Bob Chandler

"Bob" redirects here. For the troll occasionally known as Bob, see Robert Simmons V.

“	This ain't my time yet.	”
Bob laughing at death

Bob is old. He makes sure to let you know that.

The Internet Lumberjack in his Final Form.

Robert Franklin Chandler Jr. (04 September 1927–some time this week) is Chris's father.

Despite being a racist and homophobic redneck, Bob became a firm favorite with trolls due to Chris's intense dislike of him and Bob's infamous cameo when he walked in on Chris fapping. His nickname, the "Internet Lumberjack", comes from this incident.

While loathed by and estranged from his other children and step-child, Bob is still viewed as a better parent than his wife Barbara, due to him being somewhat concerned with Chris's current status as a virgin with rage, and the fact that he occasionally tries to guilt him into being more considerate by bringing up the fact that he's devoted 28 years to raising a selfish manchild. Of course, Chris is unfazed by these attempts.

To date, Bob has conversed with numerous trolls. Thanks to his tendency to yap on, more information has become known.

Biography

Bob is a pretty "old fashioned" type of guy.

Service and education

Bob was born in Texas and raised in Alabama.

Bob was drafted after World War II and placed in the Signal Corps. There, he learned how to install valve systems, switchboards, and telephones. When he got out, he couldn't get a job and so went to college on the G.I. Bill.

Since he figured he'd get "swallowed up" at a big college, Bob picked a small college to study Pre-Engineering for two years. He was also in a band and learned a lot about music. He then moved onto Auburn University, a big college, to earn his engineering degree. As an engineer, he never learned to spell properly.

Career

Bob worked for Western Electric for 40 years. Using skills learned in the army, he built for the company their first automatic [something] (it's unclear what Bob says here). General Electric heard about it and offered him a job in upstate New York. Since New York is too cold for Bob, he moved away after three years, working in North Carolina for some time. He worked with both Goodrich and Goodyear.

With General Electric, Bob was responsible for at least seven patents. Barbara claimed, in an e-mail to Miyamoto, that because of Bob's influence in the computer world, the NES "might not have arrived so soon" (despite video game technology actually being pioneered by Ralph Baer).

As examples of Bob's accom-PLISH-ments, as Chris would say, he automated a steel mill for rolling steel for cars, a paper mill for papers into the form of Kleenex, warehousing, railroads, and tanker ships. He designed scooters, die casting machines, and machines for producing plastic products. A fact that both Chris and Barbara have bragged about is that Bob designed controls for plastic water [container] molding machines...

World consciousness

Bob learning how to cut that Internet down.

...on the other hand, Bob himself is proud of his "natural inclination for logic," although he is "inundated" by all his designs and whether he did good for the world.

Speaking of the world, Bob has been interested in it since he was 10, and has become very world conscious as a believer in the United Nations. He began by collecting foreign stamps in the 1930s. He has collected 15,000–20,000 LPs from various genres and cultures. Bob traveled the world in his day for business and pleasure.

Politically, Bob identifies as a Republican, and did not vote for Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

In a potentially damaging moment on 18 February 2009, Bob doubted the existence of Molvanîa, Julie's fictional country of origin. However, he continued talking under the assumption that Molvanîa was under Russian control.

Health and late life

Robert had English ancestry.

Bob lives on social security and General Electric pension. He hasn't really had people to chat with (he loves to ramble if the person shows some slight interest), so he sits around, listens to music, and takes care of the garden inside the greenhouse. With a 1970s stereo system set up in the greenhouse, he goes to "swing with the music" on his swing there.

Bob has had two triple bypasses and four heart attacks. He wears a pacemaker. He attributes his long life to the Cherokee in him. His uncles and grandfather all lived to 90-100.

A major question in the troll community is what will happen if and when Bob dies before Barbara.

On 1 March 2010, Chris Twittered that Bob had been taken to the hospital in the early morning for congested [sic] heart failure. Chris seemed confident that his father would be coming home shortly. Considering Bob's age, lifestyle, and long history of heart disease, Chris's outlook on the situation may be premature, if not extremely optimistic. Bob is the only thing keeping the Chandler household from imploding, and as such, trolls and white knights alike wish him the best.

As of 9 March 2010, nothing more is known about Bob's condition other than that he was in the hospital for congestive heart failure. Information about his condition may be hard to come by, as we only learn something once it has inconvenienced Chris enough for him to come online and complain about it. Statistically, congestive heart failure is not as immediately fatal as its name implies. But again, Bob's age, prior heart attacks and lifestyle make this a serious matter.

