Bob Walks In

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Bob Walks In is the most famous of the cybersex-chats with Julie, in which Chris is caught masturbating by his father, Bob.

Background

What Chris imagines Julie looks like...

The Chandler family home only has one computer, and it's in the kitchen. Every time Chris wants to engage in cyber sex, he's spanking it in the middle of the kitchen/living room.

Valentine's Night, 2009: Chris was on a hot e-date with his ONE, TRUE AND HONEST SWEETHEART Julie. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his bent duck. Unbeknown to Chris, trolls were tipped off that Chris was firing some knuckle children and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to watch his son stroking his bent duck, yelling like a horny retard. Four calls were made, the first three failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" at the time). The final call, made by Miscreants agent Bryan Bash, called up and told Bob "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!"

Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs and walked into his son's most intimate moment, and was, justifiably, horrified and appalled. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cutting down the Internet". Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Robert's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.

This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing Chris-chan saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.

Prelude

The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while fapping and making slurping sounds (suggesting Chris fails at performing even imaginary cunnilingus). If you love your life, it is advised that you do not read this transcript.

Chris Gets Started

Hey, Julie! (Says something "Molvanîa") Ah yeah, Good, you're on me. Alright, hi... you do that. Oh... (Rustling, possibly taking off clothes) Oh... Oh-ho-ho! Alright, (indistinct) clothes. Ok. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will... mmkay. Ahhhhh... I could take a good guess... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. Ohhh! Hhhh... Oh my... Oh my... Mmmm... actually, I'm pretty okay... mmm... Oh yeah. Cause is- cause it got stiff... for you. Mmmmm... Ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm... (spits on his hands) Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy... Hhhh... Mmmmm... Mmmm... Oh... Okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes pink-eye. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah... (begins fapping) Oh yeah. (slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp) Oh yeah... mmmm.... Oh yeah. (smack smack smack) mmmm... mmm... (slurp slurp slurp) Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... (smack smack smack smack slurp slurp) Oh... (fapping gets louder) Mmm!

Adventures in China

(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout)Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... (smack smack smack) Mmm... mmmmmmmm... Meeee-yeowww. mmm... ahhh, that's fine. (smack smack smack) Mmmm... (faps even harder, banging into stuff) I was kind of expecting this myself. (faps even more hard) Yeah... So do I... mmmm... (fapping is very loud at this point) Ahhhh! MMm... (phone rings) Mmm... Mmmm... I love you too, Julie... you are, you are...

It's very good. Mmm... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... (fapping speeds up) Mmm... Go ahead, get rougher, rougher... Mmmm... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... mmm... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh... ahhh... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! (phone rings) Jullayyyy... (phone rings again) Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm... Julie... JULAAAAAY... Julaaaaaaaaah.

Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh... mmm?? (phone rings) mmm... get on me... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah... not yet... mmm. (smack smack smack slurp slurp) I'll fit in (?)...mmmf... ah... oh yeah... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... (faps very hard) ahh... mmmm... oh yeah... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm... (phone rings) mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...

Bob walks in at this point. Chris stops fapping.

Daddy catches Chris having one off the wrist

“	Get away from the internet, I'm cutting it down!!!	”
Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler

“	NO DAD, NO!	”
Chris, during Goofy Time

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Transcript

Bob: Christian, what are you doing? [slurp slap]
Chris: [immediately stops fapping, but knocks several things over] Nothing.
Bob: I’m getting all these crazy damn' calls. What're you doing?
Chris: Nothing.
Bob: Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
Chris: Dad, will you get out of here?
Bob: No. [string of Windows beeps] I will not. People telling me that you’re about to kill yourself on YouTube.
Chris: What?
Bob: What are you doing?
Chris: I’m not doin’ anything.
Bob: Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
Chris: No.
Bob: Well then get out of here, and off that Internet.
Chris: Fine.
Bob: What is your trouble?
Chris: I am not going to kill myself.
Bob: Get away from that TV.
Chris: Fine.
Bob: Get away from the Internet. I’m cuttin’ it down, right now.
Chris: NO DAD NO!
Bob: Yes.
Chris: No!
Bob: What are you doin’?

[long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then single Windows beep]

Chris: Don’t do it, Dad.
Bob: I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
Chris: No.
Bob: Yes.
Chris: No! [pause]Dad, no. Stop!
Bob: Go wake your mother up; don’t bother me. Okay? [pause] Go wake your mother up! Don’t bother me!
Chris: Ugh.
Bob: Go and wake your mother up!
Chris: Ugh.
Bob: You tell mm-her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.
Chris: No!
Bob: Yes!

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