Mumble 3

The third of the Mumble chats involving Chris.

Summary

• Julie is having problems with her microphone.
• Chris tries and fails to diagnose the problem.

[4:00]

• Julie reveals that she’s a professional cook.
• Chris’s favorite food is macaroni and cheese.

[6:00]

• Julie doesn’t know why Max stole her password.
• Chris recommends snooping around his room for clues.

[8:00]

• Julie wants to talk about her relationship with Chris.
• Chris says “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” instead.

[9:00]

• Julie asks if Chris has heard from Cameron yet.
• Julie says that his/her country, Molvania, was destroyed.
• Julie keeps getting confused about Cameron’s gender.

[10:30]

• Chris describes Virginia as “okay” and “a historic town”.

[12:00]

• Clyde joins the channel, but he leaves right away.

[13:00]

• Chris says that he’s recovering from the stress of the Internet.
• Chris’s phone alarm goes off, making him lose his train of thought.

[14:30]

• Chris went with his dad to get his pacemaker checked.
• Julie says that Chris’s mom is an awesome singer.

[16:00]

• Julie hopes that Clyde is gone from Mumble for good.

[17:00]

• Chris previews Simonla and Wild’s upcoming relationship.

[18:00]

• Chris likes some heavy metal music and loves Guitar Hero.
• Chris created himself and a Sonichu guitar in World Tour.
• Chris uploaded a video of himself playing the game to YouTube.
• Chris doesn’t know how to play guitar but doesn’t care.

[19:30]

• Clyde comes back, but he’s not in Chris and Julie’s channel.

[20:00]

• Chris loves Britney Spears, and Julie likes her, too.

[21:00]

• Chris says that all of his female characters think he’s handsome.
• Chris’s mom tells him that he’s handsome all the time.
• Chris thinks he’s handsome and can’t understand why he’s single.

[22:00]

• Julie isn’t sure when she’ll be able to afford to come to Virginia.
• Clyde shows up to ask Chris why he hasn’t killed him yet.
• Clyde insists that he’d too nice to be on drugs this time around.
• Chris hasn’t killed Clyde because Clyde is slowly killing himself.

[25:00]

• Clyde leaves the channel, and Julie says she has to leave for a bit.

[26:00]

• Chris asks Julie if she’s receiving any aid from her relatives.

[27:00]

• Chris realizes that Clyde has heard the whole conversation.

[28:30]

• Chris is “mostly attracted to women”.
• Chris likes to draw attractive female characters.
• Chris loves his “brain-children”, but he’d never have sex with them.

[30:00]

• Chris watches porn, and Encyclopedia Dramatica has frustrated him.
• Chris wanted to do something to “stretch an adult muscle” in his head.

[31:00]

• Chris can draw romance well despite being a frustrated virgin.
• Chris is random, and sometimes he does what he feels instead of thinking.

[31:30]

• Chris’s comics are intended for children.
• The adult scenes are to be appreciated by teens and adults.

[33:00]

• How to Talk to Girls took the words out of Chris’s mouth.

[34:00]

• Chris tells Julie that she didn’t miss anything important.
• Julie explains that she was helping Max in the kitchen.

[35:30]

• Chris would consider making more non-Sonichu characters.
• Chris figures that Julie could help when she moves to Virginia.

[37:00]

• Chris doesn’t feel comfortable traveling long distances alone.
• Julie hopes to have slowly moved over to Virginia within the year.
• Chris lets Julie know that she could board with him.

[39:00]

• Most men are more comfortable with a “Sadie Hawkins situation”.
• Relationships are different in America than they are in Molvania.

[40:30]

• Chris explains how he used to wait for women to approach him.
• Chris trusts Julie, but he worries about what his mom will think.

[41:00]

• Chris suggests that Julie just “take a plunge”.
• Chris somehow realizes that he should be taking his own advice.
• Julie promises that she will try to come to Virginia within the year.
• Chris thanks Julie sincerely for her promise.

[42:00]

• Julie worries that Clyde will rape her like he raped Panda.
• A half-Asian guy drove by Julie’s house and glared at her.
• Julie worries that the half-Asian guy might’ve been Clyde.
• Julie regrets that she didn’t get the guy’s plate number.

[43:30]

• Chris is the strongest, toughest person Julie knows.
• Chris assures Julie that she can trust him to protect her.

[45:00]

• Chris and Julie are happy that they can trust each other.

