Kacey and Liquid Call

Adipem goddammit (Fat goddammit)

On 11 November 2009, Bryan Bash leaked another phone call to /cwc/.

A follow-up to the original Father Call bombshell, this call between Kacey and Solid Chris (Ian Brandon Anderson) mostly consists of Solid trying to defend his actions in Sonichu Special #4 and life in general until Liquid Chris arrives. At that point, Solid loses it, and the conversation degenerates into a shouting match.

Bob and Barb Chandler also make an appearance as Chris hides behind his mother's (and father's) skirt.

Summary

"You shot him!" (00:00-09:29)

Chris asks Kacey if she got the comic that he sent her. Kacey expresses horror over the fact that - in said comic - Chris shoots Liquid. Chris defends himself by noting both that he shot Liquid only in the legs and that Liquid was coming after him with a knife. Kacey doesn't understand why Chris didn't just produce one of his usual Chris-chan Sonichu stories. Chris replies that he'd thought that this comic should be closer to real life, though he immediately thereafter backpedals to note that he doesn't own a gun in real life. When this account fails to appease Kacey, Chris offers to retcon the offending page out of the comic entirely. Kacey explains to Chris that redrawing the scene won't change the fact that he's demonstrably crazy enough to want to shoot her boyfriend. In a final word of defense, Chris suggests that Liquid is similarly insane.

"It's a very simple question!" (9:30-13:14)

In addition to upsetting her with his latest comic, Chris has disappointed Kacey by breaking his promises to clean his room and get into shape. When Kacey asks Chris if he's been jogging five miles a day, there's a long pause before Chris replies that he has. After further interrogation, Chris modifies his answer to say that he has been jogging one-and-a-half miles a day, but that he could be jogging five. When Kacey points out that Chris was just claiming that he has in fact been jogging five miles a day, Chris insists that he had simply misunderstood her question.

"That's not volunteer work!" (13:15-17:14)

Since - like Chris himself - the argument over how much Chris jogs is going nowhere, Kacey moves on to discuss further evidence of Chris's sloth. Exhibit B: Chris's LittleBigPlanet date level was originally made for another girl. Chris's peculiar defense: that doesn't matter because said other girl turned out to be a dude. Kacey then accuses Chris of playing video games when he could've been working on his comic for her, at which point Chris briefly 'TARDS OUT. Thereafter, the hits from Kacey come fast and furious: Chris accomplishes nothing despite not going to school, not working, and not having any friends. Chris replies that although he's not working, he is filling out job applications. When Kacey questions the existence of Chris's work history, Chris claims that his time spent playing Pokémon with children counts as volunteer work.

Father Knows Best (17:15 - 19:50)

Kacey states that her father is right, Chris is insane, and that she should be with Liquid. She states that she hated the apology video, calling it fake, and that Ian's behavior was like that of a spoiled brat. Ian responds harshly, saying that he really cried. Kacey finally sees the light, saying that Ian only wants her for one thing and that he just wanted to take her away from Liquid to spite him. She reveals that Solid Chris told her not to talk to Liquid or see him again. Ian is either trying to be smooth or trying to guilt her into giving up by saying the first thing he thinks of when he thinks of her is what a great friend she is.

Sonichu di Casanova (19:51 -22:40)

Ian begins talking quietly, in small, generic sentences about how much he cares about her. He says that if someone were to shoot Kacey, he would be sad. Ian states how she has been nothing but good to him. Kacey declares she hates liars. Apparently, the first time they met, he did nothing but stare at Kacey's chest and insult her. Ian declares he was looking at her face, and ignores the fact that he called her fat. She points out that her face isn't under her shirt.

Here Come the Drums (22:41-30:17)

Things turn truly interesting when the real Chris picks up the phone on Kacey's end. Solid and Liquid yell over each other for quite a while. Kacey accuses Ian of forging his driver's license and he denies being fat. In the middle of conversation, Solid goes into 'tard rage mode and yells at Liquid and Kacey. Liquid is going to the police with the gun comic.

"Stop being crazy!" (30:18-35:40)

Kacey doesn't think Ian is autistic. Solid invites Liquid over, but Kacey warns him that he will get shot. It is revealed that Liquid and Kacey were making passionate love at 14 Branchland Court. Solid is enraged. Kacey thinks that Ian doesn't care about her, and that he is too busy being Chris.

Grand Finale (35:41 and onward)

Kacey's dad likes Liquid, not Solid. Liquid will turn Sonichu into a real franchise. Liquid has a job. Ian whines about truth and honesty. He wakes up his parents at midnight to scare off trolls on the phone. Barbara calls Kacey a bitch. Kacey tells Ian to fuck off. Liquid and Kacey will get married. Solid will chase Liquid down and prove him as the liar.

