Mumble 3

Mumble 3 is the third of the Mumble chats involving Chris.

Summary

• Julie is having problems with her microphone.Chris tries and fails to sort it out.

[4:00]

• Julie reveals that she’s a professional cook. Chris says his favorite food is macaroni and cheese.

[6:00]

• Julie doesn’t know why Max stole her password. Chris recommends snooping around his room for clues.

[8:00]

• Julie wants to talk about her relationship with Chris, to which he says says “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” instead.

[12:00]

• Clyde joins the channel, but he leaves right away.

[13:00]

• Chris says that he’s recovering from the stress of the Internet. His alarm goes off, making him lose his train of thought.

[14:30]

• Julie thinks Chris’s mom is an awesome singer.

[16:00]

• Julie hopes that Clyde is gone from Mumble for good.

[17:00]

• Chris previews Simonla and Wild’s upcoming relationship.

[18:00]

• Chris likes some heavy metal music and loves Guitar Hero. Turns out he has himself and a Sonichu guitar in World Tour.
• Upload of a video of Chris doing this. Turns out he can't play a real guitar.

[19:30]

• Clyde comes back, but he’s not in Chris and Julie’s channel.

[20:00]

• Chris loves Britney Spears, and Julie likes her, too.

[21:00]

• Chris says that all of his female characters think he’s handsome, just like Barb and himself. He can't understand why he's single.

[22:00]

• Julie isn’t sure when she’ll be able to afford to come to Virginia.
• Clyde shows up to ask Chris why he hasn’t killed him yet. Apparantly Clyde is killing himself.

[25:00]

• Clyde leaves the channel, and Julie says she has to leave for a bit.

[27:00]

• Chris realizes that Clyde has heard the whole conversation.

[28:30]

• Chris is “mostly attracted to women” and likes to draw attractive female characters. He also loves his “brain-children”, but he’d never have sex with them.

[30:00]

• Chris watches porn to “stretch an adult muscle” in his head.

[31:00]

• Chris can draw romance well despite being a frustrated virgin.
• Chris sometimes he does what he feels instead of thinking.

[31:30]

• Chris’s comics are intended for children and the adult scenes are for the appreciation of teens and adults.

[33:00]

• How to Talk to Girls took the words out of Chris’s mouth.

[34:00]

• Julie is back.
• Julie explains that she was helping Max in the kitchen.

[35:30]

• Chris would consider making more non-Sonichu characters. Julie could help when she moves to Virginia.

[37:00]

• Chris doesn’t feel comfortable traveling long distances alone.
• Julie hopes to have slowly moved over to Virginia within the year.
• Chris lets Julie know that she could board with him.

[39:00]

• Most men are more comfortable with a “Sadie Hawkins situation”.
• Relationships are different in America than they are in Molvania.

[40:30]

• Chris explains how he used to wait for women to approach him.
• Chris trusts Julie, but he worries about what his mom will think.

[41:00]

• Chris suggests that Julie just “take a plunge”.
• Chris realizes that he should be taking his own advice.
• Julie promises that she will try to come to Virginia within the year.

[42:00]

• Julie worries that Clyde will rape her like he raped Panda.
• A half-Asian guy drove by Julie’s house and glared at her.
• Julie worries that the half-Asian guy might be Clyde. She didn't get the plate number.

[43:30]

• Chris assures Julie that she can trust him to protect her. Apparently he's the toughest person she knows.

[47:00]

• Julie sees someone outside of her house and is worried.
• Chris says that it’s best to just not think about it.
• Julie says that the person is holding something – perhaps a gun.
• Chris repeats that it’s best to just not think about it.
• Julie goes to lock her door because she hears pounding.
• Chris laughs hard when he’s told that it was just a salesman.

[50:30]

• Julie wants to play video games with Chris for hours on end.
• Chris repeatedly suggests that they could “play” in other ways.

[52:00]

• Chris reveals that he is willing to let Panda be with Clyde, Julie can have his virginity instead.

[53:00]

• Chris will do his best and hopefully not prematurely ejaculate.
• Chris guesses that cowgirl will be his favorite sexual position.

[54:00]

• Julie will try her hardest to visit Chris on his birthday.

