Difference between revisions of "Sonichu 0"
(I figured this equally shitty looking, but far more promising cover belonged here. If one of the "regulars" disagrees, feel free to remove it.) |
|||
| Line 1: | Line 1: | ||
[[Image:issuezero.jpg|right|thumb|200px|"I will! Thank you, father!"]] | [[Image:issuezero.jpg|right|thumb|200px|"I will! Thank you, father!"]] | ||
[[Image:BizzaroIssue0.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The same issue cover in Bizzaro World.]] | |||
[[Image:BillyMaysSonichuCover.jpg|right|thumb|200px|A much more appealing alternative]] | [[Image:BillyMaysSonichuCover.jpg|right|thumb|200px|A much more appealing alternative]] | ||
The very first issue of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]'s masterpiece. At this point, the comic was ''almost'' entirely about [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], although bits of Chris's life still manage to find their way in. | The very first issue of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]'s masterpiece. At this point, the comic was ''almost'' entirely about [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], although bits of Chris's life still manage to find their way in. | ||
Revision as of 13:07, 17 March 2009
The very first issue of Christian Weston Chandler's masterpiece. At this point, the comic was almost entirely about Sonichu and Rosechu, although bits of Chris's life still manage to find their way in.
Features
Episode 1: "Sonichu's Orgin"
A wild boy Pikachu wanders through a field until it notices catastrophic destruction five miles away in Station Square, where the Perfect Chaos Monster is running rampant. It runs to the city, where it finds Sonic the Hedgehog battles the monster, using the Chaos Emeralds to transform into Super Sonic. Perfect Chaos counterattacks, hurling Sonic directly into the Pikachu, and their collision causes the Chaos Emerald energy to mingle with Pikachu, releasing a powerful rainbow into the sky.
Fifteen miles away, the rainbow touches down in front of the house of Pokemon trainer Kel, whose female Raichu is caught in the blast. At both endpoints of the rainbow, the Pokemon are transformed into hedgehog-like creatures. Kel discovers that her Raichu is now pink, standing upright, wearing a red dress, and capable of human speech. She remarks that this new species of Pokemon is "as pretty as a rose," coining the name Rosechu.
The former Pikachu awakens from the collision with Sonic and, failing to notice his transformation, joins Sonic in the battle against Perfect Chaos. His Thunder attack defeats the monster, and the gathering crowd mistakes him for Sonic (who has now departed) as they cheer him on. Later, after considering his new role in the universe, he names the species he has evolved into "Sonichu," in honor of his brief ally.
The remainder of this episode sees Christian Weston Chandler provide exposition about key elements of the upcoming stories, with profiles on CWCville, Sonichu, Rosechu, Kel, Naitsirhc, Black Sonichu, the Chaotic Combo, and Flame the Sunbird. Chris hints at the significance of Chris-Chan Sonichu, Saramah Rosechu, and Wes-Li Sonichu, and briefly mentions the villains of the series: Mary Lee Walsh and the Jerkops. The greatest attention is given to Christian himself and the fact that he needs a girlfriend.
Episode 2: "Genesis of the Lovehogs"
Sonichu is wandering through the forest. A week has passed since he was evolved by the power of the Chaos Emeralds, and he has found that in his larger form he cannot get proper nutrition from the diet of a Pikachu. He is also overcome with a newfound loneliness, being the only Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon in existence--at least, so far as he is aware.
Just then Sonichu notices Rosechu standing by a stream. He is instantly attracted to this similar species of hedgehog, and quietly stalks her as she returns to her home. Lurking in the bushes, Sonichu sees that Rosechu lives with her trainer, Kel, and decides that he can beg this person for food.
Inside, Rosechu expresses her own loneliness. Kel helpfully offers her Dragonite for companionship, but Rosey dismisses the idea, since a Dragonite's cock is too big for even her gaping slot. Just then Rosechu answers the door to find Sonichu panhandling for change. Immediately smitten, she aggressively pulls him into the cabin and has Kel cook them dinner.
Within a few days, Sonichu and Rosechu are inseparable. One night, while staring at the moon out by the lake, they interlock tails and share their first kiss, in the first of many sickening love scenes.
Given Christian's own inability to get laid, "Genesis of the Lovehogs" provides fascinating insight into how he believes romance is supposed to work: Boy sees girl, boy stalks girl for five minutes, girl wants to have sex with boy the second she lays eyes on him.
Sonichu on Game Boy Advance (advertisement)
A parody ad appears between Episodes 2 and 3, describing two games featuring Sonichu for Game Boy Advance: Sonichu Advance and Pokemon: Lightning Version.
| “ | Sonichu is a Pokemon, so catch him on Game Boy Advance! Get Zappin' with him & the Chatoic Combo! | ” |
Chris still fully intends to make these games, which is sure to cause seven-year-olds everywhere to say: "Mommy, what the hell is a Game Boy?"
