Barbara Chandler

Barbara holding ~~Scampers~~ Desi the cat.

“	Get off. Before I go off.	”
Barbara to Chris, private Skype chat with Sarah May

“	I don't need no back talk from someone on the internet.	”
Barbara, Mumble 2

Barbara Anne Weston Chandler^[1] (born 01 October 1941^[2]) is the wife of Bob Chandler and terrible mother of Christian Weston Chandler and Cole Smithey. The sole recognition for her motherly qualities is the Mother of the Year 2000 Award Chris created for her.^[3]

Appearance

As little as ten years ago Barbara was reasonably slim, but, along with Chris, has ballooned out in recent years. Due to her massive size, she is affectionately referred to as Snorlax by trolls. When encountering Barbara, it is wise to use a Poké Flute.

Barbara's size is likely one of the reasons she sleeps a lot^[4] and usually skips church.^[5]

Barbara has no eyebrows, which has caused intense interest at PVCC.^[6]

Cole and his possible fathers

Cole visits for Chris's 18th birthday.

Barbara grew up and raised Cole in Richmond near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.^[7]

Barbara gave birth to Cole in 1963. Throughout his life, Barbara has lied to Cole about who his father is because she's Maury Povich trash. She insists that Cole's father is Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she was married, but records show that she actually married to Ran Coleman Yeatts in 1961. To further fuel Cole's later rage, Yeatts visited them as a "friend" when Cole was a child.

During Cole's childhood, Barbara abused Cole along with her then-partner Jerry.^[8] Then came Bob, who made Cole rage even harder with his mean-spirited Republicanism. Based on experiences with all these men, Cole thinks that Barbara has a "proclivity to isolate herself via scurrilous mates."^[9] The translation would be "She likes to date guys who curse a lot, and obsesses over them". The relevancy of her partners' vernacular is a little puzzling. He's probably just being sesquipedalian. What he was probably trying to say: "She tends to go clubbing with men of questionable stature".

Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years.^[8]

Marriage with Bob

She never was much of a looker. Too bad physical appearance is genetic.

Bob and Barbara met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing.^[10] Cole's friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards.^[11] According to Chris, Barbara did the persuing: "She chased him down the hall." They got married in 1980.^[10]

According to Chris, Barbara has not had sex with Bob for at least two decades. They have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.^[12]

Instead of accepting that their marriage isn't what it used to be, that they have different goals for their son in life and move on like any other healthy human being, she is either too lazy, poor, and/or unwilling to explain to Chris the intricacies of a divorce and its effect on a family dynamic, thereby putting herself in the inescapable rut she is in today.

Pampering of Chris

Barbara evolved into Snorlax as she raised Chris.

According to Cole, Barbara and Bob left Chris alone every day for years with the abusive babysitter.^[13]

Barbara constantly babies Chris and tells him how handsome he is.^[14] As a result, Chris believes he is so irresistible to women that PandaHalo would not stop kissing him once she met him^{[citation needed]}.

Barbara was Chris's date to his seinor [sic] prom.

She is extremely paranoid of Chris's online misadventures which, while ruining the fun for trolls, does seem to indicate that she's not entirely stupid.

While having a special needs child is a major stressor in any marriage, rather than getting genetic counseling and family therapy to cope with raising an autistic child, they've gone the old fashioned route of expecting little to nothing of Chris and treating him as an imbecile, with a modern "victim complex" spin, his entire life. This would have worked great in the days before psychology, like when Bob was growing up, while nowadays even sufferers of Down syndrome can lead healthy and fulfilling independent lives with supportive parenting and appropriate professional help.

Audio Appearances

Private Skype chat with Sarah May
4 February 2009: In Mumble 2, Barbara denies singing while vacuuming Chris's room.
17 February 2009: In BlueSpike PSN Chat 2, Barbara talks to Chris but when Julie wants to talk to her, Barbara says she isn't "able to talk to anybody right now."
March 2009: Barbara takes over the phone from Chris when Clyde calls after the date with Emily.

Gallery

Barbara with baby Chris. Oh, how full of hope and promise.
Barbara's retirement party from secretarial services at Virginia Power in 1996.^[15]
From her 55th birthday.
Nothing says the 80s like a woman in a power suit and a lady tie.
Barb with Aunt Corina, Uncle Tom, and Aunt Harriet.
The King left the building when he started to notice the foul smell of the Chandler house.
Poor Barb, Chris put fucking Sonichu on HER birthday cake.
It was originally believed this image was from Chris's graduation. Turns out this is from his senior prom, whom he took his mom to as his date.
Barb, talking to Tiffany, one of Chris's gal pals, at the prom.