Chris and sex

This article is rated M for Honest Content It may contain content deemed not safe for work. Reader discretion is advised.

Chris has a warped view of sexual intercourse (a.k.a. hanky-panky), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on the HBO network around age 16. He describes pornographic films as "educational".

Knowledge of sex and gender

In his mind, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he stole from Sailor Moon. In truth, for much of the time he was presenting this advice Chris had yet to even kiss a girl.

What he knows about sex outside of his single sexual experience he's picked up from rudimentary high-school sex education or pornography. This has engendered many false beliefs in Chris which he sticks to religiously. Readers who brave his sex chat logs should immediately notice what's going wrong—Chris's fantasies are merely recreations of what he's seen in porno movies, rather than plausible sexual experiences. For example, he believed that Kacey would get off to a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of semen to the face.

Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spreads an imaginary vagina a yard across, and thinks that electric shocks to the vagina are pleasurable. He also seems to believe that a woman's vagina is higher up on the woman's body that it actually is; this is undoubtedly due to his experience with his sex dolls Kimmi and Officer Nasty. The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in Sonichu #8 is a contradiction in terms. He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a "receiver's" terrible Mountain Dew parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride his broken penis. He thinks that his virginity is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that masturbating ultimately makes him better at sex.

With Chris's slippery grip on language, he is also noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology. For example, Chris told Ivy he had a "sticky dream" about her. When Ivy asked if he meant a wet dream, he replied, "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!" While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use common terms—either medical or slang—for sex organs, instead calling penises "ducks" and "pickles", and vaginas and vulvae "china" or "Tom-Tom".

In August 2011, Chris said he is into female domination (going as far as to draw Sonichu and Rosechu performing the act in Sonichu 10).

Chris and gender

Chris has a distinctly sexist outlook towards women. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. The notion that they might have good reasons for spurning his advances does not occur to him.

In Sonichu #9, he referred to women as another species.

Chris has an interesting grasp of stereotypical gay and straight behavior, too, insisting he's straight even as he acts like a mincing crossdressing homosexual. This can be explained by his lack of empathy or ability to pick up on social cues, but given his reaction to being told he looks gay is to scream "NO I'M NOT!" and ignore anything else, it's unlikely he'll ever learn.

Moral basis on sex and double standards

69ing? Intercourse? Really? In a children's comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.

“	You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say to you, that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.	”
Matthew 5:27-28

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he hates homos, but with no hesitation views lesbian porn and approve of it masturbatorily. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he planned on losing his virginity on the third or fourth date with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). A blatant violation of the Christian value of marriage before sex.

The Bible also frowns upon pornographers, of which he is guilty and holds no apparent remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is most likely because he goes to a very liberal church, and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by Rocky.^{[citation needed]} When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by trolls, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which contradicts Christian doctrine. Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his Love Quest.

Chris seems to consider a female sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on the Internet a video of his first full sexual intercourse. After further prodding, he added that he would simply hide the camera, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public. In CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC, Chris indicated that if a woman accused him of being gay in person, he would sexually assault them by demanding they submit to a kiss and allow him to videotape the act, possibly as a way of proving his straightness.

For Chris, a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy, existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

Chris in the act

Christian professing his love for "Julie".

Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with Julie, and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes female positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo).

However, it should be noted that in most of Chris's Rule 34 drawings the characters do tend to assume positions which are fitting for their gender, including Chris. It might be that Chris adopts female positions not so much due to ignorance regarding sex, but more because of his identification with the opposite gender.

Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on display in For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV, involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris.

In the leaked media, Chris displays that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (bent duck, being overweight, lack of endurance) or psychological (performance anxiety, high expectations, intrusive homoerotic thoughts, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.

Staying straight

See also: Fear of being a homo

Is Chris asexual?

Some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, high-functioning autistic and hugbox inventor Temple Grandin chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). This could explain some of Chris's views regarding sex and romance; he genuinely cannot understand the appeal of most sexual activity, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a big boy.

After he was introduced to the term by his Mailbag correspondents, Chris took to interpreting and using "asexual" as an insult. In his CWCipedia page on The Wallflower, he referred to her as a "Got-Dang Asexual Woman!". He also became very offended when Jackie implied that he liked video games more than women, ranting that she should not label him as asexual (and misses her point completely).

Pedophilia

Main article: Pedofork

Bestiality

“	I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.	”
Chris to PandaHalo

Run, Patti!

Chris, sporting a homemade fursuit.

In December 2008, Chris told PandaHalo he would be willing to have sex with a female (because he's not a homo) dog for her. However, in his interview with ScrewAttackEurope, Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality, as they're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals.

Chris suggested that Brian from Family Guy be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog.

