Virgin with rage

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Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage
Tell me why I so need a cute girl my age
So Need a Cute Girl

Virgin with rage was Chris's description of himself whilst he was still a virgin. Chris claimed that when he was a virgin, his condition engendered frustration and, well, rage.

Chris was very self-conscious about being a virgin, and frequently brought up the subject unprompted, even in casual conversation with people he had only just met. However, after being advised by his parents that it wasn't a good idea to mention that he was a VIRGIN WITH RAGE, he stopped this practice,[1] one of the few times he has learned from his mistakes.

In April 2012, Chris finally lost his virginity to a prostitute known as Mia Hamm. It changed nothing about Chris's life whatsoever.

Hormonal rage

Chris was extremely distressed about the possibility of being destined to be a virgin forever.

Sometimes I would want to touch her shoulder or back, feel her hair or give her a hug. I hold those urges back, because I care about her. And to keep myself from flying crazily off the handle at a random time, I keep my hormones in check at least twice a week by myself.
Chris on Megan, Story of My Current Days.

Despite his claims that he was "holding back", the emails with Megan paint a different picture, describing instances of him doing exactly what he says he wouldn't, by giving her random and unwanted touches.[2][3]

In another instance, Chris attempted to kiss Emily by surprise, during an unusually generous hug, but she was able to avoid it, and left unscarred.[4]

Also, during the Father Call, Kacey's father Matthew Devoria accused him of feeling Kacey in a "touchy-feely" manner, including touching her shoulder and sniffing her. Chris mentions this was because he was "nervous" at the time and because he wanted to see which one of her perfumes was better.

Likewise, Facebook correspondence between Chris and a young man named Joshua Alba revealed this pearl:

I've thought of a funny message for a Valentine's Day card. On the outside, "Please Be Mine," and on the inside, "My hormones are slam-banging, and I do not have a woman to put them in."

I am not a sex freak; I'm just lonesome and sometimes horny.

Chris, Facebook messages, 10 January 2010.[5]

References by Chris

  • "So Need a Cute Girl", a song which Chris recorded in August 2003, features the first known use of the term "virgin with rage."
  • Chris's letter to Nintendo Power about Sprung from the spring of 2004 concludes, "So thank you, Nintendo and Ubisoft, for the dating advice that this frustrated virgin needed."
  • The first issue of Sonichu's News Dash from 2004 featured Chris's poem "Saddest Heart in the World", where he whines repeatedly about his virginity and repeats some of the lyrics from "So Need a Cute Girl."
  • According to an entry in CWC's Diary from September 2004, Chris told his "Lonesome Virgin story" to a jerkop who interrupted his loitering at the mall.
  • After he lost Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, Chris sent an angry e-mail to Sony, where he announced "YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN BALLZ-BROKEN LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "KICK THE AUTISTIC!" *sigh*"
  • Likewise, his PSN Blog update from after losing the contest includes the line "I am a FRUSTRATED, High-Functionally AUTISTIC, 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN."
  • In Chris's first video address of the post-ED era, Chris Chan's Public Announcement, he doesn't actually come out and bluntly announce that he's a virgin. CWC's Second Message, however, hammers the point home. There, Chris calls himself "the innocent, still 26-year-old virgin."
  • During his IRC fan chat from 26 October 2008, Chris billed his fictitious new girlfriend Chloe as his "VIRGIN-TAKER."
  • Chris's New Year's resolution for 2009, announced on IRC: "Lose my Virginity with a Woman." Like most people's New Year's resolutions, he failed to follow through.
  • While molesting his blow-up doll in the I am devoted to My Sweetest Ivy video from 17 April 2009, Chris says, "Ivy, I promise you, I promise you my undying love and devotion, I promise you my heart, my soul, even my virginity..."
  • Chris's Wikipedia profile from May 2009 includes multiple references to his virginity.
  • In the CWC Trollin More video from 19 July 2009, Chris announced that he was "still a virgin," retracting one of the more obvious lies in the Rollin' and Trollin' video.
  • At the end of CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC, from 9 August 2009, Chris sums up his achievements in life (including his trip to Ohio) and says that "the—only thing—mark that's not been checked yet for a good life is the virgin-breaker."
  • One of Chris's posts on the Adult Swim forums was signed "Lonely Virgin in Virginia, searching for a Sweetheart-Soulmate."
  • In the Common Questions from 15 January 2010, a correspondent asked Chris why he was so fixated on sex. He answered, "Oh, I don't know, how about being a Frustrated Virgin?!"
  • Chris's plea for sex to the Wallflower, uploaded 14 March 2010, features his standard whine about being "a 28-year-old high-functioning autistic virgin."
  • The 2009 Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK! album has a song on it titled "CWC Like a Virgin".
  • Autism Tutorial Part 3, where he says "The virgin-breaker needs to happen BEFORE adulthood arrives, because being an adult virgin SUUUCKS."

