populace to know the difference between CWCville's police force and the Jerkops.
Meanwhile, Mary Lee Walsh has assembled her Jerkop army in a standoff with the CWCville police. Together, she and Count Graduon wait for Chris to arrive. Their plan is simple: during the battle, Chris will be lured into a certain part of the road, where they have hidden the Dark Mirror Hole. Once trapped inside the magic mirror, Chris will not only be unable to prevent PVCC's conquest of CWCville, but the immersion of his Medallion in the Dark Mirror will awaken the dormant evil within Naitsirch Giovanni.
In what can only be described as a tactical blunder, Chris orders his police force to evacutate the area and clear out, leaving him and his furfag squad to repel the invaders. Chris summons the Chaotic Combo, Rosechu, and his sister Crystal, while he transforms into Chris-Chan Sonichu.
Standing united, the nine Electric Hedgehog Pokemon demand that Mary withdraw. Instead, Walsh summons the giant CADD Chef, Keneru Meneth to destroy Chris. Chris orders Crystal to help him battle the CADD Chef and sends the rest of his forces to battle the Jerkop Army. Chris's failure to reckon with the power of Walsh and Graduon proves disastrous, as they attack Chris and Crystal, frustrating their efforts to battle the giant robot.
Fortunately, Sailor Megtune and her lesbo pal Megagi arrive to bail their asses out yet again. Megtune defeats the CADD Chef with one blow, yet once again asks Chris to finish it off anyway. Chris and Crystal use their ultimate attack, the Chrs-Chan Pure Pulse-Jolt Lance to destroy the CADD Chef completely. As Sonichu's forces have made short work of the Jerkops, Chris turns to deal with the remaining threat of Walsh and Graduon. But, before he can fire the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha, Graduon springs the trap, and Chris sinks into the Dark Mirror Hole. Only the timely assistance of Crystal and Megtune prevents him from falling all the way in, as they grab his hands to keep him from descending further into the dark dimension.
As the Medallion enters the Dark Mirror, Naitsirhc Giovanni senses Chris's thoughts, and a Black Sonichu Medallion appears over his chest. Overcome with pain, he undergoes a strange transformation. When Black Sonichu walks by his room, he mistakes Naitsirhc for Chris, and is horrified to see what his master has become.
In CWCville, Mary and Graduon attempt to flip the mirror, causing Megtune and Crystal to trade places with Chris and become trapped in the mirror themselves. Sensing this at the last second, Crystal hurls Megtune clear, so that only she is trapped. Mary quickly collects the Dark Mirror, holding Crystal hostage as Chris and the others look on, powerless to save her. The story continues in Episode 14, features in Sonichu #6
Alternate versions
Pages 50 and 51 of the story were changed at some point, probably as an overture to Megan, who was less than pleased about appearing in Sonichu in a Magical Girl costume. In one version, after Crystal is trapped in the Dark Mirror, Megan embraces Chris for comfort, expressing her relief that Chris is safe, and apologizing that she couldn't help his sister. Chris reassures her that they'll save Crystal, and tells Megan that she's the "sweetest girl" he knows.
A disclaimer to this scene was added to page 51 of this version, with Rosechu addressing the reader:
| “ | Hey-Ay! My papa asked me to set the record straight ... hey, sweet hug on the last page, but I'm afraid it didn't happen for real; you know with his wishful thinkin', but seriously, they are super-cool with each-other, and Papa C. really loves Megan. Okay, cool? Raight! Be sure to check out the ending in the next issue! C-ya! | ” |
| Rosechu, talking even more stupidly than usual | ||
It would seem that Megan objected to the embrace on page 50, and Chris thought her problem with it was it's inaccuracy--that they'd never hugged like that in real life. This is stupid, since it's not like anyone would read Sonichu and expect it to reflect reality in any way. No one needs a disclaimer to explain that Megan doesn't wear a Sailor Moon outfit and fights crime with Sonic recolors all day.
Ultimately, Chris scrapped the original page 50 altogether, and replaced it with a more passive-agressive version of Megan's reaction:
| “ | Oh, Christian... your sister... what can I say that can atone for your loss? Souch tender feelings... No! Due to past events, I have to ignore those feelings... Aww... I can't help but feel sad and sorry for him; he looks so pitiful. Besides if I'd lost my brother, he'd do what he coud to mend my emotional wound... | ” |
| Sailor Megtune, thinking about how she totally doesn't want to hug Chris | ||
Most likely, the revisions occurred shortly after the comic was completed. Chris dates the final page "June 20, 2006". On June 25, Megan told Chris to back off, and this was probably marked the beginning of Chris's attempts to modify his portrayal of Megan in the comic to appease her. #6 would mark Megtune's final appearance in the series, replaced by a plainclothes version of Megan, and Sonichu #7 would be see her removed from the story altogether.
Other Content
- Between Episodes 12 and 13 is the Virginia is for Virgins ad.
- After Episode 13, Chris debuts "CWC's Art Gallery!", featuring Megan's fan art of Sailor Moon. This marks the only non-shitty artwork ever featured in Sonichu, although that isn't saying a whole lot.
Links
- Episode 12 Comic Audiobook
- Episode 13 Comic Audiobook Part 1 Audiobook Part 2