In The Red-Maned Deer, Chris recites a poem he wrote about having sex with a deer, but at the end of it states, "This was, in fact, NOT an act of bestiality. For you see, the Red-Maned Deer I have been communicating with and tracking, is really...my lo-my womanly sweetheart, named Jacklyn Romy."

Is Chris a furry?

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated. There are some things that point in that direction. Chris-chan Sonichu is in many ways similar to a fursona. Chris has also used the character while cybering with Julie. Finally, in the Giant Penis Comic, Chris and Ivy both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. However, it has been confirmed by Mimms and Lucas that Chris has prejudice against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be homos.

Prostitution

“	"In my sarch [sic] on Craigslist, the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about Jack and my PSN account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :("	”
Chris, wasting a prostitute's time[citation needed]

Given how badly Chris wanted to lose his virginity, many observers have wondered why he didn't immediately spent some of his monthly tugboat on a prostitute. Mumble 4, from February 2009, answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by Jack Thaddeus in the summer of 2009, Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, in March 2009, Brian Bash had sent a trio of prostitutes to Chris's house so he would no longer be a virgin with rage. Hilarity ensued.

By the beginning of 2010, Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his conversations with Vivian Gee, around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th birthday. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when begging the Wallflower for sex on YouTube in March 2010.

Between April and July 2010, under the name of Carlos Chantor, Chris tried to offer himself up as a male escort. He described himself as "Experienced for Her Pleasure", with an average body type.

Later, under the guise of his troll persona JenkinsJinkies, Chris attempted to acquire the contact details of the hookers Brian Bash had previously hired. While it is possible that Chris merely wished to make his disguise more convincing by implying that 14 year old Jenkins wished to hire prostitutes, it seems far more likely that Chris actually was considering hiring Brian's girls.

In April 2012 a Facebook status leaked in which Chris announced that he was no longer a virgin. Suspicion abound that this was due to the help of a hooker (presuming Chris's story is true). Chris provided further evidence suggesting that the girl was a prostitute on 1 May when he wrote in a Facebook note that his virgin breaker can be found "somewhere on the backpage", a website known for featuring sex service ads.

Incest

Crystal, Chris's imaginary twin sister, appeared as a "girlfriend" card he made for Yu-Gi-Oh, and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the Sonichu comics well after being established as Chris's twin. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his Electric Hedgehog Pokémon are all related, but many of them are paired off with one-another, banging and some even having kids.

Chris first expounded his views on incest to the internet on 31 January 2009 during the first Mumble chat, when it was revealed that he did not fully understood the meaning of the word "incest". While he showed aversion toward incest in the chat, his condemnation of it was lukewarm, saying that he would only "definitely discourage that" and that lesbian incest is "possibly OK" due to no reproduction being involved. Compare this to his statements about male homosexuality from the same chat ("I hate homo males [...] I'd sooner have a sex change before I would ever turn into a homo") or to his statements about male homosexuality from earlier that month, saying that he would make it a crime and force its practitioners into having sex with members of the opposite gender.

A year later, Chris's views became staunch. When a correspondent in the Mailbag pointed out that Chris's state allows cousin marriage but not same-sex marriage, Chris furiously denied it and wrote, "Cousin-Marriage is just as Terrible and Unholy as MARRYING YOUR OWN MOTHER OR FATHER!" When another correspondent responded to Chris by saying that he is happily married to his cousin and that their marriage is indeed legal in Virginia, Chris answered him by saying he was destined to hell for his relationship. When the subject came up again in the next mailbag, Chris said that sexual relations between cousins are just as wrong as incest between parents and their children or between siblings, and that all those relationship were condemned in the "same part" of the Bible.

Rape

PROTIP: Despite your worst fears, Chris won't ever manage to rape anybody, so stop saying that.

Chris has an extremely poor understanding of the effects of rape. When PandaHalo told him she was raped by Clyde, Chris reacted nonchalantly. He even thought it would be appropriate for Panda to move in with her rapist, whom Chris called a "good man" for regretting the rape and for being willing to take care of the ensuing child. Later on, long after the PandaHalo saga was over, Chris would wish her and her rapist a happy marriage. In iPods Down and Listen Up, Chris doesn't seem to realize that his improvised lyrics detail a sexual act that would almost certainly be construed by others as rape.

Misguided people think Chris will one day try to rape someone due to his stalker tendencies, but with his warped view of romance and his inability to pin someone down long enough, this scenario is highly unlikely. For instance, he tried to kiss Emily and gave up when she said no.

See also

• Homos
• Women's rights
• Semen
• Mass debating
• Duck
• Pickle
• Chris and his ego
• Chris Sex Logs