Sonichu 10
Sonichu 10 is the eleventh issue of the Sonichu comic. Chris submitted the first page to the CWCipedia on 8 December 2009, shortly after finishing issue 9.
Background
Throughout the early fall of 2008, the idea of obtaining and destroying Chris's Medallion of Fail had captured the imaginations of trolls across the world. Ultimately, a group of trolls posing as Chris's sweetheart Blanca, convinced Chris to send her the Medallion.
For a time, it was unclear what had happened. Chris would attempt to set the record straight in his October 9, 2008 video, where he confirmed that he had sent the Medallion to Blanca, and that trolls briefly intercepted it. However, Chris would go on to insist that Blanca herself was not a troll, and that she somehow retrieved the Medallion and returned it to Chris unharmed.
In fact, Chris had simply constructed a new Medallion, claiming to have upgraded the original to explain its differences from the first. He also began to show off his High School Ring implying its greater importance.
To further spin the theft of the Medallion, Chris drew a special Sonichu comic meant to be an excerpt from issue #10. This was uploaded circa October 14, 2008. In it, Chris fictionalizes the trolls attempts to steal his Medallion, and emphasizes the Medallion's safety and Blanca's loyalty to him. Additionally, Chris retcons the Anchuent Prophecy, establishing that the Medallion's powers actually come from the Amnyfest High School Ring.
Continuity
At the time, Chris had not yet completed the second half of Sonichu #8, and indeed would not complete that issue until 1 January 2009. Most likely, Chris's rationale for skipping ahead was that he wanted to acknowledge the Medallion incident in his comics, but needed to have himself appear in the story to do this. As Chris's character has been marooned in the "time void" since the end of Sonichu #7, and not scheduled to return until after #8, Chris's only solution was to flash forward in the storyline, to a point where he had returned to Earth and was able to confront the trolls personally.
Ironically, far more has transpired in Chris's life than he could have possibly imagined. Even as Chris struggled to begin Sonichu #9, Blanca had long since been revealed as a troll, and Chris has subsequently been romanced and heart-shattered by several other trolls. By the time Sonichu #10 had officially begun, the theft of the Medallion and Blanca's role in the incident were ancient history. In fact, the comic version of Blanca had been abruptly written out of the story two issues ago, and Chris's comic counterpart was already seeing his future wife, ensuring that the "trusted sweetheart Blanca" line makes absolutely no sense without any knowledge of the events leading up to the preview pages.
Furthermore, Chris promised at the end of Sonichu 9 that he would remove himself from the comics and that he'd focus solely on Sonichu and Rosechu. If he intends to use the material he's already published, he'll be breaking his promise within the first page.
Another continuity error in the comic is that Chris is wearing an orange shirt, even though he was wearing the classic red and blue-striped shirt when he entered the Time Void.
Cover art
Despite his continued support of Blanca, Chris was also embroiled in an online relationship with PandaHalo, and he used her fan-art of Chris-Chan Sonichu as the cover of #10.
Episode 21: Christian Chandler in Director Amenities
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Ongoing
The things described in this article are still happening, or are still being looked into. As a result, it may be subject to frequent change, and the information provided may not be entirely reliable.
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The comic begins by recapping Wild and Magi-Chan's effort to rescue Chris from the Time Void. However there is a bit more dialogue than the the Sonichu 9 version, including Chris stating that he now has a new future wife named Lovely Weather. Chris then goes on to reveal that he tricked his future wife into thinking he was his future self, and then fucked his future wife while his future self was at work.
