Kacey Call 7

File name: kc09109
Date: 1 September 2009

• Kacey is still shocked that Chris is on Lipitor, Chris says the food group he eats the most is vegetables.
• Today Chris totally ate a salad and chicken sandwich from Burger King, and drank like 5 glasses of water.
• The Chandlers have three refrigerators. Chris whines about the house being a mess. Bob does most of the home cooking (soup and stew); Chris wants Kacey to call Bob.
• Chris says he'll go jogging with Kacey, but tries to back out when she says they'll be jogging five whole miles.
• Chris needs to buy a sports bra because his manboobs bounce.
• Chris's XL size shirt looks pretty tight on him, Kacey suggests maybe he needs to wear XXXL size. Chris is pretty uncomfortable acknowledging that he is a fat fuck who needs to wear a bra to hold his fat tits.
• Chris was going to talk to social security about getting a job and a house, and his dad wouldn't let him go alone.
• Chris just recently learned what financial aid is. Says he can't remember much from the start of college because he was still recovering from his "stressful high school graduation."
• Chris definitely felt like more of an adult when he turned 21.
• Chris thinks "age of consent" = "you are an adult". Kacey is creeped out that Chris was looking up the age of consent.
• Chris would definitely not date an 18 year old, the youngest he would date is 21 (at the age 27). Kacey says that 6 years difference is too much for a relationship. Chris was never considering dating a 16 year old, he swears to God! Kacey says that if he wanted to have sex with someone 16 years old, that it is "pedophilia."
• Third date = sex, Chris learned from TV. He definitely does not think of Kacey like that though.
• Chris has waited a "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time" for sex. "It hurts".
• Chris has masturbated so much that he "can't even feel that much of a rush from it".
• Chris tard rages after Kacey misunderstands something he says about being a virgin, "I AM VIRGIN AHHHHH".
• Chris thinks this is a good time to talk about having sex with a blowup doll.
• Kacey tells Chris to join a single's group.
• Chris tells Kacey to become a born again virgin because he saw it on King of the Hill.
• Chris, regarding Bluespike and other troll relationships: "I have learned from my mistakes."
• Chris randomly admits that he used to confuse Michael Jordan with Michael Jackson.
• Lately Chris has been able to enjoy masturbation because he had a girl to fantasize with in his head.
• Chris implies that he has been jerking off to Kacey.

Transcript

Chris: Hello?
Kacey: Hi, Chris! It’s Kacey!
Chris: Hi, Kacey! How are you?
Kacey: I’m okay. How about you?
Chris: I’m okay. I’m doing—I’m fair now. Y’know, I just talked to… uh… Kim. She gave me some… uh… [unintelligible] She talked to you about exercising, veggies and whatnot. But, yeah, I’m gonna be- gonna [pause] be working- yeah I’m gonna be working on that. I’m- I’m serious.
Kacey: [interrupting] Oh, well Chris I-I-I don’t know if you’ve really ris- If you’ve really realized the gravity of your situation. I mean, when you told me you were on cholesterol medicine at your age… I mean just- just wow! I-I mean that’s not good. [pause] Like do you realize how serious it is if you’re put on that at your age?
Chris: I was [unintelligible]
Kacey: [interrupting] I mean you have a really horrible life expectancy. [pause]
Chris: Hmm. I saw it as a precaution…
Kacey: No! A doctor would not let you go on that as just a precaution, because those drugs can actually hurt you if you don’t need them. [pause]
Chris: Hmm. I didn’t… let’s see. Okay. Well… Alright, well, maybe I’ll-I’ll-I can get off the Lipitor and see how I… uh… how I go from there.
Kacey: No, no. I mean if you’re on it, you’re probably on it for a reason, Chris. I mean your doctor wouldn’t give it to you unless you really needed it. And, I mean, getting off it would only hurt you. The point is that you need to get to a point where you don’t need it, if you can even do that. I mean, if you’re already on it, you may not be able to reverse that. [pause] I mean that this is like… you’re really close to… you know, going into a hospital or something. I mean, that’s scary.
Chris: Hmm. Yeah, it is scary… Hmm. It is scary.
Kacey: I mean, but I don’t-I don’t think you realize it. Okay, did you suggest getting on these pills to the doctor or did the doctor suggest you getting on them?
Chris: Uh… Alright, let me think back to that day, that day. That was like… I don’t know, that was like about a year-about months to a year ago. Something like that.
Kacey: Okay, months to a year ago is a long… big difference. Big difference.
Chris: I mean when I-when I started on that and then I talked to my doctor… Hmm… Yeah, I was just… uh, okay, yeah. He was encouraging me for exercise and I was doing that and not eat so much high cholesterol-type foods and I have not been eating that much, so that… By the way…
Kacey: [interrupting] Chris, you do eat high-cholesterol foods! Everything you told me has high cholesterol. And sodium. Sodium plays a part in it too. I mean, that’s all you eat.
Chris: Yeah, but it’s also, she mentioned, sometimes I’ve been getting up at-by twelve o’clock and I eat like two meals in a day.
Kacey: Okay, you only eat two meals a day or you eat two meals at once? Cause I’m pretty sure your portion is horrible too.
Chris: Two meals in one day.
