Mumble 8

Mumble 8 is the eighth of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held on 17 February 2009.

Chris confirms he drank (recycled) his semen. There are discussions about lesbian sex, the homos (with awesome raging from GeckoMantis), and an Oscar-winning performance by Sarah May (RIP).

Summary

• Donald Duck impersonation
• Megan's favorite band is Guns N' Roses.
• Chris will not call Rick Astley a homo.
• There is a feud between Molvanîa and Russia.
• Gohan's girlfriend is Chris's favorite Dragonball character.
• Chris is asked to list the ten commandments and the seven deadly sins. He reaches for his Bible because he can't remember. (Although, as a Protestant, the seven deadly sins would be irrelevant.)
• Mr. Roboto gets kicked.
• Chris says his pastoral counselor (Rocky) told him premarital sex is okay.

[15:40]

Chris on premarital sex with Julie: After you get here, we could talk to my pastor about it further.

Julie: I've said it many times. I discuss it in my letter.

Chris: I'm just sayin'. After you get here, we could talk to my pastor about it.

[17:00]

• A troll suggests Chris looks for loopholes in everything to justify himself. Chris cuts him off.
• Epic rage from the troll.
• Chris asks for forgiveness. Says everyone has a different interpretation of the Bible.
• Troll calls him out on his homophobia. Chris says he's taken it back, so it's ok.

[24:00]

• Chris sexual urges weren't as strong back when he had female friends.

[to be summarized]

[45:30]

• Chris is willing to perform a threesome involving two men. Julie is willing to do it with Chris and Emily then.
• It's not gay if balls aren't touching.
• Chris wants them to engage in tribbing.

[47:20]

• Sarah May thought Chris wanted her and Julie to have a threesome.
• Since Chris asked Sarah first, she can have the first threesome with Julie.
• Two women is Chris's limit.
• Chris can't decide between Sarah and Julie

[51:50]

• Both women can't get pregnant because Chris would wear a condom.
• The trolls explain the concept of friends with benefits. This is just too much for Chris to take in right now.

[56:00]

• The speed at which Chris produces his comic depends on how he is feeling.
• Chris should be able to draw more, say trolls
• Chris will try to get a page done a day.
• Derrick explains stream of consciousness writing. Chris talks about storing shit in his memory, which is totally the opposite style.

The following are not in order:

• Chris confirms he drank (recycled) his semen.
• Chris doesn't go to McDonald's often, "maybe two or three times a week."
• Chris says he measured his dick with a ruler.
• Sarah May is so upset Chris called her Julie she attempts suicide.
• Chris shrugs it off, saying he still has Julie.

