Mumble 2
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Mumble 2 is the second Mumble chat that took place on 4 February 2009. More than an hour long.
This is a more organized Q&A type chat than Mumble 1. Questions from Clyde about sex in the comic and interesting tidbits about how Chris believes sex is the same as romance. This is pretty hard hitting, with stuff like how Chris is into fast food yet he's against tobacco. A lot of drama involving Clyde.
Summary
Notes
- Chris doesn't like Clyde because he stole his sweetheart.
- Audio cuts out for a minute before Chris says: "....HYMEN!" (You broke her hymen)
- Trolls claim Panda is with Clyde, Chris wants to hear her voice, they say she's busy
- 'She and I WERE very close'
- Chris didn't have 400 to 800 dollars to go and see Panda; claims he got this number from an airport website recommended by Miyamoto
- Insists on Sonichu being in Animal Crossing
- Doesn't want to talk about his deal with them
- Insists that he doesn't have to turn down his radio since his voice is louder (it is horribly loud in the mic)
- Panda gave Clyde all of the sites, etc.
- Sarah is going to be with Clyde, which Chris wants to deny
- These motherfuckers keep talking over each other
- Calls a troll's critique crap
- Bubbles must be aroused, she isn't wet all the time
- Bubbles is 90% water so does sperm just swim around forever? NO
- Clyde: This is a children's comic, why so much sex?
- Chris: It is romance. My best artwork is when they're making out 'romantic moments', drawn in protest to trolls. Shows that Rosechus have vaginas, not ducks.
- Admits to maybe going overboard
- Trolls try to reason with him about the ED article: There wouldn't be an article if he didn't react like he does.
- Trolls say that TV-Y7 means NO SEX but Chris points to romantic anime that have making out (cartoons are for kids, whatever the content).
- Trolls talk about Japan being less strict about those things
- Everyone gets to vote in CWCville, even if they're black'.
- Got his idea from Mary Poppins.
- Troll tries to give historical background about cough medicine putting kids to sleep. Chris insists it was the lullaby that put them to sleep.
- Discussion about Chris, 'gay message' sent by a troll
- He calls Clyde a scoundrel
- BELIEVE HIM HE IS STRAIGHT
- Chris tries to speak Mexican at 20:50
- Mexican speaks Mexican to him... he replies in Menglish
- 4-cent_garbage is located in Mexico
- Someone says that he needs to improve his Mexican
- Chris is against smoking, CWCville is smoke and alcohol free
- Rehash of why tobacky is bad, his position on it, alcohol=bar fights
- Chris's dad smoked and had several bypasses, has a pacemaker and has had heart attacks
- Mention of his hair cuttings for his fans
- Chris was doing math in his head, got in car crash.
- Chris has taken college level math. Took trigonometry.
- Trolls gang up on Clyde for stealing Panda
- Time will tell when Chris will make the money he would have in the Nintendo deal
- Trolls bash Clyde for his pot smoking
- Chris doesn't watch news because it's bad news =(
- Bashing of the Mexican
- Chris can type 30 to 100 WPM, but can't type and talk at the same time
- Chris says PSN is free though Clyde(?) points to the 1000 dollars Chris spent on PSN
- Chris has been typing for 15 minutes now and it is VERY loud
- Chris has been busy IRL therefore the comic release doesn't have a date
- Someone points to nudes on YouTube.
- He does not have it on the YouTube, but he isn't going to take it anymore.
- Claims some of the photos are photoshopped.
- Clyde offers help to take ED page down.
- Chris denies taking those pictures, doesn't want to talk about it, making him uncomfortable.
- Some of the pictures are real. When questioned which ones are fake, Chris can't answer.
- Chris hates Harry Potter because it was in competition with Pokemon!
- Chris is too stressed to read Vivian's book, but likes the cover though!
- Polly, who has been talking the whole time is confronted by Chris who thinks she is a guy. Polly is upset. Chris apologizes.
- Jimmy Hill has launched his Sonichu show
- More Mexican talk at 55:10
- Chris giggles and sighs happily when Cassie, another Mexican, compliments him and when she leaves he says 'Chiquita Bonita'
- Rabbichoso talk (Sonichu.info)
- Classic trolls are leaving Chris alone.
- Chris likes Steel Angel Kurumi (quote from Wikipedia: often classified as ecchi due to the focus on fanservice and panty shots)
- Chris claims to be very strong, could beat Clyde up. Says he would show Clyde a Hard Day's Night, and would give Clyde pain.
- ShinyMarshtomp makes an appearance? Likes Rabbichoso
- Chris likes to eat at Country Cookin (like Golden Corral)
- Chris likes to imagine his first time.
- Clyde says the first time is awful, Chris said it was because Clyde prematurely ejaculated
- Watch porn with naked women to cure your gay
- Guys sitting next to you = gay coming on to you
- Falsion has been in the chat room and is afraid he is gay
- A wild Snorlax appears
Transcript
Waiting for Chris
Polly: I can't wait to hear Chris! I'm a huge fan!
Clyde: Oh, goddamn these noodles are fantastic. Man, I wish I could eat like this everyday.
Troll: Have you eaten the rice balls?
Clyde: No, no, no. These are noodles. These are-
Troll: [Interrupts] Fan-fucking-tastic.
Clyde: Now they're all gone, it's fantastic, you know?
Troll: Sweetangie is Chris. Or, we think so.
Troll: Yeah, I don't think this is him.
Clyde: It's definitely not the real Chris.
Clyde: I'm disappointed there's so many impostors out there. Kinda my fault, but, you know, if it weren't- [unintelligible] -hard to come by.
Troll: His mic was working last time he was here, just fine.
Troll: He usually capitalizes his words, like in every sentence.
Troll: Yeah, I don't think this is- I don't think this is him.
Troll: Is it set to push to talk or something?
[Trolls talk over each other]
Clyde: It's called push to talk. Push to talk.
Troll: No, just have him set it to voice activity. It works so much better that way.
Jack: You guys are fucking idiots.
[Trolls talk over each other again]
Troll: You guys scared him off by being guys.
Troll: Yeah, you fucking jackasses. Nice going.
Troll: Was that even the real...?
Troll: Yes, that was the real Chris.
Troll: He's too much of a pussy to talk.
Troll: Yeah, cause you scared him, or some - No, or he's too stupid to be.
[Trolls Laugh]
Chris Arrives
Chris: [Chris arrives, with radio playing loudly.] Hello.
[Trolls all greet him.]
Chris: Yeah, now-
Troll: Why haven't you got your microphone working?
Chris: I don't know why my microphone [is] messed up.
Troll: I'm sorry, but we had an impostor here before.
Chris: No, I'm registered. I've got myself registered now. So, uh, hopefully-
Troll: That's probably why. It had to like, uh- calibrate.
Chris: Yeah. Well I calibrated now.
Clyde: So, Chris, have you seen Rabbichoso's, uh, oh it's fantastic.
Chris: I don't give a crap about your stupid pencil sketch.
[Audio cuts out]
Chris: Well for one thing, you stole my sweetheart!
[Cutout continues]
PandaHalo, Trip to Redmond and Animal Crossing
Chris: You broke her hymen!
Clyde: Look, I know it's a terrible mistake, but I plan to make it up to her. I'm getting married and uh- I'm doing the things I should do.
Chris: Oh and another thing, if she is really over there with you now, then put her on the mic. Please.
Jack: She's not- He never said-
Clyde: Look, Chris, she's very busy, ok. She's very busy.
Chris: Well-
Clyde: She's not over here right now. Okay? So lets drop it.
Chris: Alright, fine. Well could you tell her to please send me a message lettin' me know, for sure, so I can know- so I can know to-
Clyde: [Talks over Chris] I'll let her know whatever you want, but it's her life. She doesn't have to send you a message. You failed her. You failed her.
Chris: [Sigh] She and I were very close.
Clyde: If you we're so close, then why didn't you go?
Chris: [Sigh] Because I had- Aw, hang on a second. How do I- oh, that's right. This thing. Right. Mmm. Hold on a sec. Oh yeah, because I did not have four to eight hundred dollars!
Clyde: It doesn't cost that much to go cross-country man.
Chris: Yes it does. I know, I saw it on an airport website. Where I was be- Where I was- recommended to me by Mr. Miyamoto.
Clyde: You know, you can drive there. It's not that hard.
Troll: What happened with that? I thought, um, didn't you have a deal with them or something? I heard a rumor that your characters were going to be in Animal Crossing.
Chris: Well, they are in Animal Crossing. And I did- and I do- I did have a deal with them.
Troll: What happened though?
Chris: [Huge sigh] I'd rather not say.
Troll: Oh.
Chris's Radio, Clyde and Criticism
Troll: Chris, why don't you turn down the TV? It's hard to hear you.
Chris: [Annoyed sigh] I do not have a TV turned on in here.
Troll: I can hear it.