Kacey: That’s- that’s bad. You’re supposed to have, like, five little meals. That’s gonna kill your metabolism too. I mean, that’s one of the problems I have is that I don’t eat enough. Um, but the problem is that, if you eat two meals a day, those meals are able to do the amount of calories you need, that’s just bad.
Chris: Hmm. I see. Hmm, that’s a lot for me to think about.
Kacey: [interrupting] Okay, okay, like with portions do you actually know how much a portion of meat is?
Chris: Mmm, a portion… I do not.
Kacey: It’s about as big as a deck of cards. You should- [Chris interrupts: “Oh.”] -probably be eating about three to eight ounces.
Chris: Oh, okay. Three oun- three to eight- three to eight ounces of meat in a day?
Kacey: No, no, no. For a portion.
Chris: Oh, for proportion… per portion in a day? I mean, I’m just trying to make sure I understand this here. [pause]
Kacey: Um, Chris. Are you there?
Chris: Yeah, I’m here.
Kacey: Okay, okay. Never mind. I can hear you now. Sorry, my phone’s being weird. It’s like on a delay.
Chris: Oh.
Kacey: But, no, no. Like, a deck of cards, that’s about the size of… Well, you know, that’s just an example. You can look these things up. You know, the internet’s a great tool for that.
Chris: Okay.
Kacey: But, I mean, you know… Okay, what would you say you eat the most? Like, what food group would you say you eat the most?
Chris: I would say that I would eat vegetables the most.
Kacey: Okay, h-how are you going to eat vegetables the most if what you tell me is that your diet mostly consists of Hungry Man dinners and McDonald’s and Wendy’s?
Chris: Well, firstly, I have not eaten a Hungry Man in like… over a month. I can honestly say that. I can also say that…
Kacey: [interrupting] Okay, what vegetables have you eaten this week?
Chris: I have eaten lettuce and tomato and carrots…
Kacey: You do know that lettuce has almost no nutritional value, right? You should be eating field grains or romaine lettuce.
Chris: Uh, I’m sorry. What was that? Uh, something about…
Kacey: [interrupting] Lettuce has no- yeah- lettuce has no nutritional value. If you’re going to eat it, it’s just roughage. If you’re going to eat it, you should eat mixed field greens or romaine lettuce.
Chris: Oh, mixed field greens. That’s what you said. Mixed field greens. Okay.
Kacey: Okay, so basically, what you’re saying is you just eat some salads that are just thrown together. Y-you do know that that’s not necessarily healthy, right? Cause even vegetables and fruits in excess can be bad for you, because they have carbs and sugar.
Chris: Hmm. [pause] I see. I did not realize that. Oh, by the way I didn’t- by the way I was checking my email- I check my email twice a day and I did not receive the email with the… uh… links to the [unintelligible] with the recipes and all the stuff we talked about last night.
Kacey: Okay, well, I-I’ll resend them. I guess my email’s having problems. Um, I’ll look into that.
Chris: Okay.
Kacey: But-But still, I mean, you know everything needs to be in moderation. Even things you think are healthy. Okay, tell me what you ate today. W-We’ll just start with that. What have you eaten today?
Chris: Okay, well, I ate two side-salads from Burger King and I had a grilled chicken sandwich.
Kacey: Okay, so you’re still eating unhealthy.
Chris: Uh, I’m still eating unhealthy?
Kacey: Yes, okay. You ate at Burger King. Right there, that should be your red flag. Nothing they have, even their salads, are healthy. Nothing. The healthiest thing they can give you is water.
Chris: I have drank plenty of water today. I drank, like, five glasses so far.
Kacey: That’s not even enough [skip] you should be drinking in a day.
Chris: I know, I should be drinking, like, eight eight-ounce glasses or equivalent. [pause] I was drinking from a sixteen-ounce bottle and I refilled it about…
Kacey: Is the water very cold?
Chris: Yeah, it’s cold water. We keep- we- we… uh… keep- have, like, bottles of water put in the fridge. My mom prefers the bottled water over the tap water.
Kacey: Okay, cause- when you drink bottled water you should always make sure it’s really cold, because even though it doesn’t help a lot, it helps a little, but your body has to warm up after you drink it and it does help with some calories. Not a lot though, but you should keep hydrated.
Chris: Yeah, okay. That’s good then. Yeah, that’s good. But, anyway, yeah, our- the water I’ve drank today, it’s been cold.
Kacey: Okay, that’s good. That’s good. But, I mean, so all you’ve had today is a salad and a chicken sandwich? That’s it?
Chris: And water, yes.
Kacey: Okay, yeah. That’s okay. Um, you need to get a better eating plan. I mean, I do too. So I mean, I’m right there with you, but of course I don’t eat fast food either. But, you really… I mean, okay. Is the reason you eat at Burger King because it’s convenient?
Chris: Uh, that and my parents, my mom and dad, are pretty much going there more often.
Kacey: Why don’t you guys have fresh food in the house?
Chris: We have food in the house, but yeah, our house is such a mess. It’s been a mess for a long time, ever since I had to take furniture out of the living room to put up into the kitchen, just like I put up a Christmas tree. That was pretty much the beginning of all that. And then I had…
Kacey: Okay Chris, your house can’t be so bad that you can’t have food in your fridge.
Chris: I mean, yeah, we do have food in- we have, like- we have three refrigerators. Two downstairs, one upstairs and they all have food- and they all have food in them.
