Bob Chandler

"Bob" redirects here. For the troll occasionally known as Bob, see Robert Simmons V.

PROTIP: No, he isn't dead, as far as we know.

“	I’ve seen crosses burning, fella. I've seen 'em. And you don’t wanna see it.	”
Bob

“	This ain't my time yet.	”
Bob laughing at death

Chandler family
Bob Chandler
Birth name	Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.
Nicknames	Internet Lumberjack That fuck Bob
D.O.B.	4 September 1927
Gender	Male
Nationality	American
Race	White (1/16th Cherokee)
Parents	Robert (father)
Education	Auburn University (engineering)
Occupation(s)	Military communications, engineer

The Internet Lumberjack in his final form

Robert Franklin Chandler Jr. (born 4 September 1927) is the father of Christian Weston Chandler, Carol Chandler and David Alan Chandler, and husband of Barbara Weston Chandler. Bob became a firm favorite with trolls due to Chris's intense dislike of him and Bob's infamous cameo when he walked in on Chris mass debating. His nickname, "the Internet Lumberjack," comes from this incident.

While loathed by and estranged from his other children and step-child, Bob is still viewed as a better parent than his wife Barbara, due to him being somewhat concerned with Chris's current status as a virgin with rage, and the fact that he occasionally tries to guilt him into being more considerate by bringing up the fact that he's devoted 29 years to raising a selfish manchild. Of course, Chris is unfazed by these attempts.

To date, Bob has conversed with numerous trolls. Thanks to his tendency to yap on, more information has become known.

Biography

"I seen crosses burnin', fella."

Service and education

Bob was born in Fort Worth, Texas and raised in Alabama.

Bob was drafted after World War II and placed in the Signal Corps. There, he learned how to install valve systems, switchboards, and telephones, and got to visit the beautiful North Korea. When he got out, he couldn't get a job and so went to college on the G.I. Bill.

Since he figured he'd get "swallowed up" at a big college, Bob picked a small college to study pre-Engineering for two years. He was also in a band and learned a lot about music. He then moved onto Auburn University, a big college, to earn his engineering degree. As an engineer, he never learned to spell properly.

Career

Bob worked for Western Electric for forty years. Using skills learned in the Army, he built for the company their first automatic [something] (it's unclear what Bob says here). General Electric heard about it and offered him a job in upstate New York. Since New York is too cold (and Yankee) for Bob, he moved away after three years, working in North Carolina for some time. He worked with both Goodrich and Goodyear.

With General Electric, Bob was responsible for at least seven patents. Barbara claimed, in an e-mail to Miyamoto, that because of Bob's influence in the computer world, the NES "might not have arrived so soon" (despite video game technology actually being pioneered by Ralph Baer).

As examples of Bob's accom-PLISH-ments, as Chris would say, he automated a steel mill for rolling steel for cars, a paper mill for papers into the form of Kleenex, warehousing, railroads and tanker ships. He designed scooters, die casting machines, machines for producing plastic products and a vehicle logging system. A fact that both Chris and Barbara have bragged about is that Bob designed controls that were used in plastic water [container] molding machines.

World consciousness

Bob learning how to cut that Internet down

On the other hand, Bob himself is proud of his "natural inclination for logic," although he is "inundated" by all his designs and whether he did good for the world.

Speaking of the world, Bob has been interested in it since he was 10, and has become very world conscious as a believer in the United Nations. He began by collecting foreign stamps in the 1930s. He has collected 15,000–20,000 LPs from various genres and cultures. Bob traveled the world in his day for business and pleasure.

Politically, Bob identifies as a Republican, and did not vote for Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

In a potentially damaging moment on 18 February 2009, Bob doubted the existence of Molvanîa, Julie's fictional country of origin. However, he continued talking under the assumption that Molvanîa was under Russian control.

Health and late life

Robert had Medieval English ancestry

Computer-generated model of Bob's near-shattered heart.

Bob lives on social security and General Electric pension. He hasn't really had people to chat with (he loves to ramble if the person shows some slight interest), so he sits around, listens to music, and takes care of the garden inside the greenhouse. With a 1970s stereo system set up in the greenhouse, he goes to "swing with the music" on his swing there.

Bob has had two triple bypasses and four heart attacks. He wears an artificial pacemaker. In a recent prank call, Bob revealed that after surgery for cancer it was discovered that he has a fluid build up in his legs which can cause heart failure. This rapid decline in health worries him. He attributes his long life to the Cherokee in him. Let's hope that Chris hasn't inherited the traits for this longevity. His uncles and grandfather all lived to 90-100.