Chris: I have a radio.
Troll: I hear something in the background.
Chris: [Burping throughout sentence] Well that's the- that would b- the radio. And it is not that loud.
Troll: But it shows up pretty well on your microphone mic. With due respect.
Chris: But still, my voice is louder than the radio.
Troll: Ah goo- ahh given.
Polly: Uh, Chris? Uh, when are you going to do the new Sonichu comic?
Clyde: [Says something over Polly]
Chris: [Huge sigh] Uh, I'll answer Polly's question. I'm not sure. It's, uh, it's in progress right now, I'm drawing it up.
Polly: Oh, okay. I can't wait to read it!
Chris: Hmm. Well, we'll see.
Troll: Chris!
Troll: Listen, Clyde kind of has admin on here, so we can't really do anything about him. So, yeah. I don't know.
Clyde: [Hard to hear over Chris's radio] ...with you guys. I love you guys. Just as much as Chris loves you guys. Right?
Chris: [Huge sigh]
Clyde: Look, I was angry. I was angry. But I'm calm now.
Troll: Don't try to hurt any other person from now on.
Clyde: I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can.
Chris: Well, I have much- I do not have much to say in response to that right now. Because I'm ticked off.
Troll: Don't let him get to you.
Troll: You're no better than he is, if you give in.
Clyde: [unintelligible]
Chris: [Huge sigh]
Troll: Hey, Chris, I just wanted to let you know I'm a huge fan of the comics, and I'm glad you keep doing what you're doing. You're doing a great job, and just keep it up, alright man?
Chris: Yeah, yeah, I appreciate the, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? The, the, uh- well, the encouraging words. Encouragement. I appreciate the encouragement. Well, there are things, uh- I- er- current events I do not appreciate. I appreciate the positive encouragement.
Troll: Yeah, I can't really do anything. He took over the IRC channel. I used to be the owner. I mean Clyde. He's like taking over everything.
Clyde: Yeah, it was because Panda gave it to me, you know. But anyway, I mean, you can't just listen to encouragement, you've got to listen to criticism, man. Criticisms are what make you better, you learn from your mistakes. You learn from mistakes.
Chris: [Sigh]
Troll: Be right back guys, my wife is calling.
Polly: Oh, okay.
Clyde: I don't- I don't- Tons of people don't like the Rabbichoso art style, but you know, I gotta improve on that. That's something I plan to improve on. There's a lot of criticism in the death of Sonichu, right?
Chris: What? What did you just say?
Clyde: There's a lot of criticism of Sonichu. Right?
Chris: Oh. For a moment there I thought you said something different.
Clyde: What, what did you think I said? I'm just saying, there are people who like it and people who don't like it. You gotta start taking in those suggestions. You know?
Chris: Hmm. So many things that will be improved upon. But, I just have to hear from Sarah herself that she really is going to be with you, Clyde. I have to hear it from herself. It's one thing to hear it from you and then it's- then on that note, it's just I find it very hard to believe. So I have to hear it from her.
Troll: Yeah, I kinda think that Rabbichoso sucks. I mean, I think it could be funny, but it honestly looks like it's drawn by a kindergartener.
Chris: Yes.
Troll: I mean, Sonichu has evolved over the years. You can see that the art's getting better. Rabbichoso doesn't even look like something a beginner would do, honestly. I mean, [Interrupted]
Chris: A whole bunch of crap!
[Everyone starts talking at once]
Polly: Also, Sonichu is in color.
Clyde: I know, I accept his criticism. But you just called it crap! Now that's just rude.
Chris: Well, I have emotions going behind me- uh, behind that opinion.
Cassie
Cassie's Friend: Chris, did you get my message.
Chris: Uh...
Clyde: Aren't you going to be the gentleman, then? Aren't you gonna be the gentleman?
Cassie's Friend: I just want to ask you, Chris. I'm Cassie's friend. She- she's worried sick about you. Why haven't you emailed her?
Chris: I did email her! As a- I- I haven't gotten any re-plies from her. I have emailed her and I have instant messaged her on A.I.M. and Skype. I haven't heard back from her. I don't know what's going on there.
Cassie's Friend: ...you emailed her.
Chris: What?
Cassie's Friend: When was the last time you emailed her?
Chris: Uh, hang on, I'll check.
Polly: Um, Chris? I have a question. My fa- One of my favorite new characters is, um, Simonla, and like, I also like Zapina as well. Um, are they gonna have bigger parts in the series later on?
Chris: I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?
Polly: Um, I was wondering if Simonla and Zapina will either have bigger parts in the series later on.
Chris: Possibly. Possibly, but, uh, I can't say for sure. Oh, and, uh, to answer your question, uh- in answer to, uh, I believe, uh, Screwhead, who asked? It was about four days ago. About four days ago.
Cassie's Friend: Yeah. Four days ago? Okay, I'll tell her to check it out.
Chris: The last email I sent was about four days ago.
Troll: She'll contact you in a while, though.
Cassie's Friend: I'll tell her to check it out and- and thanks Chris.
Chris: Alright. Mm.
Bubbles's Pussy and Sex in the Comics
Troll: Hey, Chris? I have a question.
Chris: Yes?
Troll: Yeah, my favorite character is Bubbles, I kinda liked the, uh, the thing she had going with Blake, where she was kind of keeping the relationship secret. I thought that was kinda clever. I was wondering, uh, she's a water-type, so does that mean that her vagina is always wet, or does she have to be aroused like a normal woman?
Chris: Yeah, aroused. That's applied for all the, uh, Rosechus there. And also, like, you know, she's not just a water-type, she's also- she's a water- and electric-type, like uh- oh, shoot- What's the name of that one? Originated from Gold-Silver-Crystal series, uh, evolves from Chinchou? Lanturn. And she has, uh, she has Volt Absorb ability.
Troll: Oh, I see.
Troll: Uh, Chris, another question following Bubbles. Uh, her body is 90% water, and now this thing about the whole sexual intercourse - about it. Now, don't take this rude, and you don't need to answer me...
Chris: No, that's fine.
Troll: ...I totally respect your creative work. My wife actually got me into this, uh, show actually. So, what happens is- like, as you know, like, semens are like little fishes in themselves. Would that mean, I mean, would they actually have a route to fly into the egg, in theory, or do they just swim around her whole body, just forever just swimming around.
Chris: Hmm. The, uh, the internal or- the internal organs uh, for the Rosechus are pretty much the same thing, so I'd say pre- about, uh, as good chance as most any other mammal.
Troll: Oh, so you mean she's able to control her density a little bit more. She- I understand now. She's able to control more her density from the 90% water. Okay. That pretty much answers it just perfectly. That's been bothering me at work. [Laughs]
Chris: Okay.
Clyde: I got another question, Chris, about this whole sexual thing. I mean, this is a children's comic, right? Why is there so much sex in it?
Chris: Hmm. It's called romance, and my- and my- if you'll notice throughout the comics my best pieces of artwork among which were those where dey were kissing and making out. Romantic moments.
Clyde: There's a hidden page-
Chris: [Interrupting Clyde] And because- and because- and because of the tension from, uh, the trolls and Encyclopedia Dramatica, I just felt like doing that in protest against them.
Clyde: Yeah, but childre-
Jack [Interrupting Clyde] Yes but how is that really a protest? That, you know, you know, are, are you like referencing to the 60's when women burned their bras? That was in protes- That was feminism. Saying that they weren't slaves to men. Do you even understand the whole thing?
[Multiple voices are heard at once]
Chris: Now, to tell you the truth, I never really thought about, I never really thought about that when I-
Jack [Interrupting Chris] Then how is, stripping was, how was that protest-
Chris: [Interrupting Jack] It shows that they have vaginas and NOT dicks.
Jack Well you know the dick thing was the fact that they were just, you know, mocking you. I think you went overboard with that.
Chris: Well maybe I did. Maybe I did.
Jack: Yeah, you did, because that seems kind of excessive, kind of-
Troll: [Interrupts] I don't think they would have even bothered to write about an article about you if you didn't just keep reacting like that.
Chris justifies sex in a kids' comic
Troll: I have another question.
Troll: The point some of us are trying to make is, if it's TV-Y7 that means there should really be no sex in it at all.
Clyde: [unintelligible over other people]
Chris: That's pretty much incorrect, I mean, uh, there's so many romantic anime that's TV-Y7, and they shoul- they have making out.
Clyde: You know, a lot of things in Japan, Japan has stricter standards-not stricter, I mean looser guidelines than America. It's much different.
Chris: I hear ya.
Troll: Chris, I was just wondering what Bubbles, um, she has a, that water whirlwind attack, I was just curious if you had any plans to make-
Chris: [Butting in] By the way, that was a Whirl- Whirlpool.