Kacey: Why do you have three refrigerators?
Chris: I don’t know why my mom and dad needed two refrigerators downstairs, but we got another one upstairs.
Kacey: Okay. Well, okay. Okay then. Um, what- okay. Then is you have food in those fridges, why don’t you guys cook. Why don’t you guys make dinner? I mean, or even, you know…
Chris: Yeah, my father- my father does most of the home cooking, really at this point. Uh, and…
Kacey: Okay, well what types of things does he cook? Like, what’s the last time he… What did he make the last time he cooked?
Chris: He makes a- he makes a- he makes some pretty good soups… and stews. Sometimes pasta.
Kacey: Okay.
Chris: You know you’re wel- you know you’re welcome to call him at any time on the home phone and talk to him- introduce yourself to him and talk to him any time you want to.
Kacey: I thought you told me to wait, like you didn’t want me to talk to him yet.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah, wait. Yeah, that’s right. I did tell you to wait. Yeah, wait ‘til maybe around Thursday or Friday. Yeah, cause last week I told you about that. Almost a week ago, now.
Kacey: Okay. Well, you just remind me that and we’ll go from there.
Chris: Okay.
Kacey: But, um. But, yeah, your eating habits really need some reform. I mean, has your doctor talked to you about your life expectancy?
Chris: Uhhhhh… my doc- I cannot…
Kacey: [interrupting] Do you even know what a life expectancy is?
Chris: I-I do have an understanding of what life expendancy is. It’s a rough estimate of how once- long a person’s going to live.
Kacey: Okay, I’m impressed. Um… but have they talked to you about that?
Chris: Yeah, my doctor has not talk- has not talked to me about my life expendancy.
Kacey: Mmkay.
Chris: So, I have no idea about that.
Kacey: Okay, well… um… Okay, what… Since you mentioned I talked to Kim… um… yeah, I talked to her, cause like, one of the things I first noticed is the way you carry yourself, and it looks like you’re putting a lot of weight on your joints, especially your elbows and your knees, and that could be bad. Like… um… like, are you stretching them. Uh, cause you need to for your ligaments.
Chris: Yes, I do stretch. I stretch my arms out and they…
Kacey: Okay, what type- what type of stretches do you do?
Chris: Uh, basic stretches, you know. Yeah, like knee-bends, I’ve done those. I’ve done- I do those. And arm stretches. Yeah.
Kacey: Oh, I mean, are you doing any kinds of resistance stretches, like putting your palm against a wall and stretching your arms straight out and then pushing?
Chris: Wait. Putting my arm against my ball?
Kacey: A wall, Chris! A wall! [laughs]
Chris: Oh! Oh, oh. You mean like you’re pushing something. Uh, no, I have not thought about that.
Kacey: Well, cause I mean, the stretching that you’re probably thinking of are not stretches you need to do. Like, when you stretch, you need to have some sort of resistance, so you can feel a stretch, and that lets you know that you are exercising your ligaments and that they’re gonna stay healthy, because that’s your bone to bone and that’s what you need to have.
Chris: Okay. [pause]
Kacey: Like, if you can’t feel that stretch, that- that’s not good. I mean, maybe you should get, like, a gym membership. Like, your doctor can help you fill out some paperwork for a discount.
Chris: Hmm… my doctor can help me get a discount at a gym membership?
Kacey: If you medically need it, your doctor can help you with a lot of things.
Chris: Aren’t you… Yeah, I-I-I’ll definitely bring that up with Dr. McGovern when- the next time I talk to him.
Kacey: Alright, that’s good.
Chris: Okay.
Kacey: But, I mean, like, the way you carry your arms just shows that you have a limited range of motion and that worries me, cause you know, I want you to be healthy.
Chris: Carry my arms around?
Kacey: Yeah, I-I’ll have to show you sometime. The way you hold them, it’s like… I-I’d have to just show you. But, it shows that you have a limited range of motion and… um… you could probably… um… do fairly well with a lot of better stretching.
Chris: Um… I think I was…
Kacey: Like, like, you can just put your arms in a praying position, so you have your palms to your palms, and hold your arms… um… across from you and that’s actually a great way to stretch, and it helps your elbow and your wrist.
Chris: Huh. I keep my praying hands vertical while my arms are horizontal?
Kacey: Um… no, no. You just wanna… you wanna put your hands together like you’re praying in front of you, and…
Chris: Uh-huh.
Kacey: …you wanna keep your arms straight, so that… um… they’re just going right out in front of you. Like y-you want them to be perpendicular to your body. You want… okay?
Chris: Okay, yeah. I can visualize that. Yeah, I under- I’m- I’m understanding you.
Kacey: Okay. But, yeah. You could totally benefit from that, cause you know, I want you to be healthy. Um… yeah. So we definitely have to find a time where we can go jogging, right?
Chris: Yeah, sure. Next time… uh… next time you get the chance to, you know, come visit, yeah. I’d be happy to go jogging with you.
Kacey: That would be awesome. We should totally do it.
Chris: Alright.
Kacey: A nice, five-mile jog, right? We gotta get those… uh… beats-per-minute up.
Chris: Waitaminute waitaminute. Five miles?
Kacey: Yeah! Five miles is really easy. That’s like, beginner stuff. Well, if you want, we can do 2.5 miles, but, you know, that’s really beginning stuff. If you can’t do that... you need… that-that’s not good. At all.
