Mumble 9

Mumble 9 is the ninth of the Mumble chats involving Chris.

Summary

In the short ninth chat,

• Chris enters a room full of the Miscreants.
• The trolls tell Chris that their mission is to stop him from ever getting china, and that they have many operatives including the infamous Jason Kendrick Howell.
• Arjen begins yelling at Chris, calling him a fag, and Chris screams about his dead Aunt Corina and leaves the chat.

Transcript

Clyde: Welcome to the brothers, the Miscreants.
[Trolls pipe in with "Brother!"]
Clyde: All right-
Chris: Stop this. Look, I did that vid- look, I did the- first off, I did that video just for Julie. And her brother found it on her computer and uploaded it to the YouTube without neither of our consent.
[pause]
Clyde: Do you understand what the Miscreants are, that her brother is part of it? He has been a very valuable member. [pause] Do you understand what the Miscreants are, Chris? Do you understand why we're here, fool?
Chris: Let me guess, you're all a bunch of trolls, aren't you.
Trolls: No-
Clyde: NO.
Chris: [incoherent]
Clyde: Look. Ever since Evan from /v/- well, you don't know what /v/ is, but ever since Evan posted those gay pictures with the "masturbatin' and squirtin'"- we have been there, from the beginning.
[pause]
Chris: What?
Clyde: Don't you remember Evan, the person who sent you gay pictures of Sonichu and you having sex? [Chris sighs] In 2007?
Troll: Don't tell me Chris, the stress is going to make you leave. I'm sorry, guys, would you stop stressing him?
Clyde: SILENCE! [pause] Do you remember?
Chris: Yeah.
Clyde: Do you remember Jason- always a valuable member, always willing to take the fall for me- c- creating the ED page, getting their e-mails? He was a good member too. [pause] And can't you remember Blanca, the one who destroyed your medallion? Remember?
Chris: Yeah.
Clyde: All part of the Miscreants, Chris. And the latest member: Sarah McKenzie. Or, you know her as Panda. She's not dead. She's alive, at my side. Panda's sleeping right now, I shouldn't be talking so loud, anyway- yes. I can't believe you fell for her.
[pause, a troll says something incoherent]
Clyde: We've been here from the beginning. Do you know why, Chris?
[pause]
Chris: You're trying to make a slander out of me and a fool? Or just pick on me-
Clyde: What?
Chris: Or just to pick on-
Clyde: No, no! The goal is to make sure you never get laid. That is the goal of the Miscreants.
Troll: VIRGINIA IS FOR VIRGINS.
Other Troll: Our goal is that you are a virgin, foreva!
Chris: I ask you, why do y'all have to pick on me like this?
Clyde: You don't care about women. That is why.
Chris: [talking over Clyde's second sentence] I do care about women.
Troll: And you are a disgusting pig.
Clyde: [at the same time as troll] Then why are there females in our operation against you?
[pause]
Chris: [sigh] I know y'all are doin'- I know y'all are doin' it- or have been doin' this just for the laughs against me.
Troll: We have?
Chris: But don't y'all have to-
Troll: This is far more than laughs, Chris-chan.
Other Troll: This is serious.
[pause]
Troll: You are a foul, stinky pig that must be eradicated from this Earth.
Clyde: No, no, he must not be eradicated. He must be made an example of, of a horrible man, destined to never, ever, have a wife, or even girlfriends.
Chris: SHUT. UP! Why do you have to pick on me like this? You don't need to do this! Don't you all have lives of your own? Can't you go find your own sweethearts to do with? I'm not even-
Clyde: Why do you think this whole operation matters, Chris? Why do you think a sweetheart will solve everything?
Chris: [sigh]
Troll: We have lots to talk-
Chris: Look, I care-
Troll: We must protect the women from you.
Chris: Look, I care about the women for their own personalities.
Troll: No you don't!
Chris: Yes I do!
Troll: LIES.
Other Troll: Bullshit.
Third Troll: Lies! You don't resp-[is cut off]
Chris: Yes I do respect respect women.