Chris has not been in front of the camera for several days, but this may have more to do with the impending rape slow seduction of his new mentally-challenged gal pal than anything to do with his father. If Bob dies, or is already dead, Chris's current writing project and Little Big Planet foray will likely become the gold standard for Chris-Chan selfishness and abject retardation.

To learn more about Bob's current condition (we can at least assume it is horizontal) trolls may have to resort to actually calling Martha Jefferson Hospital - General Information (434) 654-7000. The only other way to keep tabs on Bob's health might be to read the Charlottesville obituaries.

Relationships

Previous family

Bob is out of contact with his son David Alan Chandler and daughter Carol Suzanne Chandler, who both lead successful careers. For example, Chris did not know he had a niece named Savannah until she was 8 years old.

Barbara

With Barb

To continue with the music theme, Bob and Barbara met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing. According to Chris, Barbara did the pursuing: "She chased him down the hall." This is probably why he figures that he could get away with being passive in terms of courtship. In contrast, Cole's friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards. They got married in 1980.

According to Chris, Barbara has not had sex with Bob for at least two decades. They have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years. This is possibly due to an attempt to avoid spawning another subhuman freak like Chris.

Cole

Bob married Barbara when her son Cole was 17, around the time Cole left to lead his own life.

Cole feels that Bob's bitterness worked to separate his relationship with his mother. Cole will celebrate "when that fuck Bob finally drops." Cole said that he and Bob share a mutual hatred, though we have no evidence yet that Bob hates Cole. In the least, it is certain that Bob knows Cole doesn't like him.

Chris

“	Get away from the Internet! I'm cutting it down, right now.	”
Bob Chandler, Internet lumberjack.

"You tell them that you fell down some stairs or else I'm cutting down your Nintendo."

Bob wishes Chris was more interested in the world. He tried to teach Chris, but he thinks (and rightly so) that Chris doesn't understand countries and continents beyond what he's seen on TV, and only can associate with the places he's been in Virginia.

Bob's joke that Barack Obama would paint the White House black as soon as he became president influenced Chris to draw it in Sonichu 8.

“	well, my father is a major stressor against me; starts arguements[sic], annoys me, rarely washes his hands after restroom breaks (lord knows I've tried to encourage him to wash numerous time, and rarely succeeded.	”
Chris, IRC (31 December 2008)

After meeting with Bob personally and finding him to be quite pleasant and amicable, it became obvious that he wasn't "starting arguments", as Chris asserts, but rather most likely rightfully criticizing Chris's behaviors and encouraging to better himself, which would involve work, and Chris is too lazy to do that. It has been reported Bob will mention to him that he has taken care of his autistic ass for 27 years and so Chris should be more grateful. But selfish and apathetic Chris couldn't give two shits, figuring that they're obligated as parents to take care of his autistic ass, seeing no reason he should demonstrate any foreign concepts like "love", "support", "gratitude", and "willingness to help".

Chris has said specifically that he doesn't have to love his father, but has to respect him.

Audio and video appearances

In every appearance, Bob has proved himself to be better at charming Chris's sweethearts than Chris himself.

• 14 February 2009: Bob Walks In to Chris mass debating.
• 18 February 2009: In BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5 and 3.7, Bob rambles to Julie.
• 15 March 2009: Bob talked to Robert Simmons V at church while Chris went to shit himself.
• March 2009: Bob chaperoned Chris on his date with Emily.
• 27 March 2009: Bob gets intruded by Chris in the Tour of Christian's House, but is not visible.
• 27 August 2009: Bob enters Chris's room and scolds him for making the house tour video, (correctly) fearing that if someone saw the house as it was, they would be evicted (Uncut version only). This is a momentous occasion, showing some awareness on the part of the Chandlers that the filth and squalor they live in is a health hazard. This video subsequently off a wave of emails and calls to the Greene County Health Department, masterminded by trolls who hoped to realize Bob's fear of eviction, but the campaign was seemingly unsuccessful.
• November 2009: Bob and Snorlax make a brief appearance at the end of the Kacey and Liquid Call.

Gallery

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  Bob at Christmas time.

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  The epitome of handsome.

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  Bob with Aunt Corina.

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  Notice Chris's discomfort.

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  Bob won't let a fence get in the way of cutting down Chris's Internet.

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  Bob: fashion icon.

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  When Bob isn't arguing with Chris or cutting down his Internet, he enjoys gardening.

Tired of "Good Fan Art"? Visit our constantly expanding Gallery of Evil Fan Art! There's even a whole section dedicated to Bob Chandler!

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