Transcript

Guy: What's up?
Chris: Ahh, doin' okay, doin' okay. Got some stress, but I'm okay.
Mr. Roboto: Stress is bad.
Chris: Hm, haven't updated in a while-
Mr. Roboto: We enjoy the new- we enjoy the preview for the new comic.
Chris: Now, now just a, just a minor recent event that I won't go into, uh, it's just a minor inconvenience really. But it made me- mmm, basically in a nutshell my computer got turned off and I didn't turn it back on for a coupla days.
Mr. Roboto: That is terrible. It remind me of the time my mama had taken away my computer. Because I, I spent too much time on it. And she said "You spend too much time on computer!"
Chris: Huh. Goodness. Yeah. Yeah, but we don't have to go into that.
Julie: Hey Chris, there's something I forgot to ask.
Chris: Yeah?
Julie: Do you think you could do your Dona- your Donald Duck impersonation for me, please?
Mr. Roboto: He already did that before, didn't he?
Chris: [in his horrible Donald Duck voice] So ask me how was my day. What are we doin'? [quacks]
[Julie and others laugh]
Julie: Chris, how about, how about the- how about the Uncle Ruckus for everyone, please?
Chris: [equally horrible Uncle Ruckus voice] Don't trust them new niggers over there! Sing along if you know the words.
[pause]
Mr. Roboto: Um, I do not believe Ruckus ever says that. And I am from Russia, so I do not see much of the show though. [pause] Well, you should come see Russia, Chris. It is nice.
Chris: I'm sure it is.
Mr. Roboto: Yes. It is very- although we have high corruption in our government, we are fine people, and we work hard for our lives.
Chris: I do not disagree with you.
Mr. Roboto: Wait, you said that- are you saying that corruption is good thing?
Chris: No. I, I don't like corruption. I'm just saying that I agree, I agree with you on the fact that y'all are proud people. And respectable. [pause] Okay?
Guy: Like gays.
Chris: Hm. I guess, yeah.
Guy: [in camp gay voice] Obviously.
[pause]
Chris: Hm.
Guy: Chris, what's up?
Chris: Umm...nothing. Umm, lemme think...mmmmm...
Guy: I can't believe I'm talking to the real Christian Weston Chandler. It's mad.
Chris: Well, take a deep breath and accept it. 'Cause it's real.
Mr. Roboto: We love you, Chris. That is why we are impressed by the fact that you would do this for your fans.
Chris: Yep.
Guy: Accept no substitutions.
Guy: This is wicked awesome.
Chris: Yep. Accept no substitute. Hm.
Guy: Nothing but net.
Chris: Uhh, actually it's more like dot com, more like dot com now.
Julie: What did you say?
Guy: Nothing but dot com and [???]
Julie: Actually, what did you say a few minutes ago? I couldn't hear you.
Chris: Hm. Say a few minutes ago? I, what, when I was talking to the nice Russian guy?
Julie: Yeah.
Mr. Roboto: Yo.
Guy: I didn't know, actually-
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
[Julie and a guy talk at the same time]
Mr. Roboto: What did you say about me?
Chris: Uh, I said that you were a nice guy.
Mr. Roboto: No, I was tal- I'm- excuse me Chris, but what Bryan Bash was saying to me. I could not hear him.
Bryan Bash: Um, that's your username, isn't it? "Nice Russian Guy"?
Mr. Roboto: No, it is- no, it is Mr. Roboto. I enjoy the band Styx very much. We just get them here.
[Bryan laughs]
Chris: Okay, good. So-
Guy: Hello there, Chris. Sorry, I was having a bathroom break. [pause] And for the record, I love Styx too.
Mr. Roboto: Styx is good band.
Chris: I never heard Styx, but I will not disagree with you.
Guy: Um, have you ever sung "Come Sail Away"?
Chris: Um, I am afraid I have not heard that. Sorry.
Guy: Or "Renegade".
Chris: That one neither. I'm sorry.
[pause]
Guy: You've never heard "Mr. Roboto"? Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto?
Chris: I've heard that used in cartoon shows, and other shows like that, other shows outside the cartoon.
Guy: Uhh-
Chris: I've heard the expression, but I've never heard the song. I didn't even know there was a song. So, um... just a minor ignorance because I did not know about it.
Guy: Oh, it's cool. Um, have you ever heard of the band Rush?
Chris: I've heard that, I've heard that band, yeah.
Guy: Rush is pretty awesome.
Julie: Chris, have you ever heard about Guns N' Roses?
Chris: Yeah, Guns N' Roses, that was, uh, Megan's favorite band.
Guy: I like Elton John, personally.
Guy: [interrupts previous guy] Speaking of Megan, whatever happened to her?
Mr. Roboto: You are gay for liking Elton John. In Russia, we beat up gays.
Guy: Dude. I like Elton John's music-
Mr. Roboto: [interrupts] You are also gay.
Guy: -I also like Boy George. Is that a problem?
Mr. Roboto: Boy George is homo.
[Mainly unintelligible as people shout over each other]
Guy: Hey Chris man-
Mr. Roboto: Yeah. I am sorry. I apologize.
Guy: So uh, speaking of YouTube... Just to say that he is actually gay. So uh, you know...
Chris: Who are we talking about?
[long pause]
Guy: You know the uh- [sounds like "Never Gonna Give You Up"] -song...
Chris: Oh yeah. That was-
Guy: [interrupts] Yeah so that was- [unintelligible]
Mr. Roboto: He's not gay.
[pause]
Chris: Well I dunno, so... I will not pass judgment either way.
Guy: What do you mean by "pass judgment"?
Chris: I mean I would not call him a homo or st- or whatever.
[pause]
Guy: Why would you call him a homo anyway?
Mr. Roboto: Because it is right to ridicule the a- the gays.
Guy: Russia must be a very violent place.
Mr. Roboto: It is. You should come here.
Guy: You are a very intolent person.
Mr. Roboto: I am very tolerant. It is my culture.
Guy: Very much so...
Other Guy: Your culture is intolerant.
Mr. Roboto: It is not my fault my culture is like this. I apologize for nothing.
[Muffled]
Mr. Roboto: No. They killed communists.
Chris: Yep. That's what I heard.
Mr. Roboto: Heard what?
Chris: That Russia does not like communists. They-
Mr. Roboto: [Interrupts] Oh we like communists. But stupid fascists killed communism. I would like to see communism returned. It was a fun time.
Julie:I never really liked Russia.
Mr. Roboto: Well Russia doesn't really like you. I heard you were from- [unclear] -state Molvanîa
Guy: Chris what's your- [Yelling] Shh! Hey Chris what's your favorite Dragonball Z character?
Chris: Ok-
[Long pause]
Guy: I'm gonna guess Goku.
Chris: No.
Guy:He's got that "Goku go get 'em" attitude.
Other Guy: I liked Piccolo myself.
Chris: I like Gohan's girlfriend.
Other Guy: Oh, did you know that "Videl" [the name of Gohan's girlfriend] is the word Devil rearranged?
Chris: I'm sorry. It's just a name.
[Slightly unintelligible chatter about Dragonball Z]
Guy: Chris what do you feel about Satanists?
[Pause]
Chris: Um... Uh yeah. I am not fo- I am not fond of those people.
Guy: You know they don't actually worship the Devil?
Chris: Hmm. I see. But anyway i am not fon- I am not really fond of them.
Guy: I know one in college. A Satanist. He pretty much- They don't worship the Devil but instead they- [muffled by other people]
Other Guy: Chris, you know the Ten Commandments? [pause] Do you know the Ten Commandments Chris?
Chris: Yeah. I do.
Guy: [overlapping] -Can you recite them for us?
Chris: Uh, yeah.
Guy: [overlapping] In the order that they're supposed to be.
Chris: Yeah. Give me a minute. [Sound of Chris wandering off, knocking stuff over]
Julie: Chris I don't think you should leave- [unintelligible]
[pause]
[Something from Mr Roboto]
[pause]
Chris: Alright the uh- Ten Commandments. [clearly reading from his Bible] "Thou shalt have no other God before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any craven [sic] image. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain-"
Guy: [speaking over Chris] You are good at this...
Chris: "-Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Honor thy father and thy mother. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not swea- bear false witness against thy neighbor and thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbors."
Guy: Uh we were kinda hoping you'd recite them off the top of your head.
[muffled]
Guy: -Ah it's been a while since i read it. Name the seven deadly sins.
Other Guy: [muffled] I dunno why he asked that...
[muffled. Something about sex before marriage. Various clicks from someone's computer]
Chris: Yeah-
Mr. Roboto: Yes. You are a whore if you have sex before marriage.
Julie: EXCUSE ME? What did you say?
Mr. Roboto: I said nothing, Molvanîan bitch.
Julie: EXCUSE ME?
Chris: Yeah I heard him. Go ahead and kick that guy out.
Guy: Ok he's kicked now...
Julie: [in a very boyish voice] Son of a bitch...
Guy: Seriously all the ones i know are- [muffled]
Guy: I think it's true also though, I think he's a closet homo. Seriously.
Chris: Well he's gone now, we don't have to worry about him anymore.
[people yelling over each other]
Guy: But he did bring up a good point. Isn't sex before marriage adultery? Isn't lusting after girls adultery?
Chris: [interrupting] Listen, listen, listen.
Guy: Ok I'm listening.
Chris: Ok. My pastoral counselor has told me herself that it's ok. As long as she and I love each other truly and very much.
Julie: Yes well Chris, well I [people talk over "her"] Let me finish!
Chris: Let her finish please.
Julie: Well in the Methodism I follow - there's no sex before marriage.
[unintelligible]
Chris: Well it's um... Yeah...
Guy: Um. Why do you think has a better interpretation of the Bible? Your counselor, or God?
Chris: Hmm. Well... The Bible can can be misinterpreted in a number of ways. Umm-
Julie: Chris, if I may? As a girl I don't (?) sex before marriage.
Guy: I thought it was pretty straightforward. I mean... Jesus said himself that if you look at a woman whilst you're basically, you're maintaining a pretty- [talked over by Julie]
Chris: Mmm. Julie we can talk about this further after you get here. We can talk to my- my uh- my pastor at my church about it further.
Julie:: I've studied many times, I've discussed it in my letter. Chris: Yeah. But I'm just saying, that we can talk to my pastor about it. [muffled]
Guy:: We're all just trying to help you out man. Other Guy: We don't want you to go to hell. We don't want you to go to hell for having premarital sex [Chris interrupts]
Chris: God is forgiving. Other Guy: Not on this planet.
Chris: Oh Jesus is forgiving.
Guy: Well What if...[interrupted]
Other Guy: well it's ok to have sex out of marriage, but it's not ok if you're gay, is that what you're saying?
Guy: [unintelligible]
Other Guy: Chris, you seem to find try to justify yourself every time by adding loopholes to your Bible just so you can have premarital sex and everything and I don't fucking get it. You're trying to justify yourself for having a Playboy, and you're trying to justif….and your always justif...[interrupted by Chris]
Chris: I AM NOT!
Other Guy: No! No! I'm not having a No! Fuck You! You're a fucking hypocritical douchebag!
Chris: Well sometimes I don't know everything, so excuse me…for that.
Other Guy: [unintelligible]
Chris: I will listen, I will. Listen, listen, I appreciate your help, but you know when it comes to religion I think, uh... our own individual interpretations each of us individually is uh as is important to us so my interpretation... and, uh, y'alls interpretation which are respectable uh-
Guy: [interjects] Which you're right!
Chris: ... are important
Other Guy: Okay, so Chris, uh, just wanted to know, why so much hate against the gays, I mean if religion can be interpreted any way... [interrupted] ... seriously.
Chris: uh hmm. I... Okay well… Okay I take all the times I said hated the homos, but obviously when I said that I was uh under a whole bunch of stress, and I felt most uncomfortable around them and men in general, so I guess I just picked the wrong word, so I apologize.
Guy: Um, this is just like the time where'd ya-ya-you trying to say that a whole lot of you said were made at times of stress but um, sooner or later you know that isn't it you know going to be like... you can't retract every every statement because you made it out of stress, you know.
Chris: I know I can't retract every one, but those I am able to retract, I can and will. [unintelligible]
Chris: I had a misunderstanding at that time
Guy: [unintelligible] had a lot of stress at that time.