Chris: Mmm. It’s just that, you know, five miles, yeah, that does sound like a exaggeration in my head at this point.
Kacey: I-It’s only five miles. It’s not like I’m asking you to run a marathon. And it’s not like we’d be sprinting, we’d just be, like, doing nice, easy… jogging. Just…
Chris: Yeah, okay. And Kim suggested that I get a sports bra, because you know… I just know that, you know… if I’m gonna start jogging, I’m gonna feel… I’m gonna feel my manboobs bounce.
Kacey: Well, this is why you’re doing it, to get rid of them. I mean, just where a jacket on top or an extra shirt. There should be no problem. I mean, as long as you… I mean… no one’s gonna care, really. [laughs] I mean, who do you think goes out jogging? People who need to lose weight. You’re not gonna be the only one.
Chris: Yeah, okay. Would you recommend I where a sports bra? Because, Kim’s recommending me- recommending at this point.
Kacey: They-they make… Okay, yes. You should.
Chris: Okay.
Kacey: I mean, if you are really that worried, those will keep them down and you probably should go out and get one soon.
Chris: Uh… I’m sorry. What was that last statement?
Kacey: Y-you should go out and get one soon if you want, cause I mean, if you’re really worried about five miles, then you should go practice without me.
Chris: Okay. Yeah.
Kacey: And then that way, when I’m there, you can be ready.
Chris: Alright, yeah. Um, let me ask you though… uh… when I go shopping for a sports bra… I’m going to get my tugboat later this week so, I’ll probably like… uh… do you recommend I go to [skip] Wal-Mart or a store at the mall or, w-what questions do you recommend I ask for when I go shopping for a sports bra, when I’m being assisted? Like… you know… because… you know…
Kacey: Well, you don’t need to be assisted. I mean, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Most of them are in Small, Medium, Large, and Extra-Large sizes, so you just get one that fits. Or you could go to, like, a Sports Authority or some type of sports store and they have them. But, I mean, t-the sizes aren’t complicated. It’s not like a real bra-size. [pause]
Chris: Yeah, okay. I can see that, yeah. [pause] Mmm… [makes clock-like ticking sound?] Alright. Okay. Well, let me ask you from your point of view… I mean, you’ve seen me in person. Umm… Would you say I’m like- would you say I’m like a Medium, Large, or Extra-Large, cause I’m no- I can tell you… I’m pretty sure I’m not a small.
Kacey: Umm… Well, grab the Large and the Extra-Large and try them both on and just see whichever one fits.
Chris: Ah, okay. So, your saying I’m- I’m pretty much a Large at best. [chuckles] Okay.
Kacey: Well, I mean, i-if… What I’m saying is: if you’re really trying to also get into, like, a sports bra or something, they’re gonna be designed for women, unless you can find the ones that are designed for men. I mean, there are gym things for that, that are designed for men, but you’d have to go to, like, a sports store or something. So, I-I mean, just… I’d always try a bigger size first, cause it’s easier to go down than it is to go up. So… uh… [Chris chuckles again] Try… You have a Dick’s Sporting Goods near you, right? Try there.
Chris: Yeah, oaky. I’ll try there.
Kacey: I mean, what- okay. Like, the shirts you wore when you met me, what sizes are those?
Chris: Umm…
Kacey: Like, what size is your striped shirt?
Chris: Uh, yeah. I think that- I think that was… oh, wait a minute. I have it right in front of me. My favorite striped shirt. Um… um… Yeah, I see the L. I… uh… think it’s an XL though, because it seems like the X is worn out. Yeah, so… uh… that- that’s an XL right there.
Kacey: Y-you say it’s an Extra-Large. Cause, I mean, it seemed a bit… uh… snug on you last time I saw you, so um…
Chris: Hmm…
Kacey: Maybe, you’re, like, a two-X or a three-X.
Chris: [groans] That sounds like a- [groans again]
Kacey: T-there’s- That’s not bad. I mean, it really isn’t. But, I mean…
'Chris: I mean, it just- it just sounds- it just sounds bad. I don’t know. Uh…
Kacey: No it doesn’t. I mean, you can’t let those things have power over you.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Yeah. I shouldn’t let ‘em have power over me. Umm… Hang on a second. I’m wearing a- I’m currently wearing a bit looser fitting than…
Kacey: Okay. Yeah, let’s see the size.
Chris: [grunts while taking shirt off] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This one says XL.
Kacey: Okay, well- well then I-I would start there. I would start with Extra-Larges.
Chris: Okay. Are they making a Double-XL and a Triple-XL sports bra?
Kacey: Yes!
Chris: Wow.
Kacey: I-I mean… you know… girls have… breasts, you know. [chuckles] I mean, even if a girl is really skinny, but she has… they’re large, she’s not gonna fit into a small. I mean, come on, Chris.
Chris: [loud, high-pitched laughter] Yeah, you’re right! You’re right. It’s just- I’m sorry. It just caught me off guard cause I’m a guy. And then… I don’t know… If I were, like, a bigger guy. Heh. Yeah, they were originally meant for owmen, but then guys caught on. Yeah. Okay. [little laugh] Yeah, I’m cool.
Kacey: Alright.
Chris: Okay.
