Cole Smithey
| Chandler Family | |
|---|---|
| |
| Cole Smithey | |
| Birth Name | Joseph Cole Smithey |
| Nicknames | The Smartest Film Critic in the World Coleslaw |
| D.O.B. | 24 July 1963 (age 61) |
| Gender | Male |
| Nationality | American |
| Race | White |
| Parents | Ran Coleman Yeatts (alleged biological father) Barbara Chandler (mother) Jack Dale Smithey (father, as claimed by Barb) Jerry Harmon (stepfather) Robert Chandler (stepfather) |
| Marriages | Katherine (2013-present) |
| Occupation(s) | Film critic, musician |
| “ | Let me know when that fuck Bob finally drops. | ” |
| Cole[1] | ||
| “ | I do not regret giving birth to Cole. | ” |
| Barbara Chandler[2] | ||
Joseph Cole Smithey (born 24 July 1963)[3] is Chris's half-brother, Barbara's first son, and lone escapee of the Casa De Chandler. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. Cole's emails to Chris revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.
Life
Childhood
Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.[4] As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" Jerry Harmon with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios."[5]
Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.[5] Cole believes his biological father to be Ran Coleman Yeatts, who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.
Barb married Ran on 17 June 1961. He deserted her at some point afterwards, probably around '62[6]. She formally divorced him on 15 May 1963. Cole was born two months later.[7]
Barb and Ran's marriage license.
The divorce.
In his article Saturday Night Special, Cole recounts his coming to age. This includes a particular event where Barbara fires a loaded gun at a steel door to ward off a burglar, the resulting ricochet of which almost striking young Cole in the head. These events have obviously had a lasting impression on him.
Move to California
Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College and took similar classes.[8] While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs." The band lasted from 1981–85.[9] By 1994, still in San Francisco, Cole was doing shows as "Cole Blooded," and had apparently shifted to the guitar.
Present
—An oddly-fitting excerpt from Cole's infamous Toy Story 3 review.[10] |
Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.[11] He was mentioned once in Time magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3, resulting in many Pixar fans crying out in disgust that a movie franchise that looked to be the only one with purely 100% ratings on RT was ruined by him and Armond White.[12] (Several years later, in an interview with Arthur Spatchcock, Chris stated that he disagreed with his brother's review even though he hadn't seen the film.)
Cole occasionally hosts eBay auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night with him drinking craft beer at his wife's bar and talking about film, proving that despite one half-brother being a wannabe pretentious, hipster douchebag and the other being a retarded manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.[13]
Billing himself as "The Smartest Film Critic in the World," (a title that esteemed film critic Roger Ebert once mocked[14]) Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low view counts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few dozen, even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that, ironically, the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother. It probably doesn't help matters that Cole Smithey's videos have low production values and negative reviews of well-received films. On a sidenote, he also considers Freddy Got Fingered (a film often considered to be either so-bad-it's-good, or even one of the worst of all time) to be "Classic Cinema".
—An example of Cole Smithey's obsession with big words[15] |
By March 2007, Cole was in a relationship with a woman named Katherine (no, not her).[16] This is most likely the same Katherine he married in March 2013.[17] Given that Cole mentioned an earlier wedding during his correspondance with Chris, it appears that Katherine is his second wife, unless the "wedding" in 2013 was actually a renewal of vows.[5]
According to an article written by his friend, syndicated cartoonist Ted Rall, Cole once came close to death from necrotizing fasciitis after an ER nurse made a misdiagnosis[18], and believes that 2016 presidential candidate Bernie Sanders' rise can be attributed to the "failure of propaganda."[19]
Cole has co-hosted a free weekly podcast called LA GRANDE BOUFFE (THE BIG FEAST)[20] since 23 April 2016.
Relationship with Barbara and Bob
Cole was not on good terms with Bob or Barbara. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."[5] In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.[16]
Cole claims Barbara lied about the identity of Cole's biological father. Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to Jack Dale Smithey, Cole's alleged father, but rather to Ran Coleman Yeatts. In a leaked e-mail sent to Jackie on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that Cole "has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.
Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own. Chris has complained that Cole is ignoring Barb's attempts to get in touch with him. It would seem that Cole has left his mother to her own devices.
Relationship with Chris
Ironically, for much of his life Cole has actually gotten along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb, and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know who your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.
Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the abusive babysitter, which suggests that he believes that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault. Chris visited Cole in California when he was about seven years old, according to Barb.[21] This is the only time Chris has been on an airplane[22] and one of the few times that he has left Virginia.
For New Years' Day 1998 Chris gave Cole a Lego Band Stand and wished him a "Rocking New Year." However, in 1999 on a Spanish exercise, Chris described "Cole the Beedrill" as muy feo (very ugly), suggesting relations had strained, probably because of Barb (although he may also have referred to the aspect of the actual Pokémon species).[23] Nevertheless, Cole visited for Chris's 18th birthday party in 2000. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him A CD For Cole Smithey! Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover.