This media needs a transcript. Help CWCki by transcribing the content. If the media is too long, transcribe select portions which are funny or informative.

Recycling (42:20 - 44:18)

Chris: [Returning after being away for a while] Hmmm.
Guy 1: Welcome back.
Chris: Yep.
Guy 2: What was that about, Chris?
Chris: Yep.
Guy 2: What was that all about, Chris?
Chris: I just had to-- My Mom asked me to uh, go take her clothes out of the washing machine and put them in the dryer.
Guy 2: [something]
Chris: Okay, yeah.
Guy 1: Uh, Chris, I have a question, actually.
Chris: Yeah.
Guy 1: I have this friend... I think he-- It's a different friend, I think he might be gay.
Chris: Wow.
Guy 1: He uh... After he's done masturbating he drinks his own semen, is that gay?
Chris: Uhhhhh, no. I don't think s- I don't think so, because, uh... I've done that, it's called "recycling" it.
Guy 2: Guys--
Guy 1: Wait, let him answer.
Chris: Yeah, it's basically recycling, it's like uh, he doesn't necessarily have to lost it... Because you know, you think of it waste if you- If you banged it out... And then you uh, and then you put- It's like you flush it down the commode or leave it in the uh, condom and put it in the garbage can.
Guy 2: But isn't it burned up by stomach acid?
Guy 3: Yeah, it--
Chris: Well, yeah-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but... STILL. Still, it's good for the new sperm cells. And plus there's also- Plus I've learned on the Internet that there's... There's vitamins in the- In the sperm cells, as well. So like, it's like basically you're helping yourself when you do that.
Guy 1: That's interesting. I hear that the--
Chris: Although- Although personally I've kind of gotten sick of, uh... Swallowing my own. So like, you know... So, lately I've just been disposing of them.
Julie: Umm--
Chris: I mean it just depends on your own individual tastes. Uh, yes, Julie?

