Chris and sex

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This article is rated M for Honest Content It may contain content deemed not safe for work. Reader discretion is advised.

Health disclosure: This article contains in-depth discussion of Chris's physical and/or mental health. This page is not to be construed as a substitute for medical advice or a professional diagnosis. All diagnoses are either taken from outside documentation or based on amateur analysis.

Chris has a warped view of sexual intercourse (a.k.a. hanky-panky), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development, a sheltered upbringing, and the twisted, disjointed worldview he acquired as a result. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on HBO at around age 16. He describes pornographic films as "educational".

Knowledge of sex

In his mind, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he stole from Sailor Moon. In truth, for much of the time he was presenting this advice Chris had yet to even kiss a girl.

What he knows about sex he's picked up from rudimentary high school sex education or pornography. This has engendered many false beliefs in Chris, which he sticks to religiously. Readers who brave his sex chat logs should immediately notice what's going wrong--Chris's fantasies are merely recreations of what he's seen in pornos, rather than plausible sexual experiences. For example, he believed that Kacey would welcome a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of navy to the face.

Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spreads an imaginary vagina a yard across, thinks that the clitoris is located on the female body where the perineum is located on the male one and believes that electric shocks to the vagina are pleasurable. He also seems to believe that a woman's vagina is higher up on the woman's body that it actually is; this is undoubtedly due to his experience with his sex dolls. The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in Sonichu #8 is a contradiction in terms. He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a terrible Mountain Dew parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride his broken penis. He thinks that his virginity is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that mass debating ultimately makes him better at sex.

With Chris's slippery grip on language, he is also noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology. For example, Chris told Ivy he had a "sticky dream" about her. When Ivy asked if he meant a wet dream, he replied, "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!" While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use common terms--either medical or slang--for sex organs, instead calling penises "ducks" and "pickles", and vaginas and vulvae "china" or "tom-tom" out of a childish aversion borne of disgust.

In August 2011, Chris said he is into female domination. (going as far as to draw Sonichu and Rosechu performing the act in Sonichu #10).

Moral basis on sex and double standards

The Bible

69ing? Intercourse? Really? In a children's comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.

“	You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say to you, that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.	”
Matthew 5:27-28

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is (partially) dictated by the Bible - or rather, by his religion, as Chris's Biblical knowledge is extremely poor. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when male homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he hates homos, but with no hesitation views lesbian porn and approves of it masturbatorily, and as of 2014, seemed to be adopting a more progressive view of even gay men and their rights (albeit begrudgingly). In 2015 Chris made a video lamenting his "past" homophobia and clarifying that he apparently now has great liking and admiration for male homosexuality, retconning the viscous homophobic tirade of Sonichu 10 into a bizarre zombie apocalypse, implying that he realizes religion is not an excuse for discrimination. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he planned on losing his virginity on the third or fourth date with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). This is, of course, blatant violation of the Christian value of marriage before sex.

The Bible also frowns upon pornographers, of which he is very guilty and holds no apparent remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to denigrate and what is OK in his own personal dogma, although to be fair, the same is true of many Christians anyway.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is most likely because he goes to a very liberal church, so any question about premarital sex is probably interpreted quite liberally, and Chris believes that his church and only his church defines the entirety of religious morality - as it applies to him, anyway. When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by trolls, she only fuels his à la carte Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which contradicts Christian doctrine. In summary, Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his Love Quest.

Sexism

A moderately detailed portrait of what Chris probably thought females looked like before meeting Mia Hamm.

Chris seems to consider a female sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he's ever held, he announced his desire to upload on the Internet a video of his first full sexual intercourse, even if his hypothetical partner refused to consent to it. After further prodding, he added that he would simply hide the camera, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public. In CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC, Chris indicated that if a woman accused him of being gay in person, he would sexually assault them by demanding they submit to a kiss and allow him to videotape the act, possibly as a way of proving his straightness.

For Chris, as stated above, a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy, existing only to validate him as a heterosexual. As long as they're straight and younger than him, of course.

Chris in the act

Christian professing his love for "Julie".

Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with Julie, and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes female positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo).

However, it should be noted that in most of Chris's Rule 34 drawings the characters do tend to assume positions which are fitting for their gender, including Chris. It might be that Chris adopts female positions not so much due to ignorance regarding sex, but more because of his identification with the opposite gender.

Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on display in For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV, involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris.

In the leaked media, Chris displays that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (bent duck, being overweight, lack of endurance) or psychological in nature (performance anxiety, high expectations, intrusive homoerotic thoughts, subconscious guilt about sex), or a combination thereof.

In 2018 the 2018 All Star video, Chris is seen tugging his duck along to the song. He remains flaccid the entire time; his inability to get an erection is possibly a side effect of HRT. If this is true, Chris will certainly not be getting any hanky-panky in the future.