Transcript

Chris: Hello?
Kacey: Hey, Chris! It's Kacey.
Chris: Hey, Kacey. How are you?
Kacey: [draws air through teeth] Um... I'm okay.
Chris: Yeah. Mmm. So, did you get the, uh, comic pages I sent ya?
Kacey: Yeah! Um... I'm a little disturbed by the violence in it. You— You— You shot Chris!
[pause]
Chris: Only in the legs. So he wouldn't g— So he wouldn’t co— So he wouldn't chase after us.
Kacey: But that's— That's horrible! That's really horrible! Like, he'd be in a wheelchair! Like, he wouldn't do that to you!
[pause]
Chris: Well... Okay, well... I'm sorry.
Kacey: Like, why did you think that was appropriate? Otherwise, I mean, it was good, but... [briefly cries and sniffles]
Kacey: I mean—
Chris: Well, I mean, like...
Kacey: —he's a lot nicer than that. You're trying to make yourself look better than him, but you shot him!
Chris: Well, he came after me— Well, I pretty much drew him coming after me with a knife!
Kacey: Bu— But— But still, I mean, haven't you ever heard that it's more honorable to— To kill a man than to cripple him? And, I mean, it— I mean, it's your comic! You drew it!
Chris: Mmm... Well...I didn't really want to kill him. I mean, I didn’t wa— I-I don't... Would you rather have— I have actually shot him dead instead of just...shooting him in the legs?
Kacey: Well, I-I'd rather you—
Chris: Or—
Kacey: —not have shot him at all, but, I mean, I'm just saying: it’s like, why did you have to make it so violent? Like, normally, in your comics, you, like, transform into Chris-chan Sonichu and beat them that way. Like, I've never seen you, like, attempt to kill somebody...in a comic before!
[pause]
Chris: Uh, well, I mean, I just felt like in the… I mean, I just felt like I should be more...I don't know...more real— realistic in...these pages, ‘cause it's more close to real life, uh—
Kacey: So, you're saying that—
Chris: —y’know—
Kacey: —you would shoot him in real life?
[pause]
Chris: Well, in se— In self-defense! Mmm... I mean, yeah, my— In that— In— Y’know, seriously, though, I mean, like, y’know... In real life, I would appre— I would, uh, try— I would, uh—
Kacey: Where would you get a gun, anyway?
Chris: Mmm... Well, I don’t— I do not currently own a real gun. I do not own a real gun. I drew that gun based off— Based off the, uh— Based off...Generation 1 Megatron.
[pause]
Kacey: Oh. Okay, so, you're basing...shooting him...on— On...Transformers? What?
Chris: Uh...no. Y’see, I have the— I have the, uh, actual toy for, uh, Generation 1 Megatron. Y’know, where he actually transforms into a P38 pistol with the, uh, accessories on it?
Kacey: I know, but you shot him with a real gun in the comic. Like— Like...he was my boyfriend and you shot him! I mean, don't you think that I still care about him a little? That's just weird. I just— I mean, like— I was expecting, like— you know, like, a magical fight, not like...you shooting him. [laughs incredulously]
Chris: Mmm... [smacks lips] Well... Well, I did not realize you want— You wanted me to...cute it up a little— Cute it up a little bit in that sense. I mean, you wanted me to rescue you, and I...didn't really want— I just didn’t really feel like, uh...cute— That cute— That, uh— That...whole transformation thing was appropriate.
Kacey: Well, uh, neither is shooting him! I mean, you can't change that! You already did that! I mean, this is the comic; I realize it’s the comic. It's supposed to be...like, not shooting people; it’s supposed to be like...the Sonichu...comic. But, I mean, you— You shot him.
Chris: Well...it's not officially published yet. I mean, I only— I mean, I can— I can change that page. I can change that. I can fix that. [long pause] I can...get rid of the gun, and just... Yeah, maybe— Yeah, may— Yeah, I can make it less viol— Violent. Okay?
[pause]
Kacey: Um... I mean, but you already did it. I mean, what's done is done.
Chris: Well, yeah, but— Yeah, but I can change that page. I can redraw it.
Kacey: But you already did it. The images are already in my head!
[pause]
Chris: Um... Okay, well, I'm sorry for— I did not mean for it to—
Kacey: But Chris, that's crazy! I mean, that’s insane! You're— You’re calling...Chris crazy, but that's insane. I mean—
Chris: Well—
Kacey: —it doesn't change the fact that you wanted to shoot him.
[pause]
Chris: I— Yeah, I guess it doesn't. Mmm...
Kacey: I mean, I don't feel comfortable with people like that. I mean, I'm going to school to save lives. Do you think I would approve of that? I mean, hell no! That’s crazy!
[long pause]
Chris: Well... Yeah, okay. Yeah. I could’ve done it better; I could’ve done it less violent. I'm sorry.
Kacey: [growing hysterical] If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place! I mean, like, you drew him...there...in pain, and you're just watching him bleed, and then you leave him! Like, uh— Like, what happens if you do that in real life? He'd die! Don't you think I would be miserable?
Chris: Hmm... No, actually, I would have called 9-1-1 on him. Y’know...bring the police and the ambulance around.
Kacey: Okay...and be what? Be like, "I shot him"? They're gonna arrest you! You're gonna call 9-1-1 on yourself? Violence doesn’t solve anything. I mean, you could’ve not shot him in the first place! 'Cause the police are just gonna go after you then. And— And then, there would be none of either of you.
Chris: Alright. You’re right. You’re right.
Kacey: I mean— And especially, where you shot him, like in the legs? Hello? Gravity! He's gonna lose blood a lot quicker!
[long pause]
Chris: Alright, well... Like I said, I can— I can— I can redraw that, ’cause, y’know, uh...it's not published anywhere. It's not published anywhere. It's like, yeah, I can— I can...undo that. I can redraw that page. I can change that.