Kacey: So… um… anything on your mind besides that?
Chris: Um… yeah, okay. I could say a little bit… Okay, I talked to my father today about, like you know, writing up the list of questions he was gonna suggest for going to see Soc-[trips over words] see Social Security people about the job and the housing and all that.
Kacey: Uh-huh.
Chris: But, he was like: “Oh no,we’re…” uh… “Oh no, I’m planning to go- on going down there with you tomorrow afternoon.” So… yeah…
Kacey: Maybe your father doesn’t have any faith in you. Maybe he thinks you’re gonna mess it up, but you know what, you should tell him: “Look, Dad, I know you want everything to go well, but it’s gonna look better on me if I do this.” Like, if he wants to take you, that’s fine. Like, if he wants to drive. But, they’re not gonna take you seriously if you have your father there, because they’re gonna be like: “Why are you even bothering?”
Chris: Yeah... I think I… uh… I might be underselling myself a little bit anyway, but… um… Yeah, I wouldn’t even be sure… I’m not… I just don’t feel like, you know… E-even with the bas- even with the basic questions that we have talked about before, I feel like, you know, they could be more questions that are, like, more appropriate. And plus, my father has proven himself to be… uh… proven himself to be more… m-more of… uh… you know, definitely going down to getting the nitty-gritty of the details and…
Kacey: But still, if you let him talk all the time and not you, they’re gonna think he’s doing this for money. They’re not gonna take you seriously. They’re gonna think you’re trying to abuse the system. And you don’t want that, do you?
Chris: Uh, yeah, I do not want that. Uh, [mumbles incoherently] I-I can do most of the talking. Cause it’s mostly- It’s mo- It’s my thing. I can do most of the talking.
Kacey: Well, I mean, they’re gonna be talking to you. They’re not even gonna want to talk to your father. Your father has nothing to do with it. You’re twenty-seven. I mean if they’re gonna ta- If they’re talking to him and not you, then they totally see you as absolutely disabled, and there’s no point in doing it anyway. They’re gonna want to talk to you. They’re not… They’re gonna be asking you questions. They’re not gonna talk to him. The most they would talk to him about is if he’s your caregiver.
Chris: Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I…
Kacey: [interrupting] And you want to be more able-bodied than that.
Chris: Yeah, I do. I do want to be more able-bodied than that. [pause] I do.
Kacey: That’s good. That’s a good attitude to have.
Chris: Mmmmm… yeah. So, anyway, I’m goin’ down- I’m goin’ down there… You know, I guess my father will be down there for support. Yeah, I’ll do most of the talking and… I’ll try to ask as many- I’ll ask as many questions as I can think of…
Kacey: Uh-huh.
Chris: You know, try to keep him just in the background or just, like, you know… I don’t know… a piece of decoration? [laughs]
Kacey: What?
Chris: I-I don’t know. It’s just… just being a… I said- I said “decoration.”
Kacey: Okay.
Chris: You know. A-Anyway, you know, I’ll do- I’ll do most of the talking. I’ll ask as many questions as I can think of, and if I run short on questions, then I’m pretty sure that… uh… he’ll fill up the void. I mean, you give me- you have given me- you and Kim have both given me plenty of information, so it’s like, you know, so I can at least have a start of what I’m look- of what I’m looking for to find more information of like the work ticket or the… uh… trial period.
Kacey: Right.
Chris: And then…
Kacey: [interrupting] And remember: you can get an extended trial period, so don’t let them sell you short.
Chris: Okay, extended trial period. Okay, and then about… uh… them vouching for my housing benefits- Oh, by the way, I- my mom told me further about the… uh… financial aid situation back in the beginning of my Piedmont days.
Kacey: Uh-huh.
Chris: Yeah, it’s like… yeah, we… they have… uh… there actually was a point in that, even during the stress… they actually tried… tried applying for the… we actually tried applying for the financial aid, but it was like, you know, we had more money… it was like, we had more money back then and we just did not qualify. We had more money then than we do nowadays.
Kacey: But, it goes off of income, so were they working?
Chris: Yeah, they were… my mom was working over at First North American National Bank back then. Then she retired a few years later.
Kacey: Your mom had to be working a lot for you to not even get student loans. I can’t see a reason you wouldn’t qualify, unless there was something wrong with the taxes or something like they weren’t being done correctly.
Chris: Well… yeah, there might… yep, probably, but I don’t know… I was… I was…
Kacey: Probably? I hope not. That’s tax fraud. You can get in so much trouble for that.
Chris: I don’t know all… I don’t claim to know all the information, I’m just… right now, I’m just going along with…
Kacey: That’s really weird though, because even if you couldn’t get financial aid, you should have been able to get student loans.
Chris: Hmm.
Kacey: Like, the government ones. You should have at least gotten something.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah, but… yeah, I think it’s just between the financial aid forms… student loans… yeah, we’ve…
Kacey: Maybe your parents just didn’t want to do them and that’s why they told you that. Cause that’s really strange, cause I mean… it… your mom would have had to be making sooooo so much money for you not to qualify.
Chris: [sighs] Well, I don’t know all the details. That was like over… that was about nine years ag… nine years ago. So, yeah, I can’t remember… I don’t remember all those details. They just kinda like, flew by, cause I was still in the mist of confusion , still recovering from a bad… from a bad graduation… and uhh… and the whole going to college, getting… starting getting used to that. It was stre- It was- those were stressful times.