During his time losing his virginity to a prostitute its worth noting that he first received a blowjob, than demanded cowgirl before possible missionary later; but luckily for her he couldn't last very long and finished just after she rid him for a bit; this is important as it points to 2 big problems with Chris; first his lack of self control due to him finishing so quickly, second is that he ordered possibly the laziest sex position in the book, with Mia doing pretty much all of the physical exercise with Chris being a lazy fuck.

Homosexuality

Main article: Chris and sexuality

Pedophilia

Main article: Pedofork

Bestiality

“	I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.	”
Chris to PandaHalo

Run, Patti, run!

Chris, sporting a homemade fursuit.

In December 2008, Chris told PandaHalo he would be willing to have sex with a female dog for her. However, in his interview with ScrewAttackEurope, Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form; so technically this isn't bestiality, as they're animals having sex with each other.

Chris suggested that Brian from Family Guy be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog.

In The Red-Maned Deer, Chris recites a poem he wrote about having sex with a deer, but at the end of it states, "This was, in fact, NOT an act of bestiality. For you see, the Red-Maned Deer I have been communicating with and tracking, is really...my lo-my womanly sweetheart, named Jacklyn Romy." The fact that the deer is Jackie is obvious, but in spite of this he explicitly stated that it was her at the end.

In a photo of the Rental House from June 2014, the Chandler minivan bears a bumper sticker reading "I Sleep with Dogs". What exactly this means is yet to be determined.

Is Chris a furry?

The Idea Guys were here. Chris was brainwashed into believing that he is a furry.

“	I am half-Sonichu and half-Pokemon, thus making me a "furry".	”
Chris, May 2018, during the aftermath of the Idea Guys saga.

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry was, for a long time, debated. There are some things that point in that direction. Chris-chan Sonichu is in many ways similar to a fursona. Chris has also used the character while cybering with Julie. Finally, in the Giant Penis Comic, Chris and Ivy both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. However, it was confirmed by Mimms and Lucas that Chris was actually prejudiced against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be homos.

Under the influence of the Idea Guys, in May 2018, Chris went back on another of his long-held beliefs. Becoming another of the things he used to loathe, Chris dubbed himself a furry. The Idea Guys also brainwashed him into believing he is in a polyamorous marriage with furry imaginary friends such as Magi-Chan and Cryzel, and Chris believes he has had sexual relations with these imaginary friends.

While Chris may loosely qualify as a furry via his obsession with anthropomorphic Electric Hedgehog Pokémon, he has not participated in the furry community itself.

Prostitution

Chris's leaked Facebook announcement that he had lost his virginity. Initially igniting a firestorm of controversy, Chris himself let it slip that she was found "somewhere on the backpage" soon after.

Given how badly Chris wanted to lose his virginity, many observers have wondered why he didn't immediately spend some of his tugboat on a prostitute. Mumble 4, from February 2009, answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was - in a rare display of common sense - afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by Jack Thaddeus in the summer of 2009, Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, in March 2009, Bryan Bash had sent a trio of prostitutes to Chris's house so he would no longer be a virgin with rage. Hilarity ensued.

By the beginning of 2010, Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his conversations with Vivian Gee, around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th birthday. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when begging the Wallflower for sex on YouTube in March 2010.

Between April and July 2010, under the name of Carlos Chantor, Chris tried to offer himself up as a male escort. He described himself as "Experienced for Her Pleasure", with an average body type.

Later, under the guise of his troll persona JenkinsJinkies, Chris attempted to acquire the contact details of the hookers Brian Bash had previously hired. While it is possible that Chris merely wished to make his disguise more convincing by implying that 14 year old Jenkins wished to hire prostitutes, it seems far more likely that Chris actually was considering hiring Brian's girls.

In April 2012 a Facebook status leaked in which Chris announced that he was no longer a virgin. Suspicion arose that this was due to the help of a hooker. Chris provided further evidence suggesting that the girl was a prostitute on 1 May when he wrote in a Facebook note that his virgin breaker can be found "somewhere on the backpage", a website known for featuring sex service ads. On 28/29 June 2014 Chris openly admitted that his first time was with a prostitute, and that he had sex with her twice.

In June 2016, Chris himself made another attempt to enter the prostitution business, now as a trans woman, going by the name "Stephanie Bustcakes". Predictably, Chris was unable to find any "women of any orientation" who were interested in paying him $100 to have sex either "one way or the lesbian way", and the Stephanie Bustcakes persona has not yet reappeared.

In April 2018, Chris, facing serious financial issues and having recently been brainwashed into bisexuality, made a tweet offering to give blowjobs for money. However, the post may have been made under the influence of the Idea Guys, and few of Chris's fans have any interest in taking up his offer to verify.