Kacey: No, I don't want you to redraw it! I don't want you to redraw it. Okay? It's already done. It— It's— I have no words to describe it. I mean...[exhales angrily] like...th— You did this...after the thing with my father, and he told my brother about it, and my sister about it. Like, my whole family is against you. They think you're crazy. I mean, this is about your intentions, and now, what am I— What's gonna happen if, like...somebody sees this? They're gonna think you're insane!
[pause]
Chris: Well...nobody has— Nobody else has to see it.
Kacey: But what happens if they did? I don't get why you had to shoot my boyfriend. What the hell?
[pause]
Chris: Well...my— In my defense, uh...he was crazy, too.
Kacey: But he didn't shoot you!
[pause]
Chris: Yeah. Alright.
Kacey: I mean, he's not crazy. He at least has police reports saying what happened to him, and I totally believe him. I mean, he can't fake that. And, I mean, I can't believe you did that. And, I mean—
Chris: Okay! Okay, okay. Okay, Kacey?
Kacey: And I was starting to believe in you again, even though...you do all these things, like: you never clean your room; you never made the song; you didn't stop eating fast food, ’cause I totally know about the whole McDonald’s thing. So—
Chris: Okay—
Kacey: —I mean—
Chris: —see, I-I-I— Okay. Well, I have d— I have done some room cleaning. I mean, I-I—
Kacey: You were supposed to have it done, like, a month ago! And you still can't jog, or work out, or whatever...
Chris: Yeah. I-I-I am! I have been jogging. I have been working out. I have been doing all that.
Kacey: Five miles a day?
[long pause]
Chris: I have.
[pause]
Kacey: You— You've been jogging five miles a day? Seriously...you're lying to me. I need proof for this. [pause] I mean—
Chris: Alright.
Kacey: —I bet you don't have the gym membership or anything.
[pause]
Chris: Well, not yet on the gym membership; I'm jogging arou— Um, I’m jogging around the neighborhood.
Kacey: Yeah, but I doubt it's for five miles. You're seriously doing five miles? Come on.
Chris: It’s like... Okay—
Kacey: You complained—
Chris: —it’s like, over—
Kacey: —to my father about pulling weeds. I doubt...you're gonna do five miles.
Chris: I can do five miles, Kacey.
Kacey: Okay—
Chris: I can jog five miles.
Kacey: —have you— Have you— Did you do it today? ’Cause you told me you're—
Chris: I jog—
Kacey: —doing it every day, so obviously, you did it today?
Chris: Yeah, I did it today. I jogged...once around the neighborhood. That's about one-and-a-half miles. I could jog more than that, and, uh, jog up to five miles. I can do that.
Kacey: No, you said you j— You just told me that you jogged five miles every day. You're lying to me already? To my face?
Chris: No, no. Okay, okay, wait. We had a miscommunication...alright?
Kacey: No, you said "yes". I said "Do you jog five miles every day?", and you said "yes". That's not miscommunication; that's lies.
[pause]
Chris: Yeah. Okay, well, I mis— I misunderstood the question. I thought you said—
Kacey: [speaking rapidly] How can you misunderstand the question? It's a very simple question! I wasn't asking it to you in Japanese!
[pause]
Chris: Okay. Alright. But anyway, yeah, I have been jogging one-and-a-half miles every day.
Kacey: Bullshit! Kim and I talked about how much you "jog". I know you don't jog.
Chris: Yes, I do.
Kacey: Five minutes isn't jogging. You can’t even do enough to get your heart rate up.
Chris: Yes, I can.
[pause]
Kacey: No, you can't.
Chris: And I do.
Kacey: You just sit around and play video games. You haven't done anything you said you were gonna do for me, and then you— You show a comic with you shooting people! And— And— And— And...I'm supposed to be like "Yay! Thank you!"?
[pause]
Chris: Alright. Well, yeah, I— Okay, well, I admit I was wrong in drawing that. And...I cannot undo it, but...okay, well, what can I do to make up for that?
Kacey: For what? The comic? Jogging? It— It's too late. You— I mean, it's done.
[pause]
Chris: Well, we're— Well, we’re talking ’bout for the comic, still, here. What can I do to make up for that?
Kacey: You shot someone! You can't make up for it. I'm gonna remember that! That's creepy! That's insane!
[pause]
Chris: You’re right...
Kacey: Besides— And I found out that you didn't even make that date level for me. I heard you made it for another girl. That's so disrespectful.
[pause]
Chris: Okay, well, in my defense, I thought when I— Uh, before I-I later found out that that...quote/unquote "girl" was actually a dude.
Kacey: Doesn't matter. No wonder you said it was so easy: ’cause you already had it done!
[pause]
Chris: But— But— But still, the— But still-
Kacey: That's not the point!
Chris: —I created the whole new level of—
Kacey: No wonder you didn’t want to do the comic! You probably weren't even gonna do the comic, besides when I kept...bitching at you.
[pause]
Chris: Well, I did...[stutters unintelligibly] I did the comic! I did.
Kacey: Yeah, eventually...
Chris: I had— I had it started, and I had it mostly done! I finished coloring it today, and I-I-I sent it to you.
Kacey: But you even put in the video that you were doing this in— Instead of a comic because it was easier. You just wanted to play more video games.
Chris: Well... Okay, well, ba— [stress sighs] Well, I m— I misworded that. I meant— I m— I meant to say "in addition to the comic." Okay?
Kacey: No... I think you weren’t gonna do it. I think you were lying.
Chris: [starts 'tarding out] NO, I WAS— NO, I WAS— NO, I HAD— I HAD IT...[calms back down] already— I had it started, after I had— I had started. I started on it after I did the level. And then, I— And I had it almost done. I just— Just needed to color in the f-final pages today. And I did that! And—
Kacey: Well then, you should’ve said that. And don’t you dare fucking...raise your voice at me. I mean, why couldn't you have done it? You could’ve finished it in less than a day; you don't even have a job. You don't do anything.
Chris: Well, I...[stress sighs] I am doing something; I am working—
Kacey: Like what?
Chris: I am working on—
Kacey: What do you—
Chris: I have done—
Kacey: What do you have to do all day? You don't go to school like I do; you don't go to work like I do.
