Sonichu 3
Sonichu #3 is the fourth issue of the series. This issue spotlights the Chaotic Combo, and almost no intelligible dialogue. It is almost completely agree upon by the troll community that "Sonichu Babies" is one of the most aggravating pieces of Sonichu material made, and is the most likely to result in some kind of violence, due to the irrational anger is can and has caused.
Features
Episode 10: "Sonichu Babies"
It is explained that the rainbow of Chaos Energy that emerged from Sonichu's collision with Sonic created five eggs that landed in various areas within a few miles of CWCville. Christian Weston Chandler, the narrator, congratulates himself on this cute intro, and presents what Sonichu (character) and Rosechu would have looked like if they had been born as Sonee and Rosee, which makes no sense because they first appeared fully-grown, having evolved from mature Pokemon.
Each of these eggs is shown hatching into a new baby Electric Hedgehog Pokemon. First, the green egg lands in the jungle and the hatchling is raised by a Venusaur and a Scyther. In time, Wild Sonichu develops his abilities to shoot vines from his arms, fly with his propeller-like tail, and camouflage himself into his surroundings.
The blue egg lands in the ocean, where it is recovered by a Swampert who takes it to the beach to hatch. The resulting Rosee loves to play in the water with her "mother," until one day a Wailord inexplicably drops a boulder onto Swampert, causing it to sink into the depths. Terrified, the Rosee tries to save Swampert, but is too weak; however its effort causes it to evolve, and Bubbles Rosechu is able to save her. Bubbles is so happy to reveal her origin that she decides to make a seashell necklace, just like the stupid vagina-having strumpet she is.
The white egg somehow ends up at the doorstep of an convent, where it is discovered by some nuns who live there. The nuns raise the white Rosee, who learns the Catholic faith alongside them. She evolves into Angelica Rosechu in her sleep one night, and conveniently Christian Chandler is outside her bedroom window with shoes and a scrunchie for her to wear in her new form.
The red egg crashes into Nabe's dojo-shin, immediately hatching into a Sonee. Inspired by his surroudnings, the Sonee tries to fight. Mypoe accepts the Sonee's challenge, and for no apparent reason rips its tail right out of its body. This trauma causes the Sonee to evolve into Punchy Sonichu. Punchy uses his impressive strength to Sky Uppercut Mypoe straight through the roof, never to be seen again. Nabe offers to teach Punchy the ways of the martial arts, at which Punchy excels.
The purple egg hatches inside a mysterious mountain, where it is seemingly alone. However, the Sonee is telepathcially contacted by Mewtwo from a nearby city. Mewtwo has noticed the Sonee's telepatchic powers and wishes the mentor him in those abilities. In this way the Sonee learns to master his abilities and vicariously learns about the outside world and Jackie Chan movies. One day during his routine meditation he evolves into Magi-Chan Sonichu. Mewtwo congratulates Magi-Chan and sets him off to find his destiny, promising that they will meet in person someday...
Episode 11: The Chaotic Combo in "When Hedgehogs Meet"
The story is introduced by Flame the Sunbird, who explains the significance of the Legendary Master Sunstone, a mystical artifact that must remain safe on his island to prevent people from growing or losing extra appendages.
Just then Black Sonichu jumps out of a helicopter on orders from Naitsirhc to steal the very same stone Flame was just telling us about. The black fiend, being larger and stronger than Flame, easily overpowers him and, having a simplistic notion of justice, takes the Sunstone away on his hoverboard. Flame goes after him, and attempts to subdue Black Sonichu with Drill Peck, but the devious darkie uses Double Team to confuse his pursuer.
Amid this commotion, Black Sonichu's hoverboard somehow creates a wave that washes over the beach as he reaches the mainland, thoroughly drenching Bubbles, who was relaxing on the shore. With little regard for others, Blachu speeds through the jungle, knocking Wild off-balance as he swings through the trees. Finally, in another part of the wilderness, Punchy is practicing his punches when he catches his spiky knuckles on the hoverboard, and he is dragged along for the ride.
Near her convent, Angelica is using her powers to somehow cause flowers to grow in a lovely pattern that reads "HOPE & PEACE." (Of course, since she's the only one who can fly, she's the only one who can see it. Stupid bitch.) Just then Black Sonichu and Punchy zoom by, with Punchy hitting a tree and falling from the hoverboard. While Angelica checks on Punchy, Bubbles, Wild, and Flame catch up. Each of the hedgehogs is delighted to meet others of their kind, and make introductions. From a distance, Magi-Chan observes this and realizes the others are forgetting about Blachu, so he zaps off to remind them.