He proceeds to textwall again, revealing that, in the future, scientists have almost discovered the cure for homosexuality, but require pure, heterosexual blood to complete the formula. Chris volunteers for this procedure, apparently because there are no 100% heterosexuals 6 years in the future. Keep in mind that Chris himself still exists at this time, yet it seems they can't use Future Chris's blood for some reason. After receiving the cure and finding out it worked, he grabbed two of the syringes, planning to use one to turn Reldnahc back into Naitsirhc, whose one true love, Kel (?!) is worried sick about. He entrusts Magi-Chan with one of the Sonichu Balls Chaotic Crystals and a mission: go back to 2015, grab one of the crates containing the cure and return to the present with them, putting them with their stockpiles of today (thus causing a time paradox and, even worse for him, restoring his virginity!) Using the boosted Magi-Chan, he calls out to a number of people to begin the mission of correcting the usage of his real-life problems today: He calls out to Allison Amber and BILLY MAYS (apparently the couple here) to load up Son-Chu with his PS3, Guitar Hero and the instruments and head for the 4-Cent Garbage HQ; he tells Patti-chan that Sonichu's coming to pick up the other 5 Chaotic Crystals and to move the still-trapped Crystal over to his office near his desk; he tells Sonichu to get said Crystals and meet him at 4-Cent Garbage's HQ by 2:30; and finally, he tells Blake and Punchy to also head for the HQ. Chris also lets Wild in on the action. With everything set up, Chris transforms in Chris-Chan Sonichu and we're at where we left off from Sonichu 9.
Chris, first, makes a stop a building where he keeps all his Sonichu-related gear (it says it was hosted by Tripod, one of the original websites where he hosted his stuff). He enters to find his stuff safe and sound... until the Devil Trolls emerge, resembling winged, evil Troll dolls. Chris goes on the attack, swatting many of them away. The troll's flesh-colored tails look suspiciously like penises, especially when Chris grabs one by the tail, sending a pleasurable wave of electricity through the creature, causing its tail to become stiff and erect.
Chris manages to defeat all the devil trolls and proceeds to go on a lengthy, pointless rant/ad for the videogame "Fairytale Fights." He then explains, as best he can, the ESRB rating system, such as "M" being for "Moof" and how one shouldn't "be a Moof or aloof" and "keep it "E" or "T" for your children". He clarifies that, even though he wants others to stick to E or T-rated games, he admits that he has played and enjoyed Brutal Legend, though it's not clear whether he now considers himself a Moof, or perhaps even aloof. He than proceeds to Teleport his useless Sonichu-related crap into his Mayoral office. After that, he creates a Lightning Bomb, performs Chaos Chaotic Control to teleport away from the building (Why?!), erects a barrier around the building and blows it up! He, then, claims that Tripod didn't have good security and had no support for Flash programs. A message in Japanese characters listed as a "controversial statement!" is seen to the right.
Chris, then burns down the bridge to Tripod (as he claims), then proceeds to do a set of tasks, including setting up his fated first date with Lovely, whose revealed to be a busty, brown-haired girl, then to set up everything for the CWCipedia before talking to his Board of Directors, whom he literally towers over before heading on to Tennessee. Chris-Chan Sonichu rapidly advances on the 4-cent_garbage.com Building in Clarksville, Tennessee. Observing Chris on an HD-TV hooked up to a Hex Bawx, the evil Jason Kendrick Howell prepares to spring a trap for the autistic furfag.
Apropos of nothing, a large sign hanging from the monitor informs the reader that Chris endorses Blu-Ray discs, apparently unaware that the HD format war ended prior to this comic's creation.
Chris also includes a plug for LittleBigPlanet (yay!), delivered by the game's mascot, Sackboy. Sackboy commands the readers to purchase the game and play Chris's Sonichu level, even if they have to buy a PlayStation 3 to do so. He further warns gamers against using illegal copies of LittleBigPlanet for Wii or Xbox360, as if these even existed.
Chris arrives at the front door to the building and waits for Sonichu to arrive with Chris's Autobot, Son-Chu, his PS3, and his Guitar Hero guitar. Somehow convinced all this shit will help him wage war against the building, Chris waits patiently, which makes you wonder why he bothered showing up early in the first place.
Inside, Jason uses an illegal Xbox copy of LittleBigPlanet to create a cage over Chris, and drops it on his head. Chris-Chan attempts to spin-dash his way out with his Sonichu powers, but the cage is too strong.
With Chris-Chan's hedgehog speed neutralized, Jason's lackey, Beel uses a red tractor beam of some kind to target Chris's transformation spot, reverting him to his human form of Christian Weston Chandler. This causes his Medallion to re-materialize, and Beel's beam drags it away from Chris's body and into his waiting hand. Beel absorbs the Medallion into his hand, but feels no increase in his own power.