A major question in the troll community is what will happen if and when Bob dies before Barbara.

What about Bob?

"Now will you PLEASE let me get back to God of War 3???"

On 1 March 2010, Chris Twittered that Bob had been taken to the hospital in the early morning for congested [sic] heart failure. Chris seemed confident that his father would come home shortly. Considering Bob's age, lifestyle, and long history of heart disease, Chris does not seem to grasp the seriousness of heart failure in an elderly man. Bob is the only thing keeping the Chandler household from imploding, and as such, trolls and white knights alike wished him the best.

Apart from the dying heart

In the month following Bob's hospitalization, Chris was remarkably quiet on the subject. Information about his condition was hard to come by, as we only learn something once it has inconvenienced Chris enough for him to come online and complain about it. Statistically, congestive heart failure is not as immediately fatal as its name implies. But again, Bob's age, prior heart attacks and lifestyle made this a serious matter.

Chris's videos over the month of March made no mention of Bob at all. Staying true to his painfully predictable nature, Chris instead lost a girlfriend he never had, made racial slurs and death threats to a cartoon character, and raged against abstinence. But no mention of his ailing father.

A poster on /cwc/ contacted Chris via PSN regarding Bob. He posted a screen capture of Chris's response, saying, "He is doing much better, thank you."

"Know this, Robert. Thy demise shall be a Whopper!"

Another contacted Chris via email and got a response saying, "Yes, my father is healthy and safe." He is clearly neither, but this was at least proof that Bob hadn't joined the Whites-Only section of Heaven just yet. In late May, Chris finally made a brief mention in a public video that his father was "alive and well," with no further elaboration on his condition.

Whether he is on the road to recovery or has returned home to die is still unknown. If Bob is dying, it is highly unlikely that Chris would be told. Apart from one-line responses from Chris, the best way to stay updated on Bob's health might be to read the Charlottesville and Greene County obituaries. And God help him if he dies on pancake day.

Bob is currently out of the hospital, living at home and back to arguing with himself.

On 10 August, a phone call took place between Bob and Alec Benson Leary, who posed as an employee of The GAMe PLACe. Discussing Chris's June trespassing citation, it was discovered that Chris hadn't told his parents about the incident (surprise, surprise). Chris posted a whiny video about the incident the night that it happened, which remained on his YouTube channel until he purged all of his videos on 22 November. Yeah, that's how negligent Bob is.

On 19 August, it was revealed that the elderly man with heart failure is still eating breakfast at Burger King on a daily basis. The Grim Reaper is said to have been pleased by this news.

On 24 March, 2011, it was revealed in a phone call that Bob has malignant cancer.

On 20 July, 2011, it was revealed that by now Bob knows about Chris's cross-dressing tendencies and strongly disapproves of them.

Relationships

Previous family

Bob is out of contact with his son David Alan Chandler and daughter Carol Suzanne Chandler, who both lead successful careers. For example, Chris did not know he had a niece named Savannah until she was 8 years old.

Barbara

With Barb

To continue with the music theme, Bob and Barbara met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing. According to Chris, Barbara did the pursuing: "She chased him down the hall." This is probably why he figures that he could get away with being passive in terms of courtship. In contrast, Cole's friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards. They got married in 1980.

According to Chris, Barbara has not had sex with Bob for at least two decades. They have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years. This is possibly due to an attempt to avoid spawning another subhuman freak like Chris.

Cole

Bob married Barbara when her son Cole was 17, around the time Cole left to lead his own life.

Cole feels that Bob's bitterness worked to separate his relationship with his mother. Cole will celebrate "when that fuck Bob finally drops." Cole said that he and Bob share a mutual hatred, though we have no evidence yet that Bob hates Cole. In the least, it is certain that Bob knows Cole doesn't like him.

Chris

“	Get away from the Internet! I'm cutting it down, right now.	”
Bob Chandler, Internet lumberjack.

"You tell them that you fell down some stairs or else I'm cutting down your Nintendo."

Bob wishes Chris was more interested in the world. He tried to teach Chris, but he thinks (and rightly so) that Chris doesn't understand countries and continents beyond what he's seen on TV, and only can associate with the places he's been in Virginia.

Bob's joke that Barack Obama would paint the White House black as soon as he became president influenced Chris to draw it in Sonichu 8.