[55:00]

• Julie asks Chris for a description of their future first time.
• Julie says that she will let Chris take her virginity.
• Julie is making Chris hard.

[56:30]

• Chris begins describing their future first time in detail.
• First up is a make-out session, and Chris will have eaten strawberries.

[57:00]

• Julie says that she’s already masturbating to his description.
• Next up is Chris taking off his pants and having Julie warm him up.
• Julie says that she wouldn’t mind blowing Chris on this first date.

[58:30]

• Chris explicitly assumes that he will prematurely ejaculate.
• Chris notes that he’ll still have a lot more “tiger in [his] tank”.
• Chris will unhook Julie’s bra and “marvel at [her] nipples”.
• Chris notes that Julie will already be “marveling at [his] dick”.
• Chris will then massage Julie’s breasts and go down on her.

[1:00:00]

• Julie hopes that Chris is masturbating with her. He starts.

[1:01:00]

• Chris will start things off by going at it doggy style.
• Chris says that “it can go up to seven inches” – an obvious lie.

[1:02:00]

• Chris will use his fingers to keep his dick inside her.
• Chris says that he wouldn’t do anal during their first time.
• Chris predicts that cowgirl will come after doggy style.
• Chris belatedly notes that he will be wearing a condom.
• Chris speculates as to where on Julie’s body he’ll cum.
• Julie says that she’ll probably want to take it in the mouth.

[1:04:00]

• Chris says that they might clean up… or they might not.
• Julie says out of nowhere that she thinks she’s coming.

[1:05:00]

• Julie says that she’ll try to send Chris a picture of herself.
• Chris gives Julie his number, apparently for the first time.

[1:07:30]

• Chris wants to “be emotional in person” at some point.
• Julie leaves for no apparent reason.

[1:10:00]

• Chris will be happy to introduce Julie to his parents first. Then they'll have no problem with the sex.

[1:12:00]

• Chris imagines their future: Househusband and with a daughter.
• Julie will gladly be his wife and the mother of Crystal.

[1:13:00]

• Chris has no idea what he’d do if he did have to work, and isn't sure what job he could get with his CADD degree.

[1:14:00]

• Julie has set up a PayPal account for herself.
• Chris uses his account to sell items on eBay.
• Julie suggests that Chris make money with Sonichu.
• Chris isn’t sure he wants to go around advertising him.

[1:17:30]

• Julie suggests that Chris re-start talks with Nintendo, but Chris has no idea how he’d come up with money to travel.
• Julie insists that Chris prove himself to Reggie Fils-Aimé.

[1:20:30]

• Chris won’t shut up about Julie helping him do all of the above.

[1:21:30]

• Chris has no idea when the next issue of Sonichu will be done.
• Chris leaves for a while to collect his thoughts.

[1:22:30]

• Clyde shows up and announces that he’s heard everything.
• Clyde was the salesman and he’s gonna bring his guns next time.
• Clyde taunts Chris, who says that he’ll haunt Clyde in his sleep.
• Clyde doesn’t sleep, so Chris will haunt his every waking moment.

[1:24:30]

• Chris has God by his side, and he'll pray for Julie's safety.

[1:27:00]

• Clyde is tough because he’s lived on the streets in sub-zero weather.
• Chris responds that he’s tough because he stands up for his friends.

[1:28:30]

• Clyde is at a loss for words to describe how pathetic Chris is.
• Chris responds that Clyde is pathetic because he feels that way.

[1:29:30]

• Clyde states that he himself has no physical or mental handicaps.
• Clyde adds that he’s not on drugs either… at the moment.

[1:30:00]

• Clyde says that he’s going to play Russian Roulette with Julie.
• Chris bets that every time Clyde has played before, he’s lost.

[1:31:30]

• Julie says that Max will protect her, but Clyde doubts that.
• Clyde will get rid of Max like he did Richard Simmons and Sarah.
• Clyde knows that Julie will be dead tomorrow.
• Chris knows that Clyde is dead inside, and Clyde admits it.

[1:34:00]

• Chris honestly believes that Clyde is afraid to face him.
• Clyde admits that his rage will die when Chris does.