Meanwhile, Sonichu finally bothers to show up on page 23 of his own damn comic, having somehow already arrived at the conclusion that a black guy is out stealing things. Just before Blachu can reach the safety of Team Rocket's headquarters, Sonichu intercepts him. After a brief scuffle, Sonichu finds he has reinforcements--Wild, Bubbles, Angelica, Punchy, Flame, and Magi-Chan have all teleported in. Black Sonichu remains defiant, perhaps due to unconscionable amounts of crack cocaine and PCP he has ingested. While Flame falls into a bush and exits the fight, the hedgehogs huddle up and Sonichu comes up with a brilliant strategy:
| “ | Avoid his attacks, and attack him with your punches, kicks, wing attacks; that sort! | ” |
The Chaotic Combo employs this plan of attacking their opponent while not letting him hit them, but little strategy is needed when it's six against one, and Black Sonichu is easily beaten by superior numbers.
Sub-Episode 4: Christian Chandler in "McAttack"
One year and ten months have now passed since Christian Weston Chandler began his Love Quest, but he has still been unable to locate "an 18-23-year-old, boyfriend free, caring, smoke-free, non-alcoholic, white girl to build a relationship from the ground-up with." We find Chris at M-C-Dville in the region of Mal-Wart, drawing comics and listening to music on his Nintendo DS and generally not purchasing food or otherwise justifying his presence there. He blames his inadequacy on all men everywhere (except for himself and his father), who have taken all of the pretty girls for themselves. In happier thoughts, Chris is glad to have paid for earned a pair of hair clips shaped like wings at a recent anime convention, although this prize was probably intended for a twelve-year-old girl.
Just then, the McDuo of M-C-Dville, B-Manajerk and Merried Seinor Comic, arrive. They have been notified by the Jerkhief of Fa-Square that Christian is on a quest to find true love, which is forbidden in Mal-Wart. Backed up by an army of the Jerkhief's Mecha-Jerkops, they accuse Chris of solicitation. Chris makes a boring speech and refuses to back down, and the Mecha-Jerkops advance upon him. However, just then Darkbind Sonichu makes his debut, slicing the Mecha-Jerkops into pieces with his sword. Darkbind acknowledges his loyalty to Chris due to him being both the mayor of CWCville and his creator.
Chris summons the anchuent powers of his medallion to become Chris-Chan Sonichu, and somehow the anime wings become real wings on his head, making him Super Chris-Chan Sonichu. While Darkbind dismembers the cybernetic Merried Seinor Comic, Chris takes to the air to comabt B-Manajerk with Aerial Ace, Double Team, and Thunderbolt. With his trusty Pixelblocks, Chris-Chan creates a decoy of himself, which B-Manajerk mistakes for the real thing and attacks with his axe. The broken pieces of Pixelblocks become lodged his skin, diverting him while Chris sneaks up from behind with a Sky Uppercut. Yes, he did an uppercut to the back. With the villains defeated, Darkbind hurries to leave before Chris can revert to human form and deliver his big speech:
| “ | Now, as for you two Manajerks, the pain that you both are feeling now should be punishment enough for going against me in my quest for a Boyfriend-free girl to love and trust! I do not care about your rules, either of you, or any male other than my father and myself! But let me make it perfectly clear that in my quest it is very hard for me to find a girl due to the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor! And I do not want to risk getting a punch in the face from a jerk! Also, since the ladies are unable to notice my person, because they mostly have shopping on their minds, I have to loudly spell it out. So, place, just leave me alone with my Love Quest! | ” |
This simple request is refused by a voice over the intercom, and Chris finds himself beset by the ruler of the Mal-Wart Region, the dreaded W-M-Manajerk.
Additions
This comic also includes:
- A shit drawing of Chris's MySpace. He only has one friend, but that's one more than real life.
- A phone order service for lonely men to order boyfriend free girls. If only it were that easy, Chris.
Links
- Episode 10 Comic Audiobook Part 1 Audiobook Part 2
- Episode 11 Comic Audiobook
- Sub-Episode 4 Comic Audiobook