[People talk over each other]
Chris: I care about their personalities, you bastards!
Clyde: What?
Chris: I ca- I care about their personalities. I care about them- about how they feel. I care about- everything about them. They-
Female Troll: Chris, you don't respect them. You only respect their cunts.
[pause]
Chris: [sigh] What?
Troll: You gotta respect the ladies, man.
Chris: I do respect the ladies.
Clyde: No you don't. Prove it.
Chris: Alright, how do ya want me to prove it?
Clyde: Exactly; you can't!
Chris: I can prove it, I'm just not sure how- how do you want me to prove that I respect the women that I- like I do?
Troll: Because you don't. You don't know how. You can't.
Chris: I can prove it. Now what do you want me to do to prove myself?
Clyde: You have to figure that one out on your own. Otherwise- if we tell you, then, we've already given you the answer! Nobody tell him!
Chris: [sigh] Jesus Christ.
[pause]
Clyde: Julie has ruined this. Why did you have to go for the true and honest love- we had Sarah May distract you from her, but no, she failed. [pause] But it's not gonna be a problem soon.
Chris: You leave, you leave Julie alone!
Clyde: No. [Troll makes buzzer sound] I need to protect her, from you. I'd rather have her marry me.
Chris: Look, Clyde, we've already- look, Clyde, I was- I listened to you. And I've been thinking about the job situation. I have-
Clyde: Look, I don't care about any of that anymore. Ever since you said you hate the Chinese to her, to Julie-
Chris: Wait, wait a minute, what?
Troll: Chris-
Other Troll: I LOVE NIPPON.
Clyde: You said it yourself. Don't deny it. You hate the Chinese. You said that yourself. You made a mockery-
Chris: [interrupts] I NEVER SAID THAT! I never said I hated the Chinese!
Troll: Yeah, you totally said that, dawg.
Clyde: Don't try to lie-
Chris: I never said that!
Clyde: I heard your computer. I've been listening to you. Don't you dare lie to me!
Chris: I don't even remember saying anything like that.
Female Troll: We all remember.
Indian Troll: I remember.
Clyde:[unintelligible] you pig, it was something [unintelligible] to Julie, you said something like "Ohhh, me so Chinese" and then Julie said something like "So was that Chinese or Japanese?" and you said "Who cares? They all speak the same!" Don't you remember?
Trolls: Yes, yeah, yes.
Chris: Okay okay, I'm sorry I said that.
Clyde: No you aren't! [cries of protest from trolls]
Clyde: ...but then you say you hate the Chinese. How is that not racist? [more cries]
Chris: Look, look, look, I respect the Chinese. [lots of people talking at once]
Chris: I WAS TRYING TO MAKE JULIE SMILE!
Clyde: ...you say that with the Chinese
Troll: By being hateful?
Chris: I was trying to make Julie smile by making her laugh.
Troll: Julie is an idiot.
Clyde: That is horrible Chris. This is why you are-this is why no one should ever be with you, ever.
Troll: DESTINED TO VIRGINTUDE FOREVER.
Chris:[stress sigh] Will y'all just leave me alone-leave her alone?
Female Troll: No
Clyde: No. We must convince her that you are the most despicable man. She's a little naive, but we'll turn her.
Troll: We do.
Chris: Stop, leave her alone!
Clyde: We're not leaving her alone. This is for her own good.
Female Troll: We're trying to help her Chris, don't you see?
Chris: No![stress sigh]
Troll: Again, be a man and put some fucking base into your voice, you pig!
Chris: What?!
Clyde: You sound like a little girl, how is that manly in any way?
Chris: Y'all are making me very nervous right now.
Troll: How are we making you nervous?
Chris: Y'all are ticking-y'all are fuckin' and ticking me-y'all are fucking pissing me OFF right now. [noise]
Clyde: Look, it's not you who should be pissed at us, it's we who are pissed at you. You are a despicable human being.
Chris: Look, I was-Julie asked me to send her that video, alright?

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Mumble Chat 9.5 ⇒

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