[1:35:30]

• Chris tries and fails to psychoanalyze Clyde.

[1:37:00]

• Clyde dares Chris to call the police on him.

[1:38:00]

• Chris suspects that Clyde killed his parents to get their money.
• Clyde insists that they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

[1:40:00]

• Clyde says that Chris should leave his house and lose weight.
• Chris would leave for Julie’s, but he doesn’t know her address.

[1:42:00]

• Chris grows a pair and yells at Clyde to shut the fuck up.

[1:45:00]

• Chris apologizes for leading Ryan to commit suicide.

[1:46:00]

• Clyde tells Chris that he’s a burden upon his parents.
• Chris says in reply only that he feels his parents’ pain.
• Clyde reminds Chris that he is the cause of that pain.
• Chris is a “social butterfly”.
• Clyde thinks Chris’s parents meant for his babysitter to give him autism.

[1:48:30]

• Clyde tells Chris that his conception was a drunken mistake.
• Chris thinks he’s a miracle child because his parents were old even then, and compares the situation to an episode of Sex and the City.

[1:50:00]

• Chris doesn’t see any reason for men not to watch TV shows for women, and that fewer wars would happen if more men watched those shows.

[1:52:00]

• Julie can’t name three specific good qualities that Chris has.

[1:52:30]

• Chris understands that autism is caused by genetics, but continues to insist that his babysitter brought it out in him.

[1:54:00]

• Chris said his first word when he was just two weeks old.
• Baby Chris said “monkey”, but he was trying to say “mommy”.

[1:55:00]

• Chris thinks that he has “recovered” from his autism in a way.
• Chris doesn’t need to blame his autism because he's overcome it.
• Clyde keeps telling Chris to get a “real” autism diagnosis.
• Chris reluctantly accepts that his diagnosis is not a recognized one.
• Chris agrees with Clyde that his “mental block” never actually existed.

[2:02:30]

• Clyde remarks that Chris could never possibly live on his own.
• Chris replies that he can cook because he took two home ec classes.
• Chris can also:

Clean, since he has to pick up cat poop all the time.

Clean because he recently overflowed his "commode" while taking a dump and had to clean the floor with "some 409 and paper towels."

Wash his clothes and wash the dishes.

Take out the trash.

[2:05:00]

• Clyde congratulates Chris on knowing how to do all of those basic chores.
• Clyde explains that he’s trying to rescue women everywhere from Chris.

[2:07:00]

• Chris is content with the $800/month that he receives through Social Security.
• Chris honestly believes that he is paid as much as most employed people.

[2:09:00]

• Chris describes himself as “a jack-of-all-trades and master of none”.He just doesn’t know what type of job he’d be comfortable in.
• Chris is also concerned that he’d need to be paid at least $1,000/month.

[2:10:30]

• Clyde asks Chris what he’s done with his two CADD degrees.
• Chris replies that he designed the Cwcville Shopping Center and that he’s also added more perspective to his artwork.

[2:12:00]

• Chris says he just needs a woman to help him make sound decisions.

[2:13:00]

• Clyde mentions that Vivian’s white knight efforts have been in vain.
• Chris says that he’s seeing his pastoral counselor once a week, not at all concerned that she isn’t a trained psychologist.

[2:14:00]

• Chris used to visit a “$25/hour psychologist” named Dr. Price.
• Chris was forced to see Dr. Price by PVCC and Mary Lee Walsh.

[2:16:00]

• Clyde insists that everything on Chris’s ED page is true.
• Chris still thinks that his words were simply misinterpreted and believes he lost Megan because he “got too close”.
• Chris says he drew ShecameforCWC “in protest of” his ED page. He ripped it up, but he still has the pieces.

[2:21:00]

• Chris explains that his past statements of hating gays were “misplaced rage”.
• Chris says that God has blessed him with more female friends than male ones.

[2:23:30]

• Clyde says that he’ll give Julie a reprieve if Chris declares that he’s gay.
• Clyde threatens to harm or kill Julie if Chris doesn’t make such a video.
• Chris says he won’t lie about his sexuality even to save Julie’s life.
• Chris relents and offers to sacrifice his image to save Julie from harm.