Troll:Yeah, Whirlpool, sorry, sorry, Whirlpool, but do you have any plans to mix an, uh, Electric-type attack with that, since water conducts electricity, right? It could be a very powerful-
Chris: [interrupts] Yeah, she did, she did an electric attack amongst the- the walls of that Whirlpool and she let out. In case you didn't know, there's a- little bits of lightning bolts among which-
Troll: Oh, oh, I'm sor- I didn't notice that, I'm sorry, I'll go take another look. Thank you.
Max?: Hey Chris-
Chris: Yeah.
Max?: You make some pretty sweet Little Big Planet levels.
Chris: Thank you.
Chris on Benadryl babysitting
Clyde: Oh, there's a message from Cogs on the side, it's about, uh, do women not have the right to vote already in CWCville.
Chris: No, ervy- Everybody, no matter what age, no matter what gender or race, ervybody has the right to vote in CWCville. Even if they're black.
Clyde: Then what's up with the "Votes for Women" thing, I was-
Troll: Not just vote women, but- [interrupted] any other ethnicities, and gays?
Troll: I don't understand-
Chris: I did that- heard it in Mary Poppins.
Jack: What? Mary Poppins?
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: Aw, man, Mary Poppins?
Chris: Yeah, Mary Poppins.
Polly: I remember that movie.
Troll: Aw, yeah, that movie.
Chris: It's a classic. It's my favorite movie of all time.
Jack: Yeah, that movie was, like, based in the 1900s.
Chris: Yeah, but still I- still I agreed with that message there-
Clyde: Taken out of context, that makes it seem like CWCville's set in the 1960s.
Jack: What message? That children should be given cough medicine so they'll go to sleep?
Chris: What?
Jack: Yeah, that's what women used to do back in- That's what mothers, friggin' nurses and stuff used to do to kids in the 1900s, is give children, like, you know, cough medicine.
Clyde: [laughter]
Chris: Cause- cause the medicine- uh, correction, the medicine did not put them to sleep, there was a lullaby, not the cough medicine. They only had to take the cough medicine-
Jack: No cough medicine-
Chris: ...because it rained, before dere, and it was not, and it was to, uh-
Jack: Rain means cough medicine doesn't have anything to do with each other. That's not how friggin' germs are spread, or colds are gotten. Colds are gotten through germs, not the rain.
Troll: How is cough medicine any different from today's parents that just let their kids watch TV until they fall asleep? I mean, it's just as bad.
Jack: Well- Cough medicine has a lot to do with the psychological effects of it. Obviously if you get- if you keep giving fre-
Troll: Thanks, Samantha, that was delicious.
Jack: What?
Troll: It's my, uh, Samantha-
Polly: Yeah, that's we're all saying, cause I've heard that there's a lot of different chemicals in cough medicine. You could pick up a [unintelligible]
Jack: I don't even take cough medicine, because I'm not a pussy.
Troll: Uh, so.
Troll: Chris!
Chris: Anyway, I never put any references, I never did any references or plan any references to cough medicine or anything of that sort.
Cassie's Friend: Well, Chris, Cassie says the last e-mail she got from you was on the 17th. How 'bout your being gay? Is that true?
Chris: [sigh] That wa- That was somebody had- That was Clyde hacking through my e-mail and spammed that to my contacts.
Clyde: Yeah, I definitely did not do that-
Jack: You're a scoundrel-
Chris: -a slanderous lie.
Clyde: I did not do that.
Troll: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Wow. Well, thanks for that. She was worried that you were- that you don't like her.
Jack: You're a scoundrel, Clyde.
Clyde: I didn't do that. That was someone else.
Polly: I was wondering, because I've heard other news too, I was really hoping that you weren't gay.
Chris: Believe me, I'm straight.
Polly: Oh, okay. I'll take your word for it.
Chris: Thank you. And, uh-
Clyde: Cogs- Cogs got a way- she showed us that, okay? I mean, you only [unintelligible]
Chris's fail-riffic Spanish
Troll: So, Chris.
(Trolls talk over each other)
Troll: Cassie didn't get your last e-mail.
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Troll: Cassie didn't get your last e-mail.
Troll: Yeah, Screwhead's from Mexico. I heard you like Spanish, so.
Troll: Hola, Chris.
Troll: You know Spanish, right?
Chris: Sí. Conoso Mexico. Tomé dos años [unclear] mi escuela secundaria. (Yes, I know Mexico. I took two years [in, possibly] my secondary school.)
Troll: Has venido en Mexico? (Have you come to Mexico?)
Chris: Uh, lo siento? (Uh, I'm sorry?)
Troll: Has estado en Mexico? (Have you been to Mexico?)
Chris: Estoy Mexico? No. (I am Mexico? No.)
Troll: [slowly] Has estado, um, in Mexico. Has venir? (Have you been to Mexico? Have gone?)
Chris: Oh. Uh, no, I hav- no, no tengo pansars. [sic] (no, I don't have pansars (?))
Troll: What?
Chris: Uh, I think, uh, I think I meant to say- I'm pretty sure-
Jack: Did you just say you don't wear pants?
Chris: Uh, no, I was trying to say, ah, I don't have plans to go in Mexico at the moment.
Troll: Oh, okay.
Polly: Oh, I see.
Chris: That's what I understood what he was saying there.
Jack: Chris, did you know that, that 4-cent garbage website is located in Mexico?
Chris: Huh.
Jack: That's why-
Troll: Yeah, that's why they can't get it shut down.
Chris: Mm.
Troll: [unintelligible] borders, plus it's cheaper to run sites over there; they have, like, several servers.
Chris: Hm.
Troll: Chris. Cassie wanted to talk to you, but she couldn't make it here, well, and, she wants to be your Spanish teacher, because she says that you've got room to improve your Spanish.
Chris: Oh. Oh, that Cassie. Yeah, I'm sorry, I thought you were- I got mixed up. Um... Yeah, um, I'm sorry, I, uh, I haven't talked to that- I haven't talked to Cassie in a while, but I've been mostly talking to, uh, her gal- her, uh, gal-pal and I'm sure- I'm sure she'd tell you a lot about her...
In which the trolls discuss bar fights
Troll: Hey Chris, how- how does Sonichu keep Rosechu from spending more than a hundred dollars at the mall? I've always wondered how he could manage to do that. I've always had problems with that myself.
Chris: That wa- That time at the mall, it was, uh, Kel loaned the credit card. And it's like, yeah- she gave- she gave Sonichu the responsibility of that credit card. She did.
Troll: [unintelligible]
Clyde: Now, I've always given my advice on cannabis, you should do the [unintelligible], Cogs Chris, but I think she wants your response.
Jack: Chris, one of my friends sent me this picture, and I think you might find it kinda disturbing just because they say it's proof that you're gay.
Chris: Aw yeah, I saw that, that's just a crappy Photoshop.
Jack: No, that one doesn't- this one doesn't look Photoshopped at all.
Chris: Uh, I'm not gonna look at it.
Jack: Oh, you're not? Oh.
Troll: Chris, uh, you say you're against smoking?
Chris: Yeah. As a matter of fact, CWCville is a smoke-free, non-alcoholic city.
Jack: [partially drowned out] That's what we call a totalitarian state...
Troll: Oh, and, uh, in the pilot episode with Seth McFarlane, of, you know, Family Guy? He's always smoking. What do you think about that?
Clyde: Go smoke.
Troll: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, I just- I just take that with a grain of salt, and, uh, you know, that's what--
Troll: I mean, if he can smoke, why can't anyone else? I mean, it's-
Chris: Because it causes cancer!
Jack: So does a lot of things.
Polly: It could be a prop pipe.
Chris: In any case, I'm not- in any, in any case I've never done it and I never will.
Troll: Yeah, but eating too much fast food can give you a heart attack. I mean... so many things are deadly for you.
Jack: What about fast food, Chris?
Chris: My father used to smoke and he went through a whole bunch of heart attacks. He suffered three-
Jack: [Interrupts] Well, I think that might have to do more with his weight.
Chris: He suffered through three or four triple bypasses.
Cassie's Friend:Chris, I think that's.. that's more like a weight issue.
Chris: He has a pacemaker!
Troll: Chris, eh...
Troll: Hey ya guys, leave him alone. Ya know, my granddad, he smoked most of his life. He quit for 25 years and still died of lung cancer. I mean that's just the way it is. And your body never gets rid of it.
Jack: Well yeah.
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: Chris, what about [pause] Chris, what about fast food? That's- that's bad for you.
Cassie's Friend: Hey Chris. Chris, could you do me a favor and send an email to Cassie? She's very worried about you.
Chris: Oh. Yeah sure, I'll send her an email later.
Cassie's Friend: Okay, thanks.
Clyde: Well, I've got uh, a certain someone you know-
Chris: No no.
Clyde: -she has to, uh, she wants to ask you w-
Cassie's Friend: Also, she said something about some hair.
Chris: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's uh... that's another issue right there. Um, hmmm. I'll talk to her about that.