Chris: But I am working on getting—
Kacey: You obviously don't go out with friends like I do!
Chris: I'm filling out the onli— I'm filling out the applications, so I can work— So, I'm working on getting a job!
Kacey: That doesn't take all day. I've been putting in applications to get a new job. It takes me, like, five minutes.
[pause]
Chris: Actually, for me, it— Actually, for me, it takes, like, about ten or twenty minutes.
[pause]
Kacey: Well, y’know, you filling out something should be fairly easy ’cause you don't really have any work history. It takes, like, five minutes when you don't.
Chris: No, actually, I do have the work history. And I listed it in my resume.
[pause]
Kacey: Yeah, but nobody wants to hear about.. fucking...Sonichu and Rosechu. That's not a good way to get a job!
Chris: There's more— I mean, y’know, c’mon— There's more to it than...that. There's the, uh...time at Wendy’s. And then, I worked at—
Kacey: You got fired. That's not good either.
Chris: And definitely— And definitely did the volunteer work at the— For the Pokémon Trading Card Game League.
Kacey: That’s not volunteer work! That does not count as volunteer work. Like, that’s not community service!
Chris: It was volunteer work.
Kacey: That does not count as volunteer work. I promise you that if you needed volunteer work for something, that would not count; that is not community service. I mean, you were already there to play Pokémon? That’s not community service; that's babysitting.
Chris: Yes, well... Yes, okay, well, that was babysitting, but it was volunteer babysitting.
Kacey: [nearly laughing in disbelief] Still. Not. Community. Service. Community service is like candy striping, helping out with the humane society, going and reading to people in old folks’ homes, planting some trees! Uh, uh, um... Humanity— Uh, the— Habitat for Humanity! That's community service: things that actually contribute to society. Pokémon does not contribute to society. [long pause] You know, my dad's totally right. You're fucking insane. And I should be with Chris, because you totally opened my eyes.
Chris: Don't say that... Don't say that, that just makes me... That just makes me feel bad... I do not mean to give off the impression of being crazy.
Kacey: But you're being selfish, you won't do anything for me. Okay, yeah, you finally made the comic, but then you— Oh, my God. I mean, you were so nasty to my family, you just— You don't even seem apologetic at all. I mean, that whole video you made sounded so fake. That was like what my little sister does when she doesn't get her way, like a spoiled retarded brat.
Chris: [whining] THAT WAS TRUE, I CRIED. I DID CRY.
Kacey: Those weren't even REAL TEARS.
Chris: THEY WERE REAL.
Kacey: NO, THEY WERE NOT. Don't raise your voice, seriously. That is what Kara does when she doesn't get her way.
Chris: Those were real tears.
Kacey: No, they weren't. I really think my dad's right, I think you just want me so you can fuck me and take me from Chris, 'cause you're jealous of Chris.
Chris: No, no, no, no, that's not it.
Kacey: YOU ARE JEALOUS. You told me not to talk to him anymore, you told me not to see him. The hell is up with that? That's my BOYFRIEND. I mean, that was like, he's the love of my life. You just want Crystal or something. You mentioned that to my dad, that creeped my dad OUT. And then you couldn't even give my dad a reason you're better than him. What am I supposed to think? I mean, what are you thinking about when you think of me, tell me right now. What are you thinking about when you think of me?
Chris: I think about, like...how good of a friend you are. And how I care about you very much.
Kacey: A friend? Chris...
Chris: And how you care about me.
Kacey: A friend? You just said "a friend," that sounds like a stalker. Come on, seriously, what do you think about me? How do you care about me?
Chris: I care about you very much.
Kacey: How? Not how big.
Chris: I worry about you—
Kacey: You worry about me HOW? Maybe you should be more worried about me hanging around people who would SHOOT PEOPLE.
Chris: Well, I care about your safety and well-being, and if someone shot you, I would care about you and feel sad...
Kacey: Did you just say if someone would SHOOT ME?
Chris: In my defense—
Kacey: Maybe YOU'LL shoot me if I pissed you off. Come on.
Chris: I would not shoot you.
Kacey: Why not? You're obviously just— UGH!!!
Chris: I do not even have a real gun.
Kacey: But that's unstable, that is SO unstable.
Chris: ...Okay. Okay, I guess it is. I guess it is unstable. But...Kacey, I... When I think about you, I think about, like, the sweetest, kindest woman I've ever known in my life, who's been nothing but helpful to me.
Kacey: So, then why are you gonna treat my family like that? Why are you gonna treat my boyfriend like that? Why are you gonna treat people I know like that? You lie to me and Kim all the time, and Kim's one of my best friends now.
[dramatic pause]
Chris: Because I'm not... Sometimes, I'm not sure what to say. And—
Kacey: So you lie? Because that's gonna be good... Why would you lie to your friends? Lying to your friends isn't good.
Chris: I'm most of... I mean...most of the time I'm honest. And when I do lie, it's a little lie.
Kacey: No, there's no such thing as "little lies", all of them are big lies, especially... Me? I hate lies when you don't need to lie about them; stupid lies are the worst lies. I'd rather have a huge big lie than a little lie. You lie ALL THE TIME. That's pathetic.
Chris: I do not lie all the time, I lie some of the time.
Kacey: And I mean you, like— Come on, you're lucky I gave you this much of a chance. First time you met me, all you did was stare at my chest and insult me. I mean, I can't understand how you called me fat and the— On the other hand, you were staring at me the whole time.
Chris: I was looking at your face, I was staring at your face.