Inside the cage, Chris notices his High School Ring sparking with energy. Sprouting fangs of confidence, Chris putts on his glasses and aims his ring at Beel, teleporting the Sonichu Medallion to his trusted Sweetheart, Blanca (which is hilarious, especially after the additions).
Chris explains that his high school ring was the source of his powers all along, and he uses it to transform back into Chris-Chan Sonichu. With a Hyper Beam attack, he blasts through the cage, blowing Beel into the 4-cent_garbage building.
The final page of the preview shows a photo of Jimmy Hill, who is also struck by the Hyper Beam. His teeth are destroyed in the attack, and Bugs Bunny appears to scold him. Sonichu makes his lone appearance to shake his clenched fist and growl "Jimmy!!" Also, a hedgehog or something says "Dinsdale", which probably causes Monty Python fags to cream their jeans or something.
Chris closes with a warning not to buy any merchandise from Jimmy Hill.
While waiting for the rest to show up, Chris-Chan Sonichu meditates, not knowing that Naitsirhc is sneaking up behind him, planning to smack him with a plank. Chris-Chan suddenly develops Newtype abilities, senses the attack and blocks it. Naitsirhc decides that it's time to end everything and plans to turn Christian evil and gay. Christian, on the other hand, says the reverse, that it's the end of evil and homosexuality. The two Sonichus fight it out until the two of them hit each other in their weak spots, and both are flung to the pavement. Naitsirhc manages to get up and prepare a finishing move, as Chris surreptitiously prepares a hypodermic needle while feigning unconsciousness. Naitsirhc asks Chris if he has any last words. Chris, pretending to be a badass, says "Only three words..."
He then rises up and with great fury stabs Naitsirhc, not in the heart, but straight in his Black Sonichu Medallion. With a big "NOOOOO!", Naitsirhc transforms back into the totally straight Reldnahc Giovanni, while Chris says the completely non homoerotic phrase, "Drink My Blood!" As he teleports Reldnahc to Kel's waiting bedside, he laments that Naitsirhc never never wore a shirt, but is glad the evil homo is gone. He also comments that Kel is looking very nice these days, but he never actually draws her into the strip because she's a lowly woman and he has to save screentime for himself and his army of recolors. At the same time, Son-Chu, Sonichu, Blake and Wild arrive. As they set up their Guitar Hero gear, Sonichu notices something on Chris's guitar - the PaRappa the Rapper cap. Sonichu puts it on and turns 2D. When Chris grabs his guitar, his ring reacts, turning back to his real life self to talk about laundry and lie about a relationship he doesn't get then quickly dismiss it. Another Son-Chu transformation (its page reused from Episode 20), and it seems that Chris has gathered the Hedgehog Boys to rock out... and Chris's legs seem to deform at the knees as well. The next page is a doctored picture of Chris because he's too lazy to draw anything else at the moment. Chris looks particularly bored in this picture, really distracting from the intended drama of the moment.
The song they start to play is "Revive Zordon", a particularly horrible song to the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever" extolling the superiority of the original Power Rangers over the later iterations. As Chris rocks out, Beel (who's suddenly alive), Clyde Cash (who's making his first official appearance in the comics) and Jack Thaddeus (who's making his first appearance here) warn Jason Kendrick Howell that the building can't take this kind of rock and say they must escape. Chris, portraying Jason tells the three that, yes, he is escaping and retiring to a two-story house in the suburbs. He, then, tells them that he's STRAIGHT and that he doesn't want to be involved in the slandering and mockery anymore. As he escapes, Chris portraying Beel decides to abandon those two for being homosexual and for slandering and mocking an innocent man. With no choice left, and in perhaps the only remotely touching moment in Sonichu, Jack and Clyde hold hands like true American heroes as Chris portrays them they express their deep remorse for slandering Chris and making homos look even worse than they already are, before leaping down the 72 story elevator shaft as Chris and the crew proceed with their plan to murder every single living thing in the building. For someone who has dealt with suicide personally, Chris is awfully supportive of it as a means of eliminating his greatest enemies without getting his hands dirty.