Kacey: Well, I mean… that’s adulthood. W-what did you think being an adult was gonna be? I-it’s never gonna get better.
Chris: Yeah, and plus… a-also, I was eighteen.
Kacey: Yep. T-that would be an adult.
Chris: Yeah, well, I mean… yeah. You know, there are some… there are some places where it’s like, you know, they feel like fifteen, you’re an adult then. Some places say that.
Kacey: No. No. Where is that? [chuckles]
Chris: Yeah. I’m-I’m just…
Kacey: In America, that’s not true. [chuckles]
Chris: I mean-I mean, when I turned twenty-one, I definitely felt more like an adult, after I turned twenty-one, than I- than I did when I was eighteen, at any time.
Kacey: Well, just because you are an adult, doesn’t mean you feel like one. We’ve… discussed this before. But, seriously: where-where are people of age at sixteen? Where did you hear that from?
Chris: Oh, yeah. I was looking up… a while back I was looking up, like you know, “age of consent” and…
Kacey: Age of consent is not an adult thing, Chris!
Chris: Well…
Kacey: You’re still not an adult with age of consent. Age of consent is bullshit. If you’re under eighteen, people who are older than eighteen have no right to be with you or touching you or anything like that. You’re not mature enough.
Chris: [chuckles]
Kacey: Why were you looking up “age of consent?”
Chris: I don’t know. I was just making sure that… I-I don’t remember… ahh… Let me think. Let me think… mmm…
Kacey: Chris, that’s wrong! You…
Chris: [mutters incoherently]
Kacey: You weren’t… eighteen and trying to date a sixteen-year-old, were you?
Chris: No, no, no, no. I mean… but also, like, you know, in some states they don’t even say anything that’s like a few- a year or two over that… that would be the legal age of consent for that state. But, yeah, it was eighteen for Virginia and that’s what I wanted to learn anyway.
Kacey: So, since you think it’s okay, would you date a sixteen-year-old?
Chris: No. I would not date a sixteen-year-old.
Kacey: Then why were you looking up these laws?
Chris: I was looking up just for the state of Virginia and then I just happened to see all the other states along with it.
Kacey: Well, I mean… even right now, an eighteen-year-old would be too young for you.
Chris: At this point, yeah. An eighteen-year-old would be too young for me. I agree with you. [pause] I mean- I mean, I was- I was also in my early days when… I think this was like… yeah… looking that up, that was a few years ago, like… mid-sweetheart search at this point.
Kacey: Wait, so-so you were considering a- you know, someone’s “age-of-consent.” Chris, that’s… that’s pedophilia.
Chris: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was never considering sixteen, I swear, hand to God.
Kacey: Then why would you even be looking it up?
'Chris: I was just… I was… I was just looking it up for Virginia, making sure eighteen was the age of consent.
Kacey: Eighteen is when you’re an adult. Age of consent has nothing to do with being an adult, like I said. Well, look, look. Like, how young would you go right now? What is [Chris sighs in the background] your ideal girlfriend a-age range?
Chris: Right now, my youngest right now- the youngest I would date would be twenty-one.
Kacey: That’s six years apart. Don’t you think that’s… I mean, I guess it could be worse, but don’t you want someone more… your speed?
Chris: Yeah, well, I don’t know what I want. I’m still a virgin. I’m still learning.
Kacey: Dating does not equal sex. Just cause you’re a virgin doesn’t mean you can’t think of who you want to date. Are you serious? Do you think dating means you get to have sex?
Chris: Eventually. I’ve heard the- I’ve heard the rule of thumb though is, you know, like, after date number three, then…
Kacey: WHAT?! What?!
Chris: [unintelligible]…heard it on television.
Kacey: [interrupting] You think, because a girl goes out with you three times she should have sex with you, like she’s obligated to? That’s… what… no-oo-oo! [breaks into laughter] If somebody did that to me, I’d smack them, and I’d call them a pervert. You have sex when you’re emotionally ready. That’s horrible. No, get that out of your head.
Chris: Okay, I’ll get that out of my head, but I’m just sayin’, that’s what I learned from television.
Kacey: You could have relationships and never have sex. You know that, right? Besides, you shouldn’t have sex until you know that… you could… I-I mean, you’ve gotta be sure about that person.
Chris: Yeah,I know. I’ve understoo- I understood that part.
Kacey: I mean, don’t you wanna love someone first?
Chris: Yeah, I do.
Kacey: I mean, where’d you get that from, like, TV or something?
Chris: Yeah, I told- yeah, I told ya… yeah, television. I’ve heard a lot of it from television, movies, whatever. That sort of thing.
Kacey: Like, which shows? Which television shows?
Chris: [noticeably frustrated] I… I don’t remember. I don’t remember. It was like- it was like comedies- you know, com-comedies or something like that.
Kacey: Okay, cause that should tell you: it’s a comedy. Comedies aren’t real. They’re meant to be funny an ironic. I-I can’t believe you thought that. So… ugh… Chris, what… no! [small chuckles] That-that’s just disrespectful to girls too. I mean… they don’t owe you anything, just cause you went on a date with them. You’re supposed to be there because you enjoy the pleasure of their company, and because you like them. Not because you think on the third date you’re gonna get some. Do you think about that? Do you… think about me like that?