Kacey: My face is not down there, I'm not that short.
Chris: No, no, I— [Liquid interrupts]
Liquid: Hey, baby, I'm home.
Chris: I was looking at your face...
Liquid: Who are you talking to? Hmm... Lemme pick up the phone here. Hey, who's this?
Chris: Hello?
Liquid: Hmm...
Chris: Hello? ...Yeah—
Liquid: Hey, wait a minute. Ugh, is this who I think it is?
Kacey: Yeah, it is.
Liquid: Mr. Ian Brandon Anderson?
Chris: No, my name is Christian Weston Chandler. You know that.
Liquid: No, it's not. MY name is Christian Weston Chandler and YOU are Ian Brandon Anderson. What are you doing talking to Kacey?
Chris: She and I are friends. And my name is Christian [inaudible]
Kacey: Wait, wait, which am I? Am I your girlfriend or your friend? You keep going back and forth. You're lying again.
Liquid: You will always stay friends, Mr. Ian Brandon Anderson. THAT IS AS FAR AS YOU GO!!!
Chris: [angry sigh] Look! Chris! I'm so sick of you callin' me by that stupid name! I being myself, B means specifying who I am, A being singular, and Chandler being my last name! It was just a YouTube name! There is no such person as "Ian Brandon Anderson"!
Liquid: Shut your stupid... Shut your mouth! You are— You are— You are Ian Brandon Anderson, I am...
Kacey: I'm starting to really think you are Ian. Because, I mean, you lied to me about everything already. So why wouldn't you lie to me about that?
Chris: No! Kacey! You saw my— You saw my driver's license!
Kacey: You can fake those! You accused Chris of faking it, so why couldn't you? Maybe that's why you accused him of faking it, because you know to fake it?
Liquid: Yeah!
Chris: Now wait a minute, Kacey!
Kacey: Don't you raise your voice at me!
Chris: I got that, I got my driver's license from the DEE-EM-VEE!!!
Liquid: No you didn't, because your— Yours is obviously a forgery of my own good name!
Chris: NO!!! NO!!!
Liquid: Yes, it is!
Chris: I am the real deal! I can...
Liquid: Shut up!
Chris: I have all the proof and everything! You're just— You're the copycat!
Liquid: No, you're a copycat, because all you've been doing is copying my— My moves, throughout my entire life! You say this...
Chris: No, you— No! You've been copying me for the past three and six months!
Liquid: No, you can't even— No...
Kacey: Okay, who am I going to believe? The guy who's hot and sexy and can play a guitar, or the person who lies to me every fucking night? I mean, come on. You ditched me the moment Chris came on the phone! Also, we're friends again? Yeah, this is why I'm with Chris!
Liquid: Yeah, and not to mention that he is fat and ugly.
Chris: [BOOM! 'TARD RAGE!] I AM NOT FAT, GODDAMMIT!!!
Liquid: Yeah, you are! You look like you weigh a good 220 pounds.
Chris: I do not weigh 220 pounds! I weigh less— I weigh a lot less than that, you— You weak little son of a bitch!
Liquid: Fuck that, you probably weigh about 300...[Liquid continues to talk smack over Chris, but he is almost impossible to hear.]
Kacey: Like you would know...
Chris: I am so sick of you putting me down and— And calling me all these insults to my face! AND MY NAME IS TRULY CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER!!! I'm so sick of you pretending to be me and pretending to have all the rights to everything of mine...
Kacey: Why would he want to pretend to be you? He's obviously better!
Chris: What the hell have you got— Have you had against me that— What the hell have you had against me that was like— That came up even before the year 2000? What the hell, Chris? You tell me right now!
Liquid: No, you don't. I have the copyright— I have the copyright and you do not.
Chris: Oh, yes— Oh, yes I do! Your copyright is a forgery! But anyway! All this— All this you've been doing to me, what the hell? Why have— Why have you started doing this in the first place, you little son of a bitch?
Liquid: Ugh. I told you, I have not started doing anything, you did everything, Mr. Ian Brandon Anderson, when you decided...
Chris: [EXPLODING WITH HALF-COHERENT RAGE] MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER, AND I'LL THANK YOU TO CALL ME THAT!!!
Kacey: Hey! Don't talk to my boyfriend like that! And don't curse around me! Come on!
Liquid: Ha! I called you something, MY name is Christian Weston Chandler, and it has been my— My— Has been my God-given name my entire life!
Chris: Fine! Your name is Christian Weston Chandler, my name is Christian Weston Chandler, both Christian Weston Chandler...
Liquid:No it's— It's not! [unintelligible]
Chris: ...but don't go claiming copyright to my Sonichu! You...
Liquid: No!
Kacey: He's got the copyright, you can't fake that. It's direct from the government.
Liquid: That has always been mine. Sonichu has been mine— Sonichu has been mine ever since I came up with him in the wilds of Manchester High School.
Kacey: That's why he showed it first, to prove it...
Chris: You've never been to Manchester High School!
Liquid: Yeah, I have! I went there for four— For four damn years!
Chris: You— But you— You stand right next... I tell you what. You stand right next to me in front of Mrs. Lori Jones, that was the— Was the— One of the teachers over at Manchester High School...
Liquid: I am the real and true...
Kacey: Chris, stop yelling at my boyfriend! Be respectful!
Chris: [Talking over both Kacey and Liquid now] Or even from Mr. Pascarelli, who was the principal there! Go up right in front of him, and he would say I am the real Christian Weston Chandler and that you are the fake!
Liquid: That's it— No, she will point at you and say, "Oh yeah, who's this?" And I will say "That— This, my teacher, is Ian Brandon Anderson."
Kacey: That— Thanks for ignoring me, this is exactly why I'm going back to Chris. This is retarded. Just like you.
Chris: [stress sigh, pause] Oh, Jesus. Look, Kacey, I'm sorry, but he had to get— But he— He just came in and...came against me...
Liquid: Oh, gimme a break! Oh, gimme a break! You have been lying this whole time...