Troll: Chris, does, uh, drinking cause cancer?
Chris: No, but it causes liver dysfunction and likely bar fights and automobile accidents.
Jack: Wait, bar fights, but—
Chris: Bar fights!
Jack: -but I don't think that bar fights are that big of a problem.
Troll: I think bar fights are awesome.
[People agree bar fights are awesome]
Cassie's Friend: But bar fights are bad. I got into a bar fight once and one of my hands got cut and two fingers from my left hand. Bar fights suck.
Polly: [Unintelligible]
Jack: Well, I think that might be more because you're Mexican. Are you sure you didn't lose them picking bo- picking grapes and- or something?
Cassie's Friend: No, Mexican people are more more- more much macho man; we get into bigger fights. We're more awesome.
Jack: No- I think it might be because you got your hands stuck in some machinery when you were out picking in the vineyards.
Troll: I don't know about you guys, but I like- I like having bar fights.
[Trolls talk over each other]
Chris Crashes Due To Math
Clyde: You don't have to be drunk to be in a bar fight or in an automobile accident, right?
Chris: Yeah, but they increase the likeliness of it.
Clyde: You've been in an autobile— automobile accident, I mean, were you drunk?
Chris: No, I was distracted.
Jack: Uh, by what? I mean, it's kinda hard to be dist— you gotta be focused on driving man-
Chris: I was doing math in my head.
Jack: Wait, math in your—
[Trolls talk over each other]
Chris: My mind got distracted by being its own calculator.
Falsion: Are you good at math?
Polly: [unclear] Is that for school?
Jack: Are you some kind of savant?
Troll: That's impossible.
Chris: What?
Falsion: Guys, you're getting [unclear]
Troll: Chris, are you like a mathematic genius or something?
(pause)
Cassie's Friend: You know some artist people have like superpowers in their head. They can do like geniuses and add really well. [interrupted briefly by Jack saying something else about savant] Chris you are already an artist. Do you have any like, magical powers?
Troll: Yeah, I heard autistic people are really good at math.
Chris: Mm. Well not all the stereo- some of that sounds like stereotypes.
Troll: [speaking over Chris] ...it has to do with mental ability; I mean, what's the...
Chris: I mean I don't know - I mean I'm not saying that I'm a total genius. I mean I know- I know enough to get by.
Clyde: What's the highest level of math you've taken Chris?
(pause)
Chris: College level.
Clyde: No I mean like algebra, or calculus or...?
(pause)
Chris: Yeah. I believe I just did trigonometry.
Clyde: Very impressive.
(long pause)
Troll: So I was wondering. When did you get the CAD degree? I figured it's like a fine arts degree or something? I mean wha-
Chris: [interrupting] I designed a whole- I designed buildings and machinery and such along there. I designed the whole CWCVille shopping center.
Jack: Why don't you have a job then?
Clyde: Your fans would love to see that Chris.
Max?: So Chris-
Troll: [interrupting] -I mean use that to design like, actual buildings?
Chris: I think i just told you i designed the CWCVille sho-
Troll: [interrupting] I don't mean in your comic. I'm just saying-
[Audio cuts]
Clyde Isn't Popular And Chris Should Program
Chris: Well it's a good st-
Troll: Chris...
Chris: Yeah?
Jack: So I heard you got some nudes up there on Youtube.
Chris: Uh, I'll be putting an update on da Youtube soon, but not right now.
Troll: I'm just thinking maybe you could like, you know, get a degree in game design and make the Sonichu game?
Clyde: Yeah man, it's not that hard to learn programming. C++ man.
Falsion:' Clyde, he hates you, why are you talking?
Clyde: I'm just giving him some advice, I mean C++ is-
Jack: [interrupting] Why are you here? We don't like you. You totally ruined Chris's life.
Clyde: I didn't ruin his life. He ruined his own life.
Troll: Yes you did. You've ruined his life. You raped his girlfriend.
[Everyone in the mumble speaks at once over each other]
Clyde:If he was the man he said he was, he'd have gone to Nintendo, made all that money. How- how are you going to make money now Chris?
Chris: Time will tell.
[Everyone speaks again]
Troll:Yeah, time will tell Clyde.
Clyde:[unclear] -need a plan, you know?
Troll: I'm just thinking uh, if- uh- would you be interested in getting a degree in game design. Making the game or something? Like if you had to?
Chris: Hm. Maybe but uh- I still have things to sort out in my real life.
Troll: Yeah it's kinda unfortunate what happened with the Nintendo thing.
Chris: Yeah - hang on a second, I'll be right back. Mm- [clattering]
Clyde: So be honest guys am I really that much of a bother. I mean...
Jack: Yeah you kind of are.
Troll: You're like a total dickfart.
Clyde: [muffled]
Troll: You realize weed causes cancer?
Jack:Yeah.
Troll: I didn't know that.
Jack: And it causes the munchies. You're gonna get fat, Clyde.
Clyde: It's okay, man, because I work out.
Jack: Do you play Guitar Hero standing up?
Clyde: I play Guitar Hero while on the treadmill.
Polly:Will the Sonichu game be a- [muffled] -or a Wii one?
Jack:It be a Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Wii would like to play.
Polly: Oh. I only got a DS.
Cassie's Friend: Chris, I heard you are very good at HTML. Why don't you make a HTML Sonichu game? That would be awesome.
Troll: I don't think you can make a game in HTML.
Chris: A- anyway I came back...
Jack: Chris? How many courses did you have to take to get that degree in CAD?
Troll: -pretty sure you can make a game in HTML-
Chris: [speaking over] I'm took abo- took about two- took about two years to four years.
Clyde: I mean, if you can write HTML you can write C++, make your own games. Pretty simple man.
Chris: Hm. Well it's something I'll consider.
Troll: Clyde why are you talking to him? He hates you.
Clyde: I'm trying to give him some suggestions. I'm not insulting him, ok?
Troll: HTML seems kinda outdated, so to speak.
Chris:I learn- I took two HTML classes so at least I know how to do- at least I know the ins and outs when it comes to like, workin' on it in the raw data- in the notepad.
Cassie's Friend: So you don't use Dreamweaver?
Chris: [interrupting] I also use Net- also use Netscape composer.
[Someone starts singing 'Dreamweaver']
Troll: I heard they went bankrupt or something.
Chris: I don't- i don- i don't listen to news because I don't care about bad news.
Troll: But that's not bad news that's just safety...
[Talking over each other]
Jack: Why you gotta bring this bad vibe in here?
Troll: Ok ok I'll chill, I'm sorry it's just my wife- [can't hear over Chris typing extremely loud]
Cassie's Friend: Chris you don't hear about these ones in a while. Like yesterday some guy in my town got run over by a train and he- he died. And that's a really bad thing, you know but you have to hear about it.
Jack: Yeah but that's because you're Mexican. You Mexicans always play around the train tracks, what's with you?
(pause)
Clyde: No come on, don't be racist.
Cassie's Friend:It's because Mexicans are stupid. I'm suprised I can use a computer.
Polly: [muffled] CrassCrab why do you have to be so mean?
Jack: 'Cause my mother was raped by a Mexican. And I'm part Me- [muffled]
Troll: I'm sorry man.
Polly: That isn't fair to take it out on every other Mexican out there.
Troll: His rule applied to millions. Just ignore him.
Jack: No I'm not my mother was raped by Mexicans.
Clyde: CrassCrab I'm tired of listening to you, get out of here.
Cassie's Friend: Not all Mexicans are like that we- we- I am as Mexican guy. Not all Mexican guys are- [drowned out by typing]
Troll: Don't get me started on them. But that will be another day. Cause I'm sick of hearing bad news.
Chris Types Fast (And Hates Hex-Box)
Troll: So Chris what are you uh- typing there?
Chris: Uh, I'm typing a email.
Troll: How many words can you type? How fast can you type? Sounding fast there.
Chris: Uhhh say about uh- sorta between thirty and a hundred.
Clyde: That's quite a good range man.
Troll: You're like "The Flash", minus the red jump-suit.
Polly: Oh Chris um- I was wondering- [unclear] -would it be uh a Wii game or a DS game or both. I only own DS and I don't have any money for a Wii.
Chris: [overlapping] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wii, DS and Pla- hopefully uh- possibly uh, Playstation 2 or 3. Never on Hex-Box.
Troll: When you gonna do this shit?
Cassie's Friend: Why don't you like the Hex-Box? I mean I have an Xbox, I would love to play online with you.
Troll: I'd like to say this. Before Chris says anything about that I just wanna say that today my wife came home from the mall shopping for her usual clothes, that Gucci purse i had to buy for her. You know what she came home with? I wanted a PS3 but you know what she gave me was a frickin' Xbox 360. The Elite one? [someone speaks over] I know, I kept telling her like "Honey this isn't what I wanted. I wanted the Playstation 3 so I can play LittleBigPlanet, Metal Gear Solid and Sonic Unleashed"
Chris: You can put Sonic Unleashed on the Hex Box as well as Wii.
Polly: [Too whiny to make out]
Troll: So Nintendo just- rejected your offer? Cause I- I heard a rumor that there was going to be a Sonichu game or something.
Cassie's Friend: Chris uh. Cassie wants you to send her your Wii number so she can talk to you on the Wii.
Chris: Alright uhhhhh. I'll get- have to get my Wii number now.
Cassie's Friend: Send it to her in an email please.
Troll: Yeah they completely hate Sony. And they hate Microsoft as well. I mean this guy, Reggie? He always talks about kicking their ass and stuff. He's kinda crazy.
Polly: I know. Reggie's very mean he never brought out [something] to America.
Troll: Yeah i wanted to play that game.
Clyde: [talked over] -I'm tellin' you guys. Reggie's just a great [unclear]
Polly: Like what?
Clyde: I can- I can't say anything ok but... you'll see.
Max?: So Chris.
Troll: Yeah so I don't think like if you got the deal with Nintendo I don't think they'd put it on like mu- like anyhting else but the Wii or DS. Yeah, cause that Reggie guy he frickin' hates Sony. And Microsoft.
Jack:Wasn't he also the head of VH1?
Polly: Or Pizza Hut.
Troll: Chris. What are your favorite places to eat at?
Polly: I remember um he [unclear] -but before that he was with Sega when Dreamcast was out.
Chris: Yup. Let me type this email please. I mean y'all keep talking I'll jsut listen.
Clyde: There's no reason to hate the Xbox. Let's be honest.
(pause)
Polly: Or um- Chris um- do you wanna release your game on Nintendo and on Sony. If you do talk to somebody like EA or something, you can like do um- multi-console thing like a (?) party thing.
Chris: [busy typing] Hmm. Well it's all to think about.
Polly: I mean Sega does third party now so um-
Chris: Yeah well I'm gonna keep typing this email here. Y'all keep talking.
[Sound of Chris typing]
Clyde: It's true, it's true.
Cassie's Friend: Chris. Chris I wanted to tell you that Cassie's going to be here any- any second so you can talk to her.
Chris: Oh. Hm. [continues typing]
Cassie's Friend: Don't you care about her?
Chris:[annoyed] I'm typin' da email to her right now!
Cassie's Friend: Oh ok.
Polly: Yeah um 360 is pretty bad um- it red-rings all the time.
Max?:I've had mine over two years. The same one. And it has not red-ringed yet.
Jack: Dude you have to pay $50 just so you can play online.
Chris: [echoing] Yeah. Yeah.
Jack: Yeah it's bullshit.
Chris: Yeah it's totally free on Playstation. And Wii.
Clyde: Chris. Chris. No, no, no, no, I gotta talk about this. (long pause) Chris...
Chris: [interrupting] I get less connection problems myself.
Clyde: I can't let you get away with this Chris. You spent over $1000 on the Playstation Network. Ok? And you say you can't afford $50 for the Xbox? Terrible reason. That's a terrible reason.
Polly: Also, um, Cogs I had a friend of mine whose red-ringed a lot of times. She did not like it at all. She got herself a PS3 instead.
[Chris is STILL typing]
Jack: I heard that like- the PS triple eats up a lot of energy and like- has like- burned houses down. Cause it messes up the- no but the PS3 really-
[More of Chris typing then audio cuts out]
Clyde:So when's the next comic coming out Chris?
Chris: I can't say. I don't have a date for it right now. I've been busy with the- with real life and such. You know getting the s- getting the website back up and all that.
Polly: Oh but I've been waiting so long.
Clyde: Look, I gotta tell you something Chris. [unclear] -to the trolls but I haven't done anythin myself. It's run off into splinter groups doin' stuff to you. Ever since the Panda thing, I haven't done anything to you man. Everybody's been running round doing things. I have no control anymore. So I'm back here. This is why I'm back here. Do you understand?
Chris: Yeah. I hear you.
Nudes On Youtube
Max?: Chris.
Chris: Yeah?
Max?: So I hear you got some uh- nudes up there on Youtube.
Chris: What?
Max?:Hear you got some nudes on Youtube.
Chris: [unclear]
Max?: NUDES!
Chris: That's what I thought- I have nothing na- I have nothing like that on the nu- on the Youtube. I've nothing like that.
Troll: Oh someone posted the pics form the ED page.
Chris: They're just tryin' ta get on- they're just tryin' ta get on my nerves again. But I'm not gonna let 'em.
Troll: Did you take those pictures or what? Where'd they come from?
Polly: Uh, are they Photoshopped?
Chris: Yeah most of- Yes. Most of them are Photoshopped.
Clyde: Chris I can help you with ED. Chris I can help you with ED.
Chris: Mm. Yeah.
Troll: You can see the neck and the body doesn't quite match up.
Cassie's Friend: Okay, Chris. Cassie's just arrived. She's a little nervous about talking to you, but she's gonna talk to you soon. Is that ok?
Chris: Yeah that's fine.
Clyde: I just got one quick comment. The ED people were in contact with me, but I've lost contact with them. But I know you can delete that page permanently. I'm tryin' to help you man. You can get that page down forever. Even the entire site.
Troll: What, after you raped uhm- Sarah?
Clyde: Look, I'm trying to make amends. So let me do my business. All right?
Troll: It's too late to make amends. Look what you did.
Clyde: [unclear]
Troll: Chris.
Chris: Yeah?
Troll: Um. Cogsdev said she had a look at the data, they have it up in Image editing software.
Other Troll: Oh yeah. Well..
Chris: Well I don't know what to tell you there.
[Several trolls speak at once]
Chris: Sorry, what?
Troll: Doesn't that mean they're real?
Chris: No, I don't think so.
Troll: You don't think so?
Other Troll: Well, did you take them?
Chris: No.
Troll: Then where did those pictures come from?
Other Troll: Yeah, who took those?
Chris: I don't know. And I'd rather not talk about that anymore. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Troll: Are you lying to your fans Chris?
Chris: No.
Troll: We don't feel confort- we don't feel comfortable. We're big fans of your work and we don't like being lied to.
Jack: I'd like to make a point. It might just be a doppelganger [sic].
Clyde:Chris, you know the thing I hate most is lies. I like to spread the truth about you Chris.
Troll: You say you're honest, but you're lying to us.
Chris: [clearly annoyed] Fine, fine. Some those pictures are real.
Troll: Some of them?
Chris: Some of them but not all of them.
Jack: Like, which ones aren't real?
Chris: Uh, I'd rather not go into detail because I'd rather not look at 'em. Cause uh- [interrupted]
Troll: [unclear] -are you ashamed of it?
Jack: Do you not like to look in the mirror?
Troll:You owe it- you owe it to your fans.
Chris: Yeah, but- yeah, but- yeha, but upon looking at those it's like ref- it's like reflecting a pe- uh p- a past moment in my life where I- I was played for the fool.
Troll: Oh yeah, by the man in the pickle suit?
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: Oh that guy - I hate that guy.
Jack: Yeah I saw- he was trolling some other people you know? So you're not alone, Chris.
Troll: Yeah he took pictures of me like that too...
Chris: Hmm.
Troll: That guy's an asshole, I hate him.
Chris: Uhhhh yep.
Troll: He took pictures of my wife too. Sick bastard.
Polly: [I think she says he is a peanut]
(pause)
Chris: Uh, I'm sorry, what?
(another pause)
Chris Hates Harry
Chris: I just uh- never was fond of it. Ever since it came out, I was never fond of it. [unclear as troll speaks over] -just like I hate Harry Potter because he's s- he's goin- he's uh- in compe- was in competition against the world of Pokemon.
Jack: Well that- that doesn't make sense. But they're two different medias. Pokemon-
Chris: [interrupts] Yeah but- yeah but still he-
Jack: -Harry Potter is a book.
Chris: Yeah but he poses as competition against them.
Jack: That's not really competition. I mean-
Clyde: [speaking over Jack] Oh that reminds me about books- Vivi- Vivian wrote a book and sent it to you. You never read it.
Chris: Yes. I am afraid I- yeah, yeah- I'm uh- I've been uh- so I've been under uh- too much stress between internet and all that. I'll ge- I'll read it, I'll read it
Clyde: She's been waiting for your response for quite a long time.
Chris: Uh, I like the cover.
(pause)
Chris: Nice cover.
Troll: Yeah he is right about that. That is a nice cover.
Other Troll: Yeah the book is pretty good - I read it.
Chris: Hm. Well I- I will definitely make it a point to uh- read it. Very soon.
[Trolls talk over each other]
Polly: [Audible over the others] Did you ever read Twilight?
Chris:I've heard th- I've heard Twilight and I've seen the trailer but I haven't seen the movie, I'll wait for it to come out DVD or Blu-Ray.
(pause)
Random Access Humor Python Style
Polly: Oh ok, I heard a lot of girls like Twilight.
Chris: Hm. I see. Hey Polly does your voice sound like that, 'cause it sounds like a guy talking falsetto. I mean no personal offense.
Polly: That's not very nice...
Chris: I'm sorry. Believe me I didn't mean any pe- anything personal it's just like, you know- hm- kind- just kinda takes me by suprise a bit, that's all.
Troll: I knew a girl like that in high school.
Polly: [Sounding upset] I can't help it if I'm born like this.
Chris: Yeah I'm- I'm- I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you.
Troll: Yeah she's a girl. I saw her pics. She's a girl.
Chris: Well I'll s- I'll take his word for it. I'm sorry I cu- I accused you there.
Polly: Um. Ok.
Chris: You know, aut- I mean- let's- it's just uh- you know it's uh- you know it's uh a bit- just a spot of fun. Stupid humor. Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Clyde: We know you love that. There's just so many references to it in the comic.
Chris: Yeah I d- after they put all of the entire series on Playstation Network I downloaded the Hamlet episode- that was the one that had uh- Jimmy Hill parodying himself. It also had this funny bit where it was like, you know- [in a stupid voice] "...and now it's time for The Robinsons, an everyday story about blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah. Dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-duhhh-dum-de-dum"- and so on...
[A troll begins to speak but is interrupted by a very high-pitched Chris]
Chris: "Morning Mrs. Robinson- Morning Mrs. Robinson. Comin' out shoppin'? Oh- you've been shoppin', what did you buy? What's this?-" 'What did you buy this for?'[Trolls laugh over him] -It was a bargain!"
Troll: I've heard you do that before. I don't know where. Anyway uh- uhm- Whatever happened to Jimmy Hill?
Chris: Hm. I haven't heard from him in a long time so just assuming uh- he gave up or uh-
Jack: [interrupting] I think he got a- I think he got a, uh- children's TV program in England.
Chris: Hm. Well he ain't botherin' me, so I'm not worried about him anymore.
Jack: Ye- but he's stealing Sonichu. Bastardizing it.
Chris: Yeah he did but uh- he s- but haven't seen any updates on his-
Troll: [Talks over Chris] - profile, he's still doing it.
[Several trolls talk over each other about him having a TV show]
Chris Fails At Spanish Pt. 2
Chris: [Sigh]
[Troll says something more about the TV show, but it's muffled]
Cassie's Friend: Hey, Chris?
Chris: Yeah?
Cassie's Friend: Chris. Cassie wants to say hi. Just forgive her English because she can't speak very well, okay?
Chris: All right. Just sent her the email by the way, just now.
Cassie: Hey, Chris. It's me, Cassie.
Chris: Hi, Cassie. How are you?
Cassie: Fine, and you?
Chris: I'm feelin' ok.
Cassie: Why haven't you emailed me? I was really about-was really worried about you. What's happened?
Chris: I'm sorry. I be- I've bee- I've been busy with the Internet and the stress and all that. I sent ya an email just now go- it's got my Wii number in it so you can add me to your contacts. I've been talking to uh- I've been talking to Sarah lot- quite a bit lately. She's been helping me with uh- updating the Sonichu site, since I've uh- since I'm working on uh- it's re-uploading and such.
Cassie: K, I believe you. I going to check [pronounced like 'sheg'] it, okay?
Chris: You're going to where?
Troll: [very quietly] Check it.
Cassie: To check it.
Chris: To "shag-it"? Is that the-
Cassie: Check the email.
Chris: [still doesn't understand] Oh.
Cassie: I going to check the email.
Chris: Oh. [unintelligible]
Troll: Check the email.
Chris: Oh, check email. [Laughs] Yeah I'm sorry I tr- I tried to uh- understand but it just kind of messed up a little bit.
Jack: Why don- why don't you two speak in Spanish?
Chris: Uhhh. I'm not exactly fluent.
Cassie: ¿Sabes hablar español, Chris? (Do you know how to speak Spanish?)
Chris: Sí, hablo español. (Yes, I speak Spanish)
Cassie: Oh. [pause, one of the trolls says something to her] Oh, eso es muy sexy. (That is very sexy.)
Chris: Ohhhh. Te gusta. Te gusta muchísimo, (You like it. You like it a lot)
Cassie: La verdad, si. (To tell you the truth, yes)
Chris: Mmm. Me amos mis amigas muchísimas. Sons muy bueñas! (I love my friends (feminine) a lot. They are very good.) [Correction: Amo a mis amigas muchísimo. Son muy buenas.]
Cassie:Oh, eso es tan cool en español! Muy bueno! (That's so cool in Spanish! Very good)
Chris: Muy bueño (very good)
Cassie: Aha, exacto. (it is!)
Chris: [Laughs] Okay, that's good.
Cassie: Well, I going down, okay?
Chris: Okay, you're going down- by the way, let me ask ya Cassie, do you ever- you've uh- you've actually met uh Sarah May in person, haven't you?
Cassie: Not. She's on Internet.
Chris: Oh. Okay. That's cool- but anyway uh- you got- you d- you have my Wii number, uh- you can reply the email with your Wii number and it'll be registered on the Wii network.
Cassie: [very haltingly] Yes. So. Cool. Talk with you Chris. You are so cool.
Chris: Heh. Uhhhh. You flatter me. Tù me flatteray. [Laughs]
Cassie: [Weak laugh] Well, see you.
Chris: Adíos.
Cassie: Adíos.
Chris: [In his 'baby voice'] Adíos. [sigh]
Cassie: Adíos, bebé.
Chris: Adíos, chiquita bonita. [Laughs]
(Pause as audio cuts out)
Chris: -it again.
(Another pause)
Clyde: So anyway, Chris. I've been working on Rabbichoso for a day and uh- I was just wonderin' like, it's- it's supposed to comete with Sonichu, you know? If you weren't aware of that.
Chris: Uhhhh. I grabbed onto d- grabbed onto i- grabbed onto the gist. I'm aware- I'm aware of the just of the theory. Uh. I'm aw- I'm aware that you're tryin' to compete.
Clyde: You know what competition does. It's drives uh- it drives consumer interest- [muffled] - that's why I'm trying to help dude. You know, compete. Just so you're aware of this, ok?
Chris: I see. -see.
(Pause)
Rabbichoso And Animu
Troll: So Chris we've been ge- been getting uh threatening images from the Pickle Man. Did you s- did you see the left?
Chris: Uh. I've not heard from the Pickle Man in lo- in a long time.
Troll: Apparently there are multiple ones because this one is, uh, not a darkie.
Chris: Uh-huh.
Troll: It's good that they're leaving you alone now.
Chris: Yep.
Jack: Seems like they found more easier targets. Seeing as how you became saltier.
Chris: Uh. You know I originally got that quote from an e- ep- episode of ExCel Saga.
Jack: From what?
Chris: ExCel Saga.
Jack: Oh, ExCel Saga. Oh, yeah, that's a good anime.
Chris: [Quotes ExCel saga. Can't understand what he's saying]
Troll: Uh, have you ever seen two animes, [muffled] and Schooldays?
Chris: Hmm. I have not seen either of those. I like Steel Angel Kurumi as well.
Clyde: Chris, how much Japanese do you know?
Chris: Only a little bit. I'm not totally fluent. I can say that with all honesty.
Clyde: [Says something in Japanese]
Chris: Huh?
Clyde: Never mind, you won't understand it.
Polly: [Something] Chris-Chan. Thank you desu ga [sic]
Chris Could Kill Clyde
Falsion: Yeah, I just wanted to say, uh, you're doing a good job, like, keeping calm even though Clyde is here. I mean u- I thought you'd be, like, more angry at him.
Clyde: I'm being calm with you guys.
Troll: -I would have been choking him by now.
Other Troll: I'd have kicked his ass.
Chris: Preach to the choir. Pr-
Troll: [interrupts] I'd make him choke on a pickle if it were up to me.
Clyde: You guys can't touch me otherwise I'd kick all your asses. [Laughs]
Chris: Huh.
Troll: Yeah, bring it.
Troll: Chris could kick Clyde's ass anytime.
Clyde: Let's see Chris do it.
Chris: Bring it to me any day of the week and I'll definitely show him a hard- day's night.
Troll: Yeah I think you could kick his ass.
[Trolls and Clyde talk over each other]
Chris: No.
Jack: [Sings] -been a hard day's night...
Clyde: -never mind, just...
Chris: I mean that as a- meant that as in I would beat... him up.
Troll: Kick his ass?
Chris: I'm very strong.
Cassie's Friend: Chris. I'm gonna see you later, ok?
[Unison of goodbyes]
Cassie's Friend: Ok see ya. Thank you so much Chris.
Chris: [ignoring his fans] Yeah I can- I can lift about my weight.
Troll: Like um- if Clyde were right in front of you, what would you do to him?