First Dibs on the Threesome Act (44:18 - 53:20)

Julie: Well I heard somebody say "Hi Chris", it sounded like a female, who was it?
Chris: I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.
Emily: Oh, that was me... My name's Emily.
Chris: Oh. Hi, Emily.
Emily: I really like your comics.
Chris: Thank you. (Pause) Thank you very much.
Emily: I don't understand why you're still single, honestly.
Chris: Tell me about it.
Julie: But, Chris, you're--
Chris: Oh right, but I am in love with, uh, Julie... right there, who just spoke just now. But...
Emily: Oh, she sounds like she's really pretty.
Chris: Hey, take that as a compliment Julie.
Julie: Thank you.
Emily: Maybe we can have a threesome.
Chris: (shocked/happy) Oh wow!
Julie: But--
Chris: I'm sorry, go ahead, Julie.
Julie: well, Chris has stated before that he does not want a threesome with two men.
Chris: Well I will-- Actually, Julie, I gave it some thought. And I am willing to do that for you. If you wanna do it with another- If you wanna do a threesome with uh, two guys... As long as, uh, I'm one of them... Uh, I'm okay with that. I've come to accept it.
Julie: Alright, I guess... I'll accept a threesome with two women.
Chris: Well- You hear that, Emily? After Julie and I have done it a few times we can invite you.
Emily: That'd be really cool! I mean can go shopping at a sex store beforehand.
Guy 1: You said with two guys?
Chris: Uh... yeah.
Guy 1: Isn't that gay?
Chris: Uhhhhmmm...
Guy 2: Not if balls aren't touching. They say it's not gay if all balls are not touching.
Chris: Yeah I'm--
Guy 2: Ball separation is key, guys. Ball separation is key.
Chris: Yeah. Uh, you hear- You hear that, Julie? That's uh... an official for us in that sense.
Julie: Chris, wouldn't you like to be--
Guy 1: Well you know what I say-- (Talking over each other)
Chris: Hang on. Julie, say that again please?
Julie: Well, when we do have a threesome with two women, what would you like me and Miss Emily to do?
Chris: (Takes a deep breath, excited) Wow. I guess I'll put it out in the open, because I thought I'd told you before, Julie, but um... You know I--
Julie: [something]
Chris: Okay, well, you know like how, uh, lesbians do like a scissor thing? Uh, yeah--
Guy 2: You mean like "tribbing".
Chris: I'm sorry, what was that?
Guy 2: You mean tribbing. Yeah, that's the actual term.
Chris: Okay, well... While two girls are tribbing, I put my dick between the two... Just-- Between the two pussies. (Awkward pause)
Emily: I think that would be really hot.
Guy 2: Seems kind of uncomfortable.
Emily: It's actually not, I've done it before.
Guy 2: Ooooh!
Sarah May: Um, Chris, it's me, it's Sarah May.
Chris: Hi, Sarah.
Sarah May: I thought you were waiting for me and Julie to have a threesome.
Chris: Oh--
Sarah May: I thought it was gonna be special.
Chris: Oh. Well--
Emily: There can be four now!
Chris: Heh... Or, uh, you know- Or Sarah, since, you know, I asked you first, we'll let you... We'll let you come over before Emily.
Sarah May: But... I wanted it to be special, y'know, but...
Chris: It- It can be special, Sarah. It can be.
Sarah May: Okay... I'm really upset right now, I feel like you don't care about me.
Chris: Sarah, I do care about you. I'm sorry I upset you.
Sarah May: ...Thank you, Chris.
Chris: But--
Guy 1: So how many men would you do it with?
Chris: Uh... I'd... I think, uh... Yeah I think, uh, two women is my limit. So like, you know... Just have to do it one at a time, but Sarah calls first dibs on the threesome act.
Sarah May: I don't really want this to be like a "First come, first served" type of thing, though. I want to know that you actually have feelings for me and Julie.
Chris: Well... I do have strong feelings for Julie more, but I have... strong enough feelings for you too, Sarah.
Guy 1: Are you into Polygamy?
Chris: Sorry, what?
Guy: Uh... Polygamy, it's like having more than one partner.
Chris: Uh, I think you're talking about be married to more than one women. No, no...
Guy 2: Hey, so Chris, so we're obviously, uh--
Guy 1: I mean Polyamory.
Guy 2: Yeah, Polyamory.
Guy 1: Polyamory.
Chris: Yeah well anyway that- Anyway, that refers to married to more than one women, being married. Not, uh, getting with- Not getting- Not, uh, not having sex, basically.
Guy 3: Wait, doesn't this go back to the whole "sex before marriage" part--
Chris: Uh, NO-NO-NO-No-No, let's not got into that now, let's not get into that again.
Guy 1: I mean like... Having multiple partners. Like, in multiple relationships.
Guy 2: Wait, didn't you say that as long as you truly love the person you can have sex before marriage, but do you truly- Are you saying you truly love all these girls that you just met?
Chris: Hmm. Uh. Uhhhhhh... Right.
Guy 4: Oh, hey! Hey, Chris.
Guy 1: Let him talk.
Chris: Uhm... Tryin'... Mm. Hmmm.
Sarah May: Chris, why are you taking-- [someone else talks over her]
Chris: I'm trying, I'm thinking!
Sarah May: --taking a long time.
Chris: I'm sorry, I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I dunno... Mmm.
Sarah May: I just wanna know that you love me. Do you?
Chris: Sarah May, I love you at least as a friend. And, uh... And I love Julie, as my girlfriend... And, uh, you know, if Julie hadn't, uh, hadn't uh-- No, no, I'm sorry, I take that- beginning of that statement back, um... But anyway, um... I do love you very much--
Guy: So you love Sarah as a friend?
Chris: No, I'm saying I love Julie as a friend AND as a girlfriend, but I love Sarah May as a friend. And I would love for her to... take part with me and Julie in a threesome in the future.
Guy 1: You'll have sex with your friends, though? That's kinda wrong.
Chris: No, that's not- NO NO NO NO NO, that's not necessarily wrong, because if you want the relationship... to uh, go well, you should start off by being friends.
Guy: Chris, usually that stuff just leads to like, awkwardness, I mean obviously you're kind of... prone to that, it's not because of you, it just happens because let's face it, you haven't had the best luck here, it's not your fault, you're a great guy, it just happened, but let's face it, you need all the help you can get.
Chris: I- I- I appreciate your help. I appreciate your help.
Guy 1: I personally think that you should just stick to one woman.
Chris: Yeah, but, you know, sometimes, in a... relationship, that's... That's one way the couple can, uh, spice it up, make it more exciting, to re-ignite the spark. You know--
Guy 1: So uh, what if you do that and you get both women pregnant?
Guy 2: But you, I thought you--
Guy 1: Wait, let him talk.
Chris: (Pause) Uh...
Guy 1: Because that's happened before, I--
Chris: I would- I would be-- I would wear a condom.
Guy 1: What if it breaks?
Julie: [something]
Chris: (Mildly shocked) Did you just say that this turns you on, Julie?
Julie: No, [something]'s kinda turning me off.
Chris: Oh.
Guy 3: Also, Chris, both of my younger cousins were both born, not only from condoms but [something] I think you'll have to take that into consideration, it--
Chris: Well-- Hey- Well, still-- Better off at least... the- At least having the protection.
Guy 1: I know but I'm just saying like, you wanna have a baby be born like--
Chris: And plus- And plus, if the first one breaks, I can always change- I can always switch it for another one.
Guy 1: I'm just saying, threesomes are risky, I mean what if you... I mean, you don't wanna have two children born from different mothers. (Awkward pause) Okay, uh--
Guy 2: Also, how--
Guy 1: Ah, we're over this, already, I'm talking about something else.
Guy 2: Alright, sorry buddy.