Chris: YOU SHUT UP!!! YOU SHUT UP!!! You've been nothing but a pain in my— Pain in my side. You've been nothing but a pain in the friendship to— Relationship between me and Kacey.
Liquid: Yeah, well— Yeah, no, you would not even— You wouldn't have access to her if it— If it was not for me, because if you hadn't been copying me this whole time, you would never even have been...
Chris: I HAVE NOT BEEN COPYING YOU, YOU HAVE BEEN COPYING ME!!!
Kacey: God! How naïve! What relationship?
Liquid: This is not even true, it has— Not even true. You are a liar and a fraud! You naïve bastard!
Chris: No! You are the liar, you are the fraud. I am so sick of you putting me— Of you calling me all that— When you know, and I know, and everybody in the whole world knows that you have been the impostor...
Kacey: Stop it! You see? What am I supposed to do?
Liquid: No! No!
Kacey: You see, he's at least defending me. All you're doing is arguing with him! Who do I think wants me more? Obviously, Chris does.
Chris: [massive sigh]
Liquid: You know I love you, baby. Yeah— Yeah, you come to who loves you.
Chris: Okay, uh— Okay, well, I'm sorry...
Liquid: You never even had a chance, Mr. Ian Brandon Anderson! You make me...
Chris: MY NAME— MY NAME IS— NO, NO, NO!!!
Liquid: No, I already know— I have found out who you are.
Kacey: See? Look! You're getting so worked up over stupid shit! Why would I want to be with someone that naïve?
Chris: I am so sick of that word!
Kacey: It's just a word. It's just a word!
Liquid: You are na— You are naïve! And if I ever found you, I would say it straight to your face!
Chris: [drowning out Liquid] You can find me right now! I live at 14 Branchland Court in Ruckersville, Virginia! Just— Just over a hundred miles away from Kacey! You go— Look it up...
Liquid: You are just copying my address...
Kacey: Why would he want to leave here? Because he'll at least come to me, so why would he want to leave?
Liquid: You are just copying my address, you know that's my address!
Kacey: In fact, you'll just shoot him!
Chris: If I knew where— If I knew where Kacey lived, I'd come over there. I would be over there straight as a pistol, quick as a pistol.
Kacey: Yeah, right.
Liquid: Oh yeah, speaking of the pistol, Kacey showed me the comic, where you supposedly shot me! Yeah, and I am gonna take that to the police, because that is conspiracy to commit murder and that is a felony!
Chris: Well, who are they gonna believe? You are not the— You are not Christian Weston— You are not me! You are not...
Kacey: Yes, he is! He is Christian Weston Chandler! When are you gonna stop being an idiot?
Chris: Okay, well, I'm sorry. I mean, yeah, you are Christian Weston Chandler, but you are not THE Christian Weston Chandler that went to Manchester High School!
Kacey: Stop being crazy!
Liquid: Yes, I am! Yes, I am! I have been the entire time!
Chris: No, you are not!
Liquid: And, not only that...
Chris: YOU KNOW WHAT? GO AHEAD!!! Go ahead and take it to the police.
Liquid: I will.
Chris: And then we can have the police identify between you and me and find out who was the real Christian Weston Chandler...
Liquid: I'm sure they will be happy to...
Chris: ...who has the actual life, who has the autism, who created Sonichu in the first place! I dare you to go to the police!
Liquid: I created Sonichu in the first place and you know that! You're trying to— You're trying to get off on my...
Kacey: Okay, what about me? What about me? I know you don't have autism papers. You cannot. You wouldn't even show me. You don't act like an autistic, for one. I mean, come on, I'm in the medical field, I've worked with them.
Chris: I have...
Kacey: For one, they're usually really smart. Number two, they're not really this narcissistic. I mean, there's— I can go on and on. I mean, you're not even caring that I'm here! You're not fighting for me! You know what? Fuck you! GOD!!! You're, like, bipolar, not autistic.
Chris: I do have the papers! My family has the papers!
Liquid: No, you don't. Yeah, if you have them, you would scan them and put them on the Internets.
Kacey: They're probably fake, just like your driver's license, just like everything else.
Chris: [angry sigh] Look. Christian.
Liquid: Yeah?
Chris: Christian. I invite you to come— I invite you to— Write this down. 14 Branchland Court...
Kacey: No! Why, so you can shoot my boyfriend?
Liquid: That is my address! That is my dang address! And you're just copying it! You're just a little copy...
Chris: No, that is— That is my address. You— You— You have never even been...
Liquid: No, you're just... You already know that that is my address and you're trying to impersonate me, so you are...
Kacey: Chris, don't even listen to him, because you can stay here with me.
Chris: [sigh] Look. Look. Christian. Listen to me. You claim this is your address, but you have never been anywhere near it. I dare you to actually come to this actual address...
Kacey: How do you know? Are you tracking him, are you stalking him?
Liquid: I am there right now!
Chris: No, you are not. 14 Branchland Court, Ruckersville, Virginia, 22968!
Liquid: [Chants the last digits of the zip code with him] Yeah. I know that. That is my address.
Chris: You are not— You are— You are not in that address!
Liquid: Yes, I am!
Chris: There is no way that that address is over there in D.C. It's right here! Where I'm standing!
Liquid: Ugh! I am not interested. How many times do I have to get that through your stupid skull? You are so stupid! I am in Ruckersville, Virginia!
Chris: Kacey, Kacey...
Liquid: I have been in Ruckersville, Virginia, for a very long time now!
Kacey: What?
Chris: Wait a minute— Okay, hold it— Stop, stop. Okay, Kacey, are you both really at a 14 Branchland Court?
Kacey: Does it matter? Why are you talking to me now? You've been ignoring me the whole time and now you're talking to me? I mean, and shit, you're finally talking to me and you're not even fighting for me. Fuck this. He's at my place. I already said that.