[47:00]

• Julie sees someone outside of her house and is worried.
• Chris says that it’s best to just not think about it.
• Julie says that the person is holding something – perhaps a gun.
• Chris repeats that it’s best to just not think about it.
• Julie goes to lock her door because she hears pounding.
• Chris laughs hard when he’s told that it was just a salesman.
• Chris had been “quaking” with fear – an obvious lie.

[48:30]

• Chris links Burnout to the Transformers’ Bumblebee.
• Julie links the game to Back to the Future’s DeLorean.

[50:30]

• Julie wants to play video games with Chris for hours on end.
• Chris repeatedly suggests that they could “play” in other ways.

[52:00]

• Chris reveals that he is willing to let Panda be with Clyde.
• Chris says that he will let Julie take his virginity.
• Julie thanks Chris and says that she can’t wait.

[53:00]

• Chris will do his best and hopefully not prematurely ejaculate.
• Chris supposes that he has learned from pornography.
• Chris guesses that cowgirl will be his favorite sexual position.

[54:00]

• Julie will try her hardest to visit Chris on his birthday.
• Chris wishes that Julie could see him smiling at that news.

[55:00]

• Julie asks Chris for a description of their future first time.
• Julie says that she will let Chris take her virginity.
• Julie is making Chris hard, and she should take that as a compliment.

[56:30]

• Chris begins describing their future first time in detail.
• First up is a make-out session, and Chris will have eaten strawberries.

[57:00]

• Julie says that she’s already masturbating to his description.
• Next up is Chris taking off his pants and having Julie warm him up.
• Julie says that she wouldn’t mind blowing Chris on this first date.

[58:30]

• Chris explicitly assumes that he will prematurely ejaculate.
• Chris notes that he’ll still have a lot more “tiger in [his] tank”.
• Chris will unhook Julie’s bra and “marvel at [her] nipples”.
• Chris notes that Julie will already be “marveling at [his] dick”.
• Chris will then massage Julie’s breasts and go down on her.

[1:00:00]

• Julie hopes that Chris is masturbating with her, but he isn’t.
• Chris changes his mind and grabs his dick right afterward.

[1:01:00]

• Chris will start things off by going at it doggy style.
• Chris says that “it can go up to seven inches” – an obvious lie.
• Chris spouts, “In and out. In and out. Doggy style. Yay!”

[1:02:00]

• Chris will use his fingers to keep his dick inside her.
• Chris says that he wouldn’t do anal during their first time.
• Chris predicts that cowgirl will come after doggy style.
• Chris belatedly notes that he will be wearing a condom.
• Chris speculates as to where on Julie’s body he’ll cum.
• Julie says that she’ll probably want to take it in the mouth.

[1:04:00]

• Chris says that they might clean up… or they might not.
• Julie says out of nowhere that she thinks she’s coming.

[1:05:00]

• Julie says that she’ll try to send Chris a picture of herself.
• Chris gives Julie his number, apparently for the first time.
• Julie can’t give Chris her number because she doesn’t have one.

[1:07:30]

• Chris wants to “be emotional in person” at some point.
• Julie has to leave for a little bit for no stated reason.

[1:10:00]

• Chris says that his parents would be cool with them fucking.
• Chris will be happy to introduce Julie to his parents first.

[1:12:00]

• Chris imagines his future: married and with a daughter.
• Julie will gladly be his wife and the mother of Crystal.
• Chris wants to be the “househusband” of the relationship.

[1:13:00]

• Chris has no idea what he’d do if he did have to work.
• Chris isn’t sure what job he could get with his CADD degree.

[1:14:00]

• Julie has set up a PayPal account for herself.
• Chris uses his account to sell items on eBay.
• Julie suggests that Chris make money with Sonichu.
• Chris isn’t sure he wants to go around advertising him.

[1:17:30]

• Julie suggests that Chris re-start talks with Nintendo.
• Chris says that he isn’t in touch with Cole Smithey.
• Chris has no idea how he’d come up with money to travel.
• Julie insists that Chris prove himself to Reggie Fils-Aimé.

[1:20:30]

• Chris won’t shut up about Julie helping him do all of the above.

[1:21:30]

• Chris has no idea when the next issue of Sonichu will be done.
• Chris says he has to leave for a while to collect his thoughts.