Stress (53:20 - 1:03:22)

Chris: Well anyway, I-- Well anyway, final point, uh... Sarah, you called for-- Sarah, I will let you, uh, be the first to, uh, join me and Julie in a threesome.
Sarah May: I appreciate that, but I... I just, you know I don't wanna be like, the first of MANY, I want it to be special. I kind of accept, but... Your [something]--
Chris: Uh, Sarah?
Sarah May: --it's perfectly okay to have sex with her.
Chris: Um... Yeah, you're right. I apologize. Sarah, it can be very special, and I am willing to make it as special as possible when it happens. (Long pause) Hang on a second, I got something else that I'm doing here. Mmm. (Typing)
Guy: Well, what I've noticed is there's like different-- Seems like Chris has an old case of Friends With Benefits.
Chris: A-- Wait, what?
Guy: Friends With Benefits, it's like, you have your girlfriend, and um, Friends With Benefits is like you're friends with somebody but you can still have sex with them. I used to do that back in my earlier twenties, but... I wouldn't really reccoment it because it really gets complicated.
Guy 2: Yeah that's what I was talking about earlier you guys, it starts out as Fuck Buddies, and a--
Chris: (Loud Stress Sigh)
Guy 2: --high percentage only leads to things getting awkward and kinda tangled up, it just--
Chris: I hear you, I need to take my-- This is just a lot for me- For my mind to take in right now.
Guy: Oh, sorry, um... Also, I'm a cartoonist. I read your webcomic, it's pretty good and stuff.
Chris: Thank you.
Guy: Uh-- [Audio messed up for 20 seconds] --I was wondering like, how long does it take for you to draw a page? I can crank out a page, three to four pages per day.
Chris: Hmm. (Stressed) Well it depends on how I'm feeling and what my mood is. I mean, I- It's like I could probably do like, about, your amount, or better possibly, I'm not saying totally, or fully with confidence, but uh... But you know, it just- it depends on how I'm feeling. It's like you know, when some- I have lot of things that get me down. And... And get me emotionally down. And uh, I have things that get me emotionally up and, feeling like a yo-yo, it just uh... gives me a dizzy feeling, it's like... I don't know. Just makes me feel uncomfortable and it's like, uh... Doesn't really get me into drawing that much there.
Guy: Uh... But see, the thing is, I've heard about your personal life and stuff. I heard that you're um, unemployed...
[Audio is messed from 56:57 - 1:00:57. Eventually this one guy's voice can be heard. Apparently they're debating the pronunciation of "CWC".]
Cwuck Guy: Actually, without vowels it's more of a "cwuck". [Chris talks] "Cwuh-UH-Ck." [Chris talks] No, no, Chris. A "C" makes a "Cuh" sound, and the "W" makes a "Wuh" sound, so it's "Cwuck". [somebody else says something] I didn't say "Quack", I said "Cwuck." I'm just trying to pronounce the three consonants. [somebody says something] I haven't pronounced it any different, I'm saying "Cwuck". "Cuh-Wuh-Ck." [Chris and others talk for a few seconds] You know what, you know what Chris it might actually be a good idea to put an explanation into the comics for people who aren't in this chat.
[Audio finally returns to normal at 1:03:22]
Chris: --four eyes.