Clyde: Like, what kind of style of fighting do you have?
Troll: Hey, shut up.
Clyde: I gotta know my competition.
Chris: Personal- in the physical offense. [sigh] I would definitely be giving you so much physical pain.
Clyde: That's not a s- that's not a style.
Chris: I would beat you up.
Troll: He deserves it man.
Clyde: Well, that's still not a style...
Jack: He uses fisticuffs. He's a gentleman. Gentleman fisticuffs.
Clyde: Whatever, I'll just see-
Troll: Stop arguing and just-
Other Troll: [Over previous troll] I mean, if he did that to my sweetheart I'd fucking kill him.
Clyde: Well. He's not- he's not going to come over and kill me, I know that. He doesn't have the money. (pause) You know I'm surprised that you're mad here. You're much kinder in person I thought you- Now I'm just expecting you at my door anytime, just waiting for you to stand here with an axe or something.
Chris: Knives are too messy.
Clyde: Ah, now a sword- sword's are usually better.
Troll: What about poison?
Clyde: Poison's good, poison's good.
Troll: Clyde, what - do you want him to beat your ass?
Clyde: No I was just expecting it, you know.
Chris: Yeah, you know what's another thing? I would definitely not tell you how I would be hurting you, but I would definitely give you a who- big amount of pain.
Troll: Oh, he's gonna keep you guessin'!
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: Yeah he deserves it. After everything he's done-
Clyde: [Muffled by troll] -going to kill me, I'd like to know.
Chris: Uh. I'm just going to let you cover in- worry.
Clyde: Oh so you're never going to show up, it's-
Chris: [interrupts] Oh yes I will show up. But you just won't be expecting it.
Clyde: You don't even know where I live, do you?
Chris: Find out!
Clyde: Maybe I should give you my address.
Troll: Chris, you should track him down and kick his ass.
Clyde: But I'm going to leave you guessing too...
Troll: Defend Panda's h- Panda's honor.
Other Troll: Hey Julie.
Polly: Oh, hi Julie.
Clyde: 'sup Julie.
[Pause]
Chris: Hey Julie.
[Everyone talks over each other]
Clyde's A Dick
Chris: Yeah I notice her mic doesn't work. But still I'm just letting her know that- acknowledge her presence.
Troll: You're doing well staying calm even thought Clyde's here.
Jack: Yeah, Clyde's a total dick.
Chris: Yep.
Troll: Fucker.
[Rustling]
Troll: I mean, he's taken over everything. The IRC. This. I can't- no one can stop him.
Clyde: [muffled] -over there, so...
Female Troll: I- I like Rabbichoso.
Clyde: Of course you do. [Laughs]
Female Troll: It's funny.
Chris: I will not offer any new comment on it.
Clyde: Well, ok.
Jack: Chris, when can we expect the next Sonichu to be released.
Troll: Yeah, we've been eager.
Chris: It'll be soon. It will be soon.
Troll: Yeah just ignore Clyde man.
Clyde: I mean if you're going to put a hard date on it, you'd better deliver your promise. If you don't, I'll strike harder. That's all I'm saying.
Chris: Hmm. You're saying if I don't set a date, you're gonna...
Clyde: No, no. I'm saying don't make promises you can't keep. Don't make promises you can't keep.
Chris: Hmm.
Troll: He'll choke you with his medallion bitch!
Other Troll: Yeah, who the hell do you think you are?
Clyde: I agree with Cogs over there. Maybe you should do just a page a day, not release all at once. Keep his-
Troll: [interrupts] Why are you telling him this when he hates you?
Clyde: I'm giving him suggestions man, ok? Ok?
Troll: Only thing he's gonna suggest to you is 'shut the fuck up'!
Other Troll: Yeah, seriously man.
Chris: It's alright.
(pause)
Troll: Penny Arcade's slow.
Polly: Oh you mean like Penny Arcade or [something] or MegaTokyo?
Troll: Yeah they're just like- boring. Then they because sellouts.
Chris's Country Cookin
Other Troll: Chris, where's your favorite place to eat?
Chris: Hmm. Can't really say uh- but I like country cookin'.
Troll: Oh yeah?
Other Troll: What's country cooking?
Chris: Uh no G's in the sto- no G's in the name by the way, no G.
Troll: Yeah what's country cooking? I'm not familiar with that.
Chris: It's like uh- som- something like Golden Corral.
Jack: But Golden Corral is a national franchise.
Chris: Mmm.
Polly: Uh Chris, how are your parents?
Chris: They're ok.
Polly: Oh ok.
(Long pause)
Sex Is Shit
Clyde: Chris I've got a sug- another suggestion. Now be quiet all of you cause I know you hate me. Just-
Troll: No, Chris hates you.
Clyde: Well don't defend him. He can defend himself ok? He's a man. But whatever-
Chris: Let him speak.
Clyde: I'm suggesting that- you go on and on about this sex stuff but you've never gotten laid, have you?
Chris: I like to put myself in the imaginative situation that I'd like to be in and the sexual stimulation. So I can be ready for myself for when I do actually have my first time.
Clyde: Well my first time was- I'll just say that it's terrible, ok? I didn't know what I was doing, she didn't know-
Chris: Let me guess, you prematurely ejaculated?
Clyde: No, no, no, it's not like that you don't know what to do. Every woman's told me ok? You can't prepare-
Troll: [Talks over Clyde] First time's always awkward...
Clyde: - I learnt that mistake a while back, ok whatever. Ok, you just- you can't prepare for your first time. You might as well just have a really bad first time so you learn from your mistakes.
Troll: I'm not trying to defend Clyde or anything, but yeah it's kinda true.
Clyde: Hmm.
Troll: The girl I first fell in love with is the girl I'm married to right now. Samantha just changed my world. But marriage does get boring.
Chris's Tips To STAY STRAIGHT
Troll: Chris, I know how you say how important it is to stay straight, um- I'm having trouble staying straight, do you have any suggestions?
Chris: Watch a bunch of pornography with uh- with naked women. Ok, a lot of naked women.
Troll: That happened to me one time...
Falsion: Chris, I have this friend I play videogames with, is that gay? He's male by the way.
Chris: Sorry could you- I'm sorry could you repeat that?
Falsion: I have this guy I'm friends with he always comes over to my house to play videogames. Is that gay? I'm kinda scared. You know? I don't wanna be gay.
Chris: Hm. Hmm. Is he making any advances towards you? Personally.
Falsion: I dunno how to tell.
Chris: Like uh sit- does he always sit next to you when he's playing games. Playing videogames.
Falsion: Yeah he usually does.
Chris: Hmm. I see. Hmm. My- well- my suggestion in that case, would be to keep a heavy distance between you and that guy.
Falsion: I don't think he meant anything gay by it though.
Chris: Sorry, what?
Falsion: I don't think he means anything like- gay about it.
Chris: Well, still- it's always best to find out- you can ask him. Don't be afraid to ask him.
Falsion: What would you do in this situation?
Chris: Well if he said yes then I would uh- basically- let me think about that a moment.
Falsion: Do you have any friends who're are like, guys?
Chris: Only acquaintances and only a few of them.
Falsion: Do you play videogames with people or anything? Do they come over to your house?
Chris: No. No.
Polly: Um, I remember-
Falsion: [Cuts Polly off] I'm just worried I might be gay or something. I don't wanna be gay.
Jack: You probably are Falsion, but that's ok. No, look dude.
Chris: Leave him alone! Leave him alone! He's straight!
Jack: Why?
Troll: Hey, let's have a calm conversation here. Let's not have any fights.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah.
[Trolls speak over each other]
Troll: I've been reading the Sonichu comics and man, they are page-turners! Seri- I was on- I was on the edge of my seat for a while. I ju- I couldn't- I couldn't- you know. Just had to read and read.
Chris: Hm. Thank you.
Falsion: Chris, can I be your friend? I know I'm a guy. I don't mean anything gay by it. Can I be your friend?
Chris: Mm. I dunno.
A Wild Snorlax Appears
Barbara: Do you want any hotdogs?
Chris: No, I'm ok.
Falsion: No?
Chris: I was talking with my mother.
Falsion: Oh. I was wondering if I could be your friend.
Chris: Oh. Mmm.
Falsion: Oh. I h- heard you only like, you only like to be acquaintances. With guys.
Chris: Yeah, ummm. Let's just pretty much leave it at acquaintance.
Jack: Hello Mrs. Chandler.
Chris: She can't hear you, I'm wearing my earphones.
Falsion: Listen, I'm not gay. I don't- you know- yeah. Nevermind.
Chris: Yeah I mean- I mea- I-
Clyde: What do you have against gay people? I'm serious to hear this.
Chris: It's just unnatural and it's against God's will.
Clyde: I mean, it's not like it's a choice. You can't change who you are like- you're a creative guy but I mean they're just gay. They can't change that.
Chris: I'm just answering a few questions mother.