Chris: No. I do not think of you like that. [pause]
Kacey: [sighs]
Chris: I mean, you definitely are genuine, you are sweet. I definitely would like to… b-be with you m-more often. But, it’s like, you know, I would not ask you unless you- unless you felt ready to.
Kacey: Still… Chris… you’re lying to me. You just told me that, it’s the third date and then… bam.
Chris: Eh, no. It was an idea. It was just a theory, and you know, theories are…
Kacey: That’s not a theory! [breaks into laughter] That’s a horrible theory!
Chris: Yeah, it is a horrible theory.
Kacey: I mean- I mean- but, you need to stop equating relationships with sex. Sex is sex. Relationships are… not. You can have sex without a relationship. You can have a relationship without sex. But, I mean, I really wouldn’t recommend the one-night-stand, sex-without-relationship thing, but, I mean… most people wait, like, a long time. Like, months time, or until they get married. [pause]
Chris: Waiting. Yeah. You know what- you know, these things bring up to my mind… you know… the fact that I’ve waited… I’ve been… it’s been like… over… it’s been, like, over six years now that I started the sweetheart search and, you know, even though…
Kacey: [interrupting] Well, you shouldn’t search for it, cause you know, when you’re not looking for things, things happen to fall into your lap like that.
Chris: Yeach, but the point is though, I waited a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time.
Kacey: Well, you know that God wants you to wait until you’re married? I mean, do you ever think about that? I mean, I think girls would find that admirable, if you were gonna wait ‘til marriage.
Chris: [sighs] Yeah, but it hurts.
Kacey: I-I-I… why would it hurt? I mean, you can have a relationship and companionship without sex. You don’t need sex. Sex is not going to make you feel better. If you are looking for sex to fill an emotional hole in yourself, you’re gonna be sorely disappointed. I-it’s just gonna make you feel worse.
Chris: Mmm… [pause]
Kacey: I mean, if all you want is that physical rush, just do it yourself.
Chris: Yeah… I’ve done it to... I-I’ve actually done it to myself so many… so many times, even with a… even with a hunk of… even with an inflatable, plastic wom…wom…
Kacey: Woah, woah, woah! T-M-I! T-M-I!
Chris: Yeah, okay. Yeah, but anyway, I’ve done it so much, it’s like, you know… I can’t even feel that much of a rush from it, doing it to myself like that.
Kacey: Well, maybe that… is… part of your sexual drive. I mean, you should feel pleasure from it.
Chris: I did for a long time and then… I don’t know. It’s like, you know, my body got used to it.
Kacey: So you feel nothing now?
Chris: No, I- No, I do- I do feel it, like you know, when I’m near a woman, I definitely feel it then. And sometimes…
Kacey: [interrupting] “Near a woman?” I thought you were a virgin.
Chris: [clearly frustrated] I am a virgin! I’ve never had sex!
Kacey: Okay then, what-what do you mean by “near a woman?” I mean, obviously, I don’t think you mean you do that near… a woman.
Chris: No, no, no. I meant- I meant- [stutters “I meant” several more times] Oh, oh crap! [yelling] I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore! [exhales]
Kacey: Okay, just calm down. I mean, don’t raise your voiced at me. [chuckles] We should be adults and be able to have a civil conversation about this.
Chris: Yeah, well, I mean… I gave you respect though. I moved the phone away from my head when I shouted.
Kacey: I appreciate it.
Chris: Yeah, but I’m just sayin’, I just felt- I just felt under pressure. And considering the social anxi- considering the socialness and…
Kacey: Well, I thought you were comfortable with me.
Chris: I am comfortable with you, but I’m just sayin’, like you know during a long time where I didn’t- where it was just me and I was just lurching toward a woman[?] or any woman who was willing to give…
Kacey: I think maybe you’re holding that to a standard that you’re never gonna be able to accomplish, like… I think that you’re holding it to a standard to where, if you actually get it, you’re going to be disappointed. I-I mean, y-you need to lower the bar a little bit. I mean, maybe you need some friends. Maybe you just need to get out there more. Maybe join a singles’ group or something.
Chris: I-I’m not even sure if- I’m not even sure if that would be good for me, or waitaminute… Maybe I messed up. I don’t know. [pause] I feel confused.
Kacey: Well, you know, being confused is nothing to be ashamed of.
Chris: [sighs] Yeah, stress and confusion are a bad combination.
Kacey: I guess, but you need to be able to keep them in check and to get through them. That’s part of being an adult is pushing through everything, cause you’re gonna be stressed , you’re gonna be confused. It’s gonna happen, but what’s gonna matter is what you do to push through that.
Chris: Yeah. [pause]
Kacey: But, I mean yeah, like sex isn’t going… to… solve all your problems. It’s just not. It’s not gonna make everything magically better. In fact, sex opens so many doors, it can cause problems, especially emotional problems. I mean, cause then you’re… that’s as involved as you can get with somebody and if you’re not ready for it, it’s going to cause a lot of shit. Like, don’t you think I wish I had waited now? I mean, look at everything that’s happened to me. I wish I waited.