Impressions (1:03:22 - 1:09:27)

[Various people talk over each other, apparently they were talking about Punchy Sonichu]
Chris: Alright well, excuse me, I misunderstood that. Well anyway, it's just a characteristic about Punchy.
Guy: Chris, I'm sure [something about China, the country]
Guy: I'm just easily offended by things I see, and uh... You know, stereotypical-- Like, last night we were reading it and some of us-- Who was doing the voice of Punchy? I think it might be nice to have Chris listen. [Says whatever the dude's name is], was that you?
Voice Actor: Yeah, I was doing it.
Guy: Hey, could you show Chris your Punchy voice?
Voice Actor: Okay, give me a line for Punchy to say.
Chris: Umm...
Guy 2: "If I see that pickle one more tiiime!"
Guy 3: "Wax on, wax off."
Voice Actor: (Punchy voice) "Wax on, wax off."
Chris: That's it?
Voice Actor: (Punchy voice) "[Something] and all my Sonichu Friends!"
Chris: Hmm...
Guy: That's bad, that's racist, man.
Chris: Yeah--
Guy 1: In the comic it says he's a martial artist, like...
Chris: Alright, well, for the record, that's not what Punchy would sound like. But, you know, for a reference, Punchy would definitely sound more like... The guy who actually did the voice of Knuckles in the animation.
Guy 1: Oh, okay...
Guy 2: So he's basically just Knuckles.
Guy 3: Yeah.
Chris: No- No no no no, not bas- He's not basically Knuckles, I'm just saying that his voice would SOUND like knuckles. [Everybody talks over each other]
Guy 2: Well, he's got the same eyes as Knuckles, he's got the... like, the knuckle-duster things. And, y'know, he's being voiced by the same person as Knuckles--
Chris: NO, not necessarily the same PERSON. Not necessarily the same person, but... Sounding similar. But not exactly--
Guy: So essentially somebody doing the Knuckles voice. Some guy, who isn't the voice actor for Knuckles, doing the exact same voice for Punchy.
Guy 2: [says something about someone named YouTubeLover]
Guy: YouTubeLover asked, what was Rosechu's favorite food?
Chris: Hmmm... Italian.
Awesome Guy: Pickles.
Chris: NO. Kick that guy out.
Meatwad: Who do I kick? I did not see who it was who spoke.
Guy 2: Oh, it would appear we have the voice of Meatwad here.
Guy 3: No, you do not.
Guy 1: Okay...
Chris: That's funny. Just sounded like Meatwad there.
Guy: Yeah, sorry. [says something about doing voices].
Chris: I-- I can do- I can do it a little bit better. Listen--
Meatwad: "Go out and zap it to the extreme!!"
Chris: [Does Meatwad impression. I have no idea what he says.]
Guy: Um, I'd say his was better, Chris.
Meatwad: Yeah! [Says something else, his impression is as hard to understand as Chris's].
Guy 2: I think Chris's is better.
Guy 3: Nah, I like his.
Voice Actor: I can do a pretty good Carl.
Guy: Oh, come on, let's go.
Voice Actor: [Does awesome Carl impression] "Hey, come back ovah here! You haven't even messed up my house yet!" [says something else as Carl but people laugh over it]
Guy: Hey, has anybody seen Metalocalypse?
Guy 2: Yeah, I have.
[Several people do impressions of Metalocalypse characters and talk over each other]
Guy 1: Guys, guys, shut up. Let Chris do it.
Chris: You want me to do Carl?
Guy 1: Sorry, I had to mute everybody to give you a chance to talk.
Chris: Okay, so you want me to do Carl. Just for the record, you want me to do Carl.
Guy: Yeah.
Chris: Alright, let me see, um... (Does his "Carl impression") "Gonna get it on tonight! We're gonna have ourselves a big ol' piece a meat there! Hey, Cup. Your- Your ass is cashing me. You're cashing a check. You're writing up a check that your cash- That your ass can't cash."
Guy: Heh heh heh. That was pretty good!
Emily: That was really good.
Chris: (Still as "Carl") "We gonna get it on tonight! Getting it on tonight!"
Guy: It's like I'm watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Guy 2: Chris, can you do any of the voices from Metalocalypse?
Chris: (Pause) Uh...
[Someone does an impression of Nathan Explosion. Hard to tell if it's Chris or not.]
Guy: Uh, I think that was pretty lame, I know what the voice sounds like, and no. That's just not it.
Guy 2: Chris, can you do Dr. Rockzo?
Guy 3: Yeah, can you do Dr. Rockzo?
Chris: "I AM DR. ROCKZO, THE ROCK AND ROLL CLOWN! I DO COCAINE!!!"
Dr. Rockzo: Y-y-y-y-YEAH!
Guy: Nice.
Dr. Rockzo: Yeaaah!!

Comics and Toys (1:09:27 - 1:17-43)

Guy: So, um, Chris. I'd like to have a friendly challenge with you. Seeing as how we're both artists and we're pretty much, um... We're pretty much both, um... artists. I'd like to-- You know how you say you do a page a day?
Chris: Uhhh, yeah?
Guy: Alright, well, I'd like to do a week challenge. Starting on Monday, you know--
Chris: Monday next week.
Guy: Yeah, starting Monday next week, we will each challege to draw one page of whatever comic you wish, like you can do Sonichu, and we have to do something entirely new per week, from Monday until that Sunday, so it'll be seven days, seven page comic per day. I was wondering if you wanna do that challenge with me?
Chris: Alright, that sounds... That sounds cool.
Guy: Okay. Also, um... Let me re-post something. I did a portrait of my girlfriend, if you wanna see. Hold on.
Chris: Alright, I'll take a look. I mean, uh... I would relate.
Guy: Alright, it should be to your left.
Chris: Yeah I see it. Let me just copy and paste that.
Guy: Okay.
Chris: To my web browser.
Guy: I'm going to draw a small seven-page comic featuring Mr. Skittles. Also, to be fair, it doesn't have to be colored, it can be black and white, if you wish, because it just some people take their time with their work, but... It's just seven pages of new material a week.
Chris: Alright. Hey, that's a good drawing, by the way, of your girlfriend.
Guy: Thank you. Took me about five hours to work on.
Chris: Okay. Hey, is she actually blowing through a bubble wand, 'cause it's kinda hard to see the handle.
Guy: Oh yeah, she's blowing through a bubble wand, she loves to blow bubbles.
Chris: Oh, that's sweet. Hey Julie, you should take a look at this.
Julie: Hmm? Oh, that's pretty good.
Guy: Chris, next time you come to Mumble, I'll try and show you a sketch of Mr. Skittles next time.
Chris: Okay. You know you could upload your images onto this image hosting site I know, hang on I got it bookmarked, um...
Guy: Okay.
Chris: Uh... Oh yeah, DeviantArt.
Guy: Oh, okay.
Chris: Yeah, you can upload there.
Laugher: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Guy 2: ...That was a great laugh, can you do that again? (Pause) Yeah, I thought not.
Guy: Hey, Chris, what do you think about more contemporary-- Well, not exactly comtemporary, but uh, some of the more famous graphic novels from The West, we're talking stuff by Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman, like uh, you heard of any of that?
Chris: Uh, I never heard of those.
Guy: The Watchmen? You know, the most celebrated graphic novel of all time...
Chris: I- Hey. I have heard of Watchmen. As a matter of fact, I know of the uh... They got season 1 of the uh, the web- Of the uh, animated comic of that on the PlayStation Network. So I have heard of Watchmen. I thought- I wasn't sure- Is there actually a character who looks like Batman in that series?
Guy: Uh, you're thinking of Nite Owl, and um... The whole thing is that Watchmen is supposed to be a spoof of the Golden Age comics, and Nite Owl is supposed to be a spoof of the techno genius archetype of superhero who uses his wealth and technology.
Chris: Oh, so he is like Batman, and such.
Guy 1: It's like a parody.
Chris: Oh.
Guy 2: Yeah. My personal favorite's always been Rorschach.
Chris: I don't know, I haven't seen Watchmen yet.
Guy: Well, it was originally a graphic novel.
Chris: Well, seen, or uh... have it, yet.
Guy: And I doubt the movie's going to be very good, they usually screw up the movies, and seeing as how the guy who directed 300 is doing it, I think it's just gonna be a overdone pile of garbage.
Guy 2: Alright sorry, I had to let my dog out, he was scratching in the dark. Um, the thing is that Zack Snyder he's good at certain types of movies, and I'm not sure that Watchmen is really his--
Chris: Well. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily gonna be watching the movie... But, you know, because I hear good talk, I may consider downloading a... episode or two of the Watchmen animated comic. On the PlayStation Network.
[something about how it's not animated and it's going to be on DVD soon]
Chris: Oh.
Guy: Hey Chris.
Chris: Yeah.
Guy: I actually wanted to ask you a question, uh... Since we're talking about comic books and graphic novels and everything, do you read any comic books, do you have a favorite comic book at all?
Chris: Yeah, Sonic the Hedgehog series. From Archie Comics, I have the premiere issue zero, that where I based the uh, number zero comic book, based on the number there.
Guy 2: Oh my god, me too, I have issue number zero too!
Guy: Actually, Chris, I have another question from, um, a fan. How often do you eat at McDonald's? Uh, when do you go there?
Chris: Uh, not very often, I'd say like, uh... You know, two or three times a week.
Guy: Any specific times?
Chris: Uh, not specifically, it just depends on how I feel.
Guy: Right.
Guy 1: What about the Happy Meal, do you still get those?
Chris: Uh... No. I used to, but I don't nowadays.
Guy: What about the toys, I mean you can still buy the toys seperately from the Happy Meals.
Chris: Yeah... But I don't need necessarily now to collect the toys... But it's not like I, uh-- It's been a long time since I actually bought a toy by itself from McDonald's or Burger King. (Pause) Yeah, so like I said, that's uh... I haven't done that in a long time.
Guy 1: Oh... Are most of the toys in your room from past... like, you collected?
Chris: Uh... Yeah, most of which.
Guy 1: So you don't buy toys, like, recently?
Chris: Well I mean I buy like-- I bought, like... Transformer toys, recently.
Guy: I have another question from a fan, uh... YouTubeLover was saying, you have so many toys, so when do you play with them? Or, do you play with them?
Chris: Yeah, I play with them sometimes. You know just to at least, change them from robot, to vehicle, to robot and back, and back. Hm... It's kinda like, uh, one way to, uh, put my mind off something else, or relieve stress events, it just- (Suddenly getting defensive about it) I don't care- I don't care, it's like, you know, people are young at heart, and I consider myself young at heart, so there.
Guy: Oh, well that's okay, I mean I built my Gundamn models and stuff, so it's cool, man.
Guy 2: Which grade do you build?
Guy: What?
Guy 2: Which grade do you build?
Guy: Oh, I have all the grades, I have like everything.
Guy 2: I only do like... first grade--
Guy: Anyway, let Chris talk.
Chris: No that's okay, you all continue, 'cause I don't have anything to contribute to the conversation.
Guy: Well Chris, we want to hear stuff straight from you.
Chris: I mean, I... don't particularly have any Gundam models myself. So, I wouldn't- So, I can't really say. Myself.
Guy: But still, you do have toys, right, I'm just saying that's cool.
Chris: I mean, it's alright, I don't mind other conversations besides from ones around me. I mean let's all talk--
Guy: Yeah but you're here and essentially... You don't really come here much.

