Difference between revisions of "Cole Smithey"

Chandler Family
Cole Smithey
Birth Name	Joseph Cole Smithey
D.O.B.	24 July 1963 (age 49)
Gender	Male
Nationality	American
Race	White
Parents	Ran Coleman Yeatts (father); Barbara Chandler (mother); Jack Dale Smithey (supposed father); Jerry Harmon (stepfather); Robert Chandler (stepfather)
Occupation(s)	Film critic, musician

Revision as of 12:57, 23 January 2014

“	Let me know when that fuck Bob finally drops.	”
Cole^[1]

“	I do not regret giving birth to Cole.	”
Barbara Chandler^[2]

Joseph Cole Smithey (born 24 July 1963)^[3] is Chris's half-brother, Barbara's first son, and lone escapee of the Casa De Chandler. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. Cole's emails to Chris revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.

Life

Childhood

Cole's TRUE and HONEST biological father, Ran Coleman Yeatts, from the 1961 Wake Forest yearbook. Notice the physical similarity.

Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.^[4] As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" Jerry Harmon with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios."^[5]

Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.^[5] Cole suspected and later confirmed the identity of his father to be Ran Coleman Yeatts, who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.

Move to California

Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College in similar fields of study.^[6] While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs". The band lasted from 1981–85.^[7]

Present

Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.^[8] He was mentioned once in Time Magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3.^[9] He occasionally hosts eBay auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night drinking with him, proving that despite one brother being a pretentious hipster douchebag, and the other being an emotionally stunted autistic manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.^[10]

Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low viewcounts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few dozen, even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother.

Relationship with Barbara and Bob

A likely summary for Bob and Cole's relationship.

Cole smiles alongside Barbara on Chris's 18th birthday.

Cole was not on good terms with Bob or Barbara. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."^[5] In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.^[11]

Barbara continued to lie about the identity of Cole's biological father and related facts repeatedly, even on the night before Cole's wedding and even after Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to Jack Dale Smithey, Cole's alleged father, but rather to Ran Coleman Yeatts. In a leaked e-mail sent to Jackie on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that "he has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.

Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own.

Relationship with Chris

The half-brothers hold their hands the same way on Chris's 18th birthday.

Ironically, Cole actually gets along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb (or at least he used to; it's unclear whether the two are still in regular contact), and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know who your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.

Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the abusive babysitter, which suggests that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault.

Cole visited for Chris's 18th birthday party in 2000. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him A CD For Cole Smithey! Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover. Chris further taints the CD by trying to talk like a DJ.

Chris visited Cole in California at some point, the only time Chris has been on an airplane^[12] and one of only two times that he has left Virginia (the other being his trip to Ohio to save Julie).

In July 2007, Chris sent an email asking for Cole's vote in the PaRappa contest. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.^[13] Chris did ask his mother about it, but she lied once again. Chris was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is. This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris.

In 2013, Chris got back into contact with Cole on Twitter, basically telling him to come back home so he could dump his responsiblities of taking care of his mother on him and go on his Sweetheart Search. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own (even talking down to him at one point) right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail. Cole has yet to respond.

Cole in the comics

On the CWCipedia profile for Rosechu, there is a "Professor Cole" listed as the one who gave Kel the Pichu who would become Rosechu.

Gallery

Chris's gift to Cole in 1998
A CD For Cole Smithey!
As if Barbara had any involvement with the CD.
Cole playing drums.

Sources

External links

Template:Not Jerks

People

[1] 24 July 2007 email #3

[2] 6 March 2007 email, page 1

[3] A CD For Cole Smithey!

[4] Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)

[email-5] 5.0 ^5.1 ^5.2 6 March 2007 email, page 2

[6] ttp://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa

[7] The Rockin’ Dogs

[8] ttp://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/

[9] ttp://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/

[10] ttp://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221

[11] Cole Smithey E-mails

[12] Mumble 1

[13] United States Social Security Death Index

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@@ Line 49: / Line 49: @@
 ===Present===
-Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.<ref>http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/</ref> He was mentioned once in Time Magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3.<ref>http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/</ref> He occasionally hosts [[eBay]] auctions for the winning bidder to [[Chris and his Ego|spend a night drinking with him]], proving that despite one brother being a pretentious hipster douchebag, and the other being an emotionally stunted autistic manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.<ref>http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/290715508352?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item43affe9e80</ref>
+Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.<ref>http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/</ref> He was mentioned once in Time Magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3.<ref>http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/</ref> He occasionally hosts [[eBay]] auctions for the winning bidder to [[Chris and his Ego|spend a night drinking with him]], proving that despite one brother being a pretentious hipster douchebag, and the other being an emotionally stunted autistic manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.<ref>http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221</ref>
 Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low viewcounts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few ''dozen'', even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother.