BlueSpike PSN Chat 3

As always, our talented team of illustrators is happy to provide visual representation.

BlueSpike PSN Chat 3 was the third PlayStation Network chat between "Julie" (BlueSpike) and Chris, held on 18 February 2009.

Throughout the conversation, "Julie" pumps Chris for details of his sexual history and he spills more than any sane person would want to hear. The chat covers his early experiences with pornography and masturbation, his experimentation with sex toys, the acquisition of his first blow-up doll, and other disturbing subjects.

Perhaps the worst of all is the revelation that Chris discusses his masturbation habits in detail with his mother. No, there's nothing Oedipal going on here at all.

Surprisingly, this chat sees Chris using the word "naïve" correctly and in context.

Summary

Some of this chat is more intriguing than disgusting. Chris talks about the "random thoughts" that inspire his fear of becoming a homo, like mental images of a penis and voices telling him that "Christian is gay." He claims to have a "philopathic memory," whatever that's supposed to mean.

Most of it, though, is just really disgusting. After Julie asks for his "entire sexual history," Chris discusses his early attempts at masturbation, his porn collection, and his chats with his mother about his jacking-off schedule. Some of what he mentions is rehashed from his 27 December chat with PandaHalo — the story about his first encounter with porn on cable TV, for instance — but as is typical of his conversations with Julie, there's a good deal more gory detail here.

The same is true of the sections where Chris discusses his sex toy experiences. Chris bought his first blow-up doll in person at Spencer's (showing either some impressive gumption or an impressive lack of shame) and later switched to buying online from Adam & Eve. Here we learn about the ugly fate of his anal beads and dildo, both of which wound up in the trash after their encounters with the business end of Chris's digestive tract.

Later, Chris and Julie mercifully turn to more mundane topics. Chris talks about the sources of his credit-card debt, which added up to around $2000 at this point. Some of it was apparently just bad luck, like a flat tire on Son-Chu, but most of it came from his flood of PlayStation Network downloads and other impulse purchases. In a flash-forward to the Kacey saga, Julie tries to convince Chris to exercise more. Chris, of course, merely promises to do a bit more standing up.

At the end of the chat, Chris makes a fateful mistake and gives Julie his PSN account password. He would eventually come to regret this.

Transcript

[Chris and BlueSpike/Julie are chatting. BlueSpike is not making any effort to disguise his voice, but Chris is oblivious.]

Julie: Tell me about the random thoughts you've been having, please.
Chris: [sigh] Just basically told 'em, the ones, that, uh, try to trick, the ones that might, that turn me off because they were...they were gay, like I would get, like randomly an image of a penis in my head.
Julie: Aww, can you describe more to me, please? I wasn't there to listen.
Chris: [sigh] Okay, well sometimes, I mean, I'm not sure whether it's mine or not, it's just like a random...penis, like, uh, you know, because it could have been mine or it could have been one I saw in, like one of the porno vid-, one of the porno movies I've seen. And uh, anyway aside from that, I also, uh, get random audio and word thoughts in my, between my audio and my philopathic[sic] memory, where, uh, it's like, you know, other people saying, "CHRISTIAN IS GAY."
Julie: What do they say?
Chris: "Christian is gay."
Julie: Do you really think you're gay?
Chris: [defensive] No, I do not. I'm straight!
Julie: Then you are straight. Just tell me more about these thoughts, please.
Chris: Well, that's just basically it, the, uh...between the audio and uh, between audio accusations, from others, and the text accusations, and the information on the ED page, and the uh, slanderous lyings, and the excuses...
Julie: Uh, Chris, can I ask you something else?
Chris: ...yeah, anyway, they all just pop up randomly, yeah.
Julie: Because I was able to listen in to the Skype conversation between you and Clyde. Um, could you tell me, why did you buy the dolls and the beads and the...everything?
Chris: [sigh] Ok, well, I bought the love dolls for my practice for when I actually do it with a real woman.
Julie: Alright.
Chris: And the, and the anal beads was one free gift. That came with one of the dolls. Cause, you know, adamandeve.com, they give you like a free gift or a free DVD. With uh, with uh, every, with uh every order over over 15, 20 dollars.
Julie: Chris...
Chris: And uh, and the dildo was another free gift.
Julie: You can tell me the truth.
Chris: I am telling you the truth.
Julie: Did you ever use any of those things? It's okay if you did. I just really, I want you to be able to come clean to me. Please.
Chris: Alright, I'll tell you in confidentiality. I put a condom on the dildo and actually did put it up my, uh, A-hole. Uh...and uh, in my humble opinion, it just did not feel right to me. And uh, the anal beads, I just put 'em in there and they were, it's like... in. Not so stiff. So it was just that one time, then they got covered in poo, and I just, I put them in the trash can.
Julie: [almost cracks up laughing] I'm sorry.
Chris: That's ok. And that's about it there.
Julie: Wait, did you tell me about the beads?
Chris: Yeah. I put 'em up my, uh, A-hole the one time and uh, uh, didn't really know how they work, so, uh, and you know, uh, just like you know, I was, like, winging it, and it uh, still didn't, it didn't really turn me on or anything, so I pulled 'em back, pulled 'em out with the string and the beads were covered in poo, so I just put 'em in the trash can and forget about 'em.
Julie: Chris...
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: Thank you for telling, thank you for telling me this. I'm happy that you're able to share these secrets with me. I mean that as in I'm happy that we have a trusting relationship between you and I.
Chris: Can you see me smile? Because I'm smiling.
Julie: I can see you smile. I truly love you, Chris.
Chris: I love you too, Julie.
Julie: So is there anything else you wanna talk about?
Chris: [long pause] I want to, I'd like you here as soon as possible, and I'd like to...hug you.
Julie: I would like to hug you too, but... [sigh] Can I share with you a secret of mine?
Chris: Julie did you hear that?
Julie: Yeah. Yes I did, and can I share with you a secret of mine?
Chris: Yes, I'm listening.
Julie: Once, in school, I mass...debated.
Chris: Hmm. That's no surprise. Uh, what'd you masturbate over?
Julie: Not really over anything. I just went into one of the stalls and, y'know...
Chris: Ah. You just felt horny.
Julie: Yes. Something...
Chris: That's okay. And I, and I respect you for tellin' me that, for sharing that with me.
Julie: Have you ever done something like that?
Chris: Masturbate in the bathroom...stall? No, I've never done, I've never masturbated in a public place, mostly it's been confined in my bedroom, and at least from there I've found like, you know, a good place to masturbate is while sitting on the front edge of the bathroom sink. It's like, uh, you get your feet off the ground, off the floor, and, and uh, it's like, you're in air and it just feels good.
Julie: Yeah. Chris, I know this may be hard for you but I want you to tell me your entire sexual history.
Chris: Sure, I'll give it to you from the best of my recollections... Um, I was...I think it started about sometime when, while I was 16 or 17. Uh, this is when my family and I were still living in Simpson county, and I was, uh, it was uh, let me see... I believe it would be my, uh, sophomore or junior year of while I was, while I was in high school. Anyway, basically one night I was just channel surfing and I figured out the, the code that was blockin' out the channels like HBO and Cinemax that we had at the time there. And I just tuned in, I just tuned in and I found the first porno movie I ever watched. Called "I Like to Play Games... Too." And, uh, basically I tuned into the part where, there were, where the guy and the woman was having sex in the pool. The swimming pool.
Julie: Okay. Continue.