The last time they set eyes on each other was around 2005 at a family Christmas party.[24]
In July 2007, Chris sent an e-mail asking for Cole's vote in the PaRappa contest. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.[25] Chris did ask his mother about it, but she maintained her version of the story. Chris was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is (though in Chris's defense, getting involved in an awkward quarrel about parentage is a pretty odd price for a simple upvote on a video.) This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris. To date, these remain the last known communications between the half-brothers as Cole probably distanced himself even further from Chris since only a couple of months later, the GAMe PLACe photograph was posted onto 4chan, thus beginning Chris's infamy on the internet.
In recent years Chris has made numerous efforts to get in touch with Cole, to no avail. In October 2013 he told his friend Rebeckah, "I have no confirmed or direct contact with him in NY; he doesn't respond to email, twitter feed, Facebook, YouTube, etcetera, either. So, I am most unable to reach him at all."[26] On 22 June 2013, Chris attempted to contact Cole via video. He recorded a message directed to John Kyle,[27] Cole's brother-in-law, who sang at his wedding.[17] Chris expressed anger at Cole for not inviting him and Barb to his wedding. In the same month, Chris tried to communicate with Cole on Twitter, basically telling him to come back home so he could dump his familial responsibilities on him and go on his Sweetheart Search. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own (even talking down to him at one point) right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail.
In August 2015, Chris tried yet again to reach out to Cole, this time through Facebook, hoping that a flurry of hashtags would work their magic. In November 2015 he returned to YouTube with a video depiction of a battle in which Chris and his allies face off against Cole, his other step-brother, and his step-sister in Super Smash Bros. "OUR Mother is Still Alive; I REALLY want you to make amends and get close, once again, to her before Her time runs out," he wrote in the description. The following day he arranged a similar fight among his Amiibo figurines and angrily accused Cole of being possessed by the spirit of Count Graduon. He posted an image of his Cole Amiibo on Facebook. In this spat of postings Chris attempts to be appear concerned about Cole not being around for their mother's twilight years, thinly veiling his real concerns.
Chris has two explanations for this falling-out with his half-brother, both fed to him by Barb. First, Cole has been entirely misled about Barb's character by the lies of other family members. "She is the opposite of what hate they filled Cole's head with," Chris asserts.[28] Second, Cole's "mental problems" caused by his childhood injury mean that he has "taken it out heavily on our mother."[29] "Lord Knows What Else goes on through his head," Chris has concluded, demonstrating that more than anything else, Cole is almost entirely unknown to Chris. For the most part, the main trait Chris seems to be aware of regarding his half-brother is that he has a career and makes a living. This, in traditional Chris fashion, means opportunity and progressively his attempts to reach out have more and more focused on Cole financially supporting Chris and Barb, returning Chris to the idyllic balance he enjoyed with Bob as the responsible man in the house.
In June 2016, Chris posted a Facebook rant about Cole alleging that he and his wife spend two thousand dollars a month on rent for an apartment in Carnegie Hall. Even though renting an apartment near Carnegie Hall can easily cost twice as much, this lack of research didn't stop Chris from depicting his half-brother as having money to "piss and burn" while simultaneously begging him for money.
Cole in the comics
While he has not directly appeared in Sonichu, in the CWCipedia profile for Rosechu there is a "Professor Cole", assumed to be a version of Cole Smithey, listed as the one who gave Kel the Pichu who would become Rosechu. The custom Amiibo depicting Cole as a Jerkop seems to forshadow his presence as a villain in the CWCville universe.
Gallery
Sources
- ↑ 24 July 2007 email #3
- ↑ 6 March 2007 email, page 1
- ↑ A CD For Cole Smithey!
- ↑ Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 6 March 2007 email, page 2
- ↑ https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/page-5#post-2009970
- ↑ https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/
- ↑ http://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa
- ↑ The Rockin' Dogs | San Diego Reader
- ↑ Toy Story 3 - ColeSmithey.com
- ↑ http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/
- ↑ http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/
- ↑ http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221
- ↑ http://www.colesmithey.com/filmblog/2009/04/my-dialogue-with-roger.html
- ↑ http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2014/07/wild-strawberries.html
- ↑ 16.0 16.1 Cole Smithey E-mails
- ↑ 17.0 17.1 John Kyle - Three Love Songs at Katherine and Cole's Wedding (retrieved on 24 February 2014)
- ↑ [1]
- ↑ [2]
- ↑ https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/la-grande-bouffe-the-big-feast/id1120760479?mt=2
- ↑ Rental House Tour#Time to go
- ↑ Mumble 1
- ↑ Manchester High Leaks
- ↑ Jackie E-mails 27
- ↑ United States Social Security Death Index
- ↑ Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too
- ↑ Message for John Kyle
- ↑ Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too
- ↑ Jackie E-mails 26
External links
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