Liquid: Yeah, yeah... No, you listen— You listen— You listen— Hey, you listen to me!
Chris: He's at your place, but it's not 14 Branchland Court, is it?
Kacey: I don't live there, of course not! The hell? That's where he lives, not me.
Chris: Right.
Liquid: Ugh, ugh! I am telling you right now, I am— I am telling you, this— This accusation of— Of shooting me is really gonna go far. Because I saw that— It is nothing more than firearm pornography. Yeah, yeah, I— It just made me so scared for my life, because of some stalker named Ian Brandon Anderson coming after me...
Chris: MY NAME— I AM CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER!!! When are you going to... I mean, Kacey has been to your house, and I know that your house is not 14 Branchland Court.
Liquid: It is! Yes, it is!
Chris: It is not!
Liquid: It is!
Chris: Kacey...
Liquid: Yeah, and she has been to my house...
Chris: Kacey, if you have...
Liquid: ...and we were making passionate love to each other!
Chris: But it is not 14 Branchland Court.
Liquid: Yes, it is! And that is where— Exactly where we were making passionate love.
Kacey: Chris, you don't even care about me, do you? You don't care about me, because you... You, you're more worried about being Ian Brandon Anderson than the fact that I'm right here!
Chris: Ah, Jesus, Kacey... Yeah, okay...
Kacey: This is why Chris is here and you're not.
Chris: No, Kacey, please...
Kacey: This is why my family loves him and not you.
Liquid: [First part of sentence is drowned out]...that he is Ian Brandon Anderson, he is a psychopath! He's not sane!
Chris: No, no, Kacey...
Kacey: I think I'm starting to realize that. I mean, you're delusional!
Chris: No, no, Kacey, you know it— You know it— You know that I'm true, please— Believe— Please, Kacey, don't do— Don't do this...
Liquid: No, he is not true! He is a liar and a fraud, he...
Kacey: What about everything you said? You compared my grandma dying to your dog dying. I've had dogs die before, too. Not anything like Grandma dying. You know, just saying.
Liquid: And I would never be that disrespectful, because I am the real, loyal...
Chris: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry about that lousy— Okay, I'm sorry about that comparison, Kacey.
Liquid: Oh yeah, just shut up, you're not going to make it up this time. You are— You have always just been this naïve, because that's all— That's all you've ever been, just a...
Kacey: [Drowns out Liquid] And you pissed off my family. I mean, my family hates you.
Chris: [sigh] Okay, well...
Liquid: Just shut up.
Kacey: My dad gave Chris his blessing, not you.
Liquid: Yeah, I am the only one deserving of the blessing, because I have proven myself worthy of it.
Chris: Okay, okay, okay— Well, you can have— Okay, that's fine, you can have Kacey...
Liquid: Okay, yeah— Shut up! Yeah!
Chris: ...but you— But you— But I say— You know— But you know it, and I know it, that you are not all that, and I am the original Christian Weston Chandler— I am Christian Weston Chandler, I created everything there!
Liquid: [Much of his statement is drowned out.]...original copyright on the Sonichu!
Chris: No, you do not!
Liquid: It has always been mine, and I am going to turn it into a real franchise!
Chris: No, you— No, you are not! You are not! I am— I am. You are not! I am!
Liquid: You are not— You're just a nobody!
Chris: You're— You're just a— You're— No, you're the— No, you're the nobody, you're the copycat!
Liquid: Sure, you're just a nobody, you don't have the real TRUE and HONEST fanbase.
Chris: [about to cry] I am so sick of this! [sigh]
Liquid: Shut up.
Kacey: You don't even have the papers. Until you prove it, you have nothing.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Liquid: Yeah, you are just a worthless waste of life.
Chris: Oh! Geh— No, you are the worthless waste of life, Chris!
Liquid: No, you are!
Kacey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Liquid: I am doing something with my time, Mr. Anderson, except for just copying someone else.
Kacey: He has a job, he does things!
Chris: Okay, well, he has a job, but he's not— You know that he's not the original creator of Sonichu, you know he just...
Liquid: Yes, I am! I am!
Kacey: How do I know that anymore? You lie to me all the time! And I've watched him draw.
Liquid: I draw— I draw Sonichu for you all the time, Kacey.
Chris: He— He— But he does not have the same drawing style I's drew— I do— I showed you my— It was right there in front of you at the Fashion Square Mall!
Kacey: [Chris drowns out part of her reply.] I know, but I mean, I could draw it, too. I can... [sigh] It's not that important to me, anyways. Sonichu is some kids' thing.
Chris: [heavy sigh]
Liquid: It has always been my original hand-drawing style. It's the same kind that I used in the walls of Manchester High School.
Chris: You have never been to Manchester High School.
Liquid: Yes, I have!
Kacey: How do you know that? Unless you've been keeping tabs on him his whole life.
Chris: Because he has...
Liquid: Graduated class of 2000!
Chris: He's only prete— He's only pretending that— He's stealing me, he's stealing all that. He's just copying.
Kacey: Well, obviously you don't care about me, because you said he can have me, so, I mean, fuck you.
Chris: No, I— No, I do care about you, Kacey!
Liquid: No, you don't. Stop the charade, we already know you're a liar, Mr. Ian Brandon...
Kacey: The only thing that you care about is being Christian Weston Chandler. Thanks for showing me that you care about me! You lied to me this whole time!
Chris: [loud, angry sigh] No, I...
Liquid: Shut up.
Chris: [RAGE] I HAVE NOT BEEN LYING TO YOU, KACEY!!! GOD!!!
Liquid: Yeah, you have been! You've been lying to everyone on the Internet!
Chris: I have not been lying to anybody! [breaking down] I have been honest and true.
Liquid: You have not!
Chris: [stress sigh] Oh, hang on a second, guys...
Liquid: You are just a fraud! Your whole life is a fraud!