A virgin no more (but with rage all the same)

Chris bragging about how he paid for sex.

On 12 April 2012, two leaked Facebook statuses depicted Chris as having finally lost his virginity. The posts contained several points highly suggesting Chris hired a prostitute:

  • She compared him to the last guy she was with.
  • She told him a blatant lie to make him feel good about himself.
  • Perhaps the most telling of all, Chris said that his eventual 'Sweetheart-to-be' will find out about it, meaning that this was a one night stand.

Roughly a month later, on 1 May, Chris wrote in a Facebook note that his virgin breaker could be found "somewhere on the backpage." Most assumed he was referring to, a website well-known for featuring sex service ads, which would end up shut down by federal law enforcement in 2018.[6] This made it even more apparent that Chris resorted to paying for sex, breaking a vow that he previously set for himself.

In a conversation that was leaked on 25 July 2014, Chris confirmed what everyone already knew; he hired a prostitute to take his virginity. A few months later, a leaked email detailed his experience with her and revealed she went by the alias of Mia Hamm. Given that Chris practically had to bribe someone for his first time, all at the age of thirty, this brings a less-than-ideal conclusion to the virginal chapter of his Love Quest (which, despite his bragging, was never an option he considered with any level of enthusiasm).

Incidentally, both prostitution and solicitation of prostitution are illegal in Virginia.[7] Therefore, Chris has committed yet another crime.


Despite his hopes, losing his virginity did not appear to make Chris any happier. His Twitter and Facebook updates in the weeks, months, and years since showed him sliding deeper into depression. An April 2012 post on Twitter stated, "The virgin-breaker was a Great Milestone for me, and it made me feel more self-confident, but still, it was One thing. I still require my Sweetheart. :_( ...<3" In August 2013, Chris even mentioned that he was more stressed, and in August 2014, the Sonic Boom Saga – which saw Chris incensed over a very small change to a video game franchise and would eventually lead to him committing a felony – began.

After the Idea Guys planted their ideas into Chris's mind, however, Chris had found a (relatively) more fulfilling way to conclude his Fuck Quest – by getting into a polyamorous marriage with his imaginary friends Magi-Chan, Cryzel Rosechu, Sylvana, and Mewtwo. For what it's worth, he seemed to be genuinely happier than he did when pursuing real-world tom-tom for his duck to pound, so there's that. Unfortunately, Chris was ultimately not satisfied with this, and eventually got around to having sex with his own mother to satisfy his urges – to predictable results once people found out about who his boyfriend-free girl was.


The CWC-tionary

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Darling | Dating education | Friend Zone | Gal-pal | Heart Level | Homos | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | SLGBTQ | Sweetheart | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | JULAY | Mass debating | Negligent | Pedofork | Pickle | Recycling | Soul Bonding | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Christian Love Day | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fuzzy-Wuzzies & Prickly-Wicklies | Honest Content | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Random-access humor | Saga | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl |

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | GOPony | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

Fantasies: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | Dimension | Fangs | Godjesus | Iron Curtain | OC | Un-clit

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis | Parody | Rosechu | Sonichu | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt

See also: Chris and English | List of phrases Chris copied from media