[1:22:30]

• Clyde shows up and announces that he’s heard everything.
• Clyde was the salesman and he’s gonna bring his guns next time.
• Clyde taunts Chris, who says that he’ll haunt Clyde in his sleep.
• Clyde doesn’t sleep, so Chris will haunt his every waking moment.

[1:24:30]

• Chris has God by his side, but Clyde says there is no God.
• Chris says he’ll pray for Julie’s safety, and Clyde laughs at him.

[1:26:00]

• Chris has been out of the house today… to get his mom some coffee.

[1:27:00]

• Clyde is tough because he’s lived on the streets in sub-zero weather.
• Chris responds that he’s tough because he stands up for his friends.

[1:28:30]

• Clyde is at a loss for words to describe how pathetic Chris is.
• Chris responds that Clyde is pathetic because he feels that way.
• Clyde says that that statement proves that Chris is autistic.

[1:29:30]

• Clyde states that he himself has no physical or mental handicaps.
• Clyde adds that he’s not on drugs either… at the moment.

[1:30:00]

• Clyde says that he’s going to play Russian Roulette with Julie.
• Chris bets that every time Clyde has played before, he’s lost.

[1:31:30]

• Julie says that Max will protect her, but Clyde doubts that.
• Clyde will get rid of Max like he did Richard Simmons and Sarah.
• Clyde knows that Julie will be dead tomorrow.
• Chris knows that Clyde is dead inside, and Clyde admits it.

[1:34:00]

• Chris honestly believes that Clyde is afraid to face him.
• Clyde admits that his rage will die when Chris does.

[1:35:30]

• Chris tries and fails to psychoanalyze Clyde.

[1:37:00]

• Clyde dares Chris to call the police on him.

[1:38:00]

• Clyde has money to travel thanks to an inheritance.
• Chris suspects that Clyde killed his parents to get that money.
• Clyde insists that they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

[1:40:00]

• Clyde says that Chris should leave his house and lose weight.
• Chris would leave for Julie’s, but he doesn’t know her address.

[1:42:00]

• Chris grows a pair and yells at Clyde to shut the fuck up.
• Chris calls Clyde “small” several times.

[1:45:00]

• Chris apologizes for leading Ryan to commit suicide.

[1:46:00]

• Clyde tells Chris that he’s a burden upon his parents.
• Chris says in reply only that he feels his parents’ pain.
• Clyde reminds Chris that he is the cause of that pain.
• Chris has changed from a “mental case” into a “social butterfly”.
• Clyde thinks Chris’s parents meant for his babysitter to give him autism.
• Chris denies that and expresses gratitude towards his parents.

[1:48:30]

• Clyde tells Chris that his conception was a drunken mistake.
• Chris thinks he’s a miracle child because his parents were old even then.
• Chris compares the situation to an episode of Sex and the City.

[1:50:00]

• Chris doesn’t see any reason for men not to watch TV shows for women.
• Chris thinks fewer wars would happen if more men watched those shows.

[1:52:00]

• Julie can’t name three specific good qualities that Chris has.

[1:52:30]

• Chris understands that autism is caused by genetics.
• Still, Chris insists that his babysitter brought it out in him.
• Clyde insists that Chris is just using autism as an excuse.

[1:54:00]

• Chris said his first word when he was just two weeks old.
• Baby Chris said “monkey”, but he was trying to say “mommy”.

[1:55:00]

• Chris thinks that he has “recovered” from his autism in a way.
• Chris doesn’t need to blame his autism because he's overcome it.
• Clyde says that it’s a fact that autism doesn’t exist.

[1:57:00]

• Clyde keeps telling Chris to get a “real” autism diagnosis.
• Chris weakly promises to get himself re-tested some time soon.

[1:59:30]

• Clyde has Chris read the Wikipedia article on “high-functioning autism”.
• Chris reluctantly accepts that the diagnosis is not a recognized one.

[2:01:00]

• Chris agrees with Clyde that his “mental block” never actually existed.

[2:02:30]

• Clyde remarks that Chris could never possibly live on his own.
• Chris replies that he can cook because he took two home ec classes.
• Chris can also clean, since he has to pick up cat poop all the time.
• Chris is also able to clean because he recently overflowed his "commode" while taking a dump and had to clean the floor with "some 409 and paper towels."
• Chris even knows how to wash his clothes and wash the dishes.
• Chris lastly explains in detail how he’s learned to take out the trash.