Episode 3: "Sonichu vs. Naitsirhc"
We find Sonichu in CWCville Mall, confronting Naitsirhc Giovanni riding a Zapdos that is clutching Rosechu in its talons. When hostage negotiations fail, the battle is on, and Sonichu briefly recalls how the situation arose.
Earlier in the day, Kel took her Pokemon into town to run errands, and allowed Rosechu to go shopping with Kel's credit card. Sonichu was entrusted to restrain Rosey's uncontrollably female spending, but he quickly abandoned this duty to please his lover. Later in the food court, the couple visited a fast food restaurant; since Rosechu has ladyparts she could only eat salad, while Sonichu attempted to eat a Baffler Meal and became sick from eating pickles. It was at this point that Zapdos ambushed the hedgehogs, capturing Rosey.
Using standard Pokemon fighting techniques, Sonichu is a match for Zapdos with his Sky Uppercut and Mega Kick. For the coup de grace, Sonichu uses Double Team to confuse Zapdos with mirages of multiple Sonichus; he then uses this diversion to rescue Rosey before his duplicates zap the Zapdos, defeating it. Naitsirhc recalls the Zapdos to its Pokeball, and swears he will challenge Sonichu again before riding off on a Raikou.
Since this is Sonichu's first public outing in which he is not mistaken for Sonic, he is heralded as a hero by the people of CWCville. Christian Weston Chandler makes his debut as a full-fledged character, and in his capacity as the city's mayor congratulates the yellow hedgehog.
Later, in the first of many segments that break the fourth wall, Christian and Sonichu leave the mall talking about the high quality of this issue of Sonichu, and express amazement that Christian's obvious talent has not earned him a Boyfriend-free girl. Christian drives off to Fashion Square Mall to continue his Love Quest, while Sonichu morbidly admires his father's persistence in the face of certain failure.
Classic Sonichu Strips
Pages 28-34 of this issue feature comic strips drawn throughout 2004.
- 25 years into the future, Sonichu (now evolved into Metonic), makes a poor joke while chopping logs
- Sonichu asks Rosechu how things are doing, and she explains she's been busy "being beautiful," but confesses that she hates working so hard at it. See, because this is all women do. Sonichu demonstrates his amazing ability to listen to women and respect their feelings (hint, hint, YOUNG LADIES) until Rosey calls out Black Sonichu for stalking them.
- "Christian & Sonichu vs. the Mastermind": Christian and Sonichu defeat Mary Lee Walsh with the combined power of Chris's Curse-ye-ha-me-ha and Sonichu's Thunder attack.
- Sonichu and Chris-chan Sonichu rescue Barbara Chandler from Naitsirhc. Barbara is depicted characterizing Sonichu as Christian's son.
- Chris-chan Sonichu is beaten up by Jerkops, under orders from Mary Lee Walsh. Rosechu can only stand by helplessly since she has no penis. Nevertheless, Sarhamah Rosechu arrives to save Chris, so that he can reassure himself that he is still important in the live of a woman he cannot have sex with.
Sonichu Adventure (advertisement)
An advertisement appears here for Sonichu Adventure. For some reason Chris made the effort to photoshop the "Only for" label buthand-drew the rest of the GameCube trade dress.
Sub-Episode 1: Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-tastropie"
One year and seven months into Christian's Love Quest, he ponders his lack of progress while listening to music on his Nintendo DS. Just then, the enormous, fat, black Jerkhief towers over Chris, accusing Chris of soliciting sex. Chris is outraged by this insult, and valiantly defends his honor. The Jerkhief summons his Jerkops to handcuff Chris, but his keen tactical mind allows him to spot his assailant and dodges, causing a Jerkop to handcuff himself. Chris backhands another Jerkop square in the face, giving him enough breahting room to transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu.
The Jerkhief responds by summoning his Metal Armor, and a pitched battle begins. Chris-Chan uses Mega Kick, Double Team, Mirror Coat, and Thunderbolt to disarm the Jerkhief, and honorably offers mercy to his defeated foe. But the Jerkhief is without honor; defiant to the end, he fires a handgun at Chris-Chan, who uses Barrier to deflect the pitiful attack.
Left with no choice Even though his enemy is already beaten, Chris decides to unleash his Special Ultimate Attack, the dreaded Curse-ye-ha-me-ha. The Jerkhief initially feels no adverse effect and rises to fight back, but the curse soon sets in; he slips on a banana peel, breaks his glasses, and learns that his wife has just divorced him over his smoking habit. The Jerkhief's life is shattered, but Chris (reverting to human form) is only concerned with lecturing the broken man about why he should not have bothered Chris on previous occasions. When the Jerkhief admits his soul hurts, Chris callously responds that he's suffered worse...
Sub-Episode 1, along with the other Sub-Episodes, is re-presented in Sonichu 4.
Quotes
- "He'll probably fail again..." - Sonichu on Chris's love quest, proving that even Chris's own creations knows about his failure.
- "Time to zap!" - Sonichu's short lived catchphrase.
Links