Incest

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“	I, myself, Did have dreams of having sex with my mother.	”
Chris, 2016

Chris having sex with his "son," Sonichu, in order to fulfill a prophecy to bring Crystal into the world.

Crystal, Chris's imaginary twin sister, appeared as a "girlfriend" card he made for Yu-Gi-Oh!, and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the Sonichu comics well after being established as Chris's twin. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his Electric Hedgehog Pokémon are all related (despite their type and appearance differences, they all come from Sonic and the same male Pikachu-apart from that fact, they were all created by Chris and acknowledge him as such- Sonichu and Rosechu calling him father), but many of them are paired off with one-another (notably Sonichu/Rosechu, Bubbles/Blake, and Magi/Silvana- Simonla was technically made by someone else), banging and some even having kids. Chris's own comic children are a form of incest- as Chris impregnated himself with his navy. Chris shrugs off all medical/science facts and lists the two as perfectly healthy and Autism Free

Chris first expounded his views on incest to the internet on 31 January 2009 during the first Mumble chat, when it was revealed that he did not fully understood the meaning of the word "incest". While he showed aversion toward incest in the chat, his condemnation of it was lukewarm, saying that he would only "definitely discourage that" and that lesbian incest is "possibly OK" due to no reproduction being involved. Compare this to his statements about male homosexuality from the same chat ("I hate homo males [...] I'd sooner have a sex change before I would ever turn into a homo") or to his statements about male homosexuality from earlier that month, saying that he would make it a crime and force its practitioners into having sex with members of the opposite gender.

A year later, Chris's views became staunch. When a correspondent in the Mailbag pointed out that Chris's state allows cousin marriage but not same-sex marriage, Chris furiously denied it and wrote, "Cousin-Marriage is just as Terrible and Unholy as MARRYING YOUR OWN MOTHER OR FATHER!" When another correspondent responded to Chris by saying that he is happily married to his cousin and that their marriage is indeed legal in Virginia, Chris answered him by saying he was destined to hell for his relationship, not realizing that incest is shown in a positive light in the Bible. When the subject came up again in the next mailbag, Chris said that sexual relations between cousins are just as wrong as incest between parents and their children or between siblings, and that all those relationships were condemned in the "same part" of the Bible, which is not actually true.

During the Idea Guy saga, the troll convinced Chris that Magi-Chan foretold of a prophecy in which Crystal would be born by Chris mating with Sonichu. He also informed Chris that if this was drawn, he wouldn't have to do it in real life. Chris complied. During the nonsensical issue 13 of Sonichu incest is unsurprisingly everywhere, from Chris Chan Sonichu getting married to Magichan to Chris and Sonichu raping each other.

Dreams of sex with Barb

On 10 August 2016, Chris posted a response to a mother-son couple who were arrested for incest. He admitted to "[having] dreams of having sex with my mother" but "Never acting on them ever." Among other things, he also implied that incest "offers a chance for better teaching the child how to better satisfy their eventual partner(s)." All this is in stark contrast to his earlier condemnation of incest, which raises the question of whether Chris was being TRUE and HONEST but changed his opinion later thanks to his growing degeneracy, or the likelier possibility it was all for show.

I have a few things to say in response to this article. Firstly, the child was over 18, and surely the mother has talked it out with him beforehand. The child might have had social problems, or a situation where socializing or going out to socialize with other people, was a Greater Difficulty. Financial situation to prevent paying someone else to come over and help out in the situation. Moreover, it was the lifelong affections between parent and child. Also, the mother probably could not bear any ovum for children anymore. Anyhow, who among Everyone in this world has not had a dream of having sex with one of their parents? Never acting on them ever, I, myself, Did have dreams of having sex with my mother. Although incest is quite controversial topic, but there are circumstances where there would be not so much harm as one may think, feel or believe. The child is over 18; the mother is unable to have any more children at the time; birth control and protection is available and can be used (in a case of father/daughter, birth control Definitely should be used anyhow). Also, consider if the child is adopted; not as much biological. Plus, this offers a chance for better teaching the child how to better satisfy their eventual partner(s). The schools can only teach from books; not so much practice. And Nobody wants to end up being a 20 or 30-plus year old Virgin. I know; That is a Huge, Enduring Pain. Unless the sex act was abusive, hurtful, or Would result in an unwanted birth of a physical or mental challenged child, I would not judge or persecute the parent and child. I would encourage the child to socialize more; maybe make it easier for the child to meet more people his/her age. Do Not send the mother and son to jail!

On 13 September 2019, while role-playing as Magi-Chan, Chris would describe Barb as a "guilty pleasure waifu."

Rape

PROTIP: Despite your worst fears, Chris won't rape anybody, so stop saying that.