[2:26:00]

• Chris has three hours to record and post a video of himself coming out.
• Clyde leaves.
• Julie is eternally grateful to Chris for the sacrifice that he’s about to make.

[2:28:00]

• Chris wants to videotape his first time with Julie, and she wants the same.
• Chris says he’ll “cut the worst parts out” and upload the rest to YouTube.
• Chris and Julie tell each other “I love you”, and Chris leaves.

[2:29:00]

• BlueSpike starts singing “This was a triumph!” from Portal’s “Still Alive”, with troll chorus

Transcript

Chris: There we are. [Random background noise] Hmm now... What now? Oh.

Julie: Hi Chris!

Chris: Hello.

Julie: Ho- [audio cuts out]

Chris: Uh, say that again? You kinda broke up there.

Julie: Hold on, let me adjust my mic- [cuts out again]

Chris: Oh! It's you!

Julie: [muted] Yes of course!

Chris: Huh

Julie: [Pause] So how are you Chri- [Another audio fail]

Chris: I'm okay Julie, how are you?

Julie: I'm wonderful, thank you. Everything at home o-

Chris: Everything's Okay- Everythings Okay at home. Uh, I mean It's only I think that was you asked-yeah. I know you just bought that mike but it seems to be failing at points. Oh well.

Julie: Uh, let me configure it really- [cut] Maybe I can increase the vol- [[cut].

Chris: If anything you might have to close it and relog back then to up after you get it configure correctly. I mean order-or-or to get to configure it correctly.

Julie: Well actually I did that, I logged back in after I configured it- [cut]

Chris: Oh. Well you should carry speaker a little longer there (?)

Julie: So- [cut]

Chris: [Aggravated] Sigh. Broke up again. [Pause] I mean you can tell when you're breaking up because you look at the you-your lips up next to your name on the thing here and you kinda get grayed out, and that means you're- that's kinda like when you get cut off. [Pause] Or when you're done speaking.

Julie: hey I, oh I think I know what you- Is it better now-

Chris: You got cut off again.

Julie: That's weir-

Chris: Hmm. I don't know either. You just got it- you just installed it so uh, hmm. This is like first install jitters, or something. I dunno.

Julie: Is it better now?

Chris: I heard your, eh, eh, Yeah. I mean, I was able to hear you clearly until the points where you got cut of so uh, uh, yeah. I mean, yeah, you know, try saying something longer and I'll let you know if you get cut off mid-sentence.

Julie: I hope this microphone does not cut out as that would be horrible.

Chris: Alright, I got- I had your full sentence there. I heard ya. I heard ya.

Julie: Alright, that is good-

Chris: Huh. You got cut off again.

Julie:That's weird, I don't know what could be causing it. I turned off everything else that was using the connection.

Chris: Hmm. Well we just, well- it's best to try to make the best- make the best of it. So you know, uh, I'll try to understand you up- I mean- until the points, I mean the points- I mean, as best as I can even if you get- even if you might get cut off sometime. But anyway it's-

Julie: I'm sorr- I'm sorry about that

Chris: That's okay. Hmm. So uh, how are you?

Julie: I'm wonderful! Things in America are wonderf-

Chris: Yep, I hear that. I'm just sorry about uh, the rising cost of things due to the economic crisis and all.

Julie: Yes, it's very hard on me.

Chris: Yeah. Alright so, uh tell me- so you said you were uh working at fast food or something to uh, earn money?

Julie: Yes, I'm working at restaurants. I'm a professional cook. Sorry. My English is still bad.

Chris: You said you were a professional cook?

Julie: I am professional at cooking.

Chris: Oh, that's good. Maybe after you come over here I could try a little bit of your crusine for lunch or dinner.

Julie: Yes, I would enjoy that.

Chris: I mean, mostly I just uh warm up a TV dinner, but you know I am able to uh, cooking things- uh, cooking things for my- cooking things for myself when I have the instructions in front of me and the ingredients. But it's kind of, like hmm, you know, a bit crowded in my kitchen in here.

Julie: What's your favorite thing to eat?

Chris: Hmm. I like, mostly like mac and cheese.

Julie: I'm very good at cooking.