Chris has often complained about stressful confrontations with his father:

“	well, my father is a major stressor against me; starts arguements[sic], annoys me, rarely washes his hands after restroom breaks (lord knows I've tried to encourage him to wash numerous time, and rarely succeeded.	”
Chris, IRC (31 December 2008)

After several occasions where trolls have communicated with Bob personally and found him to be quite pleasant and amicable, it's become obvious that he wasn't "starting arguments", as Chris asserts. More likely he was criticizing Chris's behavior and encouraging to better himself, which would involve work, which Chris fears and despises.

Bob has reportedly explained to him that he has taken care of his autistic ass for 29 years and so Chris should be more grateful. Chris couldn't give two shits, figuring that his father is obligated to take care of him, seeing no reason he should demonstrate any foreign concepts like "love", "support", "gratitude", and "willingness to help". Chris will run for his father's aid when he feels threatened, as in the later parts of the Kacey and Liquid Call.

Despite Bob's occasional frustration over Chris's actions, he seems to have bought into the theory that Chris is tormented by a complex network of enemies spanning the entire world, due to the success that he has earned from his very popular Sonichu franchise. In the Matthew Noble call, it appears that Bob seems to share Chris's tendency to bring up unrelated mishaps and debacles to make current incidents and sources of stress seem "petty" in comparison.

In line with that thread of distraction and self-delusion, Bob actually believes that Chris has accomplished significant goals in his adult life.

He may eventually get past that notion, given that he continues to have to nursemaid Chris well into his son's late 20s. In the later parts of 2009 and throughout 2010, as chronicled in Chris's e-mails with Vivian Gee and Jackie, Bob has been forced to take an increasingly active role in controlling Chris's spending and debt, paying off Chris's credit cards with his own money in an attempt to prevent interest charges from spiraling even further out of control. By the fall of 2010, he was monitoring Chris's bank accounts on a daily basis and keeping him on a strict allowance. Upon finding out about Chris's escapades in early 2011, Bob's reaction was to question Chris's sexuality, at one point even calling him a fag.

Chris has said specifically that he doesn't have to love his father, but has to respect him.

Audio and video appearances

In every appearance, Bob has proven himself to be better at charming Chris's sweethearts than Chris himself.

• 26 February 1994: Bob appears briefly behind Chris from 0:26 - 0:36 in the news report of Chris's Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes.
• 14 February 2009: Bob Walks In to Chris mass debating.
• 18 February 2009: In BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5 and 3.7, Bob rambles to Julie.
• 15 March 2009: Bob talked to Robert Simmons V at church while Chris went to shit himself.
• March 2009: Bob chaperoned Chris on his date with Emily.
• 27 March 2009: Bob gets intruded by Chris in the Tour of Christian's House, but is not visible.
• 27 August 2009: Bob enters Chris's room and scolds him for making the house tour video, (correctly) fearing that if someone saw the house as it was, they would be evicted (Uncut version only). This is a momentous occasion, showing some awareness on the part of the Chandlers that the filth and squalor they live in is a health hazard. This video subsequently off a wave of emails and calls to the Greene County Health Department, masterminded by trolls who hoped to realize Bob's fear of eviction, but the campaign was seemingly unsuccessful.
• November 2009: Bob and Snorlax make a brief appearance at the end of the Kacey and Liquid Call.
• 15 August 2010: Bob gets a call from the GAMe PLACe and is informed of Chris's actions earlier in the year. He then goes on a tangent about how Chris has been tormented by everyone ever since he was banned, and then demands Michael Snyder's information. Barbara also appears at the end of the call.

Gallery

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  "The hell is this crap?"

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  Looking at the presents, it's sometime between 1982 and 2011.

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  That isn't Chris's half-senile old grandfather at Christmas time. It's Bob. He was that age when Chris was about one.

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  The epitome of handsome.

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  Bob with Aunt Corrina.

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  Notice Chris's discomfort.

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  Bob won't let a fence get in the way of cutting down Chris's Internet.

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  Bob: fashion icon.

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  When Bob isn't arguing with Chris or cutting down his Internet, he enjoys gardening.

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  Bob will haunt your dreams tonight.

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  Calm down Bob, I think you're scaring Snorlax.

Sauces

Tired of "Good Fan Art"? Visit our constantly expanding Gallery of Evil Fan Art! There's even a whole section dedicated to Bob Chandler!

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