Chris: And uh, it was at that point I first learned about, first learned about, uh, stuff that would ooze out of my, uh...penis. Mmm... I think I'll say "duck" from this point on, but anyway, the stuff that oozed out of my duck, after seeing those things, and uh, it's like uh, I learned from watching the pornos, like, you know, learning from it, were, uh, threesomes, and [drowned out by fading volume and background noise] I dunno, I was more naive about dating back then anyway, I wasn't into dating as much back then as I am now, because I was naive about dating and all that. And...mmm. Anyway. Anyway, anyway since then I, uh, just began lying face-down naked on my bed with a washcloth, uh...uh, in front of my uh...duck. And uh...and the, and the stuff would just uh, the stuff would just come out. I figured, I figured this was like, uh, this was like only precum. The, uh, clear stuff that comes out before the white. So anyway, so anyway, over the years I over the years I, uh, just been watching more softcore porn. Until after I turned 18 I, uh, after I, after I turned 18, after we moved back to Ruckersville, after I graduated from Manchester High, and I, uh, found, I finally got into the Playboy magazines, and I found porno...DVDs, I'm not sure which one was my first one, but I had a bunch of softcore recorded onto VHS. And uh, over those, over the years. And I think, I think it was, like, the first time I actually, uh, figured out the masturbation part where it's like you know, I'm rubbing, rubbin' my duck, instead of just me, instead of just lying face down with a washcloth in front of my duck on the, on the place, like, like on my mattress, I wanted to wash my duck. Make a sandwich there. Like that. But yeah. Anyway, it was, it wasn't until, until I was like 17 when I first figured out about, uh, actually masturbating and rubbing it up and down.
Julie: Huh.
Chris: And aside from that, aside from that I am definitely still a virgin, and, uh, you know, over the course, over the course of time I did confide in my mother and tell her, and tell her about, uh, my, uh, masturbation history there. [BlueSpike suppresses a laugh.] And uh, about how often, and that sort of thing.
Julie: Huh.
Chris: I mean, my mom is more open-minded about the subject, but my father is, because he's much older, and uh, possibly more strict, more close-minded on the subject.
Julie: Ahh. Alright.
Chris: Talking about it...[unintelligible, lots of background noise] Anyway, I did, I did not realize that I really needed to be dating until after I turned 21. It was like I turned 21 and then I'm like, "Oh my God I need to be out, I need to be with a better woman to become my sweetheart!" And that's when the sweetheart search started.
Julie: Huh.
Chris: [long pause] And then eventually I found adamandeve.com. After I got that, yeah, it was like after I turned 21 I, uh, bought my first female love doll at Spencer's, and then I learned about adamandeve.com and I could order them off of the, uh, internet.
Julie: Huh.
Chris: And then, I think it was after that I got my first porno D-, my first hardcore porno DVD.
Julie: Mmm-hmm.
Chris: I forget which one it was, though. I mean, I like have, I have it up in a box. Usually it's like, and I got a message on my Wii.
Julie: Huh, alright.
Chris: I have to switch the input and take a look. It could be from Sarah May. Cuss she and I exchanged our Wii numbers.
Julie: Hey Chris, do you have Mario Kart Wii?
Chris: Oh, you do have a Wii?
Julie: I was able to get one actually.
Chris: Okay, hang on. Let me check the message and then I'll, I'll register your Wii number. [BlueSpike interrupts] ... look it up
Julie: Yeah, but do you have Mario Kart Wii?
Chris: No.
Julie: Why not? It's an awesome game.
Chris: I know it is, I just haven't gotten it yet.
Julie: Well what games do you have?
Chris: Uh, I, I will make it a point to get a copy of Mario Kart Wii.
Julie: What games do you have?
Chris: Uh, hang on, is that, this, this actually came from Adam [unintelligible]
Chris: Oh, he uh, he's just commenting on the video I posted, saying the [unintelligible]
Julie: So Chris, do you have no more heroes?
Chris: Uh, no more heroes? No. [unintelligible, both speak at once]
Chris: Okay, well, I'm looking at my collection right now, I have like, I have like a lot of [unintelligible] but I have Animal Crossing: City Folk and some Wii titles here, Wii Hospital Training, uh, Pokemon: Battle Revolution, Mario... Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity, uh, Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and, uh, Wii Play, Wii Sports, uh, Wii Music, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Nights: Journey of, Journey of Dreams, [unintelligible] and Soul Caliber: Legends.
Julie: [unintelligible]
Chris: And I have downloaded, I have downloaded a bunch of virtual console and Wiiware titles.
Julie: Oh, cool. Do you think you can send me some things some time?
Chris: Yeah, unfortunately, after, after we've exchanged, uh... our Wii numbers I can gift you the... gift you games.
Julie: Yeah.
Chris: Anyway, among my collection I have Super Metroid, Paper Mario, Kirby's Adventure, Alien Soldier, Sin and Punishment, Wrecking Crew, [unintelligible, something Adventure], Pokemon Snap, Pokemon Puzzle League, My Pokemon Ranch, Sonic The Hedgehog and Sonic 2 and Sonic Chaos for the master system, [unintelligible, two other games], Space Invaders Get Even, Sudoku Challenge, Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, [unintelligible], Solomon's Key, Milon's Secret Castle, Mystical Ninja, Waterboy, and Doctor Mario Online.
Julie: Huh, cool.
Chris: Yeah, but in order for me to gift you the items I would definitely have to spend Wii points before I would do that.
Julie: Yeah. Hey Chris, that brings up, that reminds me of something else we need to talk about.
Chris: Uh huh.
Julie: Do you think we could talk about your credit card debt? I mean, I heard it was like $2000. How did, how did you get that?