Chris: I'll take your word for it. And I'll look forward to uh, trying your-

Julie: [Interrupting] I'll be right back, sorry.

Chris: Okay.

[brief pause]

Julie: I'm back.

Chris: Okay. Let's- anyway you didn't answer my question how'd uh, did your passwo- how'd you get your password back after the previous time your brother changed it on ya?

Julie: Actually um, he actually just put it back to the original last. I'm not sure if he's gonna give it back this time, however.

Chris: Um. Hmm. Has he told you uh, me- he's probably just doing it just to annoy you but uh, maybe he- maybe uh, maybe he like, I don't know his mindset but maybe he wants something?

Julie: Perhaps.

Chris: I mean like did you ask him like, did you ever ask him like why did you change my password other than just to annoy me? What is it that you want?

Julie: I actually don't know why he chang- [cut off again]

Chris: It's like if you- [Julie interrupts, brief pause] It's like you got to try get into his head a little bit.

Julie: Hmm

Chris: Like, you know, one thing you could do, you could, check out his room, see if you can find anything he's written down or look at, you know, look a clues in his room that describes him. Maybe you could, find something- find something there that uh, you can put in- put in common terms with or whatever, and uh, give him something that uh, makes him feel good from somewhere among those clues.

Julie: [Enthusiastic] Yes I could do that! That's a very good idea!

Chris: I mean, my room is a slew of big clues. [Chris pronounces "slew" as "slow"]

Julie: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah so... what else do you want to talk about?

Julie: Umm, I'm not really sure. Maybe we could talk about- I'm not sure. Maybe our relationship?

Chris: [Sudden intake of breath, as though wincing in pain] Oooh. Yeah.

Julie: Should I- Should I not bring this up?

Chris: No, it's okay, it's okay. [Pause] Mmm. Ummm. Yeah. I mean I'm just trying to think about what- what's a good- what's a, something to say at the moment. I mean you don't know what to say, you could say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Julie: Ah. Have you heard from my friend Cameron Van- you know Cameron yet? Have you heard from him yet?

Chris: Ahh, Cameron?

Julie: Yes. [Realizing error] oh. Her. Sorry.

Chris: Oh. Uh, possibly is that uh, Is that- I dunno is that like your aunt, still over in Molivania

Julie: Well, I have unfortunate news about Molivania. It- it appears to have been destroyed. I know that sounds strange, but, I don't know what happened. I'm very worried.

Chris: Hmm. Maybe I can find something on the-

Julie: I miss my hometown.

Chris: I hear ya. Hang on, I'll uh, I'll Google Molivania, see if I can-

Julie: [Backpedaling] no, that's alright, I'm pretty sure I know what happened.

Chris: Oh. Uh, tell me in your own words what you think happened.

Julie: I don't know, It's just, I think the dictator of Molivania, I think he was assassinated,

Chris: The dictator was assassinated.

Julie: I'm not sure. As far as I heard from Cameron before he- I lost all contact with him.

Chris: [Incredulous] You mean her, don't you?

Julie: Sorry, I keep getting confused, my English is awful. I'm sorry.

Chris: It's okay, you're trying. You're doing- you're doing okay.

Julie: Thank you very much.

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: I think I'd like to talk about something else. I, you know.

Chris: That's fine, talk about anything.

Julie: So, how's Virginia?

Chris: It's okay. Uhh, you know, it's a good place to live. As, especially going out to Charlottesville and uh, whatnot, but it's okay.

Julie: Oh, that sounds wonder-

Chris: I mean, I can't, I mean I don't know what much to say, but uh, you know my Father could tell you, oh yeah, Virginia's a historic town, cuz, you know we got all the history from like, Thomas Jefferson and, oh yeah, the Monticello.

Julie: What do you like to do in Virgina?

Chris: Hmm. What Do I like to do in Virgina? Hmm. I dunno [nervous laugh] Been living in Virgina pretty much all my life so, pretty much just living my normal life at this point. Other than- other than that I can't really say, you know?

Julie: Can you tell what that includes? I really want to know what your life is like, I would love to know.

Chris: Hmm. Ahh, let me think about that. My life is like, uh...

Julie: Oh no!

Chris: What?

