Sonichu 1
Sonichu 1 is the second issue of the Sonichu comic. Unlikely as it might sound, this one is actually even more retarded than Sonichu 0.
Features
Episode 4: Black Sonichu in "Darkness, Speed, & Lightning! (with an accidental dose of cherry cola)
| Resources | |
| Darkness, Speed, & Lightning! | |
| Primary: | |
| CWCipedia: | Episode 4 |
| Videobooks: | Episode 4 |
| Secondary: | |
| Sonichu Site: | Episode 4 |
| Audiobooks: | Episode 4 |
Naitsirhc has returned to base from his battle with Sonichu in Episode 3. Although he was unable to capture Sonichu, he did obtain a sample of the Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon's genetic code, which was the true purpose of the mission. His father, Team Rocket leader Giovanni, congratulates him for his accomplishment. Giovanni goes on to describe his recent contact with Ivo Robotnik, who has come to share Team Rocket's fascination with Sonichu. The bane of Pokemon and the archnemesis of Sonic forge an alliance to create their own Sonichu to destroy the original, for no apparent reason.
While Team Rocket scientists conduct their genetic engineering, fate intervenes as Bill The Scientist accidentally spills his cherry cola into Sonichu's DNA. Unbothered by his colossal blunder, Bill places the contaminated sample into the resequencer, which quickly grows an imperfect duplicate of the original zappin' hedgehog. Naitsirhc immediately notices that the clone appears to be black in color, but is unsure of his suspicions.
Although Team Rocket immediately bombards the clone with messages intended to program its mind to serve their purposes, this new hedgehog proves willful enough to resist, perhaps due to the cherry cola mutation. Later, when the clone is deemed ready to release from stasis, the color alteration caused by the aforementioned cherry cola is undeniable. Robotnik finds the shadowy hedgehog oddly familiar; Naitsirhc seems disappointed that his pet should be black and names him Black Sonichu.
Giovanni and Robotnik present "Blachu" a gift in the form of rocket boosters intended to increase his speed, the better to defeat Sonichu in battle. Black Sonichu is heavily briefed on Team Rocket's agenda, and on why his skin color was altered by the previously mentioned dose of cherry cola. Robotnik reports in with the latest intelligence gathered on Sonichu, providing vital details about his location, abilities, and personal relationships (despite the fact that all of this data was freely obtained in their last encounter). After rigorous training, Black Sonichu is judged to be superior to Sonichu, and ready for his mission.
Adverstisement
Sonichu Advance and Pokémon: Lightning Version.
Episode 5: Sonichu in "Informal Meeting"
Naitsirhc shows Black Sonichu a map of CWCville and the surrounding area, and explains the plan. Blachu's mission is to intercept Sonichu and Rosechu on their way from the Zapbud fields to Kel's cottage near the lake and capture Rosechu; this will lure Sonichu into a trap prepared by Team Rocket and Robotnik.
Meanwhile, in the Zapbud fields, Sonichu and Rosechu have a completely meaningless conversation until Kel calls Rosechu to tell the couple that dinner is ready. While Sonichu carries Rosechu back home, Sonic the Hedgehog decides to go exploring near the same area. Coincidentally, Black Sonichu is lurking in the bushes at the exact point where Sonic and Sonichu will meet. Using the enhanced speed inborn in his race, the dark-skinned creature strikes out at his betters, and abducts the helpless, virtuous, fair-skinned woman, as is his nature. Distracted by this perfidy, Sonichu collides head-on with Sonic. At the same time, Rosechu discovers, to her utter horror, that she is no longer in the arms of a pure, cultivated man but a thuggish, black brute. She demands that he release her, but the crude, leering subhuman refuses, obligated as he is to obey his masters.
Sonic and Sonichu recover from their collision and begin to bicker until they recognize one another from the battle with the Perfect Chaos Monster where Sonichu was evolved from a Pikachu. The two heroes quickly compare notes, and agree to work together to save Rosechu in a historic team-up.
Episode 6: Sonic & Sonichu "Black Metal Combat"
By now Black Sonichu has returned to base and Rosechu is safely imprisoned. The bars to Rosechu's cell are coated with rubber, to prevent her from destroying them with her lightning powers. Of course, there is no safeguard to prevent her from simply reaching through the bars to zap her captors, but the villains have wisely reckoned with Rosechu's simplistic female brain and of course fear nothing. Naitsirhc and Robotnik review their plan: Blachu will keep Sonichu preoccupied until Sonichu steps on an "X", at which point Robotnik will drop a dome over the hero to drain away his energy. Robotnik then launches into a song and dance:
| “ | Robotnik! Robotnik! I'm a mad geinus! Robotnik, Robotnik! I create chaos with my machines! I'm the darkest evil, and I'm mean! I have a monkey in my robot! Wait! The monkey is a robot! I turned the animal into a robot! With a process I call robotization!!! | ” |
Christian Weston Chandler appears here to mock the retarded song that he himself wrote.
Meanwhile, Sonic and Sonichu have successfully tracked Black Sonichu to Team Rocket's headquarters, but someone has foolishly left a medallion near the door bearing the face of Dr. Robotnik. Sonic immediately recognizes that his old enemy is involved somehow and is now on guard for a trap. It is agreed that Sonichu will enter alone, while Sonic remains behind as backup.