As the building fell, it is said that there were about 1500 people in the building during the collapse. Those closest to the ground got out scot-free. 250 trolls got out safely when Chris and his crew went to save them. 250 other trolls were too drunk to get out. Of those 125 trolls were either injured or dead, along with another 125 sober. Of the remaining 500, 250 were safe, 150 injured and 100 dead. Note that although Chris states that there were 1500 people in the building, this only adds up to 1375. A memorial would be put up in the ruins and Encyclopedia Dramatica and 4-Cent Garbage would lose its data and "never return", despite the fact that they probably had back ups. This is not the first time one of Chris's anti-troll diatribes has twisted the imagery of a collapsing building that killed hundreds of people to his own selfish purposes.
Ignoring this little bit to put the spotlight back on him, Chris laments on how those there wasted their talents for trolling, comparing them to TMZ. It quickly goes into a non sequitur, where it shows cameras focusing on Rosechu on the toilet inserting a tampon, Rosechu and Sonichu in the middle of some bondage deal and filming Robbie talking about how he pissed on a lizard. Before it goes any further, Magi-Chan returns from screwing with the timestream and being Big Brother. Upon returning, Magi-Chan declares that testing on the vaccine is a success and that he brought the crates to the present and are sending them across on trucks. It is said that one Feburary 24th, 2009, homosexuality will be eradicated and the day will be called "Christian Love Day". He also says that Silvana will eventually be returned to a TRUE and HONEST female from GodJesus and fall in love with Magi-Chan.
All of a sudden, Meg Griffin shows up and says that she's a fan of the comic series. As they talk, a guy walks up and taunts Meg, calling her a 'sir' - which is common for Meg. Chris stands up for her and the guy insults Chris instead. Chris flips his lid and sucker punches the guy. Meg thanks him by kissing Chris, cheating on his future wife AGAIN. As they leave, it's revealed that Meg was actually Silvana in disguise, commenting on how easy it was to troll him. Yes, Chris did just depict himself making out with someone who has a penis, why do you ask?
After taking the time to grovel at his fans for the past comic and begging them not to abandon him, he and Sonichu take the Sonichu Ball Crystal things and transform into Collosal Chan and Ultra Sonichu. After transforming, Chris decides to go back to CWCVille, but tells Ultra Sonichu to head for RuleCWC with Darkbind Sonichu before heading for Minnesota and wait for him. Back in CWCVille, Chris enters the Dark Mirror Hole and rescues Crystal from the mirror with all the fanfare of picking up a bag of groceries. As Crystal comes to, Allison says that she's called the paramedics to look after her. For some reason Crystal refers to Christian as "Christopher", though it's not clear if this is meant to be some kind of sign between the siblings, or if Chris just forgot about his name change.
Meanwhile in RuleCWC, Darkbind Sonichu is kneeling by Zelina Rosechu when Ultra Sonichu arrives, striking the same pose as Jesus Christ on the Cross. In "Da Cave", a stone breaks open and someone, possibly Clawdorf, realizes the Chaotic Crystals freed him... then asks how long he was out. That's right: the act of Chris and Sonichu activating their super forms allows a vaguely defined evil force to escape imprisonment. It's not like Chris and Sonichu needed to transform, either. The greatest threat to CWCville at the moment is Chris himself as he destroys various buildings with the power of rock. Sonichu uses his power to revive Zelina, who acts like the rest of the vapid Rosechus over what Darkbind did for her. This rescue complete, Ultra Sonichu races out, but not before he "coles" the window hatch.