Barbara: You don't have to answer. Nobody's payin' you to do that.
Jack: Yes they are.
[shuffling sounds, clanging]
Barbara: It ain't none of their business no-way.
Chris: Hm.
Barbara: I wouldn't be asked questions like that by employers or anybody. Don't tell people what you d- what you think. Keep that to yourself.
Troll: Chris what's hap- what's happening?
Chris: Well, obviously, my mother is offering her input.
Jack: Tell her you're just talking to some friends.
Barbara: [muffled] I don't need no back talk from somebody on the other end of the phone.
Chris: I hear you, Mom. Hmm. Hmm.
[scraping sounds]
Barbara: These- these idiots don't have any brains or- they don't have any idea this way or that.
[more banging, clanging and tumbling sounds. Sounds like washing up]
Troll: Is right now a bad time right now? I mean-
Chris: Pixelblocks, Pixelblocks!
Jack: Someone's saying "Pixelblocks."
Troll: Chris, are you saying Pixelblocks?
Chris: [Laughs]
[Chris's mom has been singing]
Jack: Your mother has a beautiful singing voice, Chris.
(Audio cuts)
Barbara: [Audio cuts back in] -all the anxiety, causing you stress.
Chris: Yeah, well sometimes they don't; they can be peaceful.
Barbara: Well, your mom and dad get the crappy end of the stick.
Chris: Mmm, a lot of us do.
[more clattering sounds]
Barbara: Yeah, just like this nasty mess over here that you guys left that I got to clean up.
Chris: Mm. [Audio cuts] -Yeah, I took care of my bills. I mean, not completely, but I took care of them.
Troll: What about going to, uh, Redmond?
Arjen Van Dierten:We! (Wii?)
[unintelligible, windows beeps]
Troll: [laughing] Yeah, sweetheart pool.
Arjen Van Dierten: Mmhmm. [laughing] Like the other side of the pillow.
[someone sighing. Clanging noises return after short absence]
Clyde: [unclear] ...is all, I mean, living with your parents is okay bad--in today's bad economy, but at 26, come on.
Troll: Shut up, you.
Clyde: Now, I'm being nice.
Troll: Clyde isn't so bad a guy. He does bad things, but he's pretty cool.
Arjen Van Dierten: Yeah he's reformed. He's seen the error- Yeah.
Troll: How- how could he do that to Sarah? I mean- That's not right.
Arjen Van Dierten: Yeah. Well, that's like Luke... That's like Luke and Laura from General Hospital. I know that's like, before y'all's time, but, um... Luke was a rapist and she--he raped Laura and then, like, a few months later they get married. So... [Laughs]
Polly: Yeah, I believe Clyde was trying to make amends from his past actions.
Falsion: Yeah, but Chris, can you uh- can you forgive him?
Random Troll: [whispering] White whale, holy grail!
Troll: Can you forgive a small-dicked Asian? Just a thought.
Jack: He's not Asian!
Clyde: I'm half-Asian, okay? My parents [unclear] I don't really wanna go into it. It's too bo-boring for you people. But this is why I [unclear].
Troll: Chris, are you there? Just makin' sure, buddy.
[clattering]
Troll: Move out.
Another Troll: Well, how do I do that?
Troll: What?
Chris: Hi there, my kitty. [In baby voice] Yes, there's a pretty kitty.
[Someone speaking with a voice-synth]
Troll: Hang on a second. I've got, like, a thousand different... Oh, Crass, why'd you do that?
Jack: Because. You can unban him but, yeah. I'm not gonna friggin' stand for that.
[Sound of a vacuum cleaner]
Jack: I (m j d?) do that.
Troll: I heard the "g" word.
Polly: Um, is that a vacuum cleaner?
Arjen Van Dierten: Yeah, sounds like it is.
[Trolls speak but are drowned out by vacuum]
Clyde: ...room or something.
Polly: I think the vacuum cleaner...
Clyde: If that's the government trying to do some kind of thing, then my name's Rusty Shackleford.
Troll: Oh.
Polly: Oh, okay.
Troll: That's a loud fan.
Other Troll: I have a fan above my stove, too.
Arjen Van Dierten: Hey... I do, too.
Clyde: Wait- wha- wait. You-you-you're in the kitchen?
Troll: Me too.
[possibly Sonic game sound effects]
Max: Chris?
Chris: Mmhm? Mm.
Max: I'm pretty sure it's already asked, but I didn't catch the answer. When can we expect the next Sonichu comic?
Clyde: I-I-I told you my suggestion of releasing a page a day or something. I mean, it's a pretty good one. It-it-it allows for a good time. Finish a page a day. You upload it. You know? It's very good. Works very well.
[Barbara singing]
Polly: Uh. I mean- you guys keep asking when he's going to finish it but I wonder how many pages are going to be in the new one?
Clyde: The last one was like, thirty. Just release it over the span of a month. Works fine.
Troll: ...go up to ninety thousand..
Clyde: [mutters something]
[Sound of Barbara singing]
Barbara: Down by the river...side
Jack: Your mother has a beautiful voice, Chris.
[clattering, typing]
Barbara: [[unclear, repeating the same two phrases] Gone down by the river, down by the water side, down by the riverside. Down by the waterside. Down by the riverside.
Polly: I remember [unclear]
[Audio cuts]
Troll: -I'm hungry myself.
[some kind of alarm sounding]
Max: Then go eat.
Troll: No, you.
Max: I already ate.
Anime And Shit
Polly: I wonder what anime Chris watches nowadays. There's not many on television but do you still watch Japanese cartoons?
Troll: [In a bad accent] Kawaii desu ne.
Other Troll: I want to watch Shuffle. He said it was very good. He said it was sad. I don't know if I wanna watch- I don't like sad stuff. I like to be happy when I watch anime.
Polly: Oh, and um, do you watch stuff like Bleach and um Code Geass or Naruto or something?
[Pause]
Other Troll: I'm glad to hear that Shuffle isn't sad. I'm definitely going to watch it sometime.
Troll: Um, yeah Chris that was a good call on Naruto.
Other Troll: Yeah there's a lot of people who don't like it much either. Too popular.
Troll: But please. Please. Hope. [audio cuts out briefly] Uh, Chris, please consider When They Cry.
Other Troll: Ooh, I saw that one. It was a really good series.
Troll: Oh, I know; that was good, like-
Other Troll: Yeah. Both seasons of it.
[Windows beeps, voices overlapping]
Troll: I could link you to Season One if you want. Yeah, Samantha got me into that.
Other Troll:..you'll give it a try, Chris. It's a very, very good series.
Arjen Van Dierten: Hm. Hey, Julie. How are you?
Other Troll: ...lots of [unclear]
Troll: Watch Shuffle. You got the six episodes of Shuffle or... Which o- which anime? I'm sorry.
Troll: Oh and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is also cool.
Polly: I really liked JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. Very [unclear]
Troll: Za warudo!
Troll: Oh yeah, I think Shuffle is quite all right. I like Heidi. She's sweet and loyal.
Other Troll: That's a good one. One of my favorites is Black Lagoon.
Polly: Um, is that the one with the blue girl?
[[Trolls talk over each other about different anime]
Troll: Hey, uh, Chris can I, my, uh, I don't know if it's all right, but, like, could you like, give me an email sometime? I could, uh... recommend you to... this anime that... Polly and... Julie like to watch. They're quite- they... Oh, C--and Cogs has recommended such great anime.
Chris: [talking to his mother] Yeah? That's [unclear]
Troll: As well as Julie--Julie's the person that got me into anime.
People Love Poketunes
Chris: -we can go into this later cause I got my headphones on. And, Mom, you know what something else? They liked your singing.
Barbara: What? I don't sing.
Chris: You just did!
Barbara: That's my laugh; that's my laugh. They couldn't hear me.
Chris: They heard you. Singin'. Just now.
Barbara: I can't sing!
Chris: You just did!
Barbara: I'm tone deaf.
Chris: They just heard you singing, and liked your voice.
Barbara: Okay Did you write checks for all those bills and pack everything [unclear]?
Chris: Yeah. Yes, Mother, I did.
Barbara: You're not telling me no story?
Chris: No, I'm not telling you no story.
Barbara: Ok. It's important [inaudible] did you pay them?
Chris: Yes, I paid that one.
Barbara: Okay, you have to be honest with me, 'cause, see, you're settin'...
Chris: I'm being honest, I'm being honest.
Barbara: How you respond to what [we] talk about. You say you ought to something and you don't do it then that's gonna change my ideas [unclear].
Chris: Okay... I'll be sure to pay the remaining differences next month.
Barbara: No, this month.
Chris: I know but I couldn't pay them all with 90 dollars so there's still some left [sound cuts] ...oh, you're cooking them up here, okay, that's why you turned the fan on over the stove.
(Audio cuts)
[Trolls rejoice and mock Momma Chandler]
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