Sonichu discovers Rosey, but Naitsirhc, Giovanni, and Robotnik surprise the yellow hedgehog with the arrival of Black Sonichu. A brief scuffle erupts, until Sonichu steps into position for Robotnik's dome. However, Sonic does his intervenes before Robotnik can begin the power drainage. Infuriated by Sonic, Robotnik releases his contingency plan: Metal Sonichu. Being infinitely more capable than any of Chris's characters, Sonic runs rings around Metal Sonichu, then releases Sonichu and uses the unbreakable dome to slow the mechanical hedgehog down. Sonichu and Sonic then combine forces for a Zap Cannonball attack. Metal Sonichu anticipates the attack and assumes Defense Curl to protect against it, transforming into a perfect sphere. However, this is the automaton's undoing, as the force of the Zap Cannonball attack hits Metal Sonichu like a pool cue, knocking it through a wall, straight up a mountain, and into outer space before it finally crashes into the goddamn Moon.
Sonic and Sonichu mock Naitsirhc, Robotnik, and Giovanni, but when the prepare to leave Rosey balks. She turns to Black Sonichu, punching him in the face and knocking out two teeth. (The miserable cur is undoubtedly elated by this opportunity to have a garish "grill" installed in his mouth.)
Meanwhile, on the moon, Metal Sonichu is seemingly undamaged, and programmed for vengeance...
In an epilogue, we find Rosechu and Amy Rose at CWCville Mall, shopping for things that will make them more attractive to their male partners as God and Jesus intended. In a chance encounter, the two girls run into one another, and are immediately struck by the fact they look exactly alike...and by the fact they are wearing different (and thus legally distinct) outfits. Amy and Rosey of course find they have many things in common, but being mere females they cannot hope to have a meaningful conversation about this serendipity and descend into trivial banter. Christian Chandler again interrupts the story to lightheartedly rescue us from the agony of having to listen to women talk without the promise of earning sex.
Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"
This installment dramatizes the real-life incident in which Chris was trolled by a girl at the mall during his Love Quest.
We begin with Christian sitting in what is presumably the food court at a local mall, again contemplating his seemingly endless quest. A graphic alerts us to the fact that his heart level has not recovered fully from the last time his heart was shattered; he is currently at 20%. He resolves to resume attracting women as soon as he finishes his Chicken McNuggets, but his thoughts are interrupted by the timely arrival of a young woman named Hanna. As if she is too good to be true, she employs the same blunt protocol Chris would use, dispensing with small talk to announce that she heard Chris needs a girlfriend and that she would like to have coffee with him. Having prepared for this moment for years, Chris plays it cool and makes the date, but once Hanna is out of sight he erupts into a rainbow joygasm (later changed to Heaven's Gates once Chris had this gheyness pointed out) as his heart is repaired to 100%.
| “ | Oh...my...god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!...YES! MY LOVE QUEST IS FINALLY OVER! | ” |
In an act of revisionism that only George Lucas could rival, Chris would later replace the infamous "fat man dancing in a gay rainbow vortex" version of this page with a new one, in which he is depicted outside the gates of Heaven, as though he jumped for joy so high he had rocketed briefly into the stratosphere.
Seconds after his return from the rainbow vortex (or Heaven), Chris is at Starbucks for the date that won't occur for another fifteen minutes.
He is elated beyond belief, and eagerly shares his joy with Rosechu, who is--as ever--shopping at the mall and gossiping to her friends. Later, when Hanna arrives and greetings are exchanged, Chris pulls out pen and paper and takes detailed notes as he asks her about her hobbies. He learns that Hanna enjoys playing guitar and reading Chuck Paladuck. Hanna quickly finds the key to Chris's heart by asking about his Sonichu medallion and Scrapbook of Fail. At the conclusion of this date, Chris makes sure to give Hanna what is described as a "Double-Take" flirt, which sounds like something that Chris would do in a painfully awkward manner.
Later, while Chris is loitering in the mall telling his mother that he talked to a girl, Rosechu overhears Hanna and her friends talking about how Hanna was pretending to like Chris as a prank conceived by her boss. For a moment Rosechu is left aghast by her dilemma, but like all women she is innately purehearted and good, so she makes the right choice to tell Chris the unfortunate truth. When she finds him, he is looking up pick-up lines on Sprung to use on Hanna (which makes no sense because he has already picked her up). It is difficult for Rosechu to break the news, and even more difficult for Chris to accept it. Outraged, he rushes off to confront Hanna, demanding the truth. Hanna admits that she was only faking, but is nevertheless upset about the deception, as no woman truly wants to harm Christian Chandler. But Chris pushes on, insisting that she must have nonetheless come to appreciate him during their mini-date. Hanna's answer is stark and unyielding: "No."
His heart shattered back down to 15%, Chris calmly excuses himself, then cries out in anguish:
| “ | NOOOOOOOOO!!! | ” |
Undaunted in the face of abject defeat, Chris composes a heartfelt email to Hanna, making sure she is aware of the emotional pain she has caused him while also making sure she knows he'll take her back as long as she doesn't smoke and doesn't already have a boyfriend. In closing, Christian points out that he was in honor roll, dammit, so she should totally want to swallow his comeuppance.
Links
- Episode 4 Comic Audiobook Chris's Videobook
- Episode 5 Comic Audiobook Chris's Videobook
- Episode 6 Comic Audiobook Chris's Videobook
- Sub-Episode 2 Comic Audiobook Chris's Videobook