In Minnesota, Collosal Chan and Ultra Sonichu hover over the house of Alec Benson Leary, and break in. Discovering Alec's computer (which is revealed to be a HEX BAWX "Pavillion"; note Chris's computer is an HP Pavillion), Chris inserts his finger into a USB port, then concentrates and rips off Shadow the Hedgehog by placing himself inside the computer. Once inside, Chris proceeds to delete all files within the Asperpedia, ban Mao, Sean, Evan and Alec, the delete their accounts. He, then, steals a "better dating simulator" with the intention to modify it for PS3 use and escapes, planting another Lightning Bomb to blow up the HEX BAWX. While Chris was doing this, Ultra Sonichu enters Alec's room, commenting on the bad art from the Asperchu series. While the art in Asperchu is hardly professional grade, at the very least it shows some understanding of perspective, proportion, and pacing. If anything it looks like a moderately skilled artist who just happens to be drawing very quickly, whereas Sonichu looks like it's drawn by a retarded child. While investigating the dirty room, Ultra Sonichu overhears people talking and, upon leaving, discovers Asperchu and his variation of the Chaotic Combo, whom are tired of his world's mall. Upon seeing him, the Sonichu and Rosechu start going off into a nearly god-like praise for the TRUE and HONEST Sonichu. The malformed beasts then proceed to tell Ultra Sonichu how Alec infected them all with Asperger's and pushed homosexuality on them and that they had real names before Alec gave them the names of the Chaotic Combo. Ultra Sonichu then uses his powers to cure them of Asperger's, transforming them into Michael, Bobby, Kitty, Trisha, Whisp and Swift (all of whom will never appear again). Asperchu then turns into a muscle-bound Sonichu known as Mitch. As thanks, Sonichu tells them not to listen to Alec and his group and just live free. As he does, Chris blows up the HEX BAWX.
At this point the group literally bows down before Chris and Sonichu, before Chris politely informs them that he's not God; simply a representative of God. Metal Asperchu then shows up and assaults the group. Chris creates a barrier, though he doesn't bother to use his nigh-omnipotence to destroy the enemy or send him to the Goddamn moon and instead forces the non-chaotic Combo to combine their powers of fail to defeat the creature. With that out of the way, they Thank Chris again for being so awesome, then spot Asperchu creator Alec Benson Leary off-screen, and go to physically assault him. Chris has never seen an actual picture of Alec, and so he is never seen. Ultra Sonichu somehow knows that Alec has a group of Rosechus locked in his basement, and Chris nonchalantly decides to go ahead and use his powers to rescue them as well.
Page 65 is a wall of text so mindbogglingly long and retarded that Chris has to cut his way out from the previous page (or something) to cram a picture. The tl;dr of it is an attempt to once again retcon everything his characters have done in anyone else's comics, reaffirming their sexuality, sweethearts, occupations, and rebuking any characterizations that say otherwise, in an attempt to absolutely distinguish that his Sonichu is unrealted to Asperchu in any way. He finishes by stating that his characters will never go to Minnesota, nor interact with any Mitch/Asperchu unless he says so. He then thanks the readers.
Impatient, Ultra Sonichu asks Great Director Chris if they can continue with the story.
Back in Cwcville, the Chaotic Combo and others sit at a table talking about why they hate the Asperpedia comics so much. This includes insulting the art, the mischaracterizations, and intellectual property rights. Simonla specifically denounces Evan (who has been trying to convince Chris to remove her from the comic via the mailbag for weeks), who retconned her as a female clone of Simonchu in his own comic. Allison Amber speaks poorly of Moon-Pals, but can't seem to offer any specific complaints about the series. Crystal asks the group to calm down and wait for Chris to return, so that he can tell the president, and have Asperpedia taken down. Magi-chan ominously (well, retardedly) hints that Chris's will has to be done, lest the Cwcville, and possibly the world, fall into total chaos and anarchy. For some reason, Thomas Jefferson's house was used as an example of the structural damage that would be incurred.
As is common for Chris, the long-running plot thread about rescuing Crystal from the Dark Mirror Hole is brought up practically as an afterthought, whereas dealling with his current annoyance is given far too much detail.
Finally, Ultra Sonichu and the 4 unnamed Rosechu's supposedly from Alec's basement arrive in one of CWCville's many soup hotels. Sonichu rambles on about the concept of a soup hotel while the dirty and emaciated Rosechus just stare on despondently.
Reaction
To the Preview
As Chris became increasingly determined to convince the public that his Medallion had never been successfully stolen, the trolls posing as Blanca responded with photos and videos to support their claims. Finally, the medallion was destroyed on a video uploaded to YouTube on 20 October 2008.[1]
See also
Sauces
External links
- Sonichu #10
- Sonichu #10 Preview
- Audiobook (erroneously referred to as a preview of #9)
- Youtube profile containing three videos proving the fate of the original Sonichu Medallions