Chris is very apathetic about the idea of rape. When PandaHalo told him she was raped by Clyde, he reacted nonchalantly. He even thought it would be appropriate for Panda to move in with her rapist, whom he called a "good man" for regretting the rape and for being willing to take care of the ensuing child. Later on, long after the PandaHalo saga was over, he would wish her and her rapist a happy marriage. In iPods Down and Listen Up, he doesn't seem to realize that his improvised lyrics detail a sexual act that would almost certainly be construed by others as rape. More recently, he has taken to comparing his ordeals with the trolls to rape in his Facebook posts.

As far as Chris being a potential rapist is concerned, during a particularly disturbing chat, he (incognito) suggested that the trolls try to convince him to rape Rocky Shoemaker. He also evidently see's no issue with rape by fraud (essentially having sex with someone while tricking them into believing you're somebody else, meaning they didn't consent with you) as seen with his comic book counterpart when he travels forwards in time to have sex with his future wife lovely weather in the guise of being his future self (whom is definitely a different person in the future). During the Kacey Calls he attempted unsuccessfully to lure her to his place in the guise of being Liquid Chris, again seeing absolutely nothing wrong with that.

In all likelihood, though, these parts of his behavior are most likely explained by the keys to understanding his behavior overall: his ignorance about the world and his persecution complex causes him to be quite naïve about how bad rape actually is. With the Rocky situation above, he likely said that as part of an odd, roundabout scheme to get the trolls arrested, but it's still pretty fucked up that he'd even suggest something like this, let alone tell her about it after.

Chris has a surprisingly mature moral opinion on the subject of abortion in cases of rape; in one of the Kacey Calls, he states he believes that abortion in these cases should be the choice of the victim only and that they should not be pressured by others in their decision.

One might assume that he will one day try to rape someone due to this mindset and stalker tendencies, but this scenario is highly unlikely. For instance, he tried to kiss Emily and gave up when she said no, showing that he does understand the importance of consent....or at least, he used to. Unfortunately, it seems that as of 2014, he has decided that he won't take "no" for an answer, and basically molested Catherine during their second outing by hugging her and burying his head in her breasts even after she flatly told him not to. This gets even more disturbing when you consider this e-mail, where Chris outright says that he's "entitled to a relationship".

He also doesn't have a history of violence (indeed, quite, quite the opposite), and aside from his habit of dishing out threats he can't possibly carry out, Chris is physically very weak and unfit, and simply could not overpower an able-bodied person - the only outcome of him attempting it would be a swift knee to the duck followed by a rousing round of America's favorite game. However, given Catherine's experience with Chris during their outing (in her words, she was taken by surprise and couldn't react to it), potential sweethearts should still exercise some caution around him.

Interestingly, Chris details in Announcement 06292016 that he wants all men to stay an arm's length distance away from him. Along with showing the insecurities he possesses concerning men, Chris seems to think that he is female enough or attractive enough that a man would want to rape him.

Contraceptives

“	Confidentially, I wear a condom during the second half when I masturbate; I use Trojan or LIfestyles brand (Trojan mostly) And I used condoms when I fooled with the L.D.s as well.	”
Chris, Jackie E-mails 1

Condoms, or as Chris has called them "raincoats", are thin latex coverings worn over a man's penis for the purpose of birth control. However, Chris seemed to understand the condom as more of a symbol for promoting safe premarital sex rather than as a contraceptive. Aside from promoting safe sex and justifying premarital sex, Chris has also drawn his male Sonichu characters with condoms in order to censor their penises. Chris has stated that before his third date with Blanca, he'd wear a condom for the first two times they've had sex, only to have non-protected sex by the third date, showing that he also believed that condoms serve more as some kind of gateway to pregnancy. Chris had a box of chocolate-flavored condoms that he purchased to be prepared for his first time. Chris had given a few different dates for when they expired; some time in 2010 and January 2013. Chris reportedly also wore a condom that was flavored like green apple while engaging in sex with Mia Hamm.. Its not entirely clear whether the condom was entirely successful or not due to him mentioning that a "Smidge" of Navy had leaked out after their first round together, meaning he either kept them in his pocket far too long, the condom didn't fit entirely properly around his Duck, he became flaccid way faster than he should have, or he's an idiot who mistook a smear of lube or vaginal discharge for semen. For those wondering however, it's probably safe to assume Mia Hamm won't be harbouring Crystal any time soon; even by some non-existent chance he managed to get her pregnant, she would have likely been on the pill anyway.

See also

• China
• Chris and his Ego
• Chris and gender
• Chris and sexuality
• Chris Sex Logs
• Duck
• Homos
• Mass debating
• Naive
• Pickle
• Semen
• ShecameforCWC.JPG
• Women's rights