Chris: Well, you know, I’ve heard… uh… I’ve heard in places where… you know, if you… I’m sure if you talk to your church- your pastor at your church… uh… I think there’s…
Kacey: [interrupting] Chris. Chris. I know you’re talking about Born Again Virgins. That’s a load of bullshit. That’s- that’s trendy teen shit that they do to make you feel better, but it doesn’t erase the fact that you’ve done it. I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to keep that between you and God. But, I mean, just because…
Chris: Okay, it’s just, I heard that on television is all. I remember hearing it on an episode of King of the Hill. I’m just throwing it out there.
Kacey: Once again, Chris, that’s a comedy a TV… you can’t… they were fun of it. They were making fun of people who think Born Again Virgins really makes them pure. No. You still did it. That’s still your mistake and you’re gonna have those emotional scars all your life… or the memories, even. I mean… it doesn’t… make you… anything. You’re still you.
Chris: Yeah.
Kacey: I mean, if you’re not having fun, even, you know, doing it yourself, maybe sex isn’t for you right now. Maybe you just need companionship. I think you’re confusing sex with companionship.
Chris: Ugh… so many things I’m confusing. You know, [unintelligible]I used to confuse Michael Jordan with Michael Jackson.
Kacey: Okay, that’s weird, but I don’t know what that has to do with this situation. You shouldn’t keep changing the subject like that.
Chris: I know. I’m just saying, you know, talking about confusion. I’m just saying, I’ve confused things before.
Kacey: Okay.
Chris: Confused people before.
Kacey: Okay, but that’s a little… that’s a little different than this. This is confusing… um… terms and… ideas, like… I-I don’t know. Just- I think what you need is companionship and friends. I mean, your putting sex on this pedestal and people who do that get sorely disappointed. And, I mean, what happens if you do it and then you- you regret it? Y-you should definitely wait until you find someone that you know. That you absolutely know. And it’s not gonna be on the third date. [pause]
Chris: [pause] Yeah.
Kacey: I mean, you’ve even said it’s not fun. I mean, maybe deep down, what you want isn’t sexual-type fun, just, you know, being with other people.
Chris: Uh… let me rewind- let me rewind on that topic. Um… actually, lately I have rea- I have been actually been able to enjoy it… you know, masturbation. I’ve actually been able to enjoy it, because you know, I’ve actually had a girl to put in my head… in my head to fantasize doin’ that with. For a long time I have been doin’ it, you know, where I did not have a woman to fantasize that with. And then eventu- and then eventually that wind out to be no fun. And then… and actually, you know… uh… yeah. Then-then I start talking to girls on the internet. And then, you know, from the pictures they sent me, that starts to get a little more fun and then they wind out. Then I got no fun and it was like a yo-yo thing.
Kacey: Maybe that’s your body’s way of saying that you’re just being lustful, and that that’s why it stops being fun, because there’s no emotional… there’s nothing emotional about it. Like, sex should just be physical. It should be emotional and physical.
Chris: Yeah, but I actually did feel emotions for those girls… b-before they left me or I found out they were trolls.
Kacey: Well, I-I can’t help you with that. You’ve gotta be more careful with that. But, I mean…
Chris: Yeah, I’ve learned from- I’ve learned from my past. I’ve learned from my mistakes.
Kacey: But, I mean- I mean, if I guess you do it now, if you have someone you think of now, are you emotionally attached to that person?
Chris: Yes, I can honestly say I do feel emotionally attached.
Kacey: Okay. [pause] Well, maybe you should concentrate on being that person’s… friend… and, you know, getting to know them.
Chris: Yeah.
Kacey: I mean, you can’t just go straight to that. I mean, I happy it’s working out for you. That’s good. That’s a good sign. But, it shouldn’t be all about that.
Chris: I understand, and I will con- and I will continue to think about… yeah. Maintaining friendship, and then let it all come.
Kacey: But, what happens if it never comes?
Chris: Then I guess it just doesn’t. I mean, it just- that depends upon… uh… my friend, who’s been like an angel to me feels at that time. [pause]
Kacey: Yeah, I mean- I mean, that’s it, but I mean, you’ve gotta be prepared. I mean… I don’t know. Just, you know. Just, this isn’t the way to go about it.
Chris: Yeah. I-I hear you. [pause] I hear you and I appreciate it- I appreciate it all.
Kacey: [chuckles] You’re welcome.
Chris: The guidance.
Kacey: Well, I just want what’s best for you.
Chris: Thank you.
Kacey: I mean, you’re a great friend and I hope nothing changes.
Chris: Hmm… hmm… yeah, thank you. You have been like an angel to me.
Kacey: Um… okay. Uh… cool. [chuckles] Um…
Chris: I mean, your guidance and all, it’s just like, you know, yeah. It’s like that[ what a guardian angel would… g-guide you through.
Kacey: Well- well, that’s gonna be my job. I’m gonna be a nurse. I’m gonna be helping people. So, you know, that’s just what I do. I would do it for anyone.
Chris: [dejected] That’s good. Mmm…
Kacey: Well, anyway, it’s getting late, and I have school, so… um… why don’t I let you go, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow?
Chris: Okay, you’ll send me the email with the links to all the recipes and all that?
Kacey: Yeah, I’ll try to redo it. If not, I‘ll do it after school tomorrow.
Chris: Okay. Uh… talk to you later… Kacey.
Kacey: Okay, talk to you later, Chris. Bye!
Chris: Bye-bye.

[CALL ENDS]

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