Julie: I see Clyde's here. Uh oh.

Chris: Hmm.

Julie: Oh well, let's just ignore him.

Chris: Yeah. It's like uh, he seems to be under the "Inactive" area.

Julie: Yeah no one can hear us here.

Chris: Oh, and uh, here's a note, it says that Clyde left the channel.

Julie: Oh, that's good

Chris: In the left column here. Hmm. Don't really, I mean, don't really have much on my mind uhh, right now, let me see. Ah, mostly I've just been uh, collecting my thoughts and taking my time. You know, recovering from the internet, from the stress of the, the stress of the internet and whatnot.

Julie: Yes, the internet can be a very stressful place, especially with all these jerks trying to make you mad.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah it can be very tiring is- yep. Very tiring.

Julie: You should stand up to them sometime. You should just tell them you're not going to take it anymore.

Chris: Yeah I think I, I pretty much do that, just like you know, like, I keep my cool- I kept my- pretty much kept my cool and not so much- [Chris's cell phone alarm goes off] Excuse me.

Julie: Okay

Chris: That was my phone, reminding me of, er, just a reminder.

Julie: Oh, okay.

Chris: Uh, lost- lost my train of thought there.

Julie: Awww

Chris: Don't you just hate that where you lose your train of thought and it's hard to recover?

Julie: Yeah. I hate it so much.

Chris: I- yep I- I hear you there.

Julie: So, so how is your life? I mean, are things with your parents okay? I would love to hear.

Chris: Mmm, you know, uh, can't complain. It's uh, not to- not totally bad. It's okay. I mean, uh, it's-

Julie: Is your father giving you trouble again?

Chris: Mmm. Uh not so much lately. Uh, I had to go downtown with him to get his pacemaker checked.

Julie: Oh, I hope he's okay.

Chris: D'awright.

Julie: How's your mother?

Chris: She's alright.

Julie: I heard her singing, what was it, yesterday? She's a very good singer.

Chris: Yeah. You know I told her that, uh, you know. Ya'll- Ya'll on the Mumble here heard her singing and they gave you a compliment it's like you know, "Oh, I can't sing, I'm tone deaf. They're just lying to try to make you feel good." Just a little um, just a little mod- just a little modesty there. From her point.

Julie: Everything I said about her awesome singing. I- I- It was a hundred percent true Chris, I assure you.

Chris: Yeah, I know. I mean, I think she- I think she's a great singer too.

Julie: As do I.

Chris: Sorry, could you repeat that, what was that?

Julie: As do I, I agree with you.

Chris: Oh, as do you. That's what you said. Hm. It sounded like you said somethings, it sounded like you said "something, something why". Heh.

Julie: Oh.

Chris: Yeah, like, I dunno, heh. Could be asking a question like, "Why, blahdah blahda". But never mind about that. I mean, I mean- I mean I understand, I'm understanding you clearly. Up to like, you know, up to when you get cut off and whatever.

Julie: So apparently Clyde did get kicked from the Mumble server, so that's good.

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: Hopefully he's gone for good. He's been trying to promote his awful comic.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah I'm definitely gonna take- I'm definitely gonna- I've been taking some time, and I've been thinking about like you know doing a page at a time, and uploading that to my website. As, as I- as I draw the comic.

Julie: Hey Chris, Umm... I know maybe it's confidential, but could you tell me about- a bit about the next comic? I really want to hear.

Chris: Tough love, simply enough- in the first episode Wild and Simonla will meet in the Dating Education class, and it'll just be like, a simple romance, without them- with only the professor knowing it, the two get paired up uh, communicating with eachother over- over, like internet and cell phone and whatnot in practice. And then they all love each other.

Julie: Cool. I look forward to reading about it.

Chris: Yeah I mean, but, you would think, you know, Simonla is a ground/bug type and uh, Wild's a grass-electric. It's like they wouldn't, uh, hook up very well on the opposite traits. But you know, Wild don't- wild don't care. Loves her.

Julie: Wow. That sounds so nice. You know what, I'd like to change the subject a bit?

Chris: Uh, sure.

Julie: Can I ask you about your taste in music? I don't like the least idea myself? [?]

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