Duck Tales (1:17:43 - 1:28:30)

Emily: Hey, Chris, I have another question for you.
Chris: Yeah?
Emily: Would you ever get your... duck pierced, if your sweetheart thought it would be really hot and it would improve your sex life?
Chris: Uhhhhhh... I'm sorry could you repeat that question again, my "duck pier"?
Emily: Your duck pierced, you know, your...
Chris: Ohh! Oh, right, oh. I would never have-- I do not have a piercing--
Guy: Prince Albert.
Emily: No but would you do it, because, I mean--
Chris: No.
Emily: It can increase the pleasure.
Chris: No, uh... Even that considering, I still would not get any piercings.
Guy 1: Yo, what's a "duck"?
Chris: It's an- It's a- It stand- It's like, replacing the "I" with a "U" in the word "dick".
Guy 2: So it's a euphemism. (Pause)
Chris: It's just another word I made up, another word for dick, but without saying "dick". It's--
Guy 2: Do you know what a euphemism is?
Guy 3: Okay, it's called a euphemism.
Chris: "Euphemism"...
Guy: It's basically another word for saying a nicer word for something that--
Chris: Yeah.
Guy 1: I understand, I understand.
Chris: Yeah.
Guy: And you spell it Y-O-O-P-H-I-M-E-S-M.
Chris: Yeah- Uh, excuse me, I'll be right back.
[Silence for a few seconds]
Guy 1: Seriously guys, we--
Chris: (In the background) Kittyyyyy... (More silence) No kitty! Outta the kitchen. Shoo! Shoo-shoo! (More silence for a while, some rustling and breathing heard)
Guy 1: Are you okay?
[Silence, Chris is probably cleaning up cat shit or something]
Guy 2: Hey Chris, I have a question here from a fan.
Guy 1: Wait for him to get back first.
Guy 2: Oh, I thought he was back.
Guy 1: He's feeding the kitty.
Guy 2: I like cats, they're very cute.
[Some more talking about cats]
Guy 1: Okay, quiet.
[Sound of water running or something, more rustling. A long period of silence. More water running. Chris can be heard talking to the cats a few times.]
Julie: Chris? Hello? (Chris sighs in the background) Chris?
Chris: Uh, hang on, I'll just put my headphones back on. Yeah, I'm back.
Julie: Hey Chris, can I ask you something?
Chris: Yes, Julie.
Julie: Um...
Chris: It's okay, what is it?
Julie: It's about... You know, uh...
Chris: Uh, is it sexual?
Julie: Kind of.
Chris: It's okay.
Julie: It's about... Down there.
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Julie: It's about down there, your... duck?
Chris: Oh, it's okay. I don't mind talking about it, what is it?
Julie: Is it really... Naturally bent, I- I know it [something]
Chris: Is it actually what?
Julie: Tell me about why your duck is bent, please.
Chris: Oh. Oh, bent. Yeah. I- I did- It's... It's- It's natural, it's natural, toward- Toward the end, it has a downward bend. It's downward. Uh, it--
Julie: Chris, I'm a doctor. I've never heard in my life anything like that.
Chris: You're a doctor?
Julie: I want to be one and I'm studying up on it, remember?
Chris: Oh. Hmm... Actually I don't remember you telling me that, so that's news to me.
Julie: It was like one of the first things I sent you. How do you not remember?
Chris: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Julie, I forgot that one, but yeah- That's right, yeah, you did tell me about that. Sorry about that. Well anyway, you are studying to be a doctor.
Julie: Yes, and never in my life have I heard that it... Chris, was it-- Was it a penis pump? It's okay if it was, I just want you to tell me the truth.
Chris: Uh... Well, actually, um... Well, I don't-- Okay, I don't know why it's bent downward, I just assumed it was natural.
Julie: You must have done something, come on.
Chris: Well... Maybe because I've been wearing briefs- I've been wearing briefs all my life, and that could've, uh, forced it to be bent downward when it gets... stiff.
Julie: But, Chris--
Chris: I dunno! I don't but- I don't know--
Julie: Chris, have you ever used a penis pump?
Chris: A- a- a pump?
Julie: Yes.
Chris: Uh... Yes, I have. (Pause) Well, but- but my- My penis was already bent downard BEFORE I used the pump. I was already bent downward.
Julie: What about the Viagra?
Chris: I never took Viagra.
Julie: You told me you did, didn't you?
Chris: No, I took-- For the record, I did not take Viagra, I took Extenze.
Julie: Oh right, right.
Chris: And my-- My... dick was bent downward before I took that aswell.
Julie: Oh. Can I ask you a question about that?
Chris: Uh, sure.
Julie: Did you take Extenze and use a penis pump so you could try and impress women, maybe?
Chris: Uh, did you say if I could- Are you asking me if I could do that?
Julie: No, why did you use the pump and the Extenze?
Chris: Oh, I did not do it the same time, for your- for your information.
Julie: I know but why would you use them at all?
Chris: Well, I felt like my dick could be longer.
Julie: (Pause) Oh, alright. I'm just asking, I'm sorry.
Chris: It's okay.
Guy: Yeah, those don't actually work, they can actually cause damage to your penis.
Chris: What, the pump?
Guy 1: Yes.
Guy 2: Yes, and also most women do not care about like...
Guy 1: Hold on.
Chris: Well, for the record, mine does grow up to a maxium of seven inches.
[People talking over eachother, somebody asks about measuring]
Chris: Hm... Well--
Guy: You could use a tape measure.
Chris: I used a- I used a ruler. You know I--
Guy: Oh.
Chris: Yeah, I based it against the uh, bent part. Make it straight. So, it does go a maxium of seven inches in length.
Guy: Yeah my dad was a doctor, he always told me to stay away from those things.
Chris: Well anyway, you know, that measurement was-- That measurement was made AFTER the, uh... Extenze. (Pause) You know, before and after- Before it was like five to six inches.

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