Chris: [Sighs twice] Well my PlayStation 3 contributed to that for one thing, and then my impulses...[unintelligible] the rest. And then there was this one time, I, uh, needed a new tire for my car, after I, after it got flat and I had to ride to Sears to get a new tire. And uh, and some other things, yeah.
Julie: Huh. So is there anything else you want to tell me about?
Chris: Hmm, basically anything you want to know you ask me and I'll, uh, tell ya.
Julie: Really? You trust me enough?
Chris: I trust you.
Julie: Promise you won't get mad?
Chris: I promise I will not get mad.
Julie: Do you think maybe you could do something about your weight?
Chris: [Sighs] Yeah, I can exercise more.
Julie: Cuss, cuss I don't mean to be rude, but standing up while playing guitar hero, that's not exercise.
Chris: Hmm, actually it is, cuss, uh
Julie: Chris I'm sorry, but standing up is not exercise, I'm sorry Chris.
Chris: Alright, uh, I'll work out more. I'll do more physical activity.
Julie: Really?
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: Thank you.
Julie: So, is there anything, anything at all you want to tell me, anything I haven't asked I want you to tell me?
Chris: Hmm, um, not off the top of my head, but I'll think about that and anything I come up with I will definitely confide unto you.
Julie: Well, okay.
Julie: Hey Chris, can I ask, what games do you have for computer, do you have any?
Chris: Um, I'm not really into computer games now a days, I mean I was more into that back in the, uh, the high school days. But now a days I just mostly play console games. Uh, not really into playing games for the PC.
Julie: Hm.
Chris: But I have some, I just don't know which ones.
Julie: Yeah. Can I ask you a question Chris?
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: If I ever got a 360 would you get one so you could play with me?
Chris: Ummmm, uhhhh, not right away. If I wanted to get myself a 360 it would be like a month before I could afford one.
Julie: Really, hm. Yeah I guess.
Chris: But, you know, we'd be together soon.
Julie: Yeah, well Chris, remember I told you about it in my letter.
Chris: I know. So that's why I'm talking about the details right now.
Julie: Cuss Chris, once my letter gets there you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: Ahhhh, yup.
Chris: Yup.
Julie: Yup.
Chris: Yup.
Julie: Yup.
Chris: Ummm hmmm.
Julie: Uhh huh.
Chris: [laughs] I was imitating Hank Hill there.
Chris: And then Dale, yup.
Julie: Yup.
Chris: Boomhower, mmm hmm.
Julie: So, was there anything you want to talk about?
Chris: I'm thinking, uhhh. ''long pause'' We could talk about you.
Julie: I don't really like to talk about myself.
Chris: I understand. At least over the internet, right?
Julie: Yeah.
Chris: But you'll be, you'll be more willing to me about yourself in person, won't you?
Julie: Yeah.
Chris: All right.
Chris: Yeah, uh, yeah, you tell me you're a cook, you're a good cook and that you're studying to be a doctor.
Julie: Yeah.
Chris: Do you like being a doctor better than being a cook?
Julie: Um, I'm not really sure.
Chris: I see.
Chris: Cuss I'm just saying if you can't get a job being a doctor, then you might consider getting a job at a restaurant, a job at a restaurant working as a cook.
Julie: Well cuss Chris the thing is they're both fun. Cooking and being a doctor.
Chris: Okay, well that's cool.
Chris: Well, what part of being a doctor fascinates you.
Julie: I'm not really sure, I just like the idea of being able to help people live longer.
Chris: Ahh, that's good.
Chris: You know one thing I learned?
Julie: What?
Chris: Couples live longer than singles.
Julie: Yeah.
Chris: So you, so we get together, you'll be helping me live longer. And I would be helping you live longer.
Julie: Yeah.
Julie: Chris?
Chris: That turn you on a little bit?
Julie: Kind of, yeah.
Julie: Chris?
Chris: Yeah?
Julie: It's like spring fever, you know, and how the PSN is gonna get a lot of new things, right?
Chris: You talking about the PSN and the, uh, spring fever thing?
Julie: Yeah. Do you think...
Chris: And the, and the... and the games flower.
Julie: Do you think maybe, for a while, we could just, you could just let me share your account for a while? Please?
Chris: All right, I'm gonna, I'm gonna trust you with the main password on my account.
Julie: Thank you Chris.
Chris: Okay, so you get a pen and, uh, paper?
Julie: Hold on, let me get one. I have one right here at my desk. All right, go.
Chris: Okay, my, uh, password spelled out for ya. It's uh, 3-2-1.
Julie: Okay.
Chris: n-a-i-v-e
Julie: Okay.
Chris: n-u-t-m-e-g
Julie: All right, uh, is it this: 3-2
Chris: ''interrupts''
Julie: Can you spell it out one more time?
Chris: Uh, 3-2-1-n-a-i-v-e-n-u-t-m-e-g-2-7
Julie: After n-a-i-v-e one more time?
Chris: n-u-t-m-e-g-2-7
Julie: nutmeg27?
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: All right, thank you.
Chris: So, so, so, reading back that would say 321naivenutmeg27
Julie: Yeah, that makes sense.
Chris: There you go.
Julie: Thank you.
Chris: Uh, I'll tell you what, I'll uh, if you're asking me to entrust you with my password, uh, how 'bout entrusting me with yours?
Julie: Chris, I have nothing online, so I don't really know why you would want mine.
Chris: [unintelligible]...online off of mine in that case.
Julie: Chris?
Chris: Yeah?
Julie: I do have a couple of [unintelligible], do I use it on the PSN? I did tell them about you and how you were a really nice person, but exactly see the light. I don't want you having to... Chris? Chris went offline! Chris broke, we broke the Chris. Code red, code red.
Julie: What the, what just happened?
Troll: I don't know.
Another Troll: Maybe you scared him away?
Troll: Oh Chris, have you learned no lesson? [unintelligible]... I bet anything that's the same password for [unintelligible]

[Tape runs out]

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