Cole Smithey
| Chandler Family | |
|---|---|
| |
| Cole Smithey | |
| Birth Name | Joseph Cole Smithey |
| D.O.B. | 24 July 1963 (age 61) |
| Gender | Male |
| Nationality | American |
| Race | White |
| Parents | Ran Coleman Yeatts (father) Barbara Chandler (mother) Jack Dale Smithey (supposed father) Jerry Harmon (stepfather) Robert Chandler (stepfather) |
| Marriages | Katherine (2013-present) |
| Occupation(s) | Film critic, musician |
| “ | Let me know when that fuck Bob finally drops. | ” |
| Cole[1] | ||
| “ | I do not regret giving birth to Cole. | ” |
| Barbara Chandler[2] | ||
Joseph Cole Smithey (born 24 July 1963)[3] is Chris's half-brother, Barbara's first son, and lone escapee of the Casa De Chandler. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. Cole's emails to Chris revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.
Life
Childhood
Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.[4] As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" Jerry Harmon with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios."[5]
Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.[5] Cole suspected and later confirmed the identity of his father to be Ran Coleman Yeatts, who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.
In his article Saturday Night Special, Cole recounts his coming to age. This includes a particular event where Barbara fires a loaded gun at a steel door to ward off a burglar, the resulting ricochet of which almost striking young Cole in the head. These events have obviously had a lasting impression on him.
Move to California
Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College in similar fields of study.[6] While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs". The band lasted from 1981–85.[7]
Present
Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.[8] He was mentioned once in Time Magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3, resulting in many Pixar fans crying out in disgust that a movie franchise that looked to be the only one with purely 100% ratings on RT was ruined by him and Armond White.[9] He occasionally hosts eBay auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night drinking with him, proving that despite one half-brother being a pretentious hipster douchebag, and the other being an emotionally stunted autistic manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.[10]
Billing himself as "The Smartest Film Critic in the World," Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low view counts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few dozen, even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that, ironically, the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother. It probably doesn't help matters that Cole Smithey's videos have low production values and negative reviews on well-received films. Oh, and he considers Freddy Got Fingered (a film often considered to be one of the worst of all-time for many reasons) to be "Classic Cinema". Seriously.
By March 2007, Cole was in a relationship with a woman named Katherine (no, not her).[11] This is most likely the same Katherine he married in March 2013.[12] Given that Cole mentioned an earlier wedding during his correspondance with Chris, it appears that Katherine is his second wife, unless the "wedding" in 2013 was actually a renewal of vows.[5]
According to an article written by a friend, Cole once came close to death from necrotizing fasciitis after an ER nurse made a misdiagnosis.[13]
Relationship with Barbara and Bob
Cole was not on good terms with Bob or Barbara. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."[5] In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.[11]
Barbara continued to lie about the identity of Cole's biological father and related facts repeatedly, even on the night before Cole's first wedding, and even after Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to Jack Dale Smithey, Cole's alleged father, but rather to Ran Coleman Yeatts. In a leaked e-mail sent to Jackie on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that "he has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.
Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own. Chris has recently complained that Cole is ignoring Barb's attempts to get in touch with him. It would seem that Cole has left his mother to her own devices.
Relationship with Chris
Ironically, for much of his life Cole has actually gotten along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb, and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know who your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.
Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the abusive babysitter, which suggests that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault.
Cole visited for Chris's 18th birthday party in 2000. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him A CD For Cole Smithey! Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover. Chris further taints the CD by trying to talk like a DJ.
Chris visited Cole in California at some point, the only time Chris has been on an airplane[14] and one of the few times that he has left Virginia.
In July 2007, Chris sent an email asking for Cole's vote in the PaRappa contest. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.[15] Chris did ask his mother about it, but she lied once again. Chris was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is (though in Chris's defense, getting involved in an awkward quarrel about parentage is a pretty odd price for a simple upvote on a video.) This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris. To date, these remain the last known communications between the half-brothers.
In 2013, Chris got back into contact with Cole on Twitter, basically telling him to come back home so he could dump his responsiblities of taking care of his mother on him and go on his Sweetheart Search. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own (even talking down to him at one point) right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail. Cole has yet to respond.
Chris also made another attempt to contact Cole, this time through video. He recorded a message directed to John Kyle,[16] Cole's brother-in-law who sang at his wedding.[12] In said video Chris expressed anger at Cole for not inviting him and Barb to his wedding. From Chris's words in the video we can learn that it was made a "few months" after Cole's wedding and near Barb's 72nd birthday. If a "few months" is taken to mean at least three months, we can deduce the video was made around June-September 2013.
Cole in the comics
On the CWCipedia profile for Rosechu, there is a "Professor Cole" listed as the one who gave Kel the Pichu who would become Rosechu.
Gallery
Chris's gift to Cole in 1998
A CD For Cole Smithey!
As if Barbara had any involvement with the CD.
Cole playing drums.
Sources
- ↑ 24 July 2007 email #3
- ↑ 6 March 2007 email, page 1
- ↑ A CD For Cole Smithey!
- ↑ Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 6 March 2007 email, page 2
- ↑ http://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa
- ↑ The Rockin' Dogs | San Diego Reader
- ↑ http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/
- ↑ http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/
- ↑ http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221
- ↑ 11.0 11.1 Cole Smithey E-mails
- ↑ 12.0 12.1 John Kyle - Three Love Songs at Katherine and Cole's Wedding (retrieved on 24 February 2014)
- ↑ [1]
- ↑ Mumble 1
- ↑ United States Social Security Death Index
- ↑ Message for John Kyle
External links
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