[2:05:00]

• Clyde congratulates Chris on knowing how to do all of those basic chores.
• Clyde explains that he’s trying to rescue women everywhere from Chris.

[2:07:00]

• Chris is content with the $800/month that he receives through Social Security.
• Clyde is irate that Chris has no interest whatsoever in getting a job.
• Chris honestly believes that he is paid as much as most employed people.
• Clyde’s job is driving people around, and driving is his favorite thing.

[2:09:00]

• Chris describes himself as “a jack-of-all-trades and master of none”.
• Chris just doesn’t know what type of job he’d be comfortable in.
• Chris is also concerned that he’d need to be paid at least $1,000/month.

[2:10:30]

• Clyde asks Chris what he’s done with his two CADD degrees.
• Chris replies that he designed the Cwcville Shopping Center.
• Chris adds that he’s also added more perspective to his artwork.

[2:12:00]

• Clyde reminds Chris that he’s supported by people who actually work.
• Chris says he just needs a woman to help him make sound decisions.
• Clyde warns, “Spoiler alert: you’re never going to get a woman.”

[2:13:00]

• Clyde mentions that Vivian’s white knight efforts have been in vain.
• Chris says that he’s seeing his pastoral counselor once a week.
• Chris isn’t at all concerned that she isn’t a trained psychologist.

[2:14:00]

• Chris used to visit a “$25/hour psychologist” named Dr. Price.
• Chris was forced to see Dr. Price by PVCC and Mary Lee Walsh.
• Dr. Price put Chris’s sweetheart search into perspective for him.

[2:16:00]

• Clyde insists that everything on Chris’s ED page is true.
• Chris still thinks that his words were simply misinterpreted.
• Chris believes that he lost Megan because he “got too close”.
• Chris says he drew ShecameforCWC “in protest of” his ED page.
• Chris blames himself, but at least he drew in a censor bar.
• Chris ripped that drawing up, but he still has the pieces.

[2:19:00]

• Chris’s mean old principal was the original cause of his hate for gay men.
• Chris accepts Clyde’s analogy about Mary Lee Walsh and other women.

[2:21:00]

• Chris explains that his past statements of hating gays were “misplaced rage”.
• Chris says that God has blessed him with more female friends than male ones.
• Chris seems to have forgotten that he conceded that he’s not autistic.

[2:23:30]

• Clyde says that he’ll give Julie a reprieve if Chris declares that he’s gay.
• Clyde threatens to harm or kill Julie if Chris doesn’t make such a video.
• Chris says he won’t lie about his sexuality even to save Julie’s life.
• Chris relents and offers to sacrifice his image to save Julie from harm.

[2:26:00]

• Chris has three hours to record and post a video of himself coming out.
• Clyde says he fears that he’ll soon be banned from the channel, and he leaves.
• Julie is eternally grateful to Chris for the sacrifice that he’s about to make.

[2:27:00]

• “The admin of the server” shows up and asks if Clyde is still around.

[2:28:00]

• Chris wants to videotape his first time with Julie, and she wants the same.
• Chris says he’ll “cut the worst parts out” and upload the rest to YouTube.
• Chris and Julie tell each other “I love you”, and Chris exits the channel.

[2:29:00]

• BlueSpike starts singing “This was a triumph!” from Portal’s “Still Alive”.
• The other trolls go wild with laughter, and a couple join in with the singing.

Transcript

Here we are
What?
Mmm, now...
What now?
Julie: Hi Chris.
Chris: Hello!
Julie: Hel-[Cut]
Chris: Uh, say that again, you kinda broke up there.
Julie: Hello let me just adjust my mic.
Chris: Oh. It's you.
Julie: Yes of course.
Chris: [cut] it's now on, huh...
Julie: So how are you Chris?
Chris: I'm okay Julie, how are you?
Julie: I'm wonderful, thank you. Everything at home ok-[cut]
Chris: Um, yes. Everything's oka-everything's okay at home. Uh, I mean I still I think that was you as-yeah. I know you just bought that mike but it seems to be failing at points. Oh well.
Julie: Uh, let get configure it really.
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: Maybe I can cristoba[cut]
Chris: [cut]-everything, you may have to, uh, close it and reload back then to up after you get it configure correctly. I mean order-or-or to get to configure it correctly.
Julie: Why I should-I did that. I watched [uninteligible] tried to configure-[cut]
Chris: Oh. [cut] [uninteligible]

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