Chris: [He's talking to his parents.] The one in the brown stripes, who's taking Kacey?
Barbara: Well, good...
Chris: I want you to talk to him and tell him off, I'm sick of telling him off. He's still calling me that— God, Ian Brandon Anderson. [Talking to Kacey and Liquid again] You better still be there, because I'm going to have you talking to the real Robert Chandler in a second! [Back to his parents] Please, help me out here.
Bob: What the... Well, what's going on? You there?
Kacey: [pause] Hello?
Bob: Hello?
Kacey: Who is this?
Bob: Hello?
Kacey: Hello?
Bob: Who is this?
Kacey: Kacey.
Bob: This is Rob...[Static cuts him off] She ain't saying anything, Christian.
Kacey: Hello?
Chris: Kacey, please, just— Just lis— Just— That's my father, Robert Chandler...
Kacey: I know, I keep talking to him. He can't hear me.
Chris: Yes, he can hear you.
Bob: No, I can hear her...
Kacey: No, he keeps saying hello.
Bob: What? What do you want?
Chris: Right now, I just want him to— There, to talk to the— Tell that Chris off!
Bob: Well, right now it's midnight. What in the world do you want?
Chris: She don't want anything, talk!
Bob: She don't wanna talk, either. She can't talk or cat's got her tongue.
Chris: Kacey, please talk...[He's carrying on a faint conversation with Barbara in the background.]
Kacey: I'm sorry, I'm really confused. Like, one minute I'm talking to someone, and the next minute I'm not.
Barbara: Hold it right there. You don't have to listen to 'em, just hang up on the bitch!
Bob: [unintelligible]...don't answer!
Chris: I was— I was trying to get y'all to talk to that Chris over there, because he's over there with her right now!
Barbara: I don't care where they are, their— They might be lying to you!
Chris: He's still pretending to be me, with this address!
Barbara: Christian, just shut up and hang up on 'em! [unintelligible]...if you're upset! Don't ever answer the phone when they call!
Bob: Tell 'em go to bed(?)!
Chris: [sigh]
Barbara: That's your fault!
Chris: [sigh]
Liquid: Yeah, hiding behind daddy's skirt. That's what I thought.
Kacey: Yeah, I like how I'm a bitch.
Chris: Oh, Chris, shut the hell up. Kacey, I'm sorry, I'll talk to you later.
Liquid: Yeah, you're just— Yeah, I knew you would this entire time.
Chris: Just...SHUT UP!!! Talk to you later, Kacey, I love you. I do love you...
Liquid: No, shut up! Kacey, are you with me— Are you with me or are you with him?
Kacey: You! At least you're not calling me a bitch. Because I find that extremely disrespectful.
Chris: No, that was my mom. That was my mom who said that!
Liquid: Yeah, of course.
Kacey: Well, good. My family hates you, your family hates me.
Liquid: Are you with me, baby? Are you with me— Are we gonna get married?
Chris: Oh, shut up, Chris...
Kacey: Yeah. Let's go get married. Because I can't deal with this.
Chris: I can't deal with him still pretending to be me!
Liquid: Yeah, well, you are always the...
Kacey: He's not pretending to be you, he's better than you. Why would he pretend to be you?
Chris: He's prete— He's pretend— He's been a liar the whole time, you know it...
Liquid: You— You are just a less-worthy version of me!
Chris: I sh— I sh— I showed you the certificate and the diploma!
Liquid: Yeah, they're fake.
Chris: And the degree, Kacey!
Kacey: Whatever, I can't deal with this. You're calling everyone a liar when you're the biggest liar I know.
Chris: I am not the liar!
Kacey: And then you bring your parents on here. Your parents are going to insult me like that, what do you want me to do? What do you think I'm gonna do? That's crazy, that's insane.
Chris: I just don't— I just don't understand the situation! I was trying to get them to talk to that Chris! Trying to get them to talk...
Liquid: Kacey, are you officially broken up with him? Are you officially breaking up with him?
Kacey: I mean, you lied about McDonald's, jogging, video games, television. I mean, all that seems a lot more important than me, so I get it— Don't worry, I get it.
Liquid: Are you officially breaking up with him?
Chris: No, no, Kacey. You are important!
Kacey: No, I get it. Apparently, I'm not!
Chris: I was trying to pro— I was trying to protect you from that goddamn liar!
Liquid: Make it official, Kacey!
Kacey: Yeah, but your mom called me a bitch. You didn't even defend me! You were just like "talk to her, talk to her!" What was I supposed to say? That was embarrassing! That's how you want your parents to... That's the first time your parents met me! That's what you wanted? Good job.
Liquid: Are you officially broken up...?
Chris: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. [sigh] I was trying to get them to talk to the Chris! [sigh] Look, Christian Weston...
Kacey: No, you told them to talk to me! Why do you use your parents to defend you? My parents don't defend me.
Liquid: You gotta— You gotta tell me. Are you officially broken up with him?
Chris: [heavy sigh] Okay, now listen. Kacey, I'm sorry about it, I'm sorry about that misunderstanding, I'll talk to you later. And as for you, Christian Weston Chandler over there, I AM GOING TO FIND YOU AND I AM GOING TO HAVE YOU PROVEN AS THE LIAR!!! Good night. [Hangs up]
Kacey: Oh, fuck you.
Liquid: Baby...
Kacey: That's great, when I say "No, fuck you!" I can't believe... Oh my god, Barbara called me a bitch. Oh, oh my god! [laughs] We know how much you love it when people call me a bitch.
Liquid: Uh, yeah, I know, right? [unintelligible] That was great.
Kacey: OH...MY...GOD... That was the best call...ever. I can't believe we got Barbara and Bob.
Liquid: I can't believe we got half the stuff we got...
Kacey: Gecko, it was definitely a different voice that called me a bitch. That was definitely Barbara that said "Just hang up on the bitch!"
Liquid: Yup... Yup... Yup...
Kacey: Okay, so back to Mumble! [giggles]
Liquid: Alright.
[tape runs out]

⇐ Father Call

Kacey Phone Calls

Chris Chan gets chewed out by Kacey ⇒

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